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 Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:45 pm
He took a deep breath and shut his eyes, as he exhaled his whole body seemed to shake. Gods, he was so stupid, none of this should be happening! He felt like such a fool... but surely she deserved it! Spending all of her time with that handsome.. strong.. probably well-tempered male. What did he have that Uumi did not, why did she spend all of her free time with him? The guilt and fear was quickly being replaced with anger, which Uumi much preferred. If anything, Syeira had been asking for it! Maybe now she'd pay a little attention.
His claws dug into the dirt as he tried to head for the less popular watering hole of the three, but as he began to get worked up over the whole matter he could feel his breathing get heavier and suddenly he was stopped, hunched over and hacking. He'd gotten pretty used to the breathing problems, he did not even complain about them that much any longer. Unfortunately as the coughing fit continued he could not hear or smell anything around him, which left him completely defenseless.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:07 pm
The poor thing, the words still rang in her skull, clear as bells, and sharp as claws, worrying over the pride, fighting to keep it together, and the scoundrel's running around on her behind her back. A growl she couldn't hold back poured from her maw, escalating as it resounded through the trees around her. She wondered how long they had all been hiding this from her, just to keep her from being 'heartbroken'. One of the only thoughts she could grasp in that moment happened to be a rather amusing one; they should give her a little more credit, she wasn't as breakable as that fool mate of hers happened to be.
It was then that she heard that coughing spell, that tell-tale noise that could only belong to one lion in these lands. It either meant he was over-exerting himself or he was worked up emotionally. She hoped it was the later, that he had been stewing over what he had done - it would make her job that much easier. With a hiss on her maw, she sped up, breaking through the foliage that surrounded her, and coming out into the open right where her mate stood helplessly waiting for her judgment. "Uumi," she said, low, challenging and surprisingly fluid. The growl in her throat had died down, leaving her voice chilling and cold - something that was, by every right, more frightening than any growl she could have thrown at him then. Her eyes narrowed on him, that cold, hard gaze finding the target they had sought as soon as the words of the older lioness had passed her ears. She didn't, however, relax from her stance - it seemed she hadn't decided whether or not she was going to kill him just yet.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 6:37 pm
The red male was just beginning to calm down, regaining some sort of control over his breathing, when he heard the most frightening thing he could at that point in time; his mate. The tone in her voice sent chills down his spine and made him frozen to his spot. The anger he'd just been feeling had fled completely and it had been replaced with something similar to shock. Or perhaps it was just that; full on shock. This meant... she knew! Gods she knew, and she'd hunted him down! He didn't realize how literal that actually was.
He lifted his head slowly, staring into the night ahead of him. Syeira was behind him but he could neither turn to look at her or find words to speak to her. It was as if his very name had turned his blood to stone and now he would never move or speak again. His eyes were wide, though she could not see his face, and he thought for several terrifying seconds that his heart had stopped.
His mouth finally began to work and he moved it slightly, though he still did not have any words. She knew, she knew, she knew.... this was all supposed to go away! No, what was he doing! So foolish, his silence just confirmed the rumors, didn't it? Maybe she didn't eve n know... oh gods he feared his mate..
He took another deep, slightly shuddering breath, before he slowly looked over his shoulder. His gaze met that of Syeira's chin, for he couldn't look her in the eyes even though he had the courage to show her his face. "S-syeira?" He failed completely at trying to sound natural and calm, he feared the tone of guilt was clear in his words and worried even more that somehow it was obviously painted onto his face.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:05 pm
She had spent years looking at the face of her mate (though at this point she wasn't sure exactly how much longer she was going to spend looking at it attached to the rest of his body) and when he finally worked up the courage to turn around and look at her, she saw exactly what she had expected to see written all across his bright little mug. Guilt. It was clear in the way he was avoiding her gaze, in the way he stuttered over her name, and in the slight contortion of his facial mask. As much as he was trying to appear nonchalant, he was failing miserably. She knew right then, even if he didn't say it, that everything she heard was true - and some part of her was hurting miserably over that fact. The other part of her, however, the part that was raging blindly at her mate, only let that growl begin to seep out of her mug once more. She pushed down the stabbing feeling in her heart and took one solitary, slinking step towards him.
