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 Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 6:25 am
Since Ripuka's death Uuo did not seem to sleep. Yin-li hadn't patrolled with her in three days, mostly because their duties kept them otherwise occupied. She spent all of her own time between staying by Azarax's side whenever it wasn't a interference and performing her own duties as a storyteller-- helping to teach and keep an eye on the cubs as needed. She didn't have to worry much about Uuo, she knew her "aunt" could take care of herself, and so could Azarax, but she could see him closing off about his feelings almost immediately following the tragic turn of events just days ago.
As morning prepared to make itself known, those already used to keeping Firekin hours were beginning to rise one by one. Yin-li herself was just waking up at her usual time, until recently she'd been helping Kadogo'moto look after his cubs, but they were older now and didn't need watching in the early morning hours, and now there were more cubsitters to make rounds and look after the children, it left Yin-li free to stay with Azarax and Udd, watching the rise and fall of the cub's back as he slept, then letting black eyes land on Azarax's towering (even in slumber) form, sure that if he weren't already awake he would be any moment. Quietly, not sure if he still slept, she leaned enough to rest her head lightly against his, feeling a soft sigh leave her muzzle. She only wished there was more that she could do.
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 6:54 am
There was a certain air of uncertainty about him, though perhaps it couldn't quite have been identified as such. He had never been the most outgoing, or the most open of lions - it was simply his nature - and yet, after Ripuka's death, something had changed within him. Much as he refused to lay open his feelings and come to properly accept the fact that she was gone, it did affect him outwardly.
Whether he knew it or not, he had withdrawn from the world somewhat, even more closed off to everyone else as he had been before. Where Yin had once been able to draw out a more carefree, somewhat playful side of him, he no longer quite reacted the same way. He made the effort, that was clear, but whether or not he actually managed to achieve whatever emotions he had been reaching for was another matter.
A more hardened, humorless look had come over his face, more serious than he had been before and giving him the appearance of constant brooding whenever he thought nobody was around, or simply whenever he stopped paying attention.
He didn't want the world's sympathy - he didn't want his own sympathy - that was perfectly obvious, but there were those moments when the cold exterior wavered and there he revealed something of what he was feeling. But it was never anything definite. You could look at his face when he thought nobody was paying attention, and there was no way to truly know what he was thinking, or how he was feeling.
The one exception seemed to be Uddhava. The little golden cub that had been brought into his life by the sudden death of his mother. Even with Udd, he had been distant for a while. For the first few days, there were moments when he had gazed upon the youngster, and a blank far-off look had stole silently across his face, as if the cub was a reminder of something that Azarax simply would not allow to surface. Which, to be honest, Uddhava was.
But that had changed, and now, perhaps because of a certain kinship he felt with the cub - a bond that stretched beyond simply being blood siblings - the tan-pelted lion seemed for find some sort of peace and solace in watching Uddhava tumble about in the sand, or in watching the gentle rise and fall of the cub's breathing as he slept.
But that was it.
The gentle, familiar touch roused him from his half-slumber, and he opened one eye, breathing in her comforting scent. "Yin," He murmured in recognition, though he would have known it was her even in a deep sleep. But it was just one of those things that had changed. Where once he might have broken into a smile, he didn't now, as if something else was there. A wall, behind which hid Azarax's connection with the world.
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:11 am
She'd shut her eyes as she waited for him to wake, but as he called her name then her ears perked and swiveled forward, her eyes opening after to look to him again just before a brief nuzzle. Quietly at first she slipped one paw over to cover one of his, mindful not to disturb the sleeping cub with them.
"Sun's greetings, love..."
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 8:19 am
He shifted hsi head in a slight nod. "Indeed," He said softly, returning Yin's greeting nuzzle. His opened eyes shifting toward the mouth of the den to catch sight of the rising daylight. Though the sun had always brought some measure of joy and goodwill to him, recently the rising of the sun had seemed like little more than the brightening of a dark sky in his evergray world of muted hues and fire reds.
