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 Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:00 pm
Just a poem I wrote, please critique, maybe if it's interesting enough to people I'll put up more. Um, feel free to ask questions, thank you.
Destiny's March
Shadows against the moon remind me
Of who I am
Of why I'm running
Towards the glimpse of light I see
Flying past
Different choices
All in who I choose to be
Find a place to stand up high
Aim is true
eclipse is lunar
Faltering past with bonds that tie
With every flight
Hopeful winds
To find my fate within those eyes
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Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:06 pm
:O That is........GREAT! ^^ Its REALLY good!
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Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 3:25 pm
I agree with dagz, it's really great, it flows nicely, and sometimes when people write they do it to rhyme and sometimes it doesn't make sense, but yours doesn't have that problem, the words actually create images in your head =] awesome
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:50 am
wonderful imagery (not placed, but *suggested*), and good rhythm! Line breaks are easily read, pauses and each next line come in easily. =)
The only line that's kind of sticky is "eclipse is lunar". Doesn't really...
Each set of "B" lines kind of fits, matching in intonations (up beats, down beats) but that line doesn't really match "Aim is true". If "eclipse" were a one-syllable word, or "Lunar" were, it might work a bit better.
Otherwise, a very emotive piece! well done!
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:35 am
wonderful! you paint with words
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Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:56 pm
i really like it, & will try posting some of mine as well so u can see.
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Posted: Sun Mar 08, 2009 1:17 pm
Thank you for all the comments! I really appreciate them. wink So I decided to put up another one and see what anyone thinks. This one is a little different, and just as a side note I know the 2nd to last line feels a little stressed but I don't like editing my poems unless it's shortly after writing them. If you have any questions feel free to ask, thank you.
Winter's Solace
Step into the light see the white
Let it blind you when nothing's quite right
Try to flee but I still see
You think it's us it's I not we
Can't stop the flow where will you go
I see it like blood against the snow
Now you've found though gagged and bound
I fight you off and stand my ground
Words of resolve ring though hell you bring
I take up my role and spread my wings
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:54 pm
I really enjoyed reading your poems. I could critique but you mentioned that you don't like editing, thus there is no point in getting overly specific. Following this train of thought, the only suggestion I can make is this; feel free to take more artistic liberty with the organization, pluralization, and description of various phrases. For example the line,
"I take up my role and spread my wings"
Could be changed very slightly to better match the AA, BB pattern you have going on throughout the rest of the poem. Rather than repeat "my" we can replace the word with a mono-syllabic adjective and remove the "s" from "wings." Now we might have this:
"I take up my role and spread white wing."
"Spread" incurs an image of symmetry, thus it is not necessary to pluralize "wing." Not only do you now meet your AA, BB pattern smoothly, you have a chance to further the imagery by describing the wings. I used "white" because color is a very powerful tool in literature, not to mention that I’m a sucker for alliteration.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is don't be afraid to mess with the English language. I hope you find this useful and I can't wait to read more of your poems. :3
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Pocket Full O Poku Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 10:13 am
You really are quiet fantastic hellhound.
The poems you have posted so far are both amazing and I can't wait to read more. <3
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 10:30 am
Okay so I wrote this one just yesterday morning, I've butchered it a lot sense then so I hope I made it better not worse. Most of what I post will be older stuff but here's a brand new one. Tell me what you think. Also, thank you for all the wonderful comments! Brightens my day. smile
GUILTY
I think I've been slipping up
Feel the red on the wall
I'm afraid I've been slipping down
Feel nothing at all
Yes I was up so high
I heard everyone sing
I could hear it all
But it was all, just a dream
I think I've been burning up
Watched the growing inside
I fear I'm spiraling down
Choked by these vines
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 12:38 pm
Yayz, you're really good. All my poems are in my journal and I'm just too lazy to post them. Can't wait to read more.
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 4:21 pm
Okay I wrote this pretty fast, I'm posting it now before I decide I don't like it and butcher it, because I usually just make it worse. No matter what's happening I hope everyone can feel happy to be alive! It's really easy to do, and it's apparent during the hardest times in life.
Alive!
Why should I give in
To this darkening ring around my neck
I never want to lose this sight
These bonds I want to keep
I want to keep going
The sun is out but it's snowing
Come and run with me
Fate's wind is blowing
Can you hear me now
I swore I'd always move
Even if I don't know how
Your eyes are a ruse
Don't ask why
Just jump with me
Into the sky
Running with this effortless stride
Never let each other forget we're alive
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:39 pm
I just have a grammatical comment about the last line ==> were to - we're or we are
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:12 pm
Crap, well that was embarrassing. Thanks for pointing that out. That kind of stuff bugs me, especially when I wrote it.
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Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 10:13 pm
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Reply
