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 Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:42 pm
Merlinic and Krome's Critique Thread of DOOM!Dude man. Yeah. Okay. The following list is out of date--reading my latest post(s) in the thread = more updated info and all. And I think I'm a few notches nicer than I was when this thread began, if that encourages any of you. 1. Enkaii--enkaii seems to be gone but I asked krome to give it a quick go over just in case she's still checking in
2. Tsynni--Scarlett Vixen gave her some feedback already (thank you), but I'm going to go through the first paragraph or two in addition
3. DarkScarlettVixen, rp review
4. DarkScarlettVIxen, profile review
5. Majime Sayo, roleplay
6. broncogursky, profile
7. Shizuka_kage, profile--original reviewed by Saoshyant, so we're reviewing the second version
8. Tomoshibi_Kage, prose
9. Yoder, roleplay stuff
10. Eveilded, profile
12. Priestess of Rhiannon, roleplay
13. ananda082001, postLongish version:Well. One day, Merlinic was wandering about the refuge and noticed--with some consternation, of course--that there were an amazing number of--ahem-- "below par" roleplayers about. Now, thought she, wasn't there supposed to be a school or something going to help with things like this? But, alas--she soon discovered that said school had somehow floundered, most likely due to the sudden disappearance of its headmaster. So. Ripping other people's posts to shreds sans explanation would undoubtedly be somewhat frowned on in most circles (especially considering that Merlinic had some problems with tact), so she endeavored to create a place where such constructive criticism would be accepted and hopefully even welcomed. Thus, she bugged krome for a little while about the idea; krome agreed to help ('cause Merlinic has no time) and before long this little thread made its way into existence. Shorter version: Lotsa you people suck (imagine that said in a fairly nice voice, by the way). A good number aren't really that bad--but could still use some improvement here and there. And some of you are honestly good but want to get better just for its own sake. Slap your stuff down here, and I (or krome, or anyone else in the thread that has some suggestion to make) will give it a looksee as soon as time allows. Guidelines:--This is primarily intended as a place to constructively critique character profiles and roleplay posts. Roleplay set-ups are also acceptable fodder. --Sarcastic wit and such is fine, but keep your posts constructive; no flames allowed. If you don't want severe criticism, make note of it when you post your stuff; otherwise lines like "Your description's okay--but I have to admit, your character honestly just plain sucks. *Insert detail of why*," will appear when necessary. --Grammar counts. Period. If you'd like to argue, gimme a yell--but if you're posting something to be critiqued, the wrong 'there' is going to be slapped without remorse. Yes, I understand that some people just need help on the whole grammar bit--and we're willing to give that--but skipping the basics out of laziness will earn you no points. --Anyone may critique anyone else unless the poster on a particular work has specified something else. --I'll add other stuffs if necessary, but hopefully the above covers it. --
And I hereby declare this shredder open for business.
Note to self: If you can sum up your character in five words and then realize the character is nothing much beyond those five words, you're in trouble. The same could possibly be applied to a much larger amount of words too...
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:26 pm
Yup! There's a reason this thread is titled as Merlinic's and Krome's. The two of us togethor is quite possible an Unholy Unity. There really isn't a ton to say that Merlinic hasn't mentioned already. However I am going to highlight a few things.
1) Do NOT come in here if you are easily offended.
No, there will be no pornography, since that's usually something you see when entering an adult site. How would I know this? Umm. >_> Lucky guess... *Guilty Silence*
Anyway, the meaning of that point is that we're NOT going to be nice just for the sake of being nice. If you can't handle being told that something flat out SUCKS, please go away.
Most of you know the nice and playful Krome. Guess what? I have a mean streak in me. Now, I won't be mean just to be mean, but I WILL tear into someone without remorse just ask anyone who's seen my application evaluations in the Star Wars Guild I'm a Mod of. Which brings me to my next point.
2) Whatever is said in here is NOT to be a personal attack and no grudges are to be held against that person, out of character.
If I tell you that your roleplaying style or something sucks, it is NOT a personal attack on you, just your roleplaying. (However if someone is making personal attacks that will be handled in an entirely different manner)
3) Rank will not be considered.
I don't care if this is your first post ever on Gaia, you're the Captain of the Guild, or one of the Mods on Gaia (unlikely, yes I know). We will critique you all the same with no concern for anything except your roleplaying style.
4) We will critique anything.
Our main focus will be character ideas and such. Prepare to defend your character if we ask you questions. However that's not all we'll be reviewing.
We will also be reviewing Roleplay ideas. Do you get tired of posting a roleplay and then it dying after 3 or 4 pages? That's what we're here for. Ask Galdrea, I'm VERY critical when it comes to new roleplay ideas. I ask alot of questions and do everything I can to point out flaws in your set up so they don't become fatal weaknesses later.
I put alot of work into setting up my roleplays. There's a reason I haven't joined any other roleplay in RPR and I've only been tempted THREE times. Because for the most part I see too many flaws in most roleplays to join.
So we will critique those here too.
We'll also critique posts or the directions current characters are developing if asked.
5) Yes it's a requirement for my roleplays that you post here.
For those of you applying for Galvan Nova Academy after the last day of October 2005, you will be reqiured to post your application here so that other people can see it and try and expose flaws. All those in any roleplay I start from here on after will be required to post their character here as well.
Why and I doing this? Two reasons. First off it helps start this thread rolling along. Secondly, and far more importantly it makes you a better roleplayer by making you come up with solid character concepts. (However, it should be noted that just because people happen to like your character's application in here does NOT mean I'll accept it, as is, for my roleplay.)
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:33 pm
Reserved for whatever may need be.