It seemed a chore, waking up each day for whatever duties he needed to fulfill, and yet for all his resentment of the daylight, there seemed to be a force driving him. Something within him, around him, wherever, that drove him and refused to let him give up. He wasn't the type to, in any case, and still, no matter how close he might possibly get to letting go, whatever force this was made sure that he never would.
It was a certain type of resolve, a certain steadfast belief. It was as if, so long as he kept pushing through, one day he would reach the end of the ordeal. And then, the world would change for the better. It had happened before once or twice to him. It could, and it would, happen again.
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Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:07 pm
For a few moments all she could do was watch him rise and move to the entrance of the den, but then something pushed her to move to his side again, and so she rose. Careful again not to wake Udd from his rest she drew closer to Azarax with silent steps, paws well accustomed to moving with grace and accuracy on much less cooperative grounds than the solid rock beneath them now. Once at his side she stopped, ears tentatively alert.
There was another pause as she let a silence hang between them, just briefly, after which she broke the silence with a gentle voice, facing him with a turn of her head and words just above a murmer.
"Azarax, talk to me... please... I know that it can't be helped, but it pains me to see you like this..."
She could see that, like Kidondo, like Uuo, he was trying to hold on, and she was grateful for whatever it was that kept him from giving in to depression completely, but there was too much burden going between the three. Kidondo seemed pained for not having been there in time to say goodbye, Uuo blamed herself, that if Ripuka hadn't had the injuries from their battle on the day of the rebellion she might have been able to defend herself better, and Azarax... Yin-li did not know Ripuka and Azarax's story in full, only that she was his mother and had obviously given her son up to slavery to spare his life, and that he still loved her. The details of what transpired in between, it was only Azarax's place to tell, and so she had not asked anyone else, not pushed him to share unless he was ready or volunteered it, but now she felt to say nothing would be wrong. Whatever it was that was eating at her mate, she couldn't stand to watch it pick away at him like some carrion bird over a prized kill any longer.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:06 am
Not for the first time, he felt a wave of gratitude that Yin was there. If she was not the force pushing him onward, she was at the very least an anchor in his life, without whom Azarax knew he might have strayed long ago. She had such a profound influence on his life without seeming to realize it, and he couldn't help but think that without her here, he might have left the desert the day Uddhava had come, aimlessly hunting for the lions responsible for what had happened to Ripuka.
And he knew. He knew that she was doing her best, knew that she wanted desperately to help him somehow. A part of him wanted to let her, but the other part... It was both reluctant to bring up the memories of what had transpired that day, and reluctant to allow anyone else into the presence of his more vulnerable side. He was supposed to be the strong one.
Even as Yin spoke, he was doing what he did every morning - steeling himself to face another new day. Difficult as it might have been at the start, the emptiness that seemed to pulse constantly within him was already beginning to ease up, ever so slightly, and he had learned to push it away throughout the day. It was not impossible to put on a straight face and make it through the day. One day, that was all he asked of himself each and every morning. And at the end of each day, he knew, he would have the strength to carry on with the next.
For a moment after she spoke, Azarax remained silent, staring wordlessly out into the distance. He wished he could talk to her. He knew that this affected her just as much as it did him. And yet, he couldn't - or perhaps he simply didn't want to - bring himself to. It was too soon.
"Yin," He said finally, turning to peer into her coal black eyes. "I love you."
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:47 am
Standing there, watching him and waiting for an answer, she could see him struggling with the weight of it all, struggling with the decision to let her in or not. She hated to see him agonizing so much, and worse, doing it in total silence. It was to be expected in a pride like this, for it's members to loathe showing any perceived weakness, but still. Seeing him seem to get through the day.... just.......... getting through, that was just it. He was just getting through, not happily, not angrily, just... getting through.
So needless to say, with these validated concerns running through her mind, she didn't see his first love confession coming.
