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So. There's this guy.
But then again, that's not such a shocking thing for most girls, is it?


I met him in the beginning of the summer at some academic camp my mom made me go to. I mostly stuck with my best friend that was there that I already knew, but I would talk to this guy, too, and we became kinda-sorta friends. At this point, I was going through a tough time because I was going to an Early College school when school started again, and none of my other friends were going there. Now, I don't get close to people. Not often. More on why later. But anyways, that means that my friends are really important to me.

So near the end of the camp(3 weeks long), I learned that Thomas(the guy) was going to the same school as me. I got a little happier when I learned that, since I'd at least know someone. I wasn't really close to him(he mostly avoided other people, and I could respect that since I'm like that, too. But when he talked to you, he was really sweet and funny and silly, so I considered him a friend.), but hey, it was something. So when school started, I immediately drifted over to where he and his friends from his old school were. Apparently I'm the only one in the whole school who didn't have someone from their old school go there. Anyways, Thomas and Morgan(she's one of his friends from his old school) have become my two closest friends at that school. I have a few other nice friends, but in all honesty, I don't feel close to them. As I said earlier, I'm not good with other people, or at making friends in general.

This seems like a good time to explain the not-getting-close-to-people thing. I had a few... childhood traumas and such. Anyways, that leads to trust issues and stuff, AKA I can't open up to people. My father also is a sociopath. He left when I was really little, and has been in and out of our lives for the duration of that time. This, school stress, and many, many other factors have led to me having low self-esteem, and consequently, clinical depression. I've gone to a psychiatrist a few times, and haven't found it very helpful, but I'm hoping.
This isn't a very good situation for me, since I already was shy and bad with people. Now I'm mostly anti-social, and even if I want to open up to my friends and talk to them and cry with them if I'm feeling bad, I can't. I've told two of my friends total, and only extremely recently, and haven't actually talked with them about it. No time, what with us being in different schools. It felt nice to tell them, which I told one friend last night(he and another friend were over at my house), but I haven't really acted on it.

Anyways, depression and low self-esteem go hand in hand. And that doesn't really go well with falling for someone, does it? There are way too many things I hate about myself. Yeah, I'm aware that I have good things, but that doesn't change that I hate myself. And although it's irrational, it leads me to feel like nobody else could even remotely like me thanks to these faults. I don't see how it could be possible. I'm weird. I'm not pretty. I'm closer to the chubby side, but not overweight by all means; I'm tall enough to balance it out. I have a lot of character flaws. I'm hard on myself. I'm afraid to open up to people. I'm afraid to love, even my family. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll wind up getting hurt, which I know is inevitable all of my life, but still.

I've actually been fighting liking Thomas. Last time I 'liked' someone, it didn't turn out well. It's been a long time, and looking back, that's part of the reasons that I'm anti-social and can't trust people with my emotions. But then again, looking back, I didn't really 'like' that person as much as I thought at the time. He was a good friend, yeah, but I may have just jumped on that chance to like someone. It's different with Thomas. I've been fighting this so much. At first he was just a friend, and he was sweet. I was happy to have someone I knew at school. One day in the beginning of the school year, Morgan even asked me "Do you like Thomas?" I could honestly answer "No," at that point. Then, a month or two later, I noticed myself getting flustered a bit around him. I dismissed it. After all, I didn't want to fall for anyone; it'd only turn out badly. It got worse. I started debating with myself on whether I liked him or not. "No. I can't like Thomas. He's my friend. There's absolutely no way he'd like someone like me, either way. Stop thinking like that."

It kept getting worse.
I can't deny it even to myself anymore, and that scares me. It scares me more than you could imagine. But now I'm not going to deny it to myself anymore. I can't. I mean, it has to be bad when you can't lie to yourself anymore.
It sounds cheesy and cliche even to myself, but I wind up thinking about him a lot more than necessary, and when the new semester started and only two of my classes were with him, I actually freaked out(nobody knows about this but me and whoever reads this, but still.) and had a panic attack. He was someone I could talk with.

Now we learned at seminar last week that we're having a Valentine's Day dance(on Friday the 13th. Ironic much?). I want to ask him to go with me, but I know he wouldn't. And I also know that nobody's gonna ask me. I'm basically the outcast at that school. I don't belong to any group. I'm okay-friends with people from a few groups, but I have no group. I'm 'that weird girl with the odd hair and crazy clothes.' (Visual Kei-esque stuff. Think An-Cafe-meets-LM.C-meets-someone-walking-though-Harajuku.)

Help me. Please.
Be it for my self-esteem or boy problems or whatever, any help would be appreciated. This is driving me crazier than I already am going, and if I don't resolve this soon, I'm afraid it's going to make my depression that much worse. I've noticed that I don't handle any sort of stress well.

I know that I need to tell him at some point. I know that it's probably not going to be for a while, though. I can't really confront people on anything. It's another fault of mine. x__x

If I had the slightest feeling that he liked me back, it'd probably be much easier, but as I said before, although it's irrational, I have absolutely no idea how anyone could possibly like me.

I want to be able to tell him, but all the crap parts of my personality are working together to stop me on this one.
And then, if I were to get rejected, it wouldn't make me stop feeling like this; last time I 'liked' someone, it took me years to get over them.

*facedesk* x____x

Yeah, I know.
I've been trying really hard to fix that. I'm one of the people who absolutely hates therapy/psychiatrists/all that stuff, but I've been going to someone once every week or two to see if they can help me. Low self-esteem and depression go hand in hand, and I know if I can fix one of the two, the other should start getting better.

It's not exactly that I hate everything about myself or that I think there's nothing good about me, but more like to me, it seems like my worst character flaws should be glaringly obvious to everyone else, and then I wonder if they notice, think they do, etc etc etc. I know there are some good things about me. I can draw. I'm pretty smart. I can do decent creative writing. I don't care what people think of how I dress(if they say it to my face, they're likely to get a not-so-nice response though.), I like it. Little things like that. On the other hand, I feel bad about my appearance, weight, personality, emotions, having depression, not being able to trust people, and other things like that. I had a really complicated childhood, and it's coming back to bite me in the a**.

But yeah, I'm going to try to work on liking myself more, although I don't expect anything to happen soon. Right now I'm most worried about finishing my Psychology homework(oh, the irony in that...) and wondering how to act around Thomas tomorrow. Lately I've been getting flustered a lot around him, and I reeeally hope he hasn't noticed, or at least isn't taking it in a bad way...

Thank you very much. m(_ _)m


Shimo's gotten a lot of talk-time with Thomas the past few days. :'D <3
That makes Shimo happy. <33
It's mostly because we both missed a lot of school the other week(he was really sick, I had a really bad emotional breakdown and couldn't go), and have both been taking makeup tests. x'D;;
But it's nice. =w= We seem to be talking a lot more this semester. That's good I guess.
Still need to work on my self esteem and such, but it's a start. @-@;;