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 Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:01 am
'tap'
'tap-tap-tap'
the repetitive sound was becoming somewhat irritating. It was the sound of his own foot, tapping against the mattress. Even so.. he wouldn't stop. If he did... he might be lulled to sleep again...and if he dreamt again he feared it was going to be even worse. Finally tossing himselfout of bed he went out in the hallway and into the kitchen to serve himself a glass of water. There was silence.
He neared the window and pressed his forehead against the transparent surface. He was greeted by the usual amorphous shadow of the musician and sighed. That thing wasnever going to leave, would it? So very stubborn. It was rather comforting though... to know that some things weren't going to change even if a lot of s**t hapenned.
Talking of s**t... three days ago was hell... and he slept two days straight. So very great... he scoffed.
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Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 5:30 pm
A bookman, that was what Rynl had become, a true one, Lavi thought depressingly. The blond had woke up the day before, his eyes dull, and only a need for facts and information. The revelation had depressed Lavi to no end, as well as Dino it seemed, though the rabbit was still sick he looked a bit teary-eyed when Lavi told him the situation. "God, he didn't need that, noone needs that." Lavi sighed, rifling through old research notes. He had finally gotten fed up with the depressing/tense atmosphere in the house and had locked himself away in a room only he could get in...well, knew about. He wondered how Allen was doing, and if there was anything he could do to help
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Posted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:07 pm
Allen shrugged at the shadow, reflecting on the glass and moved to leave the kitchen. Exiting to the hallway he walked up to the door at the end of it, where the library was located. His primary goal was to get a new newspaper to read, however he hapenned to stumble on Rynl. He remembered how he was unconscious when he fell to sleep so he merely walked up to him and smile. Rynl looked odd though. He didn't 'look' somehow bad... the feeling Allen got was pretty different from the usual though... as if the other was more... hollow... empty... maybe he was just tired too?
"Are you feeling well, Rynl-san?" he questioned in a gentle tone of voice. Timcanpy fluttered ocwer from hiding and sat on the top of his head. The golem seemed to like the library since it was the one place less busy... Allen smiled, the comforting weight of the small golem on his head another point in time that would never change.
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Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:58 pm
Lavi just happened to be coming out of the library when he heard Allen talking to Rynl. Not wanting Allen to be hurt, further than he was, Lavi pulled Allen over, smiling at Rynl. "Sorry Bookman." It hurt, to call him that, but Lavi knew he'd overcome it. He waited until Rynl left before turning to Allen. "Allen, i'm glad your up, but there are...there are things we gotta talk about."
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Posted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 8:41 pm
Allen blinked. He had been snatched so suddently from Rynl that he barely understood how it hapenned. Lavi seemed to act as if he didn't want to let him speak to Rynl. But why? And why did Lavi reffer to Rynl as 'Bookman'.......? He had never done something simillar in the past. Sighing softly he looked up at Lavi.
"Sure thing." he smilled quietly. "Is it something the matter?"
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Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 6:41 pm
Lavi lead Allen to his room, closing the door behind him. He took a deep breath, telling Allen all he could. "Rynl, somethings happened to him. He's not...not my student anymore, he's surpassing me, he's...he's a real 'bookman' now. No name, no heart." He slid to the floor, huddling in on himself. "And I don't want him to be like that, I want my friend back." Like I want you back. He ignored that thought.
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Posted: Mon Nov 03, 2008 8:09 pm
Allen sighed. Somehow he understood what that meant for Rynl... for Lavi... The boy had been a kind one, he was nice to have around, Allen thought he was weird alright... but nobody deserved that fate. Going over to sit next to Lavi -for the sirst time not feeling the need to jerk away into safety- he heaved a soft sigh, pulling his knees close and resting his hands against them.
"Do you think Rynl-san wanted this, Lavi?" he asked in a quiet tone of voice. He supposed every Bookman did though. This was their mission, their goal. After all, hearts were not needed in their line of work, they were elements that could distract them from their mission. So were identities. However... it terrified him. It terrified him to no ends to think Lavi could too... one day... dissapear.
'I don't want him to dissapear...' he thought to himself. 'If he dissapears, I...' he... he what? 'I would be sad...' he decided, he had thought of something worse, even, but to have that thought about a person you know for but a month... it didn't make sense. It didn't make any sense at all.
Leaning his head against Lavi's shoulder Allen sighed again. "It is... sad..." he mumbled. "Why would anyone want to not have a heart? Hearts... emotions... they are precious things..." he trailed off.
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Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:28 pm
Lavi clenched his fists, looking up at Allen, his single eye showing anger, regret, and pity. "No, he didn't, doesn't want this." Lavi had not only been Rynl's teacher, but his greatest confidante, telling him nearly everything he could remember, and his hopes and fears, namely the one of fully inheriting the bookman title, but now.....his worst fear had been realized. "And Allen, it's because the heart gets in the way, emotions make you stick to a certain thought or belief, we bookman have no need for that, or precious memories or moments, because those things aren't needed of us." They were merely recorders, destined to forever tell the worlds true history.
