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 Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 9:23 am
"And where do you think you've been?" Horowai snapped as the little pale-faced cub slunk into the den. "Haven't I told you not to keep wandering off like that?" Despite the fact that she wasn't too keen on the Shikar-i she still cared for her safety....
That and the fact she was concerned their father might be sneaking around and come to nab her and steal her away before Horowai noticed. Yes, she might not like the cub that much but the thought of that male getting what he wanted angered her even more.
"If you keep disobeying me I'll give you a good hard cuff. Get here." She scooped up the cub and shoved her roughly against the side of the den. "Stay there."
Then, she turned to wash her favourite child. Her darling little Rawal.
--
Aysu hissed, but said nothing, the bitter look on her face only enhancing the ugly markings on her pelt. Didn't her mother realise that she left simply because she couldn't stand being here amongst people who should have been family but were more strangers...
...more enemied than anything else.
Her piercing, jealous gaze went straight to her bright-pelted sister.
--
Shasa rolled her eyes as her mother yelled at her pale sister. This happened much too often for her liking, everytime Aysu ran off Horowai would scold her and smack her on the head. Didn't she understand that it was just better to behave the way her mother wanted her to? She would be less likely to be hit. As her mother washed her she could feel the heavy gaze of Aysu. She didn't like the way she was looked at; with so much jealousy and hatred. It wasn't her fault she had come out so brightly colored, that she happened to be the favorite.
It wasn't like she chose to be after all.
Her green eyes flickered over to meet the accusing gaze. Without a word she shook her head as though she was disappointed. She didn't want the other to feel hated or unloved but it wasn't really up to her. Most of her time was spent with her mother and she had little time for her siblings. No she was always too busy learning the traditions of the pride in hopes that she could be a great asset. After all she had a 'purer' soul than her siblings because of her possible high ranking.
"Mother...may I go and play with Aysu?"
--
Horowai paused in her grooming to look down at her favourite daughter. She was doing her best to teach her all she knew, to help raise her to be a perfect member. In fact she did teach the future Gashts of the pride too, the other little girls who weren't quite bright enough to make Shasa's rank. However, the boy and Aysu were all but left to amuse themselves. They'd have no real responsibilities in the pride anyhow and as soon as they were weaned, she'd never really see the boy much.
"Play with Aysu?" She blinked, not quite sure whether she had heard right. "Well...if you really want to, dearest."
She lifted her gaze to look at her grey daughter.
--
Aysu's ears were pinned back against her head and there was an ugly grimace on her pale face. She knew her sister was up to something and knew that she'd get her way. She always got her way.
The fur on her neck bristled, but really she wasn't very threatening, and wouldn't be until she'd done a lot more growing. She'd be a big cat when fully grown, but until that day she was going to be considered useless, clumsy and ugly.
And she knew it was the truth, which didn't make matters anyworse.
"I thought I had to stay here..." She mumbled under her breath.
--
"Yes mother." Shasa replied smiling brightly at her mother knowing that she would get what she wanted. When she received the answer she knew she would get she nodded. "Thank you." She'd be the perfect child around her mother, she'd be everything that was expected of her. When she was by herself, well that would be a completely different story. Slipping free of her mother's paws she stepped toward her practically colorless sister. "Don't you want to play Aysu?" She asked pretending to be hurt by the reaction she saw when the other heard her words.
"Do you want to stay here instead of playing because I can always find someone else..." She paused pouting just a little bit. She was going to put on a show. It appeared that she inherited her father's manipulative genes. "But I really want to play with you sister." Ah she was good at what she did. She knew that even if Aysu didn't want to 'play' she would if only to stop her mother from either punishing her or looking at her with more disappointment than she already harbored towards her.
--
Horowai frowned and raised a threatening paw. "Go and play with yoru sister, Aysu. You're always looking for an excuse to get out of the den and now one is presented to you, you refuse it." She was getting angry now, angry and frustrated at her rebellious, troublesome daughter.
"You better get yourself out of here before I throw you out." And she slammed her paw down on the ground, sending her grey daughter a gaze that said she would not be messed with.
"If she's any trouble, Shasa dear, you tell Mother, okay?"