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't choke you to death," she hissed, her eyes flashing dangerously as she stared at him. He refused to look her in the eyes, but oh, she didn't need him to. Her son was no where near here, and without him, she didn't think there were any lions in the pride that would stand between her and her mate - hell, there probably weren't many lions in the pride that would be sad to see him gone. Her father would probably congratulate her for finally getting rid of him. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you for running around behind my back while I've been running myself to death to make sure this pride is safe enough for our children, Uumikaji." Oh, but the rage in her voice was fading, slowly, but not into pain - into ice. She was slipping away into her unfeeling shell, where the words to hurt him would just flow like water from her maw.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:58 pm
As she took one step toward him he felt himself shudder and he wanted to turn toward her, or crouch down to hide anything vital... maybe move a bit further away. Still, he remained frozen. The initial shock was over, but he didn't want to make any sudden movement with Syeira being this pissed off. He could feel his heart faintly and almost spastically thumping against his chest, his gaze flicking off of her for a second to see where they actually were. He'd already forgotten, his mind filled of horrible things that might be happening really soon. They jerked back toward her form though when he realized not many lions were ever in this area, and it probably wouldn't matter anyhow. He could hear the rumors now; Where you there? She finally killed that oaf.... I know, about time.. Oddly enough the thought sparked a bit of anger deep in his stomach, which only crept up toward his throat as his beloved began to speak again.
One good reason? Well if Uumi was being selfish here, and he often was, he could give several good reasons and the top one would be that she was overreacting and not being very fair! He could feel his body shift slightly and he was actually turning on her, the guilty look slowly fading from his eyes. "Make sure the pride is safe?" He repeated her words, almost spitting at her with them. That had done it, that had sparked his flaming temper. "Safe for our children?" He sneered, his tail twitching. Half of his brain was shouting at him to shut up, let her yell and get worn down and then beg for her forgiveness, explain how bad things had been lately. No, not for the first time something in him was overriding that function of his brain and he was speaking where he should be staying quiet.
"What the hell does it matter if the pride is safe if you're never around?" His voice was raising slightly as he said this, fuming because she was always off doing this or that for the pride and it all just sucked. Why had he ever even stayed in these cursed lands? That was the kind of thing he'd think about whenever he realized how often he was not around his mate. "And even in your free time, you're with him! Oh, is that 'keeping the pride safe' too Syeira? Doing it for the kids?" He was actually smart enough to start backing up though, his crimson gaze had finally met hers as he was able to push the guilt into the back of his mind again and focus on the anger. "I don't think the kids give a s**t about what you're doing for this pride... who watches them... not you." He was stuck with that s**t-a** job. "And safe... safe" He laughed bitterly, but he realized now he was just rambling because he did not want Syeira to begin speaking, knowing how stupid this action had been. "What the ******** would ever be threatening these lands? It's full of lazy gits anyhow.." He sneered.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:29 pm
Part of her was surprised as he initially began to speak, mostly because he had looked so guilty and terrified of her. The other part of her, however, realized that the anger in his voice meant that he felt justified by what he did - and that part of her would not forgive him for that. She let his words wash over her, digesting them in her brain, letting them roll over in her mind so that she could spit them back out at him like daggers. Oh, he would rue the day that he decided he could stand up to her on this - she would make sure he begged her for mercy before she was done with this. The rage in her heart was like burning fire, but her face was calming into that perfect, heart-breaking mask of ice. As he took a step back, she took one forward, never allowing the distance between them to grow. He wouldn't outrun her - he couldn't even if he tried.
"Don't try to justify your mistakes by implying that my innocent friendships are more than what they are," she said with a cold tone, her voice frigid, little more than a hissed peal of ice. Her eyes were narrowed on his fiery ones, never glancing away, barely blinking, all the while letting her body move forward in unison each time he took a shrinking step backwards. Oh, but she was a dangerous lioness, even if her face was calm. She probably looked more dangerous for that facade alone. "I sought solace in his companionship because he too saw what was happening to my pride, where you were content to whine at me about your own misfortunes of having to be here. I have run myself ragged and raw to make sure my home doesn't fall apart at the seems." She let a twisted smirk spread across her maw then, a cold laugh pealing from her lips. "You wouldn't know the loyalties to a home, though, would you, Uumikaji? You know only your own selfishness and your needs. You should look after your children because they are yours, not because your mate it simply too busy doing a million other things."
She knew she had not been the most attentive mother by far, but she had been there for her children when they had needed her. She was there when Jini needed advice, she was there when Haba had given birth, she was there, in a sense, to protect Damu as best she could. When it mattered, she was there for them. He was proving more and more to her that he was being more of a babysitter than he was a father, and though his stinging words did not miss her heart, they only enraged her more.
"This land is being threatened by itself, you fool," she hissed, teeth almost gritting before she could stop it. "My brothers and their lack of control, tossing the throne around. We could be raided any moment by rogues who think the land is pretty, or taken over by a pride member with a sense of grandeur." She sneered at him, narrowing her eyes, tail lashing. "Then our children would be in danger, and who would you be to protect them? You couldn't even protect yourself from me if I decided I didn't want to look at you anymore." No, she had been doing the right thing all along. She was making the lands strong from within, making it so that no one could hurt those she loved.