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 5:25 pm
Alright... LavenderSakura has been nice enough to let me take my chainsaw to her posts as an example. First off, her actual posts: Quote: A plain yellow taxi cab drove through the gates as the silver haired girl glanced through it's foggy windows vaguely noticing the words "Galvan Nova Academy" in an extravagant flourish of letters on the main gate. She then adverted her violet eyes to the buildings as the cab pulled up to the main office. She sighed as she stepped out from the car not waiting for any chauffer to open her door, after all she was born to the middle class and besides she wasn't one to have people do errands for her when she could do them and complete them at a much quicker rate. The taxi driver brought out her one flimsy suitcase filled with her belongings, nonchalantly depositing it at her feet. She did nothing more than glance at it and handed a couple of bills to the driver for his work. Then picking up the suitcase with no apparent effort she entered the building with a feeling of knowing what was to come. She walked down the hall to the door that spelled out 'Headmistress' she tentively knocked on the door even though she knew that no one resided in it. She let another sigh that sent a couple strands of her silver hair into the air, as she plopped down into the nearest chair, figuring she'd wait for the headmistress to come to her. She closed her violet eyes and bit her lip as she thought back on her life and how she possibly ended up here. How her life as she knew it cracked that fateful day of her birthday and how from there the crack grew each year until it eventually shattered into pieces all around her. How her mother was dead... her father thought of her like the embodiment of the devil.. and how she was a freak that made faucets turn on for no reason and how water defied gravity and swirled around her... and how she saw images swam through her head and of how she knew of something the second before it actually happened. She dug her head into her coat and inhaled deeply the sweet scent of lavender that lingered on the coat and was caught in the whorls of her fingertips as images of her tiny lit up room flooded back to her mind.
Quote: Suriah looked up at the headmistress as she summoned them to her office gesturing to the seats as she herself sat behind the table. Her violet eyes scanned the well furnished office before she adverted her eyes back to the headmistress, who had asked asked her some questions regarding her powers. She glanced at the girl next to her and decided that she should speak first. "I'm Suriah Angeline Cereus..." Suriah began in a low whisper before gained strength in her soft melodious voice, she paused before continuing. "Uhhh.. my power is kind of... errr... odd... I mean it just sort of popped up... a couple of days ago..." She stammered, wondering whether she sounded weird or not. "I was in some sort of arguement with my dad... and suddenly the faucets and the sprinklers on the ceiling brust on... and defied all laws of gravity by taking weird shapes around me... and to make things even weirder I see images of the future and I get these weird.. premonitions." Suriah said as she stared at the floor twisting the fabric of her skirt, banners of red painted across her cheeks in embarressment at what she said. "I don't really have any particular needs, or none that I know of anyways..." She trailed off, uncertain of herself, especially with all the new surprises that had jumped her way the past couple of days. She looked back up at the headmistress wondering what expression she had upon her face. Okay. *Revs* A plain yellow taxi cab drove through the gates as the silver haired girl glanced through it's foggy windows vaguely noticing the words "Galvan Nova Academy" in an extravagant flourish of letters on the main gate.When you say 'plain yellow' in front of taxi cab, you're not really giving us any new information--the average person will assume most taxis are plain and yellow. Either drop the adjectives or, if needed, use some that give us a more specific idea about why this cab is or is not unusual. Silver-haired (yes, a hyphen there, though that's minor) girl. Blergh. More on this later. Its, please, not it's--this is a possessive use, and 'its' with no apostrophe is the form your looking for. If nothing else at all, you need a comma between windows and vaguely. But that whole sentence is awkward when you put ,vaguely on the end--for one, it's not clear who's vaguely noticing it, the cab or the girl. Here's one possible fix: A taxi cab drove through the gates as the silver-haired girl [inside it] glanced through its foggy windows; as they passed, she vaguely noticed the words "Galvan Nova Academy" in an extravagant flourish of letters on the main gate. She then adverted her violet eyes to the buildings as the cab pulled up to the main office. She sighed as she stepped out from the car not waiting for any chauffer to open her door, after all she was born to the middle class and besides she wasn't one to have people do errands for her when she could do them and complete them at a much quicker rate. Adverted suggests looking away, and here you're talking more about her looking towards the buildings than away from the sign; therefore, I'd suggest a different verb. "She glanced towards the buildings as the cab pulled up to the main office," works fine. The violet eyes--and the silver hair--annoy me immensely by the time you get done with this post. A good part of this is character concept--I mean come on, do her eyes and hair really have to be freakishly strange colors? Many people seem to think they're uber cool--sadly--but I remain steadfast in my opinion that 95% of unreal eye/hair color schemes are just plain stupid. They have little purpose other than to be 'pretty' and often end up some kind of substitute for characterization. And if you're deadset on the uber-colors--I strongly suggest both A, laying off on the constant references to them, and B, being more realistic about them. I think you were trying to avoid mentioning her name, or something, but 'girl' works just as well as 'silver-haired violet-eyed utterly-stunning-girl' for those cases. As far as being realistic goes--is her hair honestly metallic? 'Cause unless she's got some damn weird hair-growing genes, 'silver' hair is really going to look just plain gray and white. And if you're daring, those same colors also happen to be pale, colorless, wan, and like a fifty-year-old... This next sentence is grammatically wacko. Try: She sighed as she stepped out from the car, not waiting for any chauffer to open her door. After all, she was born to the middle class--and besides, she wasn't one to have people do errands for her when she could do them faster herself. 