--
Aysu gave her sister and her mother an angry glass and, withotu a word, dashed as fast as she could from the den, streaming out across the vegetation of the jungle floor. Only when she was out of hearing range of the den did she stop and turn on her heels, watching out for her sister.
"You really want to play with me, huh?"
--
Bingo. Both her mother and her sister gave her the exact reactions she had been expecting. They were too easy for her to read, even if her mother couldn't seem to read her sister's thoughts or expressions. "Of course mother." She replied sweetly with a nod. Then she turned her head and watched her sister dart off, out of the den as though she didn't want anything more than to get as far away from them as possible. It wasn't surprising, she probably really did want to run away from people who appeared to have no actual interest in her. Glancing at her mother she let out a soft sigh before trotting out of the den following the path she believed her sister had taken.
When she found her she shook her head. "Aysu, I know you don't like the way mother treats you but," She paused trying to figure out the best way to phrase everything. "Perhaps it'll be better for you if you just do what she says without being so...rebellious." Another pause. "Now before you say anything, I'm trying to help you really." She had a feeling that the other wouldn't believe a word that she sad and she couldn't blame her. No, why believe mommy's perfect little daughter?
"And I do want to play with you, I feel terrible." She offered a small smile. "I've neglected you and I apologize?" Was she really sorry or was she simply lying?
--
Horowai watched her children go, feeling sad and distressed that she felt so unnattached from her oldest, grey daughter. She even found more love for Ryba in her heart than for her daughter. Because of her pelt. It reminded her so much of her father that she could barely even bring herself to look at her. Everytime she did so she'd think of him and those memories would return...
Her heart warmed at the words of her darling, most previous daughter. "Good girl." And, after a moment she settled down to rest.
But she couldn't sleep. Her thoughts were now on that male. The cubs' father. The one who she did not even know the name of. He was out there somewhere and one day he'd return...
--
Aysu growled. "Be more like you, you mean? Perfect little daughter willing to do everything that Mummy tells her?" She stuck her little claws into the earth. "No. I'll do what I want. It'll make no difference. If you were rebellious, if you didn't do what she said, she'd not give you a good hit across the head. She adores you. She loves you. She'd just turn a blind eye and pretend you were perfect."
Her fur bristled. "It's all about colour, Shasa, nothing else."
Her eyes narrowed then, those bitter blue eyes that were cold and loveless. "Save it. I don't want you apology. You don't mean a word of it."
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:33 am
"Now, now Aysu. You don't need to be so vicious with your words." Shasa replied with a frown. She knew her sister wouldn't take kindly to her words, however she didn't expect her to reply so angrily. It seemed that while she had picked up mannerisms from her father, whom she knew nothing of, she wasn't very skilled. At her comments about their mother she narrowed her eyes. While every statement was probably true she didn't need to voice it.
"You're right, she probably would turn a blind eye to my actions, but I do try to please her."
She stated with a shake of her head as she sighed. "I think it runs much deeper than color sister, at least when it comes to you." She stated observing her sister with calm. She wouldn't let the other get the better of her. No. She would remain in control of the situation, she had to. "Does it bother you that she might even favor Ryba more than you?" If she were in her sister's shoes probably, but she wasn't. Yet it still bothered her. What was it about her sister's appearance that upset her mother so. Did it all tie to their unknown father?
She couldn't help but smile as her sister spoke of her apology. The grin that crossed her lips was more a smirk than anything else. "Now, now. Why would you ever think that?"
--
Aysu curled a lip but said nothing more, her eyes flickering between her sister's own as she spoke. Yes. Perfect in every way. She was bright, beautiful and elegant. Aysu could see it now. Shasa becoming a proper lady, well-spoken, admired and respected. Then they'd look to Aysu and wonder what had gone wrong. Most people probably wouldn't even guess they were related.
"Deeper than colour? Pah, I doubt it. What else could there be? She disliked me even before I started defying her."
At the rest of her words Aysu bristled. Like Ryba more? Well, she'd always known that it was probably the case but she tended to block the thought out, pretend that she wasn't the lowest in the order of love. But she was and Shasa's words made it all the more real.
