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 Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 10:58 pm
For people that know my views on the world and My Thoughts on relationships this might come as a surprise. Here is my latest Journal Entry, Tell me is this normal? Quote: Most people who know me, think of me of a goof ball and a friendly person. I also come off and blunt and a person who views everything in life in Black and White. While this is me and this is not me.The previous statement is me on the outside but the me on the inside is about as far awar from the me that everyone knows. I find myself alone by choice. I find that I am unable to open up to any one not even family. or to myself. I am very confused. I am so happy to be with my friends and even when they yell at me and call me dumbass for pulling the stupid stuff I do. I feel welcome and at least that my existance is having an impact on people. At night sitting alone in my room after I am off my video games and none talking to people. I sit and watch TV and have this unexplainable pain fill the core of my body. It is a cold feeling one of lonelyness one of absolute lonelyness. When I lay in bed the cold void fills my body to the point were I have to rap my boby in as many layers to keep warm. I think that this is a subconcience thing, that I might be trying to artificailly simulate another person next to me. I don't think that every person is might to find a mate in life. I just happen to be one of them. I have been working so hard on trying to convince myself that a life alone will be a safer one. I have thought about what it would be like to die alone and have no one to miss me. I try getting people to hate me sometimes so I will be used to the fact that I will have to be alone. The fact is I don't even know if the few friends I have will actually miss me when I am gone. I wish that I knew one way or another just so I could jusify a course of action. I have been slowly killing myself inside trying to harden myself to prepare for the next 20 years of my life. By killing myself inside and losing emotion and values that define me as my friends know me. I hope that people will realize a false me and leave. I do this so I can get the lost of friends and loved one over and out of the way. Or in blunter terms I want to speed up my life. I don't believe in suicide by no means but Death is a welcome sight to me now. The thought of death actually help me sleep at night knowing that there will be an end. My only hope is that one of the world religons is correct and there will be a new start to my being. One that I will have no fear of being open and one Were the False me the one that my friends know the one that everyone knows can be the one and only me. And if anyone hasn't already realized it this is the first time in my memory that I have been completely open. I just hope that if my friends read this that they don't treat me different. I fear that the most. I fear people knowing the real me...
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:24 pm
I can relate to you.
Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people?
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:29 pm
[CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how?
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Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 5:29 pm
Yeah, I can relate to what you're saying and I do the same things sometimes. I don't think half the people I know at school would think twice if I wasn't there. I don't really think they'd care that much if didn't come back. They'd probably be more sad that someone didn't come back rather than it was me. I highly doubt many people I know outside of school would care if I was gone. I doubt the people I've known for 10 years or something would care if I left or died. But that's just the way it is really. I've learned to accept it and I don't really mind anymore. I mean, I don't know what death is like, I don't know what's to come so it's not like I'm going to all of a sudden see all the people that care and don't care. Might as well just take it as it is and move on.
Not much to tell you really but a problem that you might be having is that you're going away from people and with that you're not letting people in. Well, I mean, not to put the blame on you or anything, but it's kind of your fault that they don't care for you because you're not letting them and you're not giving them a chance. Yeah, it sucks to be like that and not let people in but I think you should try and keep a good balance. Everyone has things they don't want to tell people and such, so don't tell them those things. I also think in your case you might have to bend the truth a little about yourself so you can get comfortable with letting people in.
The basic thing for you is that you have to find trusting people that won't ******** you over in the end. And it's hard to find people like that these days it seems like. You just gotta keep trying because it ain't over till the fat lady sings and I really don't think that lady is ever going to sing.
I don't know, but this might work. Do you have any friends that are girls? If they're ok with it maybe you could ask them to hold you or something so you at least know what it feels like. Probably would be pretty awkward though.
The other thing that might help you is to just learn to be single and just enjoy it. There are a lot of benefits to being single that not a lot of people look at sometimes.
I can't really help you with anything specific though because you have to figure out how to deal with it on your own. You have to deal with these things in your own way, whatever that way might be.
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:27 am
L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how? I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now.
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:21 am
[CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how? I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now. I was bully by every one in grade school
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 12:18 pm
L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how? I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now. I was bully by every one in grade school Now we're getting somewhere. Do you think your scared to open up to people incase it happens again?
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 7:42 pm
[CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how? I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now. I was bully by every one in grade school Now we're getting somewhere. Do you think your scared to open up to people incase it happens again? I never opened up to anyone, I closed myself up before anyone get to know me
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Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:33 pm
I can't say I know how you feel, because I don't, yet I highly doubt anyone at all would miss me if I were to, oh just dissapear. Once I was out sick of school for a month (way back in middle school.) And yes, I had many friends, but when I got back no one even seemed to notice I had returned, or actually even left. No one asked what happened, or why I was gone, just nothing.
I can't help you right now on this, sorry.
But if I could help you, I'd also be able to help myself.
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 6:36 am
L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I can relate to you. Do you know why you feel like this? Like as there something that happened in the past that makes you feel like you want to 'shut down' from emotions and other people? When I was in grade school the only way I could get through the day w/o crying was to turn off my emotion and become a zombie. that was back in 3rd grade. Since then I really haven't turn my emotions make on. I really don't know how? I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now. I was bully by every one in grade school Now we're getting somewhere. Do you think your scared to open up to people incase it happens again? I never opened up to anyone, I closed myself up before anyone get to know me Yes, but do you do that incase you get bullied again?
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Posted: Sun Oct 02, 2005 5:22 pm
[CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] L33tB4K4 [CherryBlossom] I agree with what ButterBalls says. I think it's a normal part of growing up. But not everyone goes through it. Normally an event as a younger child makes you feel this way. Such as being bullied - by peers or parents, just casual abuse - verbilly or other. You'll know if something happened when you were younger. That can often help solve how you feel now. I was bully by every one in grade school Now we're getting somewhere. Do you think your scared to open up to people incase it happens again? I never opened up to anyone, I closed myself up before anyone get to know me Yes, but do you do that incase you get bullied again? Now not really, once I got out of school I wasn't afraid any more. and my size will prevent any bullying . I am 6'4" and 225 lbs and built! But I guess what i am most afraid of is changing myself in my friends eyes. and having them lose respect for me
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![[C]herry[B]lossom's avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/2a/16/2c11eb024162a_flip.png?t=1556182476_6.00_11)
