Welcome to Gaia! ::

Minerva the Bookwyrm of Gryffindor submits Darn Flesh Eating Slugs by 2Padfoot00Moony8.

Summary: This is a Marauders' Era Remus/Sirius comedy that the author based off of the quote in Prisoner of Azkaban when Professor Lupin tells the students:
“It’s always best to have company when you’re dealing with a Boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a Boggart make that very mistake - tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening.”

Note: I figure that this definitely counts as a Magical Creature fic since a Boggart is the main theme. I edited the story a bit by fixing punctuation, like adding commas when they were missing or adding spacing between words that are meant to be two. It's a cute, short fic that made me laugh a lot, so I'm sure you'll enjoy it! whee


Remus was sat in front of a nice, warm fire reading a book whilst Peter chatted to him about nothing in particular.

A sudden bang came from the stairs and he looked up to see James and Sirius sprawled out at the bottom of them.

They quickly scrambled to their feet and jumped over to Remus, ignoring the Common Room laughing at them.

“Moony! Moony! Moo -”

“What, Sirius?” Remus asked pleasantly.

“There’s something under my bed!” His eyes were wide and James was nodding along with him.

Remus sighed and put his book down; they went through this at least once a week. “Sirius Black, you are seventeen years old. You should know by now that there is nothing under your bed.”

“That’s what I told him!” James flapped his hands partly from excitement and partly from fear. “But I looked under there and...” He shuddered.

Remus sighed again and stood, holding his hands up in surrender. “Fine. Fine. I give up! We’ll go check.”

He started towards the stairs. Sirius and James crept along behind him, pushing each other in front.

They reached the door and Remus glanced at them over his shoulder, smirking at their childish antics. He pushed the door open slowly and stepped inside.

He waited until James and Sirius were peering nervously around the door frame before getting down on all fours and crawling over to Sirius’ bed.

Looking underneath, he smirked. It was a Boggart. Ignoring his stomach clenching at the full moon, he stood back up and rose an eyebrow.

“There’s nothing there,” he informed them as he dusted himself off.

Sirius and James tip-toed towards him. They were halfway across the room when the bed started rattling.

“AGHH!” They both screamed girlishly and grabbed each other tightly, clinging to each other.

Remus rolled his eyes, “Must be a draft in here.” He shrugged and settled on his own bed to watch the drama unfold.

Pulling out his wand, Sirius flicked itin an attempt to push the bed, but it wouldn’t move.

“If you’d read Hogwarts; A History you’d know that the beds contain protection spells and cannot be moved, changed, or bewitched in any shape or form,” said Remus dryly, not even glancing up from the book he’d gotten out from his trunk.

“Moony!” Sirius whined, “There’s something under there! I‘m telling you!”

“Aww. Poor Padfoot.” He quickly looked back down at his book to hide the grin that was forming on his face, “If we wake up in the morning and you’re not there we’ll know it ate you and then we’ll get Dumbledore. Okay?”

Sirius whimpered. “I’m not sleeping in there tonight. Someone has to trade with me!” He looked at James and then back at Remus.

James started backing away, “I’m not sleeping in there either!” His voice was high pitched and Remus had to suppress a chuckle.

“Rem…Swap with-”

“No,” Remus cut him off quickly. “You know as well as I do that I can’t sleep properly in any bed except my own.”

James started laughing. “And I wouldn’t recommend sleeping in Peter’s; it’s practically coated in crumbs.”

Sirius glanced at his watch depicting the late hour and whimpered again. “But I’m tired!”

“Sleep in the common room.” Remus dead-panned.

Sirius gasped, clutching at his heart. “I’m wounded, Moony!”

“Too scared to sleep down there on your own?”

“Well, what if that that thing is after me!” He sat down on Remus’ bed and looked up at him with puppy dog eyes.

Remus stated, unmoved, “No. I am not swapping beds with you, I will not sleep down in the common room with you, and you are not sleeping in my bed with me.”

“Oh, come on, Rem! Peter has a habit of kicking me and James tends to talk in his sleep. Right in my ear, incidentally. You’re the only one left!”