"I will continue to do this, I'm going to stay here and defend my pride, whether you go off to the comfort of your wench or not, but I'll have you know that I won't protect you anymore if my sacrifices are truly that hard to bear. So make your choice, Uumikaji, and I hope you run faster than my father does if she's that appealing to you." She sneered slightly at him, drawing herself up out of her hunch, though it was difficult to keep herself from clawing at the dirt or growling at him. She wanted to hit him badly, but she couldn't. She wanted to see him when he made that decision - and if he made the one that tore them apart, then she'd be damned if she'd take away the glory from her father. Hell, maybe she'd send someone to tell Denahi while she was at it.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 9:10 pm
Innocent Friendships? Of course it hadn't seemed that way to Uumi at all, from the very beginning. He truly believed that she'd been cheating on him first, but what kind of excuse was that really? So in a completely characteristic manner Uumi did what he did best, he changed his line of attack before he ever gave up. "Well wonderful that you spend all of your free time with innocent friends than your family.." He spat, but his voice had grown quiet once again. When he said family he really had meant himself, but he knew his a** was in deep enough to not come off... er... even more selfish than he already was appearing.
Uumi's face grew uglier and uglier with her words about that other male, how she compared he and that baffoon! And Even now, when his guilt was hidden by his anger, he still felt jealous. Jealous that she was speaking so highly of that p***k, speaking of him as if he was some innocent friend! Uumi didn't believe it for one second! Though he did doubt his own thoughts. But he couldn't accept it! If it was true he'd had no reason to turn to that voiceless female, to whine his problems to her all he wanted without one mean word about how he sucked as a mate or was lazy, or that he didn't care about his family. "I look after my children because I am told to." He sneered at her, trying to make a claim that it didn't bother him that he only did it for such a reason. Which was crap, he loved his kinds.. for the most part.. "What the hell can I do besides watch them Syeira?" Oh she was just uncovering all the things he hated about himself, the things he hid away in the back of his mind. "I can't play with them, I have no stories... the rest of this pride hates me... right.. real good choice for watching cubs. Mine or not." He snapped back at her.
He winced when she spoke of homes and something cracked through the shell of anger-- hurt. "I left my home for you.." He snarled at her, but he had to stop because he could feel another fit coming on. He was breathing deeply, a little haphazardly, and he had to break her gaze as he tried to calm down. As much as he'd made it look as though he'd left the pridelands with his twin sister to explore the world where had he come first? Here, where Syeira had been. Where he stayed... in this endless hellhole. Every day he felt more and more miserable here, because more and more Syeira had less time to spend with him. She was what made it bearable here; not his kids, not the scenery. Her. "You're right.." He said suddenly, though his voice was dripping in sarcasm. "Selfish, selfish Uumi, staying in these disgusting lands where I am looked down upon and laughed at with a mate who never has time for her ******** family, who cares if you are here or there for the important stuff." Oh gods, her childrens' births and crisis', who cared? Weren't they supposed to learn that on their own? "Selfish me for watching cubs I am terrified of, scared to death I'll do something wrong or scare them for life because good old pops is so dull. Daddy can't play any games.. yes, it's wonderful having kids who think so little of you Syeira. Children who see their mother always working and doing great and being a strong influence... and then here's father. He sits around all day, keeping an eye on them. Doesn't give good advice, sucks at telling stories. Hell, can't even get them food if they're hungry." Did he really think his children hated him that much, or was he just bullshitting?
"Who cares of loyalties of home when you should be being loyal to your-" But he stopped dead, realizing how fatal it could be to finish that sentence. He hadn't been loyal to his family though, had he? So he let the coughing spell he'd been holding back wash over him, trying to avoid the topic he'd just been foolhardy enough to go head first into.
Go off and comfort the wench? His wench? Did she realize how ridiculous she sounded, as if he was some attractive, fit lion that could keep hold of a mistress. As if he wanted to. This was breaking his heart... and it was his fault. And as always he was making it worse! "Your sacrifices?" He snapped back to what she was saying, though no longer did his voice carried anger. He sounded almost... helpless. "As if you do not enjoy playing the hero.." He sneered, his words very quiet. "I know you get tired and I am well aware of how much it stresses you out but I'd be damned if you didn't do that because you enjoyed it, forget that loyalty to your home crap.." He hissed slightly, eyebrows drawn down.
