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MagisterXero
Captain

PostPosted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 5:50 pm


As some of you may already be aware, I am in the midst of writing a story. There are currently 5 chapters done, with the latest not yet posted on gaia. Should be posted tomorrow.

I would greatly love to hear from the comments, ideas, questions, etc anything you can think of about the story.

Possible topics may include:

Is the storyline rich and interesting?

Is the storyline's pace of speed too slow, too fast or just right?

Does the story need more action, more drama, or more romance?

Is there parts in the story that need to be re-phrased or re-written?




Here are the current chapters thus far:

Chapter 1: Heart Throbbing Pain
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=101098115

Chapter 2: Tracing the Past
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=101098125

Chapter 3: Festival of Eternal Moonlight
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=101100041

Chapter 4: Into the Light
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=101102355

Chapter 5: Truth, Doubt, and Regret
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/fiction/vote/?entry_id=101110647

Chapter 6:

** Chapter 6 is a joint project between my friend and I, so I hope to get the chapter completed as soon as time allows so check back for updates!! **
PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:32 am


"about be able "

I think it is "being able..."

"The two of them leave the house and began running along"

Try "left" because the tenses are persent and past.

And I would have liked some more action in the scene with Deckard and kaneas

Thats all...I like it so harry up with that next chapter.

vampaela


MagisterXero
Captain

PostPosted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 1:55 pm


Ah, thanks for the catch on those.

It was indeed supposed to be "about being able to dance" in the first paragraph, but the second paragraph was supposed to say, "The two of them leave the house and begin running"

Chapter 6 is a joint effort between me and a friend, so its release will be delayed by some time razz
Sowwies!

I'm also considering adding on to the fight between Kaneas and Deckard, since it was extremely short
PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 7:34 am


You're good ^^ I can't write like that...

Art3mis LaLuna


MagisterXero
Captain

PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 10:14 am


I always like to believe that good writing and artwork comes from the heart. Sometimes, if you find a person you truly care for, you can use them as inspiration for your work.

If you can manage to find someone or something to inspire you, the rest will come naturally. Just write what comes to mind, and stick to the story that you've already written, try not to contradict yourself because that is when things get messy.
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:08 am


This is the Revised fight scene in chapter 5 between Deckard and Kaneas! Enjoy!!


He crawls out of bed, gets dressed, and eats before heading outside. "All right, I'm ready." Kaneas stops leaning against a nearby tree and walks over to a large open clearing, as does Deckard. "The terms still stand the same. If you can best me in a duel, you're free to search for your friend." The two of them stand still for a moment, each muttering words to chant a spell. At almost the same times, currents of wind surround both of them, their clothing slightly fluttering up around them in the air. Suddenly, the two of them disappear and then a few sonic booms are heard in the area. At the location of each sonic boom, there is a small cracked crater in the ground, and whatever trees were nearby. Almost as soon they were gone, they appear again, each standing in the others original spot. "You've gotten better..." Kaneas slowly turns his head to look at Deckard, as his cloak becomes completely tattered.

The two of them face each other once more and rush towards the other, this time using their own speed instead of enhancing it with magic. Kaneas’ tattered cloak suddenly floats off in many pieces as he begins running, leaving him with only his normal clothing now. “I really liked that cloak!” he shouts as the two of them throw punches towards the other, their two fists crashing together and creating a small sonic boom that pushes both of them back about seven feet. It was then that it became clear that while Kaneas was running his mouth, Deckard was chanting a spell in preparation for his next attack. Kaneas’ eyes suddenly open widely as he realizes what his opponent was doing. “Damn… I didn’t think he could chant in the middle of a physical attack!” Deckard brings both arms out in front of him and cups his hands towards each other but still about 4 inches away. There is suddenly a bright, blue sparkle of lights as a ball of lightning is created between his hands. The lightning ball flashes for a brief moment again and quickly disappears. Kaneas laughs loudly, “Looks like you still need some more training! Now it’s my turn!” Kaneas beings quickly chanting faster than Deckard had, and in almost two-thirds the time it took for Deckard he creates the same ball of lightning in his palm. Instead of disappearing, the ball of lightning stays, or rather it is thrown by Kaneas into Deckard’s general direction.

The ball of lightning crackles on its path towards Deckard and suddenly explodes as Kaneas makes a fist with the hand that threw it. The area surrounding Deckard becomes a field of lightning, making it very difficult to see just what was going on. The lightning strikes come to an end almost as quickly as they appeared, but Deckard was untouched and yet he was still standing in the same spot. Kaneas’ eyes open widely again, suddenly realizing what Deckard had done to protect himself. In the few seconds before the lightning exploded around him, Deckard had created a ‘barrier’. It was something that Kaneas could never hope to achieve, since barrier magic was restricted to sorcerers who use Light magic. Looking closer, it was clear that Deckard was still chanting, in fact it was clear to tell that he never stopped chanting. “Kaneas! I hope you’re ready for this, because I’m not holding back!” Deckard shouts at his teacher. Several strong, sudden gusts of wind quickly surround the area Kaneas was standing at. In just a mere second, a large twister appears as the gusts increase in number and become faster and stronger. “You were wrong about something.” Deckard shouts loudly. “My lightning ball didn’t disappear like you thought it did, I made it disappear on purpose. I was delaying the spell.” He shouts again as he holds his left and right hands out diagonally towards the ground away from his body. In his right palm, the ball of lightning suddenly forms, and in his left forms a ball of pure white light. He throws the ball of lightning directly into the twister, forces it to explode and then throws the ball of light straight up into the air above Kaneas and the twister.

