Welcome to Gaia! ::

Infinite possibilities-A writer's guild

Back to Guilds

This is a writer's guild where all can gather for feedback and advice on all mediums of writing. Plus it's a great place for conversation. 

Tags: Writing, Writer, Writer's Block, Critiques, Friends 

Reply Works in Progress
Ariella Anonymous

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

AriellaAnonymous

PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2009 7:37 pm


Overall Synopsis: A young girl who goes by AA writes her novel for people to read and leaves the papers lying around. She does it in secret because she's afraid people will hate it or make fun of her if they knew she wrote them.

----Inner Synopsis: Nia lives in a new post-apocalyptic world, where everything before the war is taboo, especially knowledge. Nia loves knowledge, however, and treasures the few fairytales that were found to have survived and had been passed down through her family ever since. Soon deprived even of this, she runs away to search for the answers she needs, and the future no one can predict.


Pronounciation:
--Nia (Aliénor) = NEE-ah (ah-LEE-ah-nor)

--Zakari = ZAK-ah-ri ("zak" rhymes with pack, "ri" rhymes with why
--
--Saïese = si-EESE (“si” sounds like sigh, “eese” rhymes with geese)
--


NOTE: The "real" world and AA's story are differentiated by boldness. Bold means AA, not bold means story.




Let’s get one thing straight right now: THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA. It was suggested by a certain friend who likes to stick her nose in other people’s businesses. You think I want to be airing my personal writings for the whole world to laugh at? Well, I don’t. And she can’t make me.

Yet I’m still going on, aren’t I? I’m such a pushover. Well, fine. I’ll do it. But you don’t get to know who I am. I won’t even give you any hints. So there. You’ll just have to live with only knowing that these stories are coming from a person indistinguishable from all others.

Not that you’re probably even going to read them. Heck, no one’s likely even reading this. But I’ll do it anyway. I’ll write them and hide them and leave them for you to find. Like it or not.

AA


“You’re not telling stories again, are you, Nia?”

Nia jumped and whirled around. A blush spread over her cheeks. “N-no…” she stammered. “We were just… having a philosophical discussion.”

“Nia, they’re six.”

“Nuh-uh!” piped up a child. “I turned seven yesterday!”

“And a happy birthday to you. Nia, you know you aren’t supposed to be wasting time filling their heads with that nonsense,” Zakari chided.

“It’s not nonsense!” Nia leapt to her feet. “It’s our history! I don’t care if the council has deemed them useless. These storybooks are all we have left of the past. What if there’s something to be learned from Cinderella or Rumpelstiltskin or Snow White?”

Zakari gained a vice grip on her arm. To the crowd of children he apologized, “Sorry, kids. Nia has an engagement she’s going to be late for. Got to be going.”

Dragging Nia out of the clearing, Zakari scolded, “Nia, you’ve got to stop this. You’re just lucky I found you and not Father or the council. They would have had to punish you, and they would probably take away your books, which, of course, I know is silly since you’ve got them memorized. I will simply take away your audience. You’re confined to the house until further notice. You aren’t to go anywhere but school, where they will keep tabs on you well enough.”

“But, Zak, why can’t I tell my stories? I think-”

“It doesn’t matter what you think,” Zakari snapped. “What matters is that you mind what you say, both in regard to your books and your opinion.” Sighing, he rubbed a hand through his short blond hair. “Do me a favor, okay, little sis? Just… spit back what you’re told, okay? Listen to your classes, to Father, and to the council. Don’t question, don’t voice your thoughts, and don’t bring attention to yourself. Please.”

“Okay,” Nia acquiesced grudgingly, hanging her head. “I’ll be a good little girl.”

“Good.” Zakari took her arm again, more gently this time, and continued to lead her toward their home.

Inwardly, Nia smiled devilishly. She loved her brother and would never want to cause him grief. However, she knew –and deep down she thought Zak knew too– she had no intention of stopping her story reading. After all, she had her principles to uphold, didn’t she?

****************


“Why didn’t you meet me yesterday?” Saïese demanded, settling down beside Nia on the rug in the classroom.

“I was walking, and I lost track of time.” Nia’s heart grimaced. She hated lying to her best friend, but it couldn’t be helped. Saïese was a kind and loyal friend, but she had a direct line from her ears to her mouth that inadvertent let slip information at the most inopportune moments. If she knew, Nia’s father and probably even the council would find out exactly why her brother was secretly punishing her before nightfall.