“So, I’m a last resort?” Remus asked, eyebrows raised. “And since when do you share beds with boys?”

Sirius blushed.

“He’s easily scared,” James spoke for him with an evil grin on his face. “When he stayed with me one summer it was quite windy and a tile flew off the roof. It made quite a bang, actually. Anyway…Sirius shot into my room and woke me up. He was almost wetting himselfand refused to sleep in his room for the rest of the holiday!”

Sirius folded his arms moodily as Remus and James laughed at him.

“It’s not my fault! Loud bangs in my house normally mean waking up to find Kreacher above you with a really creepy smile!” He started pouting.

Remus didn’t reply and neither did James, but they caught each other’s eyes and stifled more laughter.

Sirius turned back to Remus. “Please?”

“No. Last time you slept in my bed - which was last week, actually - you pushed me out of my own bed after stealing all the covers. I screamed at you at least three different times. Then, when I got in your bed, you somehow followed me over there and pushed me out of that one!” Remus folded his arms stubbornly.

“…I did not. You‘re making it up!”

“How would you know? You were asleep!”

“Well… you’ll be sorry when you wake up in the morning and all that’s left of me is a single strand of hair,” Sirius said airily.

“I’ll start planning the funeral, then.”

Sirius stuck his bottom lip out.

“Sirius, just look under the bed. Put your mind at rest, please.” Remus tried to push him off his bed, but Sirius stayed put.

“And risk my handsome, gorgeous, beautiful, fantastical face? Not a chance, Moony!”

“Sleep on the floor, then,” James suggested.

“Are you on The Thing's side, Potter?” Sirius narrowed his eyes.

James rolled his eyes, “Yes, Sirius. Yes, me and The Thing are part of a conspiracy to murder you. Remus here is the mastermind.”

Sirius huffed, “I’m telling you! There’s something under my bed!”

Remus and James rolled their eyes just as the door opened and Peter stepped inside.

“Night,” he muttered before climbing into his own bed and almost instantly snoring.

Sirius licked his lips thoughtfully. He turned into Padfoot and scrambled quickly under Remus’ covers before curling up half way down the bed and fixing Remus with a glare.

James laughed, “That’s what you get for making fun of Padfoot.”

“If I wake up to find a mess in the middle of my bed, Sirius…” he growled playfully. He turned towards James. “Turn the light out, please?”

After the boys settled down everything was calm for about half an hour. The stars were twinkling, the moon was gleaming, and everything was silent.

Until Sirius started screaming hysterically.

The light was switched on and three pairs of sleepy eyes turned towards Sirius, who had grabbed Remus by the neck and buried his face in Remus’ chest.

Remus peeled the animagus off him, gasping for breath. “What the…?”

“Something touched me!” Sirius whispered, his face pale.

“Where?” Remus asked, concentrating very hard on not laughing.

“My-my leg.”

“That was my foot, you idiot.”

“Oh.”

The light went off again and the boys all started to fall to sleep when -

“BLOODY HELL!”

Light back on.

“What now, Sirius?”

“I s-saw s-s-something move!” Sirius sat up slowly. “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! The Thing! It’s eaten Peter!” be started shouting, his finger stabbing the air in Peter’s bed’s direction.

Remus and James turned to find that Peter’s bed was empty. Then, they heard a toilet flush and Peter walked back into the room, whistling to himself.

The whistle died in his throat when he saw his friends watching him. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Light off.

“AGGHH!”

“What now, Sirius?” Remus grumbled.

“I heard something rustle!”

Light on.

Peter looking extremely guilty with chocolate round his mouth.

Light off.

“AGGHH!”

“God, help me.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Shut it, Padfoot!”

Silence for a whole ten minutes. Remus smiled happily and turned over.

Sirius was suddenly pressed up against him, shivering.

Ignoring this, Remus felt himself slipping into a nice fuzzy sleep until a cold draft announced that Sirius had stolen all his covers.

Groaning, he curled up in a tight ball.

“HELP! HELP ME! IT’S GOT ME! HELP!”

The light was hastily switched on and all three boys instantly turned to Sirius, ready to help their friend if he needed it.