'Born to the middle class' is still odd phrasing--maybe cut that part of the sentence out altogether? The taxi driver brought out her one flimsy suitcase filled with her belongings, nonchalantly depositing it at her feet. We can assume it's filled with her belongings. If it happens to be a terrorist bomb, pray, do tell. Actually, that could be an interesting plot point... *hums*... She did nothing more than glance at it and handed hand a couple of bills to the driver for his work.Note: You have a lot of sentences starting with 'she' here. Try for more variety? Then, picking up the suitcase with no apparent effort, she entered the building with a feeling of knowing what was to come. [The girl] walked down the hall to the door that spelled out 'Headmistress' and tentatively knocked on [it], even though she knew that no one was inside.Lotsa grammar stuff. [This] marks a place where you don't have to change it but I think it'd sound better that way, by the way... When I'm being consistant, anyway XD. Though you do need to scratch that 'resided in it'--for one, it's wordy, and for two, it sounds like whoever is living in the door. She let another sigh that sent a couple strands of her silver hair into the air and plopped down into the nearest chair, figuring she'd wait for the headmistress to come to her. Note: From what I understood and remember, Roxana was actually inside the whole time, you know. Technically her premonition was wrong. She closed her violet eyes and bit her lip as she thought back on her life and how she had possibly ended up here. And now we get into the past stuff. Might I note that this past is most Mary-Sueishly tragic? She's got a dead mother, bigot father, and thinks that she's a freak--but of course, if I'm reading the signs right, that psuedo-freakdom will soon give way 'I'm not a freak, I'm gifted and special for it *tone of self confidence*". Tragic pasts are possible, mind you--but when the reader rolls her eyes rather than sympathizing you've got a problem on your hands. Two general suggestions: use moderation and show rather than tell. 'Her family was cold to her after that' is more easily believed than 'her father threatened to kill her if she ever came back'; the latter may be appropriate in some situations, but such a scenario would have to be handled realistically to still be easily believed. Showing rather than telling can help you do that--for example, showing that she's, say, a little nervous and perhaps kind of wishes home hadn't gotten so messed up before she left is more subtle than laying out exactly what happened in her thoughts. Another example of showing the effects rather than laying it out: Maybe she's put what happened out of her mind, and never thinks about it if she can help it--but maybe one of the guys at Galvan looks so much like her father she almost jumps the first time she sees him. And by the way, the 'crack' analogy is way more amusing than it should be if you read this section aloud... Onto grammar. I cut out some of your 'hows' and replaced them with other phrasing for my own peace of mind--there were so many fragments otherwise... How her life as she knew it had cracked that fateful day of her birthday ((*Eyeroll*. Whatever 'it' is had to be on her birthday? Angst, angst, angst...))[--]and how from there the crack had grown each year until eventually it'd shattered into pieces all around her. Her mother was dead [and] her father thought she was the embodiment of the devil[--after all, she was the freak that made faucets turn on for no reason.] Water [itself] defied gravity and swirled around her[as it wished][--nevermind how she could see images swim through her head and know] of something the second before it actually happened.She dug her head into her coat, inhaling deeply the sweet scent of lavender that lingered it. and was caught in the whorls of her fingertips [Sparked by the scent,] images of her tiny lit up room[, all lit up a night,] flooded back to the girl's mind. How exactly do you dig your head into something, especially when it's assumed you're wearing said object? I'd suggest other phrasing. The stuff about her fingertips I think is a good attempt at detail, but it made no immediate sense and, even when I did have some idea of what you meant, didn't add anything to the story. *Moves on to second post*. Suriah looked up at the headmistress as she summoned them to her office and gestured to the seats as she herself sat [down] behind the table. [The girl's[ ((being extra clear here)) violet eyes scanned the well-furnished office before she adverted her eyes flickering/jerking/moving ((pick one)) back to the headmistress, who had asked her some questions regarding her powers. She glanced at the girl next to her and decided that she should speak first. ((I would say "Glancing at the girl next to her, Suriah decided to speak up first.)) "I'm Suriah Angeline Cereus..." Suriah began in a low whisper before gaining strength in her soft melodious voice. She paused before continuing. "Uhhh.. my power is kind of... errr... odd... I mean it just sort of popped up... a couple of days ago..." [the girl] stammered, wondering whether she sounded weird or not. That name. Oh my gods, that name makes me want to go crawl into a hole and die. Die laughing, maybe, but still die. Really now. Suriah isn't even a normal first name--I mean, unless her parents were hippies or something (in which case she'd've prolly been something semi-normal like Daisy, not Suriah), I'm at loss for how they ever got around to coming up with that string of syllables. Didn't she ever get teased on the playground? Angeline, soft, melodioooouuss tone that it is, is not helping anything. Did she even have to mention her middle name (aside from to point out how pretty it was)? I wouldn't've. And 'Cereus'... Come on--have you ever heard anything in real life even vaguely resembling that pile of uber-pretty fluff? Cereus is technically possible, like all of them are--but try 'Smith' next time. Please. It'll save little Suriah-Angeline-Cereus-the-Second a few of those playground taunts I mentioned... Your dialogue isn't actually half bad, though be wary of using too many ellipses. Three dots (not two) when you do use one, though... "I was in some sort of argument with my dad... and suddenly the faucets and the sprinklers on the ceiling burst on... and defied all laws of gravity by taking weird shapes around me... and to make things even weirder, I see images of the future and I get these weird... premonitions." Suriah said as she stared at the floor, twisting the fabric of her skirt banners of red painted across her cheeks in embarressment at what she said [as she blushed in embarassment.] "I don't really have any particular needs, or none that I know of anyways..." She trailed off, uncertain of herself, especially with all the new surprises that had jumped her way the past couple of days. The girl looked ((look=weak verb here--try something more specific, like adding an adverb or picking a different verb altogether.)) back up at the headmistress, wondering what expression she had upon her face. [how she was taking all this.]Whew. I feel better now. How 'bout you? Ask if summat doesn't make sense, of course.
