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 Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:11 pm
Quote: Tai's state of mind following Esperanza's news. Pretty emo, you are warned. Pretty long work in progress. Again, you are warned.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:14 pm
The words, the understanding, they had spilled so easily from his lips.
He could see her point of view, could completely sympathize with her reasons for leaving. He had always known he was lucky to have her, and now was the time for him to lose her. Whether it be to the wild freedom of the plains or to the embrace of a wilder soul then he... he could understand.. and he would love her still. Epseranza's happiness had always been at the forefront of his thoughts, and it meant to lose her would guarantee that continued happiness, he would let her go and suffer his own demons at night when no one but he would witness.
And so he manipulated his facial features so she wouldn't see how easily she was breaking him down.
His jubilant heart had known no reason to feel sadness before this, and his smile had never before held a tarnished gleam, even when times had grown tough, and his beloved human mother had fallen gravely ill. The trials that had plagued others of his herd went by and left him untouched, unburdened by their weight since he had such a strong pillar of strength to rely on in the form of his unshakable love for his mate and for his family.
He could smile, because to him, the world shined, and would continue to shine until the sun itself burned out.
But things were different...
His sun was gone now.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Weeks had passed since that fateful night in the forest, and for a time, Tai thought he had everyone fooled. Flame did not bother him, Blais went about his normal routine and did not appear to take any special interest in his habits, and even Celei went about as usual, requesting for aid only when she needed it, and usually then she would ask Flame or the little usdia mare Dream.
He had been in dreamland though, since now he could see quite clearly how they were reacting to him. Giving him space, letting him reconcile his own feelings, and slowly come back to himself.
They had patience and faith in him, and for some unknown reason, that made it hurt all the more.
THEY needed him to smile, he was sure of it, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it or even try. Like Killian, he felt both betrayed and wrongfully accused all at the same time, yet the focus of those feelings was the last person he would ever lay the blame on. Funny that he could still feel these things, yet harbor no ill will towards their progenitor.
In his heart of hearts, he never thought he would feel all of these things all at once.. torn between hating that which he loved.. and loving what he thought he should hate. Killian himself had put it best when asked...
Love and hate were a similar thing, and trying to reconcile the two was exactly what he got for wishful thinking.
Esperanza was gone, and despite a half made promise of return, he sincerely doubted her words. Never again would he be able to chase her light hearted through the forest like a colt, and never again would he give himself over to her caress. Even if she DID return, he knew he wouldn't be the same...
Funny, he never thought himself as being a creature so reliant on the support of presence of another. It disturbed him greatly now that he could actually think about it, and he half way wondered why no one had ever told him he was so needy.
Then again, maybe they had. He just hadn't listened.
All this time he had thought he was the cheerful type, the one guy amid the sea of warriors and theologians that a wayward colt or filly could snuggle up against. He had thought HE was supportive, kind, and nurturing.
Not so, said his inner cynic now.
All that time he had merely been the weakest, the least imposing when compared to the proud burliness of the Protector or the stern blue gaze of Crousader. He was safe because he was simple, and those too burned by their own lives found nothing in him to further rub their raw hearts, but neither was he a salve. Unlike the unicorns or the human's caring hands, all he had been able to do was share the borrowed strength he had wrongfully gleaned from his 'married life.' Then he had childishly neglected her in times of need, and even went as far as to ostracize himself from his own family when Celei fell ill.
He honestly had no one but himself to blame, and even as he stared at the low flames of the campfire... Celei running her fingers through his mane, he just couldn't put his mind at ease long enough to relax the tense muscles of his neck.
He just hated himself and his inaction to much to let his body rest.
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 7:34 pm
To say that the rest of the Elderwillow soquili were worried would be a understatement of epic proportions. But not even they knew the true depth of the hurt that was boiling within the confines of the mahogany and gold stallion.
Flame was almost at the breaking point, torn between wanting to drag Esperanza back himself and lecture her... and lecturing his former pupil and adopted son. That, and with the recent drama involving his grand daughter Bonfire and HER mate Killian, he just wasn't sure how much more romantic angst his old heart could take! Otaikimmio'tokaan had not been named after the Golden Eagle because he flew like a dove, and it pained Flame daily to see the younger stallion in such dire emotional straits.
... He just didn't know what to say to him.
tbc
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