“Sirius. It’s. The. Blanket.” Remus stated through gritted teeth.

Sirius mumbled a sheepish apology.

Light back off.

“AGGHH!”

“For Merlin's sake! We’re sorting this out now!” Remus roared as he pulled Sirius out of bed and flicked his wand angrily at the candles to ignite. Remus was normally a calm person, but werewolves needed their sleep.

The orange light flickered on and James sat up groggily. Sirius shot an angry glare at Remus before hoisting James out of bed to help him. Peter grumbled and got up, too.

“Right. Pete, on my signal shoot water under the bed. Hopefully, we can flush it out.” Sirius brandished his own wand and got down on his knees with James next to him.

“One...Two…Three!”

The jet of water went under the bed and...

Came out the other side.

Dripping wet, Sirius shut his eyes tightly and counted to ten in his head so he wouldn't attack Peter. The Thing was the enemy, not Peter.

“That didn’t work,” Remus added unhelpfully.

“I’m well aware of that, thank you,” Sirius growled in his direction.

Peter sighed and joined Remus on the werewolf's bed. They sat and watched as Sirius and James muttered to each other, deciding on the best course of action.

“It’s a Boggart.” Remus whispered out the corner of his mouth to Peter.

“How do you -”

“Saw it.”

“Oh.”

Half an hour later and the clock reached two, Remus stifled a yawn and Sirius finally turned to him.

“Right. Plan Two. Get Lily.”

Remus snorted. “Because I’m sure Lily would appreciate being woken up at two in the morning by you.”

James suddenly looked thoughtful. “Why don’t we set a trap.”

Remus rolled his eyes, his patience was starting to go.

“Yes. We’ll set Peter as bait and wait for It to come out.”

“Hey!” Peter cried, “I’m not being bait!”

“Look, I’ll push it out and you two attack it, yeah?” Remus finally surrendered to helping them.

He went round the other side of the bed and crouched down behind it.

“Ready?”

“Um, yeah…”

He spotted the Boggart and using his wand, he forced it out the other side.

Straightening up, he started laughing as Sirius and James squealed and leapt onto his bed next to Peter.

Half of a slug lay in front of them.

“It’s - it’s - it’s a - a - Boggart!” he finally stuttered between laughs as he walked back towards them.

Comprehension dawned on their faces and James pushed Sirius off of the bed. “You go first.” Sirius was having none of it, and pulled both James and Remus down with him. They missed hitting the Boggart by inches.

James quickly shifted away from it, but Sirius was trapped underneath Remus.

“I’ll go first. Then you, Sirius. Then you, James. Then, Pete. Yeah?” Remus prodded Sirius in the chest, who reluctantly agreed.

“Good.” He got to his feet, kicked Sirius out of the way and turned to face the Boggart with his wand drawn.

It turned into a silver orb with a puff of smoke and Remus bit his lip.

He waved his wand. “Riddikulus!”

The orb fell to the floor and smashed.

“Padfoot.” He avoided his friends' eyes. They hadn’t known that he feared the moon most of all...

Sirius wouldn’t. He shook his head, eyes wide. “I-I can’t.”

“Prongs?”

Another head shake.

“Wormtail?”

A squeak.

“Fine, then.” Using his wand, he opened Sirius’ trunk, emptied it, and forced the Boggart inside.

“You’re afraid of the moon, Rem?” An arm was snaked round his waist and Remus nodded into the chest he had been pulled against.

“We’ll take the Boggart to McGonagall tomorrow,” James said matter-of-factly, locking the trunk.

Remus nodded again.

Peter had crawled back to his own bed and Sirius sat down, pulling Remus with him.

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

Remus laughed, “Yeah, sure. By the way, I’m petrified of the full moon. Just thought you should know.”

“We would’ve known, at least! We never thought that you were scared. We always just thought you hated it.”

“I do. But often, the things you hate, you fear,” Remus replied.

“I’m not scared of Snape.” Sirius said instantly, his face twisted into a grimace as he held Remus at arms length. “I hate him, but I’m not afraid of him!”