At all.
For a moment her shock was apparent. It wasn't that they had danced around the subject itself, because no, they had been sharing a den, and from almost the first day she returned to the Firekin and saw him at the borders they had had chemistry, but it came from seemingly no where now, that he would be ready to say it. Was he just side tracking? Was there something to read between the lines? Was it one of the things he had wrestled with in the last days, to tell her or not, pushed to do so after losing his mother?
It wasn't that she was angry or didn't believe him, Azarax wasn't that kind of lion, the kind that would just blurt something like that out just to change the subject or distract her. Instead, concerned described her mood best, and conflicted. She should be happy to hear that, and she was, but she also felt guilty because he was going through so much right then, and there she was getting a love confession out of it all. Her eyes slowly betrayed her thoughts, one by one.
So, he couldn't let her in, not like that, not right then... but maybe what he was saying was that being with him was enough for now. Maybe that was really all that she could do.
Yin-li let out a slow breath through her nose, holding his golden eyes with her own in return. "I love you too, Azarax..."
And then she moved, leaning in close, hooking her neck around his somewhat, nuzzling slowly.
"And you know I'll be here for you when or if you feel ready..." She murmured, a bit sadly out of regret she couldn't do more to ease his pain or at least share the burden. It was good that she could help at all. Sometimes life's issues just worked out that way.
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 1:09 am
It was only until after he had said it that he realized that he had neither expected those exact words to come out, or the fact that they had come at this moment. Neither of them had, he supposed, and maybe... maybe if he'd managed to tell her what he was going through, that would've been for the better. But sometimes, as he of all creatures should know, life didn't quite turn out the way any of them wanted.
And still, Yin seemed to understand. Perhaps she understood it better even than Azarax himself did, understood what he had been trying to say with what he had said. And that, maybe, was why it felt so right, despite the less-than-ideal circumstances. There were times like this one where she seemed to know him better than he did, or understood his meaning even when he didn't.
"I just..." Wanted to apologize, almost. For this, for him, for everything, even though he didn't really know why. But that wasn't quite it, either. He felt lost, unable to articulate his feelings--hell, unable to figure out what it was he was feeling in the first place. Everywhere around it, it was like an ocean, a vast, uniform sameness that scared him half to death.
"I wish I knew what to say." He said finally.
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 1:26 am
"There won't always be words, that's why we have actions, love." She spoke, rubbing her head upwards and drawing back to see him again, looking him in the eye. "And when there are no actions either, sometimes it's alright to just feel, and you can still reach others that way."
They had bonded in such a way before, once. She'd been a child still, and Azarax an adolescent. They'd met at the watering hole and after conversation between the two, Yin-li had curled up between his front legs and simply dozed in his shade. There had been no words or actions, but the bond between two slaves, born into a world, a place, where they were not given any choice or say in the matter was clear. It was STILL clear, even now that they had overcome such odds.
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 1:42 am
Sometimes, he wondered how she knew this. How she made it seem like all the answers in the world rested inside her, how she made it all feel so easy. That was not the world the Azarax knew, nor the world that he had grown up knowing. Her upbringing had not been much different, at least not to begin with, and yet somehow... Somehow, she had managed to see something in the world that he hadn't. A kinder side, maybe, that he instinctively knew was there, but didn't quite believe in.
"Actions," he echoed as he turned to meet her gaze. The actions that he was familiar with were cruel. They were brutal. They were the actions that brought about war, that killed creatures. And yet he knew about the other ones too, the kinder ones, like the kinder side of the world. Nuzzles and touches that reassured and responded with more grace than the swipe of a paw.
She was right, of course. But he would have to learn to see them, to find them beneath the evil that existed out in the world. "As long as I can still reach you, I guess. I don't care what it's called." He wanted to thank her, but he didn't quite have the words, and thank you seemed to simple to suffice. But maybe the actions would speak louder.
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