As she stood straight he started to panic. Gods she was serious, and seriously making him chose between the two when it really was no choice at all, he'd never leave Syeira even if he did such foolish things. "Syeira I love you.." He spat these words too though, as if he should be angry for what she was doing. "You haven't even considered what all of this time in the pride is like for me.. have you? No friends, no way to make myself useful... a bad role model.." He knew she'd just spit at him to change his ways, but it was what he knew and he was stubborn. "At first it was bearable because of you but more and more you would disappear for longer periods of time.. I think the longest I've seen you is when we were making those children, Syeira.." He sneered at this too, because as much as he enjoyed those pleasures half the time he felt disgusted with himself afterwards because of his poor breathing and well... he didn't want to go into details. "And just like you turned to that disgusting male for companionship... when I saw that.. When you.." He trailed off and shut his eyes, growling slightly. This was his fault, but not completely. "And I found my own sort of companionship." Now he was almost whispering, because he was afraid she really would leave him. "Someone who could take my bitching because she wasn't helping her pride all day. Someone I could at least pretend understood what I'd given up to be here, to be with you.." And it was funny, he'd talked so much about Syeira to the other female... "Things got complicated... but... for you to believe I would want anyone other than you.." He shook his head softly, staring her straight in the eye.
"Did it ever occur to you through how pissed and upset you must be feeling because of me... that she was my replacement for you?" But his eyes went wide because he realized how horribly that could be taken. "I needed to spend time with someone Syeira... you're always gone... always helping.. and when you're home and not with your friends you are too tired... you don't care... and I have nothing to talk about with you anyhow... I spend my days sitting and watching things.." Oh gods, oh gods.. he needed to start pulling himself up out of this hole.. "Do you know how often I wish I could hunt for you... or that I knew how to be a better father? How often I wished I felt comfortable enough here to be by your side... helping you... but you don't even speak of pride matters to me, because you believe I do not care... and truthfully I do not... but why should that matter?" Gods he couldn't do anything right.
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Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:52 pm
As his words washed over her, she felt the raw wound in her heart aching, throbbing violently in her chest as she tried to breath. For all she knew in that moment, she could have been the one that had a sickness, the one that couldn't do anything but fight for her breath. She had known all along how miserable he was here, but how was she supposed to change that? He had always said he was miserable in his homelands, miserable in the rogue lands - he was miserable everywhere. To know that he only found solace in her, when she was near, made her feel guilty in a time when she had no reason to feel guilty at all. There was no excuse for his disloyalty, there was no excuse for turning to someone else for what he had. Even though she knew that, she couldn't fight down wave after wave of guilt, and soon, despite her facade, she felt the hot, blinding tears trickling down out of the corners of her eyes. Her face never wavered, her eyes never softened, but it proved once and for all that the outward shell she always wore at this point was simply that - a shell. She hurt and ached inwardly as much as everyone else, she was made of flesh and blood, just like everyone else. She was in pain just like anyone else would be if they had come to realize that their mate had sought the company of someone else for this, for this.
"Your cubs love you," she said, cold, though it was clear that there was more effort put into steadying her voice now that the tears were leaving tracks in her fur. If she let her voice crack, she was well aware that her whole facade could come tumbling down with it, and she refused to be vulnerable - not for him, not for anyone, not ever. "It's your pessimism that makes you think you can't be the best father for them. You are setting yourself with handicaps and making it impossible to be the best that you can for them." She shook her head, staring at him with a long, hard gaze. She felt tired on the inside, as if she had had this argument a hundred times. She hadn't, really, but she had felt frustrated as she watched him with their cubs, watched him deny himself what he could do, what he could be for them. "If anything, their loyalties should be with you, above me. I protect them from afar Uumi, and though I know that, they don't. That is the sacrifice that I make, every day." She was sacrificing the affections of her cubs, the closeness, the bond, so that she could protect them in ways that no other mother could offer their cubs - she was protecting all the cubs, all the families, but with them in mind above all. "I have always needed you to be that for them, so that I could be what I had to. Do you know how much it hurts to not be able to be everything I can?" She tried, she tried so hard, but at the end of the day there was only so much time.
She sighed, shutting her eyes against the vision of her flaming prince, standing in the darkness. She had never cared that he was sick, or that he was sour. She had loved him for who he was. Somewhere along the way, though, her pride had become more important than him. It didn't excuse his actions, but she did know that he suffered, but what was she to do? She swallowed against the lump welling in her throat, trying to remember the last time she had to fight so hard to keep her composure. When was the last time she had cried? Her tears were flowing still, out of pain and frustration, a terrible combination that set her insides on fire. SHe let her eyes flash open again, meeting his, staring into his eyes, the fiery pools that she had always loved - still loved, even as they burned her with the reminder of what they had seen, whom they had longed for last. "I may not have been around as much as you would have liked me to be, Uumi, but I have been nothing but loyal to you." She surprised herself with the coldness, the lack of emotion, but she knew the emotion was there - she was fighting it down now. It was all or nothing, and she was choosing nothing. "I won't apologize for where I've been or what I've been doing, because it's not wrong. It was where I was needed. This pride has needed me more and more, and it needs me still, more than it.. ever has." She let out soft laugh, cold and without a lick of heart in it. "It needs you, as much as you hate it, and I was coming to tell you before I heard.." But she trailed off here, her jaw clenching as a fresh wash of tears poured down her toffee fur, and a deep breath filled her tortured lungs. It wasn't the time for this - she couldn't look at him without feeling pain yet.