Remus almost laughed, “No. You’re biggest fear is of man-eating slugs, which is very weird if you ask me. I’ve never even heard of them things before.”

Sirius stuck his tongue out, “So? Just imagine them oozing over you as they nibble you to death with pointy little teeth, leaving grease marks bigger than Snape’s!” He shuddered. “At least I’m not afraid of headless corpses!” He directed this towards James.

James shivered at that. “Have you never heard of the Headless Horseman, Sirius?”

Sirius shook his head.

“He's scary." James nodded with certainty. "What's worse is: If you don’t have a head, how are they meant to identify you?!”

Remus and Sirius spoke, alternating, with Remus going first. “Fingerprints.”

“Size.”

“Spells.”

“Size.”

“Clothes.”

“Size.”

“Weight.”

“Size.”

“Shoe size.”

“Size.”

“Length.”

Sirius laughed at that. “Length?”

Remus smacked him lightly. “Don’t be so childish. I meant height.”

Sirius smirked and looked over at James. “Headless corpses aren’t frightening at all!”

“Well, neither are ‘flesh-eating-slugs’ that don’t even exist!”

“They do!”

“Do not!”

“Do!”

“Don’t!”

“Do!”

“Don’t!”

“Do!”

“Stop it! Please! It’s half-two in the morning and I would very much like to sleep,” Remus said, massaging his temples.

“Well, tell James that there is such things as flesh eating slugs!”

“James, you’re absolutely right. There is no such things as flesh eating slugs.”

Sirius punched him on the arm and lay back down, curling up against Remus.

“Er -” Remus started to speak and Sirius looked at him as if to say, ’Yes, I’m sleeping in your bed. Deal with it.’

Remus glared back before giving up.

James turned the light off.

Peter snored.

Remus sighed.

James gave a bigger sigh.

Peter snorted.

Sirius screamed.

“Bloody hell, Padfoot! The Boggart is in the trunk!” Remus felt like crying. “Now, please, please shut up and Go. To. Sleep.”

Sirius waited patiently until Remus was almost asleep and then he stuck his tongue in Remus’ ear.

Remus screamed.

“Moony! You hypocrite!” Sirius said smugly.

“Something s-slimy…m-my e-ear.” Remus stuttered, one hand clamped over his ear.

Sirius smirked.

Then he licked Remus’ cheek.

Remus screamed again.

“Remus! Now really! I’m trying to sleep.” Sirius huffed.

“Something wet and gooey just went over my cheek.”

“Must be those flesh eating slugs,” James said, half asleep, from his bed.

Sirius waited again until Remus was almost asleep and then disappeared under the covers.

He waited until Remus’ breathing evened out and then licked Remus’ stomach, nipping the skin slightly.

Remus screamed again and shot up.

“Moony…go to sleep!” Sirius sighed and turned over smiling.

“But-but-”

“Sleep. Now.” was Sirius’ reply.

“Fine.”

Sirius distantly heard the clock chime three.

He turned to face Remus and - thinking the werewolf was asleep - half licked, half nipped his neck.

Remus’ eyes flew open and he rose an eyebrow at Sirius. “Padfoot…any particular reason you just licked my neck?”

Thankful for the darkness covering his blush, he distinctly heard James sniggering.

Sirius swallowed. “T'wasn’t me. Must’ve bin ‘ose pesky fles’ eatin’ slugs," he muttered, sounding half asleep.

Remus licked his lips but said nothing.

Talking no chances this time, he covered Remus’ eyes with his hand and dragged his tongue from the base of Remus’ neck up to his nose.

Remus started squirming.

Sirius smiled to himself and licked him again.

Remus stayed very still.

Sirius placed a sloppy kiss on Remus’ cheek before licking him again, this time from one ear to the other.

Remus giggled.

Smiling properly now, Sirius nipped Remus’ ear his hand drifting down to link fingers with Remus.

Remus opened his brilliant gold eyes. “Pesky flesh eating slugs.”

Sirius nodded mutely, lips brushing Remus‘ he whispered, “Yeah, damn those pesky flesh eating slugs.”

Needless to say, Sirius didn’t sleep in his own bed for a very long time.