"He looks like her, that's why." She snapped. Her eyes flashed with annoyance. "Because, you're the pretty one, that's why. Pretty girls aren't supposed to apologies to the likes of me." And she started walking again, battling against tears.
--
"There's a side of me that I can never let mother see."
Shasa stated knowing that Aysu probably didn't give a damn about but she wanted to say it. To show that she was so much more human than she acted at times. The side her mother could never see was the side she was showing around her lower rank sister. If only because in a way it was very much the way Aysu acted. "If you act brash and unwanted that is how people will see you. Sometimes acting a certain way is the only way to retain love and respect." At least that was how she had started to see it. She knew from what the older ladies would say when it appeared that she wasn't listening that they didn't actually approve of her mother. Well at least not in the highest regards if only because of how she had once acted. Always wanting to be the center of attention.
"Even if he looks like her, wouldn't she still love you more because of the fact you are female? Aren't females of purer souls than males?" She questioned remembering all that her mother had been teaching them. "I think it's because you look like the father we've never seen, never hear of."
--
She paused and glanced back over her shoulder. That odd, pale face, held eyes that often gleamed bitter and cold and calculating. There wasn't much love in this child, but there was a desperate desire to be loved. The bitterness had only grown when she realised this was not going to be a possibility living here in this pride.
"What side is that then? The irritating side?" She flicked her eyes off to the trees. "Acting? Acting? I can't act in a way I don't feel. I'm unloved so that is what I am. I can't change that now. How can I act better than what I really am? You can see it for yourself just as I can. I'm a waste of space here."
She let her gaze fall thoughfully back onto her sister. She'd never spent much time thinking about her father. No one ever spoke of him and sometimes it was like he didn't exist. Well not for her, anyway. She didn't know anything about him.
"Father?" She turned to face her fully now. "You think maybe Mother hated him?"
--
"It's the side you see now, but in harsher tones." She stated coldly her green eyes observing the other as she tried to see through the bitterness. To find what the other was thinking. It had never been hard before. She shook her head at her sisters words before laughing dryly. "If you keep throwing yourself a pity party you'll never get anywhere! You'll just keep living in bitterness and sorrow and never find what you're looking for!" She suddenly shouted before clamping her mouth shut. Damnit she wasn't supposed to break! "You're only a waste of space if you let yourself be!" She stated with more calm than her previous sentence. Inhaling deeply she closed her eyes.
"Aysu. What do you plan to do if you feel like a waste of space?"
Then the conversation slid back to their father. "I do. I look like mother's sister, our sisters resemble her or her family. Even Ryba but you don't. If people didn't know, they would think we weren't related." She paused. "She only looks at you with hate and not because of color, or ranking. But because of who you probably remind her of." How close was she to the actual truth?
--
"What I'm looking for? How do you know what I'm looking for? I don't even know myself. First I just wanted Mother to love me. I've given up on that now. It's never going to happen, even if I did everything she told me without fuss and to the best of my ability."
She clamped her own jaw shut and the next words were low and angry. "Maybe I'll leave. No one would even notice, anyway. Maybe I'll go and find this mysterious father of ours and find out what happened."
Her tail thrashed. "Then I can see for myself whether I really do look like him. He's not part of the pride, clearly, so maybe there was something between them? Maybe I should go find him, bring him back to torment mother." Yes, maybe she'd just found her purpose. A dark smile crossed her face. "If Mother wants to make my life miserable, maybe I should pay her in kind."
--
Shasa fell silent. She had a feeling of what her sister was looking for but if she wasn't sure of what she wanted then she wouldn't say anything. Even though it was clear. It was love. "You make it harder than it has to be." She stated softly. It wasn't any use trying to argue with her, trying to make her see that she would only hurt herself in the end. She would have to figure it out on her own. "I'll know. We might not be close and you might hate me but I do actually care about you Aysu. If I didn't would I stand here arguing with you." She paused as she swallowed. "Would I be here now trying to make things better?"
She had only made things worse and she knew it. It wasn't what she wanted but it was too late to change anything now.