"I know what it's been like for you here, though," she said, drawing herself out of the silence she had needed to recuperate from the memory of the hearing that lionesses' voice. In the back of her mind, she needed to remind herself to apologize to the poor thing - she was probably scared witless. Her eyes flashed back to Uumi, fierce, though like everything else with her now, probably nothing more than a mask to hide what she was truly feeling. "I know you have put no effort into trying to fit into these lands, that you have been sour and ungrateful for the welcome of my parents, or for the fact that my father is trying his damnedest to forgive you. I know you've made no effort to make any friends, and that you often choose to wallow in your own self-pity." Her maw twitched, thought it settled almost immediately - she was probably considering sneering at him. She, however, sighed and shook her head, as if she had given up. "I can't be everything for you, I can't be your mate, your friends, and your home. You have to find friends, you have to make peace with this land if you want it to be your home."
She paused here, the icy eyes sweeping over him, staring at his weak form - though she saw only that of her mate, whom she had loved, and continued to love despite how much it ached. "I can be your mate, Uumi, but not if you're going to.." she paused, drawing in a deep breath as she blinked past the tears. Her vision was blurred, but she forced herself to focus on his form as best she could, appearing as if she was hindered little at all. "But not if you're going to run off to the comfort of someone else every time your feelings get hurt," she finished, cold, though not with the bite that she was aiming for - it was getting lost in the heat of her tears. She needed a reprieve, she knew, or it was going to come down. She felt guilty and hurt at the same time, and angry that he could even make her feel guilty in the first place.
"If you think that being included in pride matters will bring us closer together, maybe you'll get your wish. Father has decided it's time for the Kusini to have a Queen," the words weren't proud like they had been before when her father had spoken, and she hated Uumi in that instant for making her not want the one thing she knew she could do for her land. "You won't have any choice but to be with me, then." It was true, though. He would no longer be a nanny, no longer required to baby sit the children, and though she would be in charge, he would be there for all the pride matters. It would give him what he wanted, more or less - but in that instant, the fact that she knew he would get that infuriated her. She still hadn't forgiven him for what he'd done, and she wouldn't, not for a long time yet.
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:44 pm
When he spotted the tears in her eyes, even with the odd pairing of her stone cold features, he felt immensely guilty of what he'd said. Gods it wasn't right whenever she cried... he could not even recall the last time he'd seen his mate with tears running down her cheeks. He desperately wanted to move forward, tell her not to cry and that he was a royal d**k for doing these sorts of things to her, but he couldn't. She was severely pissed at him and he was so confused how to make things right, which was probably why he was just making them worse. He stood there stunned, his brain slightly numb from what was going on. The anger had seeped away from him the instant he saw Syeira and how upset she was, no matter how much she was hiding it with her expression.
How could he explain to her that he was not the best father, he wasn't even a good lion to begin with. He was a little s**t, through and through. The whole affair had even proven that, and everyone was always quick enough in telling Syeira that. He often wondered if his mate held onto him for some minimal reason, something that had nothing to do with him at all. Perhaps because she held this certain power over him, owned him in a sense. And as she spoke of sacrifices the thoughts tickling the back of his brain were that of comparison, and if he'd ever really sacrificed something so great being here. Was he really so grand for staying here, trapped in these lands where his poor attitude made him no friends and many enemies? "You can be everything you want to be.. Sye.." He said, his voice very carefully. Gods he'd put himself on thin ice this time... hell he was half way to being drowned dead at this point. But if only she'd balance her life more... did she really have to use the greater portion of her time for this pride? He knew it was important to her, but Uumi had always been selfish and needy. Syeira had been the first lion to give him... give him a sense of worth, in a way. Well, if he was being honest he'd probably also say Kib had given him friendship long before he'd had what he had with Syeira.
Everything would be easier if she just acted on her anger.. hit him... beat him up.. yelled at him... something! But instead she took all of his words and just turned them against him, and he loved that about her even when he hesitated to admit it. She was amazingly intelligent and dignified and she often seemed selfless to Uumi, but at other times he thought that all she did for the pride... even when she said she did it for her family.. was her really doing something for herself. There was nothing wrong with that... sometimes he felt she was just better at hiding her selfishness better than many. Of course, he was probably wrong about that. He was wrong about everything all the time, it seemed sometimes.
"I'm sorry Syeira.. Im so sorry.." The words were nothing more than a soft breath in the slightly chilly night air, staring wide eyed at his mate. He should have said it from the start, he shouldn't have gotten angry with Syeira. Gods was he foolish! Blood and ashes... had he really though that she was with that other male... no, still... well how could he not think that when he thought so poorly of himself?
What need of him did this pride have? He still stood fast by what he'd always believed; he was next to worthless as a lion. He could not protect his family, he could not hunt, he often seemed to be emotionally retarded. The gods forbid anything ever happening to Syeira, or Uumi would be screwed. Bloody hell why hadn't he been thinking any of this when he'd passed over the boundaries of being friends with that lioness and being something more? How could he ever forgive himself for seeking what he was not getting from his mate in some other female... a female he didn't even know anything about! It wasn't as if she ever spoke on word to him... that in itself was making him feel disgusted. What was wrong with him? He was always saying I'm sorry but he was never trying to avoid his next mistake... and this one.. this one had been the worst of them all. How could he have done this, how?
He almost laughed at the mention of his welcome from her parents. He'd gotten on well enough with her mother- better than he got on with any lions, anyhow, but her father's welcome was more like a try and taking his life. He quickly shoved the thought out of his mind, feeling panicky that some signs of amusement would show through? How could he be amused at this! This could very well be the last time he ever saw Syeira, if she was smart about it. That was what he feared most... as smart as his mate was he often felt her very foolish for picking a fool like him. She was the one thing he had grasped onto in this life, the one thing that kept him from going out and getting killed from a wrong word to some burly male... or even a fit female. Syeira was his everything, but it seemed more now than ever this pride was her everything, or at least most important, and he couldn't stand that. He was easily jealous, hell he even got jealous when she spent more time with her children than she did him, but to be jealous at a piece of territory! "Why should I put in effort to make friends here?" His voice had grown desperate, but still quiet. "I didn't come here for them Syeira!" Couldn't she understand that she was really his only care in the world... and as sad as it was it wouldn't have even mattered to him if they'd only ever had Taabu. He loved his children, but no where near as much as he loved his mate. His love had turned to a sort of odd obsession somewhere down the path he walked, and he had no clue how to fix it. He had no clue how he'd ever tumbled off of that path either. "I don't... I don't need them.." But he was finally looking away from her, off toward the borders. He complained mostly because he didn't know what else to talk about. He didn't do anything interesting... he supposed he finally figured out why he should be making some sort of effort toward others in these lands. They would take his mind away from his mate, briefly... it would give him more to converse about if anything... but he didn't want to. She didn't quite realize just how much Uumi wanted to be by her side, and hers alone. But how could she when he went galavanting off with some young lioness?
Why couldn't she be everything to him? "Even if you can't... even if I do this s**t Syeira..." He was looking up, his voice quivering as though he might like to cry, but his eyes were dry. He was much to panicked and confused to cry, though the pain was clearly in his voice as well as the panick. "You may not be able to be everything to me Sye... but please believe me... please believe you are everything to me... you mean everything to me.." Oh how did he fix this? He couldn't even remember how to get angry at this situation or why he had been in the first place.
His brain halted on it's tracks the instant she began her last words. Queen? Her? No,nonono. No. He didn't want to be a king, he didn't want her to be away from him even more! Dammit, damn it all! Didn't she get it? Didn't she realize with everything he had done and everything he was saying it was an insane plea to get her to stay by his side, spend more time with him? Oh he'd done everything a**-backwards, but he didn't want this! He just wanted to be with her and... he thought the Kusini should go ******** themselves for all the problems the land seemed to create for him. His mouth worked slightly, but no words came just like earlier. He felt a fear almost greater than he ever had before, the thought of being put on a throne and told to sit nice. Of course, it was no where near the same level of the fear of losing his mate from being such an a** face. To say he did not have a choice... was she accepting him? Keeping him? Little hope fluttered in his heart, but it was barely alive before it was crushed again by the immense guilt. He did not deserve Syeira.
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:39 pm
It was probably a good thing that he chose to remain where he was instead of coming towards her. She didn't want comfort from him, or sympathy, she wanted him to sit still and feel guilty like he should. If he had touched her, she was sure her rage would have come boiling out of her like steam, erupting, and she wasn't sure what she would have done to him at that point. It wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see, she was sure of that, at least. She didn't want to hit him or beat him up, she had never been proud of the urge to be violent - that was Denahi's forte, not her own. She was level-headed and smart, known for her mind and the her ability to think through any situation. She wanted to be able to make him see what was wrong now, make him see that even though she had responsibilities, there was no need for him to have acted how he did. It was increasingly difficult each time the tears ran afresh down her face, but she was holding it together, for now. The fading rage in his voice, however, made it hard for her to be able to keep her edge - it made her want to give in, made her feel weary and tired. She fed off his anger in situations like this, and without it, it was hard to convince herself that the mask she kept was for the best.
"Don't apologize to me," she said, shaking her head suddenly and staring out at him with those cold eyes, her face a rigid mask that seemed so ready to break. Like thin ice, she was treading her emotions carefully, making sure this wasn't a fatal mistake on her part. "You can't apologize to me enough for what you did. Even if you mean it, even if you feel truly sorry for what you did, you still did it. I'll forgive you when I'm ready to, but not a moment before." It was the truth, honestly, and she knew it. There was nothing he could do to convince her that he felt terrible about what he had done, she wasn't even sure that she trusted his words now. What he did wasn't something she could forgive over night, something she wasn't sure she could forgive in weeks or months. She knew it would take time, and a lot of it, before she would ever forgive him for this - and even then, what would that forgiveness entail? She would forever be hurt by it, forever remember it, and nothing would ever be quite the same. She couldn't see the future and for now she didn't want to. Time would show her what she needed, and only time.
She sat very slowly, gracefully, onto her haunches and let her eyes drift down to the ground between them. She was frustrated with him, with his continuing insistence that he needed no one but her - that he would never need anyone but her. "Uumi, even if I were to be around more, I can never be everything for you. I have a family, not just the cubs, but my father and my siblings. I have friends, whether you can learn to accept that or not. I will not abandon them for you." Her eyes flashed up, anger seeping into the ice and setting them afire, staring at him. She loved him, more than life itself, more than her pride - though it was hard for her to show it when everything she loved was in such immediate danger. After all, he was in the pride, didn't he realize that she was protecting him too? "You need friends because it will balance out the time that I am gone and make things bearable. I'm asking you to try that because you won't be quite as miserable without me. Don't you realize that's almost what you.. did." She paused, gritting her teeth a little, and her eyes flashed away from him towards the stars above them. Goddess help her, but thinking of that still made her want to slit his throat. "You just went about it in all the wrong ways."
Her sigh then was weary, tired, and with a little edge of something to it. Pain or irritation, it was a fine line between the two and hard to guess at either. Her eyes glanced back at him, and though it was glaringly obvious that she was planning on keeping him around, it was also obvious that she wasn't sure how she felt about that right now. She couldn't bear to part with him, but she could barely look at him. "Father has asked me to be Queen, Uumi, and I am accepting that responsibility. That means you're going to be King, and if there's anything I've ever asked of you, I'm asking that you do this for me." It was clear, by the tone of her voice, that she thought he had little room to argue with her now. After what he had done, he owed her. If her father found out about these rumors, well, she was going to have to do some serious intervention between the pair of them. Just when she thought he was going to try and forgive the fiery prince for his past mistakes, too. What on earth would her mother have thought? She narrowed her eyes, slightly, watching his reaction. "You'll be around me more, if that makes any difference to you." With him being King, he would have to be included in all the information, even if he had little authority. It was clear, now, that she wasn't sure she wanted him around her too much right now.
Fate had a wicked sense of humor.
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:05 pm
He flinched slightly as she told him not to apologize and his gaze dropped to the ground, something of helplessness clear on his mug. It was all too clear to the fiery pridelands prince that he would very likely never be forgiven. Syeira would never trust him after betraying her so harshly, and probably never love him on the same level that she had before. He still could not fathom her holding onto him, keeping him as a mate, and some sick part of his mind was just waiting for the moment the deadly lioness would strike him down. But it had not come and many of her words hinted that he would be sticking around.
It was a very odd feeling which had entered his being at this time. He was both eternally grateful to any sort of higher being that had made Syeira give him yet another chance to redeem himself, thankful to her as well, but it conflicted greatly with the despair and guilt that was rolling around in his mind. And even in such a situation he was pitying himself, thinking himself the victim on some minimal level. He stayed silent as she continued telling him not to apologize- that he couldn't apologize for what he'd done and he couldn't agree more. She shouldn't be forgiving him in any part, but her will to keep him by her side was some form of forgiveness. Still, it would be a long time before things were even similar to before it'd happened. If ever.
He noticed movement as she sat and he realized how tense his muscles were, how tired both his body and mind were. He still stood though, he didn't dare sit. He was on trial here and he was sure such a thing would be very frowned upon on his mate's part. As she told him point blank she could never be everything to him all that he could think was what she was really saying was that He couldn't be everything to him. It was a slap in the face, one that he deserved, but one that broke his heart more than Syeira could know. Good, he deserved it. He must have broken her heart with what he'd done, and now he was just getting the words he deserved. He swallowed as she looked up at him and now he really could feel the tears welling up inside of him, but he tried his damnedest to hold them back. If anything he was not the one that deserved to cry, not the one who needed to release the pain. He needed to lock all of the hurt away inside him as a constant reminder of how lucky he was to have found such a lioness, how horrible he was to constantly be hurting such a lioness.