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 2:02 pm
ninja Merlinic-sama, have I ever mentioned that you are scary? If I haven't, you are. blaugh Anyway, would you please take your chainsaw to my new "Stranded" RP, and tell me what I screwed up, grammatically? *Checks her grammar and spelling in this post.* sweatdrop
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 4:09 pm
I would have just posted the first half of your grammar editing--but gaia oh-so-pleasantly decided it didn't want to... So, thanks to my being busy and my needing time to cool off from that, I'm afraid I'm going to have to get back to you tomorrow... ><
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 5:23 pm
Quote: The year is 2122, and you are an astronaut, heading up on the Mars Expedition, one of eight of the first people to ever visit Mars. The trip is meant to take a total of two years: six months to get there, a year to study, six months to get back, and everything has been going fine. Shortly after your last transmission to Earth, before landing on Mars, there is a painfully bright flash that completely blinds you and everyone else. You can hear the faintest sound of a woman's voice whispering, calling for help. When you awaken, you discover that you are on a lush and beautiful, but entirely foreign planet. All the ship's machinery has, apparently, shorted itself out, and you have no idea where you are, what happened, or how to get home. What will you do? You are an inhabitant of the planet of Kreshde, just going about your daily life. Looking to the sky, you see something flee the sky, for the safety of the Elven Forest. What will you do? Elves Elves are creatures of the woods, disdainful of all who would intentionally cause harm to nature, but very welcoming to those who have lost their way, be it literally or only mentally. They age only one year for every twenty years humans age, and are renowned for their knowledge and magical prowess. Elves are very tall creatures, usually over a foot taller than humans, on average. They live in the woods bearing their race's name, in large, elaborate towns, mostly cut off from one another, alongside Faerie villages. Faeries Faeries, like Elves, are creatures of the woods. Faeries are the most magical creatures on Kreshde, the most connected to the land, and the strongest indicator for the planet's health, so they are not only permitted, but welcomed in the Elven Forest. Faeries age only one year for every hundred years humans age, and are also know for their supreme wisdom, and superior magical skill. Faeries tend to be about a third of the height of the average human, on average, and have wings, whose styles vary, depending on their origin. The only ones who are known to have consistent contact with the Fae are the Elves, and the very old and wise on Kreshde. Very few others see these mystical creatures, and it is considered a sign of life-long wisdom and good luck if one does. Humans The humans of Kreshde are a highly suspicious, and extremely overzealous group of creatues, who worship a HUGE pantheon of deities, just as the other beings of Kreshde do, but the Humans put much more stock in their deities, often incurring the irritation of said deities. The Humans are the second least populous race of Kreshde, because of their tendency to battle one another over ridiculous things. Dwarves Dwarves are strong, enthusiastic creatures. They tend to live in caves their ancestors dug out, and are in constant search of precious and semi-precious metals and gems. Dwarves and Elves wholeheartedly dislike each other, and nothing short of the end of the world will bring these two races together. Dwarves tend to be about half the height of Elves, and age three years for every year humans age. Merfolk Merfolk are half-human, half-fish freshwater creatures. They have long, beautiful tails, with razor-sharp fins, which they use to defend themselves. Merfolk are herbivourous creatures, and will, when food underwater is scarce, transform their fins into human-like legs to search for food in the area surrounding their lake homes. Merfolk age five years for every one year humans age, and are well-known for their playfulness. Vilda Vilda are human-like creatures, with some fundamental differences: All Vilda have silver hair, regardless of age. Vilda can transform into any living creature they wish, but they will always have the identifying characteristic of silver hair/feathers/skin. Vilda live whereever they can, from the forest, to the ocean, to caves. Vilda have a hereditary Berserker complex,which stipulates that when something truly enrages them, they will continue after the source of their anger, tossing aside anything that gets in their way, until it is completely destroyed, or they die, and are identifiable, in this state, by having red pupils. Vilda age at about the same rate as humans. Sirens Sirens are half-human, half-fish sea creatures. Like their freshwater equivalents, Sirens have long, beautiful tails, with razor-sharp fins, which are used, not only for defense, but also for killing their prey. Unlike Merfolk, Sirens are highly carnivorous creatures, with a strong taste for land-dwelling creatures. Sirens truly enjoy seducing land-dwelling creatures into drowning themselves, and the only way to avoid becoming a meal for such a creature is to bring someone of the opposite gender with you, because even though a Siren's song is irrisistible to someone of the opposing gender, it sounds like a painful cacophony to someone of the same gender. On rare occaisions, Sirens will, instead of killing sentient prey, mate with them, and if they survive the encounter, send them back home. Sirens are general NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS, which means they may or may not show up, depending on where you are, and CANNOT serve as members of the party. Rules: PM all forms to me. Obey Gaia's rules and TOS. Ask if you aren't sure about something! Put "Gummi lurffs Dragonfly." in the topic of the PM, to tell me that you read the rules. Have fun! Tell others. That sentence structure is iffy. Try: The year is 2122 and you are one of the eight astronauts on the first Mars Expedition. The trip is meant to take a total of two years: six months to get there, a year to study, and six months to get back; [so far,]everything has been going fine well. Technically everything but the 'fine' was correct, I think, but that version is more clear. ('Fine' is an adjective, and in that spot you need an adverb.) I would also go so far as to suggest condensing the phrasing of 'meant to take' just into 'will take'. Shortly after your last transmission to Earth, before landing on Mars, there was a painfully bright flash that completely blinded you and everyone else. You could hear the faintest sound of a woman's voice whispering, calling for help. This had problems with tense--don't switch to present when you're still talking about the past. The phrasing itself's a little odd too... Perhaps technically correct, but it sounds odd. Here's a better version, though it drops and/or adds some information: Shortly before the ship began its descent, a painfully bright flash of light blinded everyone onboard. You were able to/could hear the faintest sound of a woman's voice calling for help [before the world went dark/you blacked out].