Saïese scoffed. “Right. If that’s your story, you stick to that.” Unfortunately, she was also remarkably perceptive.

Nia’s response was cut off by Mr. Reginald, who chose that moment to start class. “Today we will talk about the Ein Knopf War.” Twenty-four sets of ears perked up. They never talked about the war. Most of them had come to the conclusion it must not be allowed. “To not do so, I believe, would leave a hole in your education. Now, the war, as you know, was many many years ago, and wiped out all life on the planet. This is, of course, except for those lucky few who were protected in the Sanctuary, which has now become the Council Hall. Nothing whatsoever was preserved, leaving us to start all over again and hope not to repeat the mistakes of the past.”

“Which would be so much easier if we knew what exactly those mistakes were,” Saïese muttered. Nia agreed. The problem with having no history was never knowing if they were screwing up just like their ancestors.

Mr. Reginald glared in our direction like he’d heard. “We avoid this by not trying to advance ourselves beyond what we already know; by sticking with what was taught by the survivors to their children, and they unto their children and so forth. By not seeking to try to delve into the past. Only in this way will we preserve our own society in the way they could not.”

That was directed toward her. It wasn’t her fault she had an overly inquisitive mind, was it? Wasn’t that supposed to be something you inherited? That meant she could blame her mother or father, right? She opened her mouth to say just that, but her brother’s voice screamed in her mind just as Saïese clamped a hand firmly on her arm.

Mr. Reginald continued on, but Nia tuned him out to continue seething. It wasn’t fair. Who decided this was the way things had to be. For all they knew, this was how the war started, anyway. People’s thoughts were being crushed so much they rose up and destroyed the world. Maybe if everyone had been free to express themselves, it never would have happened, and right now Nia and everyone else could be lying out in the sun, reading a treasure trove of books.
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2009 7:37 am


Being something of a sucker for dystopian post-apocalypses, I'm intrigued, and even more so by the 'story in a story' set up you seem to have.

There's just one thing that bothers me a bit. So far the teacher, despite wanting to fill a hole in their education, hasn't told the class anything they don't already know. While the readers need to know what happens, the device is rather obvious, and wouldn't be very realistic unless you go on to elaborate more aspects of what he's telling the class. Also, if they'd never talked about the war before now, why would he choose this momnt to do so, rather than any other class?

A couple of minor things: 'Mr. Reginald glared in our direction like he’d heard'. I'd have thought that he'd heard them, hence the glare, rather than it being 'like' he heard. I'd also suggest replacing a pronoun or two in the next paragraph with the actual name, just to make things a tad clearer.

charbookwyrm


KirbyVictorious

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 5:05 pm


*ahem*

THIS WORK HAS WON THE MAY SPOTLIGHT! WOO!!!

<333333

Much deserved. Epic writing! It's way better than many works that I've seen--and I've read all but six or seven in our entire archives. ^^ Not to mention a lot of total crap that somehow got published. But anyway....

Des, however, is super right about the classroom-education-filling-in-the-students thing (even though I've done it myself D: ). It is TOTALLY cliche. In every way. it would be better just to tell it outright, though something else you can do is have some kind of storyteller tell small children about it, or have it brought up in conversation and then explain it. This way it won't seem overdone or tedious--just keep it brief if the narrator is the one saying it.

Also, subjunctive tense--when you would normally use like or as but a verb follows it somewhere (or if you're using a verb after using the verb "wish") then you need to use "as if" or "as though" instead of like/as and "were" instead of "was". Such as that sentence mentioned--"glared in our direction like he'd heard." It should be "as if he'd heard".

And if it's any consolation, it is twenty times more complicated in Spanish D:
PostPosted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:21 pm


I like the beginning so far, and I have no comments since others have already pointed out the fixings. But because the character blocks him out, that's the reason why we don't get to learn more, I'd assume?

But I must say, I do really like your choice of names- they're very unique, and a bit...'ancient' sounding? or...Just different xD And I already know that I'm going to get a crush on Zakari.

And I'm already annoyed with the whole 'don't tell stories, don't learn thisblahblah' Dx So I'm already on Nia's side, and I hope to see more soon again.

Congrats on the Spotlight too by the way. =3

Oukow

Reply
Works in Progress

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum