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Teaching Our Daughters about Sex: Sexual Mothers, Sexual Daughters
By Joyce McFadden

We as mothers are putting our own fears ahead of our daughters’ well-being, and we have to confront this crisis of confidence in order to offer our girls more grounding in sexual vitality than we were given by our own mothers.

In not giving them the sexual information they need, and offering them that life long emotional connection to us, we do them a broader disservice than we imagine.

Recently on Oprah, sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman did an excellent and long overdue episode on helping mothers talk to their daughters about sexuality. Therapists, sex educators and researchers including myself find that, shockingly, our level of anxiety as mothers still keeps us from really educating our daughters about their bodies, desire and relationships. Although we tend to disguise it with rationalizations like “she’s too young” or “it will overwhelm her” the main deterrent to our being there for our girls in this way is often that we’re simply too uncomfortable to do it.

My research has shown me how far we haven’t come. It’s the beginning of the 21st Century and many mothers aren’t even teaching their daughters about menstruation, let alone sexuality. Just like our mothers did, we’re passing off their education to Judy Blume or the school nurse. And now, the internet.

But we, as modern mothers, have the opportunity to truly break through to the dimension of mothering we thought we’d broken through to decades ago — one not permeated with unnecessary shame-driven ignorance.

The easiest way to do this is to appreciate that our daughters’ sexuality exists on the very same continuum as our own. Remember when you were curious about how babies were made, and when you didn’t know where a tampon went? Remember when you felt like an idiot with your friends because everyone else seemed to know what oral sex was and you were afraid to ask? Remember the first time you felt yearning, and the first time you felt so swept away sexually you thought if you were to die right then and there, your life would be complete? Now remember the negative stuff. Did you feel naughty or dirty when you first began your own sexual exploration? Did you feel alone and separate from your mother? Did you worry she’d judge you? Do you even today feel guilty around masturbation? In your life now, do you feel disconnected or unfulfilled when you’re having sex?

Whether we actually have them or not, we as adult women crave full and happy sex lives because we know we feel more alive when we do. So how can we want this vibrancy for ourselves and not for our daughters? If we want our daughters to feel sexually comfortable as women, we need to help them feel comfortable along the entire journey, and our awkward avoidance and judgment won’t get them there.

Women in my study and practice routinely feel let down and abandoned by their mother’s silence or lack of support. It undermines how they feel in their bodies, and not just with regard to sex – it influences what they feel entitled to do, think, say and wear. If we implicitly encourage our daughters to forsake their sexuality that sense of shame infects every other area of their self esteem. And the opposite is also true. If we raise our daughters to feel a healthy entitlement to their sexuality it will enhance their self esteem in every way because they’ll have the freedom to be whole.

The little 10 year old girl on Oprah, who must surely be the most delightful child to ever appear on television, had the most poignant and concise message in the show. She’d been asking her mother twice a week for the past eight months to please teach her about sex, and her wonderful yet anxious mother was scared to death she’d say the wrong thing. In their session with Dr. Berman the girl said (italics her emphasis):
Little girl: “What is sex?”
Dr. Berman: “Do you have any idea what sex is?”
Little girl: “It’s not like I have the confidence to think about that, but I want my mom to have the confidence to talk to me about it.”
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/teaching-our-daughters-about-sex-sexual-mothers-sexual-daughters.html

My mom never really told me anything when she got pregnant when I was five with my baby sister she gave me a book that said How babies were made with pictures and said Thats how it works and left it at that..
My first time I heard of oral sex I was so confused and didnt have a clue what it was. And my moms response when I asked her "Its something sluts do." Me: O_o;; Okay

I feel I will be okay in telling my daughter I mean I know every teenage eventually is gonna have sex And I will be open with her about it if she doesnt feel comfortable with me about it I will offer to buy her an actual book not some picture book from the 80's about sex.
I told my husband when she is in middle school I will tell her she is gonna be learning about sex and protection in these years and if she has questions or concerns her mommy is an open book and can come talk to me.. My husband is a little concerned about being so open but i said she is gonna learn about it one way or another and I dont want some boy to pressure her like I was and find out the hard way how things work.

I plan to be candid and age-appropriate when explaining sex and sexuality with my daughter.

I know that I began exploring masturbation at a fairly young age, and so if my daughter were to do the same, I would probably talk to her about it and let her know that it is OK to make yourself feel good but that it is a special private activity to do while she is by herself and will be undisturbed by others.

I strongly believe that humans are sexual creatures, and that as such, we must teach our children how to be responsible for their sexuality. Long before they're interested in actually having sex, they'll still want to know what it is and learn about it. It is up to us to teach them because human sexuality is much more than the sum of our biological parts; it's a complicated social dance that we must all learn in order to do something rudimentary like going on a date or asking someone to slow dance.

But then again, I'll really have to see how this whole parenting thing goes. I may end up falling into the "baby trap" where I start seeing my child as a baby forever and not want to talk about those things with her. But I think that I owe it to her to grow and change my parenting style as she grows and changes. I can only hope that I'm up to the challenge!