When you awoke, you discovered that you were on a lush and beautiful but entirely foreign planet. All the ship's machinery has, apparently, shorted itself out, and you have no idea where you are, what happened, or how to get home.
What will you do?The next bit I just rewrote 'cause it was faster that way: You were an inhabitant of the planet Kreshde going about your daily life when you saw something streak through the sky above. [Not knowing what it could be,] You [scrambled/ran] for the safety of the Elven Forest. What will you do? Elves are creatures of the woods, disdainful of all who would intentionally cause harm to nature, but very welcoming to those who have lost their way, be it literally or only mentally. They age only one year for every twenty years humans age, and are renowned for their knowledge and magical prowess. Elves are very tall creatures, usually over a foot taller than humans, on average. They live in the woods bearing their race's name, in large, elaborate towns, mostly cut off from one another, alongside Faerie villages. Myergh.... Once again, your sentences are so strange I think they may be technically correct, but... This is basically a more straightforward version: Creatures of the woods, elves disdain everyone would intentially harm nature but welcome those who have lost their way [(physically or mentally)]. They age one year for every twenty humans do and are renowned for their knowledge and magical poweress. Elves are, on average, about a foot taller than humans. They live in large, elaborate [but unassociated/unconnected] towns within the woods bearing their race's name. Faeries, like Elves, are creatures of the woods. Faeries are the most magical creatures on Kreshde, the most connected to the land, and the strongest indicator for the planet's health, so they are not only permitted, but welcomed in the Elven Forest. Faeries age only one year for every hundred years humans age, and are also known for their supreme wisdom, and superior magical skill. Faeries tend to be about a third of the height of the average human, on average, and have wings, whose styles vary, depending on their origin. The only ones who are known to have consistent contact with the Fae are the Elves, and the very old and wise on Kreshde. Very few others see these mystical creatures, and it is considered a sign of life-long wisdom and good luck if one does. Same thing: there's a chance that all your comma phrases are technically correct there, but to me the version below is clearer and more concise: Faeries, like Elves, are creatures of the woods. Faeries are the most magical creatures on Kreshde, the most connected to the land, and the strongest indicator of the planet's health. Faeries age only one year for every hundred humans age; they are known for their supreme wisdom and superior magical skill. They tend to be about a third of the height of the average human and have wings that vary in style according to the faerie's origin. Only the elves and the very old and wise members of other races have consistent contact with the Faeries. Very few others see these mystical creatures, so it is considered a sign of life-long wisdom and good luck to do so. The humans of Kreshde are a highly suspicious, and extremely overzealous group of creatues, who worship a HUGE pantheon of deities, just as the other beings of Kreshde do, but the Humans put much more stock in their deities, often incurring the irritation of said deities. The Humans are the second least populous race of Kreshde, because of their tendency to battle one another over ridiculous things. Whoa, that first sentence is definitely a run-on. Here's another clearness-rewrite: The humans of Kreshde are a highly suspicious and overzealous group of creatures. They worship a huge pantheon of deities--just like the other beings of Kreshde--but ____. (Blank because I'm really not sure exactly what those last two lines mean and so don't know how to concise them.) They are the second least populous race on Kreshde because of their tendency to battle one another. ((Why I dropped the last bit: not a grammar comment, but do you really have to villify the humans so much more than the other two races I've read? Seems a bit unfair....)) Dwarves are strong, enthusiastic creatures. They tend to live in caves their ancestors dug out and are in constant search of precious and semi-precious metals and gems. Dwarves and Elves wholeheartedly dislike abhor [one another;] nothing short of the end of the world will bring [the two] together. Dwarves tend to be about half the height of Elves and age three years for every year humans age. Do they tend to, or can you be more assertive and just say they do? Merfolk are half-human, half-fish freshwater creatures. They have long, beautiful tails, with razor-sharp fins, which they use to defend themselves. Merfolk are herbivourous creatures, and will, when food underwater is scarce, transform their fins into human-like legs to search for food in the area surrounding their lake homes. Merfolk age five years for every one year humans age and are well-known for their playfulness. They only live fifteen years? Man. Less comma-freaked version: Merfolk are half-human, half-fish freshwater creatures. They have long, beautiful tails with razor-sharp fins [perfect] for self-defense. Merfolk are herbivourous creatures; when food underwater is scarce, they will transform their fins into human-like legs and search for food in the area surrounding their lake homes. Merfolk age five years for every one year humans [do] and are well-known for their playfulness. Vilda are [very] human-like creatures; unlike humans, however, they have silver hair regardless of their age. Vilda can transform into any living creature they wish, but they will always have the identifying characteristic of silver hair/feathers/skin. They live wherever they can, from the forests to the oceans to the caves. Vilda have a hereditary Berserker complex; when something truly enrages them, they will pursue the source of their anger--regardless of any obstacles--until it is completely destroyed. (Red pupils identify Vilda in this state.) Vilda age at about the same rate as humans. Check whether you really mean 'pupil' there--the iris is part of your eye that normally has color, but I suppose the pupil could change too... Note: In all of these, I change alot of your ,ands to semicolons--that's mostly my personal preference... Sirens are half-human, half-fish sea creatures. Like their freshwater equivalents, Sirens have long, beautiful tails with razor-sharp fins. Unlike Merfolk, however, Sirens are highly carnivorous creatures; they have a strong taste for land-dwelling creatures in particular. Sirens truly enjoy seducing them into drowning themselves; the only way to avoid becoming one of their meals is to travel with [a member] of the opposite gender, as even though a Siren's song is irresistible to someone of the opposing gender, [it is] a painful cacophony to the same gender. ((Note: that still doesn't really explain how they keep from being eaten.)) On rare occaisions, Sirens will, instead of killing sentient prey, mate with him or her instead. If the prey survives the encounter, they will [usually] send the land-dweller back home. Sirens are general NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS; that means they may or may not show up, depending on where [your character is], and CANNOT serve as members of the party. Put "Gummi lurffs Dragonfly." in the topic of the PM to [show] me that you read the rules. I'm too lazy at the moment to go back through and check all this again (><), but I think I was careful enough for most of it to be correct... Granted, especially when things got complicated, I was a bit lazy at pointing out exactly what I was changing there, so ask if something's confusing. Your largest concrete problems were commas, run-on sentences, and an overload of modifying-clause-comma-thingies; my rewrites also tried to make your writing more concise and direct. Whew.