"Right, you're right." He breathed out once again, unable to know if she even wanted him to answer her. He could never be everything to her, and she wouldn't be everything to him, she was making it very clear. As she began to speak of royal matters once again he could feel his stomach twist in knots, almost as if his discomfort at that matter was separate from what was happening with he and Syeira. "I'll do it." These words were the quietest, but he was sure Syeira could hear them. He'd answered almost too quickly, in his desperate way to make it known he wanted to stick around, no matter how much she hated him right then and no matter of what he had to do to fix things. He would spend the rest of his life paying for this whole ordeal, probably.
Still, without Syeira he would probably be cast out by his own family, and with out anyone in the world close to him he would have no where else to belong or go to. His own twin sister hated his guts, he doubted his other siblings were fond of him. Syeira was his salvation, and if he ever did have to leave her side... if she'd kicked him out of the lands before she'd kill him he surely would have worn down and just died in the rogue lands himself.
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:11 pm
The tears on her cheeks had dried, leaving hard tracks in her fur and stinging eyes, but her vision was clearer now. She felt the pain and the fury being pushed back down, enveloped by the coldness once more. With him being so quiet, staring at her, it was easier to feel nothing, easier to pretend that this was happening to someone else other than to herself. She could see the pain in his eyes, and she could see him fighting back something - another fit? It wouldn't have surprised her, honestly, but in the void surrounding her heart and her mind, she couldn't find it in herself to care. She was simply hollow, too afraid to feel the raging emotions that were waiting to swallow her as soon as she fled this place. She knew that as soon as she was alone, in the peace of her solitude, that ocean was going to rip her apart. She could stand it alone, but not in his eyes, not where he could see her and see just how much pain he had caused. Was that for his benefit, or for hers?
She nodded as he agreed, though she wasn't sure if he would even put forth the effort. Everyone needed a balance, everyone, not just her. He was her mate and part of her family, but he couldn't be everything and she had never asked that of him. He had simply expected her to be everything for him, he had wanted all of her, and while that was flattering on some level, she knew that it was unhealthy for him - and for them. Sadly, she still couldn't quite find it in her to care at the moment. He was still probably hurting, aching, finding little ways to feel as if this wasn't all his fault, and maybe it wasn't. Maybe she could have prevented this if she had managed her time with him a little better - but that didn't make it hurt any less. In fact, it probably only made it hurt more. He had still done it, and at the end of the day, that was worse than anything she had done. She had never deserved this.
"Good," she said, her voice hard, cold, but again feeling more hollow than her voice had ever sounded in one of these predicaments. She pushed herself slowly to her feet again, finding how restless she was to be unsettling, and decided that there was little left that she actually wanted to say to him right now. She didn't want to look at him anymore, she didn't want to be near him anymore. She just wanted to get away, to anywhere, and be alone. "I'll see you at home, Uumi," she whispered, her voice edged with ice as she turned her back on him and began to head back into the forest from which she had sprung only a little while previous. Her tone seemed to suggest she probably wouldn't be home soon, or that even if she was, she really wasn't looking that forward to seeing him there. Without a backwards glance, she slipped through the underbrush.
She forced herself to walk far enough away, so that he wouldn't be able to hear her frenzy, before she picked up the pace and ran wherever her paws took her.
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 6:42 pm
After Syeira had turned to go he could feel panic licking at his mind, horror of this being all true and hurt because he'd made it all happen; he'd broken his own world, his whole world, so completely. He'd broken his mate's heart... he'd betrayed her trust... he could not really understand why he was alive right then, nor could he feel that thankful. It would have been a good night to die, a night where perhaps Syeira would not have to feel so much pain.
Oddly enough his mind flashed to all of the head games they had used to play when they were young... different than this, but similar. Sye had always been better at it than he, but it looked like this time he was the winner. It was a bitter and sickening thought and when the last of his mate had disappeared he felt his body crumple to the ground. "What have I done.." He whispered to himself, still looking shocked. It no longer mattered why he'd done it, just the fact he'd done it. In time, even if Syeira had found it in her heart to forgive him fully, would he be able to forgive himself?
He stared into the night and shut his eyes, coughing just slightly as he felt his own hot tears suddenly break past his eyes, dripping down his cheeks. He was not sure if he should come home to the den, but also did not know if it was a good thing to stay out of Syeira's sight for too long when she was expecting him there.
It took him a long time to gain control of his emotions, at least half way, before he was ready to head back to the den. And his children.... what would they say? His heart clenched painfully and he took a deep breath, letting it out. He could no longer think, his head felt blank. The only thought that occupied his mind right then was how to get back to the den, so he headed that way. He did not pay attention to his surroundings, or if anyone was around. It was almost as if he was a shell, containing nothing.
When he was at the entrance of he and Sye's home he hesitated, gently inhaling the scents. No fresh scents, it was still empty. He slipped in quietly anyhow, moving toward the back and seating himself. He stared down at his paws, strangely he was not tired even though his mind was exhausted. What was he to do, how could he fix this?- end -
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