"I wouldn't advise it." She didn't care if she found their father and brought him back but she didn't think it was a good idea. He could easily kill the girl or worse, leave her to fend for herself with no chance of survival. "He probably got what he wanted and doesn't even care. Besides if he returned to the pride and was found, he'd be killed before you could bring him to mother. Or worse he could kill you. Do you have a death wish sister?"
--
Shasa cared about her? Aysu's expression softened and she let her posture relax a little. She felt a little bad now, but not enough to apologise or take back what she had said. They were sisters and perhaps there was a bond between them, but Aysu's heart was cold and love came difficult to her - even now as a little cub.
But though she didn't say it, she was touched by her sister's words. It made the sky brighten a little to think that even if she didn't have her mother's love, she had a sister who cared for her. The only problem was the fact that Aysu envied Shasa, envied her more than she'd ever admit. And that envy would probably get in the way of any friendship they might try and build.
"How do you know that? For all we know, Father could be the innocent one in all of this. I know Mother and I know what people say about her. Maybe she baited him into it. We won't know unless we find him. I don't think he'd kill me. How could anyone kill their own daughter? Besides, he's a rogue. They don't have the same weakness as the males here."
--
Shasa felt herself relax as her sister's expression did. She was calming down, no longer riled up by the anger that had built up inside of her. If this were how things were going to go everytime she argued with someone she needed better control over her emotions. It was something she needed to improve on. She was glad that her sister understood that she did care but knew that things would never be 'perfect' between them. There was too much that had gone on to drive a stake into the heart of any relationship they might have had.
"I don't know that." She simply replied without a second thought about it. "I know what they say too but I also know Mother," she paused. "Exactly, they aren't the males here, they have a strength we haven't seen. They don't respect females the way they do here. Maybe he baited her instead."
--
She hesitated and couldn't deny that her sister might be right. But the seed was planted now and the thought of finding her father - a lion that might look like her - was a very tempting idea. If she found him and he turned out to be a nice lion with the same pelt and markings she wouldn't have to feel so alone.
Maybe she could find the love in him that mother refused to give.
"Fine, I won't look for him." Yet, she added silently to herself. But she knew now that she couldn't go through her life without meeting him. She'd wait until she was bigger, wait until she had half a chance at protecting herself. But she would find him, whether her family agreed or not.
"But he might come back and if he does, I'm going to go and talk to him."
--
A soft smile spread across lips as Aysu accepted her suggestion. She wouldn't go searching now. However she could tell that she would still look later just not now. "I know what you're thinking and I won't stop you but don't leave without telling me." She stated because she didn't want to play some part in her siblings life and a part of her wanted to meet the father she knew nothing of. If she met him then maybe, just maybe she would learn a little about herself. About the side she couldn't really show.
Her dark side.
"I won't stop you if he comes here. But if you get hurt when you meet him. If he can't give you the love you crave, then you can't say that I didn't warn you."
--
"Fine." Aysu replied with little patience. "I'll tell you." She would, despite the fact that she didn't really want to. And why? Maybe because she wanted someone to know what she was doing with her life. Mother wouldn't care and wouldn't she be surprised.
Aysu wasn't clever enough to hide her dark thoughts. They glittered like ice in those angry eyes and anyone looking at her could tell she was up to no good. She couldn't act like everything was fine when her heart was in such turmoil. She was unwanted and pitiful and everyone would know it, especially as she grew.
But, somewhere in her heart, she had hope that her father could save her from all of that. That maybe he could help take away all of this horrible darkness.
"I'm going to go now." She replied. "But don't worry. I won't get into any trouble...on purpose." And, not bothering to check whether she was being followed or not, the little cub took off into the undergrowth.
--
"Good." Shasa always got what she wanted to matter who it was from. Always. She had a way of manipulating people in to thinking things her way or simply giving her what she wanted. And for now that was enough. No doubt as she grew she would have mastered it. There would be nothing that she didn't get.
A part of her wanted her father to be the person that could give Aysu everything she wanted but a part of her also knew that it probably wouldn't happen. And if it did, well it could only be false love.
"Alright. I'll leave as well. Don't be too irrational."
With that she turned and headed back to the den.
/fin
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