Trucks Don't Float
Pain. Hollow, empty pain. Nothingness. Oh, how I longed to feel numb. How did it get this bad? Where did it all go? One day, I couldn’t be happier. The next, the only good thing in my life had been stolen from me. My happiness, my joy, stripped away. All that was left was an empty vessel. Devoid of anything at all. No, that’s not true, it was not devoid of pain. There was a bitter agony, that was all I could feel. I felt ethereal, fictional, now that all that I was had been taken away.
I pressed my foot down even harder on the pedal. “That stupid jerk!” I muttered under my breath. How had I ever loved that lying, no good, jerk? How had I ever agreed to marry him? I sped along the road. It was a good thing it was empty, otherwise I probably would have killed someone, driving so fast. Who knows, I might even kill myself, even with my big Ford truck. I didn’t know where I was going. I just thought that if I drove fast enough I could escape from my troubles.
Without realizing it, I found myself driving down the path to the old lake where everybody used to party when we were kids. It was also the same lake where Brad and I had our first kiss. The same lake where he proposed. The same lake where I, naive and trusting, said yes. And now, when I think back to that day, I can understand why. He seemed so nice, so kind, so honest. Honest, yeah, right. I can’t fathom why I ever believed him, why I fell for those kind blue eyes and that sweet, trusting smile… No, he was never kind or sweet! And he never deserved my trust! I shook my head, as if to shake away the thoughts.
Tears fell from my eyes, glistening in the moonlight. I stepped out of the car. The air was filled with the sweet, resinous sent of pine sap. Pale moonlight spilled across the black lake. “I can’t believe he cheated on me! That idiot! He never deserved my love!” I shouted into the empty woods around me. But no, I was the idiot. I was an idiot for ever loving him, for ever thinking he might love me.
“Why did I ever love you?!” I cried out. But it was no use. Nobody could hear me. Not a soul in the world would care if they could. Brad certainly wouldn’t care. “I hate you! You unfaithful jerk!” And yet, somewhere deep inside, I knew I still loved him. Again, I shook the thoughts away. And to prove my hatred of him, I pulled the engagement ring off my finger. The beautiful diamond shimmered. I gave it one last, disgusted glance. And then I chucked it in the lake.
I can’t believe I was going to marry him! And a month before our wedding, I caught him rolling around on the floor with that whore! I hope she likes that nice big bruise she’s got! Even now, and hour later, my hands hurts from it. I can’t believe it. I go to surprise him at work, to take him out to dinner, and he’s sleeping with his assistant! Well, actually, it didn't look like they were doing much sleeping. The stupid slut! I can’t believe he tried to say sorry. Like apologizing would mean anything to me now.
I stood there for a few minutes, watching the ripples on the surface of the deep lake. Finally, I managed to stifle my whimpers, to stop crying. Then, slowly, I walked back to my rusty red truck. I buckled my seat belt and turned the key in the ignition. I turned the car back onto the road. I drove away from the lake. I turned on the radio.
I pressed my foot down even harder on the pedal. “That stupid jerk!” I muttered under my breath. How had I ever loved that lying, no good, jerk? How had I ever agreed to marry him? I sped along the road. It was a good thing it was empty, otherwise I probably would have killed someone, driving so fast. Who knows, I might even kill myself, even with my big Ford truck. I didn’t know where I was going. I just thought that if I drove fast enough I could escape from my troubles.
Without realizing it, I found myself driving down the path to the old lake where everybody used to party when we were kids. It was also the same lake where Brad and I had our first kiss. The same lake where he proposed. The same lake where I, naive and trusting, said yes. And now, when I think back to that day, I can understand why. He seemed so nice, so kind, so honest. Honest, yeah, right. I can’t fathom why I ever believed him, why I fell for those kind blue eyes and that sweet, trusting smile… No, he was never kind or sweet! And he never deserved my trust! I shook my head, as if to shake away the thoughts.
Tears fell from my eyes, glistening in the moonlight. I stepped out of the car. The air was filled with the sweet, resinous sent of pine sap. Pale moonlight spilled across the black lake. “I can’t believe he cheated on me! That idiot! He never deserved my love!” I shouted into the empty woods around me. But no, I was the idiot. I was an idiot for ever loving him, for ever thinking he might love me.
“Why did I ever love you?!” I cried out. But it was no use. Nobody could hear me. Not a soul in the world would care if they could. Brad certainly wouldn’t care. “I hate you! You unfaithful jerk!” And yet, somewhere deep inside, I knew I still loved him. Again, I shook the thoughts away. And to prove my hatred of him, I pulled the engagement ring off my finger. The beautiful diamond shimmered. I gave it one last, disgusted glance. And then I chucked it in the lake.