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 8:25 pm
*big smile* thank you, Merlinic. I made most of the changes you said to make, and some, I outright kidnapped! sweatdrop hope you don't mind.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 9:22 am
Agh! *Roars chainsaw upon spotting problems when she investigated your final product* Shortly after your last transmission before descent, a painfully bright flash BLINDED everyone onboard. You could hear the faintest sound of a woman's voice calling for help, before your WORLD WENT black. You WERE an inhabitant of the planet [NO 'OF' UNLESS OFFICIAL NAME] Kreshde [NO COMMA] just going about your daily life when you saw something streak through the sky above you. Not knowing what it could be, you scrambled for the safety of the Elven Forest. What will you do? Or, if you like present: You ARE... when you SEE... you SCRAMBLE Creatures of the woods, elves disdain all who would intentionally cause harm to nature [NO COMMA] but welcome those who have lost their way [SPACE and then LITTLE M on mentally](mentally or physically). Or: Elves disdain... nature, but THEY welcome... This is because you use a comma when separating two complete sentences but NOT when separating (for example, in this case) two actions of the same subject. I sang and danced. NOT: I sang, and danced. I sang, and then I danced. NOT: I sang and then I danced. (The very last one would be correct in some circles because the phrases involved are very short, but otherwise it would be incorrect. See the stuff here under coordinating conjunctions if you want another example and explanation of that: http://www.llrx.com/columns/grammar9.htm They age one year for every twenty years humans age [NO COMMA] and are renowned for their knowledge and magical prowess. Elves are, on average, about a foot taller than humans. They live in large, elaborate villages, disassociated from one another, yet maintaining contact with the Fae. Read that aloud and please tell me you hear the sheer wrongness of 'maintaining' there. If we leave 'disa...another' as it is, this is correct: They live in large, elaborate villages [NO COMMA} disassociated from one another[NO COMMA] yet maintain contact with the Fae. Yes, that sounds kinda weird too--part of it's because you have the 'disa.. another' phrase inbetween the 'live' and 'maintain' actions, so it's difficult to follow the sentence's meaning without stepping back and staring for a moment. So here's a better version: They live in large, elaborate villages; though they [all] maintain contact with the Fae, there is usually little communication between separate [settlements/villages/towns]. The humans of Kreshde are a highly suspicious [NO COMMA] and overzealous group of creatues. They worship a huge pantheon of deities--just like the other beings of Kreshde--but they put more stock in them [AND OFTEN INCUR] the wrath of said deities. I still don't really get how the humans' putting more faith in their deities incurs said deities' wrath, but as that's the only thing I can figure you mean, I changed this sentence to correctly reflect that. The Humans ((decide whether 'humans' is capitalized or not and stick with it--your first sentence has no capital)) are the second least populous race of Kreshde [NO COMMA] because of their tendency to battle one another over. They live in caves their ancestors dug out [NO COMMA] and are in constant search of precious and semi-precious metals and gems. Dwarves are about half the height of Elves [NO COMMA] and age three years for every year humans age. Unlike Merfolk, however, Sirens cannot transform their fins into legs [NO COMMA] and are highly carnivorous creatures; they have a strong taste for land-dwelling creatures in particular. Sorry if I missed one of those beforehand and am now biting you over it (I personally hate it when teachers do that ><); if you don't understand the 'why' behind whether or not to use a comma, talk to either me or your English teacher for some extra guidance. Oh yeah--and no, I don't mind you stealing my words, so long as you're learning something from them about how to be 'better' from the start next time ^^.
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 8:11 am
Oooh wow, you mind correcting all my english essays from now on? xd
Really this is just too wonderful, I'll have to use this review thread some day.
I seriously want to join Galvan now and have you guys go through my application. And maybe I will, after all I did say I'd join someday a while ago after getting that PM 3nodding
Keep up the good work, I'm just here to cheer you on.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 10:50 am
Hey, I was wondering if I could join the Galvan Nova Academy.
Name: Rhiannon Brunel (Ai Zhaoling is her Chinese name)
Age: 16
Alignment: Suffra
Special Abilities: flight, limited telekenesis, agility, increased strength
Appearance: Rhiannon has a slender build, and barely reaches 5'3. Her long hair changed from brown to dark blue after her first Eruption, and it's tied back into a braid. A few strands of it hang in front of her brown eyes. It is obvious from her facial features and pale skin that she is from oriental descent. She generally wears clothing that is either blue or purple clothing, and prefers jeans and long skirts to shorts, though she has a fair amount of them in her closet.
Personality: Rhiannon is a very introverted person. The only time she loosens up is when she is with friends. She is always polite and respectful to elders, but will not stand for discrimination and ignorance.
Sexual Orientation: Hmm, I guess I never really thought about it. I suppose it doesn't matter who it is, as long as she loves the person. (BI!)
