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This is creepy; this sounds just like my parent's house when I visit home. Except that our sink and dishwasher did work, but were judiciously ignored. Strangely enough, it also sounds like my brother's room when I had to clean it out to take it over. Dishes, mold, food, smells, and did I mention mold, that grew out of the carpet? Add to that the vacuuming all the weed and cannabis seeds out of the carpet, and you had good times. (not really)

Day 2 (03-29-09): The $!&* Garbage Disposal

Deciding that the sink should get fixed before my patience ran out, I inspected the garbage disposal. I found the reset switch popped out, but when I pressed and tried the disposal again, it appeared it was already too late. I went out bought a top of the line garbage disposal that could grind a Buick into dust. It was bulky and it was heavy, but if it's able to eat my old garbage disposal, I would die happy.

I took a look at the old garbage disposal, trying to figure out how to get the dang thing out. I yanked on it with Alan wrenches and failed miserably to unscrew it, but the blasted thing refused to come out. After nearly an hour I had made zero progress. The screw had come out, but the disposal still hung from the sink. It was now leaking an ichorous sludge into the cabinet while plumber's putty rained down around it.

I had had enough of the effing thing. I grabbed the top with pliers and spent half an hour prying it into itself. After a good yank, the garbage disposal fell into my hands. I was so tired and pissed that I threw it at the patio outside. I then took a hammer and beat the crap out of thing. If my father hadn't taken my sledge hammer by accident, I would have mashed the thing into metal sprinkles. Months of having to bail out sinks and then having to deal with the bug infestation all while NOT being able to use the stupid thing had taken it's toll on me.

I struggled with newer, much heavier garbage disposal. I had to install a plug on the dang thing which was NOT included with my $320 purchase. I went to retrieve the old one from the now battered unit bleeding on the concrete only to find that I had smashed a metal plate into the wiring which severed it. $15 and two rewirings later, I had installed the new plug and hooked up the garbage disposal. I connected the pipes and turned on the sink only to find that pipes somehow no longer fit right and that water was leaking everywhere.

Day 4 (03-31-09): Epic Battle of the Buzzening!

I decided to finish the rest of the clean up. Only another hour of work and the kitchen would have been spotless. I threw more trash away and emptied the dishwasher (which now drains!).

The dog was begging to go outside, so I let her out and left the door open. After a few minutes, the cats began chasing random flies that had buzzed in. While I wasn't happy thinking about having to clean up dead flies, I was still enjoying the fresh air.

One of my cats strolled into the kitchen while I was unloading the dishes and he kept staring at something. I heard a faint buzzing and just assumed that he had followed a fly into the kitchen. I finished unloading the dishes and the cat still sat there, staring at the microwave, meowing his little silent meowls. I didn't see the fly he was chasing, so I just ignored him. Once I had loaded another set of dishes into the washer I decided to see what the cat was staring at. I inspected the stove top, the microwave, and the window, but still found no fly. I gave up and picked up more junk off the counter, eventually coming to a bottle of olive oil that I normally stored in the cabinet above the microwave... where I noticed the buzzing was coming from.

I cautiously opened the cabinet door and was greeted by three rather defensive bees. I panicked. I grabbed all the cats and threw them into a bedroom. I raced for the nearest can of raid and discovered ANOTHER bee had joined the previous trio. I waited until they were in the window and sprayed them until they didn't move. I breathed a sigh of relief before I realized that more bees had crawled out from the now closed cabinet door and we buzzing around me.

Panicking again, I grabbed two sweaters, pulled on a pair of denim pants, and grabbed my gloves. I hunted for one of my three ski masks, but I couldn't find a single one, so I threw my hoodie on. I grabbed the ladder from the garage and raced outside where I jumped onto the roof. That's when I saw them, swarming around the vent pipe the lead into the kitchen--dozens of bees entering and leaving my home.

I went on the attack, with a can of Raid in each hand. I must have looked like a crazy person, with my pants tucked into my socks and covered head to toe, randomly flailing and spraying at seemingly nothing... on my roof... in plain sight of the whole neighborhood. Once the bees backed off I sprayed into the vent until one of the cans was almost empty.

I rushed back down to the kitchen to find that a pile of dead bees had grown around the four I had originally sprayed. There was now nearly twenty. I gathered my change and went to Home Depot where I bought some aluminum mesh. I crawled back onto the roof and Mickey Moused a screen over the vent to prevent them from coming back in and turned on the fan in the kitchen. It's been on for four hours now...

Thanks! *sits on toilet* My fun for today is to actually finish... but who knows what I'll find next! A Mac truck? Meteor Man? CHARLES DARWIN?!

Day 5 (04-01-09): Journey to the Center of the Roof

After battling the bees on the roof I felt the urgent need to hunt them down in the roof. ...Instead, I chose to bide my time by gardening. -.-;;

Once the side yard was thoroughly de-foxtailed, the large bush out front was trimmed back, and the annoying tree next to the gate was trimmed back I decided to stop being such a pansy. I crawled into the roof, which was more cavernous than I expected. Back home, my dad always crawled into a tiny space in the roof. It was always dark and scared the crap out of me. While still scary, my roof is very well lit and tall. In fact, it didn't take me long to find the fan pipe the bees had entered through the day before. It was void of bees and I stood there for a moment listening to find out if I wasn't seeing bees that were really there.

Finding my home bee free (who's that Pokemon?) I dove back down through the hole and into my hallway. Back in the kitchen, I opened up the cupboard, covered up the exposed electrical socket just to be sure, and slammed the doors shut. I turned around to find a sink full of tiny insects...

I thoroughly sprayed them with Raid and cleaned the sinks out. I dusted, wiped down, and cleared off the counter tops. After a good hour of scrubbing (which somehow caused my right thumb to become inflamed) and several trips to the trash bin outside I had a clean kitchen.

Operation Kitchen Winback: Successfully Completed!

eek

A garbage disposal is a machine installed under your kitchen sink. If you shove food or stuff that won't fit down your drain, you turn that dandy thing on to turn whatever is in it into pulp. Then it flows easily down the drain. Don't put forks in it: they come back flying at you as revenge. Forks to the arm sucks.

Kabuki, you are truly amazing! I think I would have given up and sold the house! lol