The lightning fuses with the twister for a moment, creating a twister of swirling lightning that nothing inside could escape from. Kaneas’ cries of pain echo throughout the entire area, but it almost seemed like he was laughing at the same time. Kaneas, after all, was an Air sorcerer too so something like that didn’t hurt him as much as a normal person. His body had already gotten used to it and the cries of pain are completely switched out with menacing laughter. Deckard, still holding his left hand up to the sky where the ball was thrown suddenly clenches his fist and throws his hand down towards the ground. The ball of light explodes, but instead of becoming shrapnel like the ball of lightning did, it becomes a barrage of light arrows that rain down upon Kaneas. The barrage goes on for a little less than 15 seconds, ending shortly after the twister did. The force of the arrows hitting the ground pushes the dust up into the air and makes it impossible to see the result of the attack. A few of the light arrows were still stuck in the ground, but most of them had already shattered and disappeared. As the dust finally clears, Kaneas is in the center of it all, his clothing tattered and his body tired. Still sitting with his legs underneath him on the ground, he suddenly gives a faint grin towards Deckard and collapses onto the ground. “A…delayed spell…huh? Never thought…about doing something…like that…”

Deckard, still standing firmly, suddenly collapses down onto a knee to catch his breath from when he was hit by Kaneas’ earlier attack. All along his clothing, there were several small cuts and even smaller cuts on his skin where his clothing was cut. Kaneas, being hit by almost the same attack, had suffered from the same type of cuts, but he was also hit by Deckard's other and more powerful attack. "With this level of power, I should be able to search safely..." he speaks slowly and pants heavily. Normally, just using that speed technique once or twice wasn't something that would make him this tired, but within just a mere minute worth of time the two of them had completed a battle that would have normally taken over twenty minutes. Deckard had also exerted a lot of magical energy by using his delayed spell technique, casting the barrier, and from channeling his energy for so long. Even the most advanced Martial Sorcerers would have become tired from all the casting and fighting that had gone on only moments before.

Deckard slowly regains his breath and goes over to help Kaneas, healing him up a bit with his last delayed spell he had saved up. "I'm heading out to search for her as soon as I get my cuts treated." Kaneas coughs for a moment. "What about my cuts?" he frowns. "Do I not get any aid from my student, whom I care so much about?" Deckard laughs at the words that come from his teacher's mouth. "You don't care as much as you'd like me to think." he says as he drops Kaneas onto the couch inside the house. Almost as soon as he does, he walks into his bedroom to begin treating the minor cuts all over his body. "Hmph... I wonder if this is all right, letting him go like this." Kaneas closes his eyes and begins to think deeply about everything that had gone on the past two years.

MagisterXero
Captain


vampaela

PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:29 am


3nodding
much better. i liked this scene more than the previous one. It lets the readers understand how strong Deckard has become over the past 2 years
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 9:13 am


Do you think there are anymore scenes in Chapters 1-5 that need more detail, or more scenes inserted into them?

MagisterXero
Captain


rolejunkie42
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 5:53 pm


well i finally got around to reading this and i must say that it was great. There were a few scene transitions that i got confused at but overall it was great.
PostPosted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 10:56 am


Which transitions would these be at? I've heard a couple other people say something about it too.

MagisterXero
Captain


rolejunkie42
Vice Captain

PostPosted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:48 pm


the transition from 3 to 4 was hard to follow. And it was tough to tell that there had been a time warp between chapters 4 and 5.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:34 am


Hm... I can see where the time warps would be hard to follow completely, since there isn't much detail on what was going on. Chapters 2 & 3 are done while Deckard is having a flashback, because he thought he was going to die. But I'll work on making the transitions easier to follow.

MagisterXero
Captain


MagisterXero
Captain

PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 5:44 am


Here's an update on Chapter 6 and its release:


Unfortunately, the person that I had asked to assist me in writing Chapter 6 is having a very high load of problems in the real world. I am currently helping her through those problems to my best ability, but rest assured that everything will be fine.

In the mean time, Chapter 6 is within a few days or so to actual completion. I've been thinking on how to end the last part of Chapter 6 and still allow the story to have enough room to continue. I hope to get it out and up on the website by at most Friday.
PostPosted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:29 am


cant wait to read chapter 6 ^^ ill have to re-read all of them though to refresh whats been going on

Darcnesfalls
Crew

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Sanctum of Inner Thoughts - Writer's Section

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