I can’t believe I was going to marry him! And a month before our wedding, I caught him rolling around on the floor with that whore! I hope she likes that nice big bruise she’s got! Even now, and hour later, my hands hurts from it. I can’t believe it. I go to surprise him at work, to take him out to dinner, and he’s sleeping with his assistant! Well, actually, it didn't look like they were doing much sleeping. The stupid slut! I can’t believe he tried to say sorry. Like apologizing would mean anything to me now.
I stood there for a few minutes, watching the ripples on the surface of the deep lake. Finally, I managed to stifle my whimpers, to stop crying. Then, slowly, I walked back to my rusty red truck. I buckled my seat belt and turned the key in the ignition. I turned the car back onto the road. I drove away from the lake. I turned on the radio.
You keep me satisfied, you only want to ride,
But that’s alright with me, we happen to be free,
For what tomorrow brings, no peace and broken wings,
It may have been so good, but now it’s understood,
‘Twas just a night,
But that’s alright with me, we happen to be free,
For what tomorrow brings, no peace and broken wings,
It may have been so good, but now it’s understood,
‘Twas just a night,
My favorite song began to play. I sang along with it, and it took my mind off the pain. Any distraction was welcome.
If I could tear my heart, and keep it miles apart,
From love of beast or man, and never give a damn,
If I could learn to lie, and never show my pride,
Then I’d be just like the rest, be someone I detest,
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m always looking for the sun to shine,
From love of beast or man, and never give a damn,
If I could learn to lie, and never show my pride,
Then I’d be just like the rest, be someone I detest,
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m always looking for the sun to shine,
The sun would have been a comfort on this long, dark, winding road. Shadows danced around at the corner of my vision. It was just deer in the forest, but I’d had some very bad run ins with them in the past. One of them had hopped in front of Brad’s car. He hadn’t time to stop, and he had swerved into a tree. I remember how Brad had gotten me out of the car, when I was still unconscious. I remembered how when I came to, he had hugged me tight and said he was so sorry, and how he loved me. Lies! He never loved me! He’s just a stupid lying jerk, who cheated on me with a stupid slut! I hate him! I love him, but, no, I hate him! That jerk! That stupid, lying, cheating, evil jerk!
Love…
Destroys the best of us, then leaves the rest of us,
Thinking we might die, yet still we stay alive,
Lost in a hollow frame, with lonely tears remain,
Not knowing our life’s worth, dragging around the Earth,
How false the light.
Destroys the best of us, then leaves the rest of us,
Thinking we might die, yet still we stay alive,
Lost in a hollow frame, with lonely tears remain,
Not knowing our life’s worth, dragging around the Earth,
How false the light.
For the first time, I realized what the lyrics of this song really meant. Instead of helping me forget the pain, it forced me to realize it, to recognize it, to feel it. I wanted to feel numb. But no, I couldn't have that. I couldn't have anything I wanted, not even a husband who loved me! What's wrong with me? Was I not satisfying him? Was I just not good enough for him? Why? Why did he have to do that to me? Why couldn't he just break up with me, instead of betraying me like that?
Waves of a fierce sea of pain washed over me. The tides were churned by a ferocious storm, and they pounded against me. But I was sure that underneath the surface, deep in the cold, dark, depths, somehow, it would be calm, peaceful, numb. I wanted to sink, while others wanted to swim to the surface and struggle against the current, to stay alive and fight the pain, I simple wanted to sink. But it’s when you stop struggling, stop fighting, that’s when you float. But I didn’t want to float. I wanted to sink and drown and finally, for once in my life, be happy! Tears streamed down my cheeks. I made an illegal U-Turn, and headed back to the lake.
Waves of a fierce sea of pain washed over me. The tides were churned by a ferocious storm, and they pounded against me. But I was sure that underneath the surface, deep in the cold, dark, depths, somehow, it would be calm, peaceful, numb. I wanted to sink, while others wanted to swim to the surface and struggle against the current, to stay alive and fight the pain, I simple wanted to sink. But it’s when you stop struggling, stop fighting, that’s when you float. But I didn’t want to float. I wanted to sink and drown and finally, for once in my life, be happy! Tears streamed down my cheeks. I made an illegal U-Turn, and headed back to the lake.
You make me satisfied, you only want to ride,
But that’s alright with me, we happen to be free,
And if we fall from grace, at least we had a taste,
Of something more than this, unresolved black abyss.
But that’s alright with me, we happen to be free,
And if we fall from grace, at least we had a taste,
Of something more than this, unresolved black abyss.
I no longer sang along with the radio. I just drove, as fast as I could. I was at least 50 miles over the speed limit.
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m only looking for the sun to shine.
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m always looking for the sun,
I’m only looking for the sun to shine.
But there was no sun shining on my dark world; my dark, painful, hateful, cruel world. Finally, though it was only seconds later, I reached the lake. But I didn’t slow down. I sped straight into the lake. I didn’t struggle, didn’t fight. Lucky for me, trucks don’t float…