History: Rhiannon was christened Ai Zhaoling when she was born in China. Soon after, her father died and she and her mother moved to Texas. Her mother gave her the name Rhiannon, so that she could adjust more. When she was four, her mother began teaching her how to play the Erhu, a two-stringed violin-like instrument. About a year later, her mother married a man who at the time seemed like a good person. It wasn't till about a year later that he began to abuse both Rhiannon and her mother. Her mother wanted to do something, but was afraid for her daughter's safety.
Nine years later, Rhiannon's mother gave birth to a boy. Her stepfather was overjoyed, and the beatings almost entirely stopped. When the boy was nine months old, though, it was discovered that he was entirely deaf. Rhiannon came home from school that day, and witnessed her stepfather beating the child. Overcome with rage, Rhiannon Erupted, nearly killing the man. Her mother called the paramedics, but both the baby and her stepfather died within the next week.
As there was still very little known about Eruption, Rhiannon's charges of manslaughter were dropped, and she lived with her mother in relative happiness for the next year.
How was that?
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 2:24 pm
*Starts to clap for Zelda* Congradulations hun. You're the very first person to have the courage to publically face my evaluation since I changed the rule to have people post their profiles here. So you deserve a round of applause for that.
Now, like most people, there are some things I need you to change/modify/improve upon. But don't worry, characters almost always go through modifications. Sometimes several. (the record right now is 12 revisions though i won't mention names since i'm not sure if she'd be embaressed or not)
First off, your name. I totally understand the fact that your name changed to fit in better, but Rhiannon doesn't really strike me as easier even in america it's still a weird name. You might want to look at that, Generally I leave names alone because people can be named anything but if you were named it to fit in better, you might want something a bit more commonplace, though i won't require it ^_^
However you don't explain in your history WHERE it fit in better. You don't explain if you moved to america or europe or something, when you moved or why. So that needs fleshing out.
Second, your powers. I need a couple things. First i need you to change them, multiple powers is ok, but I generally want the m to be related in someway, flight, and limited telekinesis are more mental powers while agility and increased strength are more physical. So if you're going to have multiple powers I need you to be able to relate them.
Next, i want you to choose something other than telekinesis, we have too many people who can manipulate with their mind. And that isn't limited just to telekinesis, but the other forms of kinesis (pyrokinesis and aerokinesis especially are WAY overused so i made a note about them being off limits for awhile.)
FInally for your powers I need you to describe them a bit better. you say "superstrength" but give no corresponding definition. I mean are we talking hulk level strength (200+ tons) or spiderman level strength (3-tons) (if you find yourself saying hulk level strength, stop and redo the character lol)
The only other thing I'd like to see is a more fleshed out history. Especially the part about how you erupted. I mean if I came home and saw a parent beating a nine month old child, i'd probably go nuts too and use a crowbar to the parent's head, nearly killing them. Though it wouldn't mean i'd erupted with superpowers. So be a bit more specific about what happened there,
Now, I know that I've told you to edit and change alot.
Don't worry about it. It's not embaressing at all. You are the first to face up to public scrutiny, so you should be commended.
Just post it back here when you're done ^_^
Krome_devil.
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 3:30 pm
Gaia Name: ScarlettVixen
Name: Daystar Clarion
Age: 15
Special Abilities: Healing, Star Fire (characterized by being hotter than regular fire, white in appearance, very explosive, aka Ether), Uber good hearing and sense of smell, sensitive to certain vibes.
Appearance: She is of petit build, her hair is true black. her eyes are a very pale green and a bit unnerving. Daystar is blind, but she uses something called Sight, which allows her to see using noise, very much like echo location but she can actually create a picture in her mind. She keeps her hair long and braided with a gold ring tied at the end. She is slim and looks a bit frail but is actually of wiry build. Since she has not vision, she is very sensitive to auras and feelings.
Personality: She is very quiet but has a very strong voice when she decides to speak. She is also very mild tempered, rarely moved to anger.
Sexual Orientation: She is shy in this department because she does not believe that any male would be interested in her becasue she cannot see like other girls. Sure she's pretty but her lack of sight gives her lack of self esteem. She is not interested int girls at all romantically only boys.
History: She was raised in an orphanage, her parents unknown. Her powers became manifest when she got close to puberty. The orphanage said that she was left in a basket on their steps when she was a baby so they don't even know who her parents are. She loves to read...brail of course! She was found to be a very good singer so she was enrolled in all singing recitals offered by the orphanage. She does sometimes have dreams about her parents, she can never make out their faces but she can see her surroundings, which is very richly furnished and quite beautiful. The dreams normally turn into nightmares, consumed by fire, feelings of sorrow, rage, and betrayal. She generally doesn't remember a lot about these dreams except the very potent impression of emotion. Surprisingly, she was taught how to defend herself in the orphanage, they didn't tell her why, it turns out that a note that accompanied her as an infant left certain instructions on what they were to do for her. So she has a very concrete knowledge in self defense. ((Yeah I know it sounds weird but she kicks butt...))
((Note: Daystar was originally a dragon who was super old and super skilled...I made a few adjustments to her to fit this rp! ^^))
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 3:53 pm
Oh, I'm not worried. In fact, I expected a bit more. I've known for a while my rping skills need to be polished a bit, and I think this will help. ^_^
Name: Katelyn Brunel (Ai Zhaoling is her Chinese name)
Age: 16
Alignment: Suffra
Special Abilities: flight: She could probably fly for about half an hour without being tired out.
Energy Blasts: Blasts of blue energy from her hands that probably are about as strong as a punch right now.
Energy Shields: A spherical shield, that can probably fit about three people. Can deflect bullets, but probably nothing stronger than that.
Empathy: The ability to sense the emotions of others near her. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that they begin to impress onto her.