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Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 7:13 pm
Allen closed his eyes, and as he was leaned onto Lavi he thought he could as well fall asleep and the red-head wouldn't notice. He frowned a little, his expression sad. He sighed, his eyes still closed. He let some moments fly by in silence, thinking of what Lavi said. So sad. This was only so sad. It made him think of things such as what were feelings worth and what was that thing that made someone human. It made him wonder if all hope was lost for Rynl though he doubted that. If he didn't want this then why did he submit to it? But if what Lavi said was true... how could Rynl be a bookman if he didn't want this? And was Lavi the same too? Did he really have no feelings? Was he, himself, holding on to something that was going to fade?
"Lavi..." he suddently spoke. "Don't you have anything that is precious to you? A feeling? A memory?" he asked quietly. He wanted, needed to know. It was something beyond mere concern, stemming subconsciously into being. It was something so faint he hadn't even realized that it was forming inside of him. Even so his heartbeat became slightly faster, agonizing about the answer he might receive.
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Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2008 10:49 pm
Something precious to him? Well, Lavi did have one, okay several things, that were precious to him, but he couldn't tell Allen, especially since he didn't remember. So he smiled and cheerfully replied. "Nope, I don't, those feelings are lost to me."
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Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:25 am
Allen sighed. He was feeling pretty much quite let down by Lavi’s answer. Three days ago he had yelled at him, hit him just for claiming he hadn’t got heart and feelings. This time though he managed to control his temper in order to try a different approach. Still leaning against Lavi he sighed and opened his clear eyes to look away. He avoided the one emerald eye he knew that was visible not wanting to get lost in those depths searching for the anwers concealed and locked away within. He wanted, needed, to be able to trust Lavi.
”I see…” he trailed off. ”I understand. You used to be bookman after all…” he said. He didn’t want to look at Lavi, not his lies, not anymore. Instictually and by the bits and pieces he gathered from his past –but had not evealed yet- he could almost instinctually say that Lavi was lying. That cheerful grin and the single bright unclouded eye… they were a façade to hide true emotions. Lavi was hiding. He was hiding in the same way Allen was. Withdrawing, concealing, keeping hidden, secret… this was the way it should be, Allen knew that too.
’I wonder…’ he thought to himself. ’Can he see beyond that veil disfiguring me?’ the gossamer veil of kindness and compassion that, while true, was created to keep Allen from self-destructing eventually. The pressure that was put on him, before death and after that, it was almost too great to bear.
Deep inside he, sometimes, knew that Lavi could see. His stare was aways penetrating through his very essence, reaching down to his core as if it wanted to know his heart, his deepest feelings, those that he always kept to himself.
”Lavi…” he spoke the other’s name one more time, as if not to forget it. ”To me… you are…” he now looked up at him again, honest as an honest person can be. ”You are very precious to me.” he smiled. He meant it. After all, Lavi was the one that had found him, the one that had cared for him the most. Lavi was his friend… a very valuable friend that he would treasure forever. Somehow he was kinda glad that everything happened the way it did. If it hadn’t he might have never remembered Lavi or even his own name…
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Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 7:41 pm
He was precious to Allen? Lavi felt his face heat up, and could swear it reached his ears. Even in life, Allen had never told him that, but to tell him such a thing, without even knowing who Lavi really was, well......it was endearing, to say the least. "Th-thank you Allen." He stuttered out, resting his head on Allen's without much thought. It felt nice, and he just hoped Allen wouldn't push him away.
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Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 8:36 pm
Allen smilled weakly but didn't move at all from where he was positioned. He didn't need Lavi to say he had a heart, however it still hurt when he claimed he didn't have one. He knew Lavi had a heart, it was there, he knew it was there, beating softly. Damn... he might not need Lavi to accept the fact but he wanted him to hear him say it... even though he wouldn't.
"Lavi..." he spoke quietly. "Why does it hurt...?" he questioned. "Why is my heart in pain?" he looked away, afraid Lavi might laugh, however he was only speaking the truth. His heart was practically hurting, as if something clenched it tight. And there was an uneasy feeling somewhere deep down... and a longing... a deep mournful longing. He would never let it show though... because he, himself, did not understand it.
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Posted: Wed Nov 05, 2008 9:52 pm
"Because there's something it wants, something it's missing." He replied, almost automatically. It vexed him, how he could say such things when he had no experience with the matter itself. The heart and mind were funny thing weren't they?
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Posted: Thu Nov 06, 2008 4:49 am
Allen sighed, bringing one hand up to his heart. It was still beating fast. Maybe it was beating even faster from before. He really was in pain. He wanted to… wanted to break free… he wanted to stop being in pain. His eyes lingered on the window, were the snow had pilled up on the windowsill. Outside the world was covered by a blindingly bright carpet of snow.
Suddenly he realized just how close the two of them were. If he reached his fingers out another centimeter he could entwine them with Lavi’s. But what did that matter right now?
’Because there’s something it wants, something it’s missing.’ he winced, repeating the words Lavi just said in his mind. Something…… something essential… something… missing. What did that mean? What did his heart want so bad that it was in such pain…? Pain that escalated to the point of being physical as well as emotional. It felt like every time he tried to force his memory reveal one of those dark patches that he had yet to discover… but it was worse… much worse…
”Lavi…” he uttered in a small pained whine. ”I don’t want it to hurt anymore…” he looked up in a pleading manner, as if he was begging for the other to do something, anything… just stop this. Stop him from feeling this way…
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