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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 11:18 am
Okay. I live in a rather.... secluded... area of Britain. The closest shul, which I visit once a month only, is well over an hour and a half in a city called Manchester. Ever heard of it? blaugh There is a shul a few towns away, but that is very Orthodox, and I'm not quite that religious. Which brings us onto our the topic. I have, since the age of 12, felt a growing urge to be more religious, and follow more mitzvahs. Its been growing for years.
The big problem is my father. He was born to a long line of Rabbis from Lodz, Poland, who escaped before the Holocaust, and humourosly got off in Cork in Ireland, rather than New York, because my Great-great-grandfather was a bit deaf. They died, leaving my Great-grandfather an orphan, who was adopted by a family in Wales. He started a successful clothing company, and organised a slightly less Orthodox shul in a large-ish town. My grandfather, bless 'im, took over. My grandfather is a very religious man and still uses his Tephilin day and night, etc, even though he's 80 now. So my father grew up in a Very religious home.
Here's the important part coming up. My father hated it. He found Judaism boring, and has no real belief at all. He's afraid of anyone in a kippah, and thinks Chassidic Jews are all insane. This is the first case of which I know in which a Jewish man is Anti-Semetic.
Because of this basic rebellion against his parents, he raised my two brothers and I completely ignorant of Judaism. I'd never met another Jewish person until I was 8, when I met my grandfather's schoolfriend. We're only part of a shul because I really, really begged to have a Bar Mitzvah when I was 13. Luckily the more painful part of that agreement had been settled 13 years earlier rofl
But because I've been getting more and more religious, my father has gone nuts. I'm escaping for weeks at a time to America, London, Israel, anywhere I can be with someone more religious. At home my father purposefully serves pork and a milk product at family meals, and has banned me from wearing a kippah. I saved up and bought my own Tephilin recently, but my dad screamed at me for wasting money. Funny then, that he bought me an iPhone recently. (I made him return it rolleyes ). No wonder, then, that I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
I'm beginning to struggle. Has anyone ever suffered this problem before? If so... help?
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 11:32 am
Wait, so you "escape" to different parts of the world but are banned from wearing kippah AND you live at home?
Okay, does anyone else see the issues I have with this?
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 12:17 pm
I see issues. Help? I live at home because I'm under 18 and my funds don't stretch to a 4-bedroom house.
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 12:59 pm
Sounds like you need a room-mate.
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:05 pm
Where do you find one without a driving liscence, very little in the way of funds, and a distance of at least an hour to a city?? Argh. I'm asking: has anyone's parents ever disagreed with what you're doing, but you got them to look at it your way. And if so, how?????
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:13 pm
I recommend stubbornness, just keep doing it, they will eventually tire of the argument and let you win.
This is known as passive resistance, or... Ghandi-Tech
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:21 pm
xp Go Ghandi-Tech! xp
Meh, I'll risk being strangled and screamed at through flecked teeth. If it doesn't work, I'll come back here.
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:22 pm
I've just realized that this is just what's more important to follow:
1. The commandment to honour your parents. or 2.The mitzvahs.
Well?
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:27 pm
Behatzlacha-S I've just realized that this is just what's more important to follow: 1. The commandment to honour your parents. or 2.The mitzvahs. Well? Depends how you interpret the commandment Honor as in listen too or Honor as in make them proud of you but a commandment generally overrides a mitzvah.
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Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 6:12 pm
Your dad sounds like my mother. She disapproves of me even identifying as a Jew.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 6:13 am
There is a Talmudic principle which states that, in general, the commandments in the Torah come in order of importance. The commandment to honor your parents comes before the commandments involving prayer, wearing tzitzit, all the dietary laws, and so on -- the nitpicky details of living as a Jew. Therefore, you should honor your father's wishes for now, while you live in his home. His home, his rules. But let him know that the only reason you are delaying your observance of other mitzvot is because you are keeping the one that he'll find least objectionable, that of honoring one's parents.
Meanwhile, start a separate savings account that your family members don't know about. Put ten dollars a week into it, or twenty a month, or whatever you can manage -- your allowance, or wages from work, gifts, and so on. Make that your Judaica fund, and contribute to it regularly lifelong. When you're of age and can move out, use that money to buy your new sets of dishes, cookware, eating/prep/serving utensils (meat, dairy, parve, and Passover), your mezuzot and their cases for each of your doorposts, a few kippot, a tallit, a siddur, and the other accoutrements of Jewish observance. Your home, your rules!
Also, when you do move out, it'll be easier on you if one of your criteria for "Do I want to live here?" is a reasonably sized Jewish population, multiple synagogues to choose from (Liberal, Masorti/Traditional, Orthodox, what-have-you), kosher restaurants or groceries (not essential, but they really help), and so on.
But in the meantime, just sit tight and observe the few mitzvot that your family won't give you grief about. Honor your father and mother; don't say the name of Hashem unless you're praying; do your homework and yardwork on Sundays or during the week so that there's nothing they can stick you with on Shabbat; avoid stealing (that's a mitzvah shelo aseh, a mitzvah-not-to-do, and observing that one will be easier than observing the ones that will upset your father). Make yourself a promise that you'll do more when you're able.
If you can buy a prayer book, get one, and learn to pronounce the prayers in order, and pray at least one of them every morning before going out of your bedroom and doing anything else. Add one extra (small) blessing each week to your total. And when you're next in Manchester, visit a rabbi and tell him what you've been doing, and ask what else you can do that will not upset your father but will help you begin to live more authentically as a Jew. If you have a mobile phone or can telephone in some other way without spending your parents' money and having them notice it on the bill and be upset, call a rabbi in Manchester and ask for advice that way, too, because it'll help.
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Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:21 pm
Divash, thank you. You always seem to know how to explain things.
Well, I kind of can relate to you, but with a different religion. My family isn't religious anymore, so I am the only one that goes to church. I have to get a ride from a friend. Yeah, if you have a jewish friend, go with them. My family...still thinks I am a little crazy. I want to go to a Jewish service too. I need some kind of faith. I just have to figure out where one is.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 6:27 am
ffdarkangel I need some kind of faith. I just have to figure out where one is. Are you looking for faith, or are you looking for religion? I suspect if you look deep, deep down, you'll find that you already believe certain things, have faith in certain things. If you're not sure what you believe and are looking for direction, I suggest talking to a priest, a minister, a rabbi, an imam, and anyone else you can, and also investigating many different books and websites concerning various religions. Faith is just what you believe in, what you trust. Religion is what you do with what you believe. Are you looking for something to do that will give you a sense of ritual, a sense of continuity with past and future, a sense of belonging because of shared actions, prayers to say, times and dates to light candles, a home altar with objects and symbols that are meaningful to you? Are you looking for a way of interacting with other people, with other species, with the environment? Find a few charities to support, volunteer within your community, recycle, clean up the local park, become a mentor. As your own Christian Testament quote goes, or so I recall, "Feed my sheep." Do something useful in the world.
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 8:24 am
Thanks Divash. One of The most helpful few paragraphs I have read in the last few months.
*Adds £10 to Judica fund*
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Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:07 am
Behatzlacha-S *Adds £10 to Judica fund* We're also collecting for the United Jewish Appeal... and a few other noble charities (lines up 27 Tsadaka Boxes)
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