Appearance: Rhiannon has a slender build, and barely reaches 5'3. Her long hair changed from brown to dark blue after her first Eruption, and it's tied back into a braid. A few strands of it hang in front of her brown eyes. It is obvious from her facial features and pale skin that she is from oriental descent. She generally wears clothing that is either blue or purple clothing, and prefers jeans and long skirts to shorts, though she has a fair amount of them in her closet.
Personality: Rhiannon is a very introverted person. The only time she loosens up is when she is with friends. She is always polite and respectful to elders, but will not stand for discrimination and ignorance.
Sexual Orientation: Hmm, I guess I never really thought about it. I suppose it doesn't matter who it is, as long as she loves the person. (BI!)
Katelyn was christened Ai Zhaoling when she was born in China. Soon after, her father died and she and her mother moved them to Europe to search for some of her distant cousins. When they arrived, they were nowhere to be found, so they began to rent out an apartment. Her mother gave her the name Katelyn, so that she could adjust more. Whenever they were in private, though, she always called her daughter by her given name.
When she was four, her mother began teaching her how to play the Erhu, a two-stringed violin-like instrument. About a year later, her mother married a man who at the time seemed like a good person. It wasn't till about a year later that he began to abuse both Rhiannon and her mother. Her mother wanted to do something, but was afraid for her daughter's safety.
Nine years later, Rhiannon's mother gave birth to a boy. Her stepfather was overjoyed, and the beatings almost entirely stopped. When the boy was nine months old, though, it was discovered that he was entirely deaf. Rhiannon came home from school that day, and witnessed her stepfather beating the child. Overcome with rage, Rhiannon Erupted, nearly killing the man. Her mother called the paramedics, but both the baby and her stepfather died within the next week.
As there was still very little known about Eruption, Rhiannon's charges of manslaughter were dropped, and she lived with her mother in relative happiness for the next year.
How's that?
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 4:10 pm
*Notes to Vixen that it might be tomorrow before she hears back* I'm going to do Zelda's second here 'cause I already wrote out half of it, but yours is going to take longer (and I'm leaving for a ~two hour class in a bit here and I have the first part of an English paper due tomorrow, so time is short).
Name: Katelyn Brunel (Ai Zhaoling is her Chinese name)
I'll let the weird-ish spelling slip. It's on the edge, but it's believable (and better than Rhiannon), so it works.
Age: 16
Alignment: Suffra
Special Abilities: flight: She could probably fly for about half an hour without being tired out.
Energy Blasts: Blasts of blue energy from her hands that probably are about as strong as a punch right now.
Energy Shields: A spherical shield, that can probably fit about three people. Can deflect bullets, but probably nothing stronger than that.
Empathy: The ability to sense the emotions of others near her. Sometimes the emotions are so strong that they begin to impress onto her.
Hmm. Still a lot of powers... If it were me, I'd cut out the last empathy bit altogether and stick with the flight and energy things, but krome may be more willing to let it slide in with the others. Though, the empathy thing can almost get annoying if you don't play it right...
Appearance: [K] has a slender build [NO COMMA] and barely reaches 5'3. Her long hair changed from brown to dark blue after her first [eruption; she wears it] tied back into a braid. A few strands of it hang in front of her brown eyes. It is obvious from her facial features and pale skin that she is from oriental descent. She generally wears clothing that is either blue or [purple and] prefers jeans and long skirts to shorts [(though she has a fair amount of the latter two in her closet)].
-Does she purposely always let a few strands hang in her eyes? Unless she was the type of person to do it purely for the look, it seems like that'd get annoying enough after awhile that she'd pull them back too. [The brackets mean grammar changes.] Edit: And I was being lazy on the grammar, so I might've actually missed some... but I caught the worst, I think.
Personality: [K] is a very introverted person. The only time she loosens up is when she is with friends. She is always polite and respectful to elders, but will not stand for discrimination and ignorance.
Okay, I suppose that cuts it okay for personality, 'cause I can picture it as the outline for a person... but when you play her, make sure you flesh out the generalizations here.
Sexual Orientation: Hmm, I guess I never really thought about it. I suppose it doesn't matter who it is, as long as she loves the person. (BI!)
I hereby alert you to the fact that a hell of a lot of people are bi in this rp. Wonder how it compares to real life population in percents...
Katelyn was christened Ai Zhaoling when she was born in China. Soon after, her father died and she and her mother moved them to Europe to search for some of her distant cousins. When they arrived, [the cousins] were nowhere to be found, so they began to rent out an apartment. Her mother gave her the name Katelyn, so that she could adjust more. Whenever they were in private, though, she always called her daughter by her given name.
When she was four, her mother began teaching her how to play the Erhu, a two-stringed violin-like instrument. About a year later, her mother married a man who at the time seemed like a good person. It wasn't till about a year later that he began to abuse both [Katelyn] and her mother. Her mother wanted to do something, but was afraid for her daughter's safety.
(Thank you for the nod to her mother's motivations there.)
Nine years later, [K]'s mother gave birth to a boy. Her stepfather was overjoyed, and the beatings almost entirely stopped. When the boy was nine months old, though, it was discovered that he was entirely deaf. [K] came home from school that day, and witnessed her stepfather beating the child. Overcome with rage, [K] [e]rupted, nearly killing the man. Her mother called the paramedics, but both the baby and her stepfather died within the next week.
As there was still very little known about [e]ruption, [K]'s charges of manslaughter were dropped, and she lived with her mother in relative happiness for the next year.
Thank you also for the touch on what happened to the legal charges. However, I'm still missing the feel here for what K's childhood was really like--did the world revolve around her stepfather, or was he secondary to other things? How well did she do in school? Did she even like school? Did she have a close relationship with her mother, or was it just a common-enemy type of thing? And etc and etc... Once again, just try to give me a 'feel' for it somewhere in there.
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