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High-functioning Hellraiser
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 Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 1:13 am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.::Luminescent Fog::.
::Jazz'z Personal Journal::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Always be next to me my love. Don't let go of my hand. Don't leave, don't disappoint this love.
If you trust for your whole life time you can go on living even if you broke up with me.
My heart will never change if its with you, I will go anywhere
I'll love forever with you.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:30 pm
.::Jazz::. 
Gender: Male
Age: 20
Hair color: [Real] Blonde [Dyed] Purple
Eye Color: Purple
Height: 5'9
Weight: unknown. He never checks...
Orientation: Gay
Love interest Niraj <3
Personality:
Oh Jazz, such a lazy grumpy a**, yet energetic at the same time. I guess his personality depends on what mood you catch him in. He can be childish yet serious, energetic yet lazy, I swear he is like a girl on a permanent period, but that if for others to find out.
Jazz is a lover of Swiss rolls, his laptop, sleeping and looking for different clothing styles to make new outfits. Really, if you want to trap this guy just say you have a Swiss roll.
Likes: Swiss Rolls, Spicy Foods, Warm Weather, Dark Places, Loud Noises, His Comfort Zone [Erik], Bright Colors, Electric Purple, Rain.
Dislikes: Winter, Silence, locks, abuse, alcohol, Lilacs, Lilies, Subways, His parents.
Fears: Death of those close to him, decision making, displeasing others.
Favorites:
.:: Color : Electric Purple
.:: Times of Day : Twilight
.:: Number : 15
.:: Food : Kimbap
.:: Animal : Mongoose
.:: Item : Boxes
.:: Activity : Breaking out in to song and dance.
.:: Word : Bulgaria
.:: Place : Under Water
.:: Quote : "I'm Spinning while Falling Down."
Quote: "I don't really know...." , "I don't care or mind..."
Last Song Listened to: Spazz by N.E.R.D
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:36 pm
.::Family::.
::Father::
Jazz was never, and will never, be close to his father. The old man hated the boy and he returned the hatred. Even though Jazz hated his father he also feared him. He feared what he knew his father could do to him and knew he had no problem abusing Jazz if needed, or if not needed.
To escape his father Jazz would lock himself in his room 24/7 or sneak out to his God Father's place. If his father ever found out of his trips to his God Father's place Jazz would be yelled at and beaten.
The old man had a sick pleasure of playing with the boy's mind. Everything Jazz would do the man would question and continue questioning until the boy was hysterically confused and in tears. This soon made Jazz develop an everlasting feeling on uncertainty towards just abut everything.
Along with uncertainly his father is also link to his fear of making decisions and displeasing others.
::Mother::
Jazz's mother is no mother at all. She woman only took care of him until the age of 3 to 4. After that she erased Jazz from her memory and denied everything related to him saying the boy was not her son. She blamed Jazz for everything. For ruining her life and his father's.
The lady had no problem telling Jazz he ruined everything, that she did not love him or acknowledge him as her son. That he will never be cared for or loved by anyone. As a child her words stung him straight to him heart, but as he grew older they were just empty hollow words, and soon, he did not acknowledge the woman as his mother and claims he had no mother, which is why he never speaks of her since he has "No mother" to speak of.
::Brother::
One simple little word. Envy. Jazz down right envied his brother. His social life. How he had a social life. His Grade A relationship with their father and mother. Just about everything. In Jazz's eyes his brother was perfect and had everything, but Jazz never said anything or showed his envy.
The two had a nice brotherly relationship. They talked and played around and did brother stuff. Ny would sneak food, clothing and other items in to Jazz. He would take care of Jazz when he got sick, yet in a way they were never truly close.
Note: Ny is one year older than Jazz. True hair color is dark brown. Dyed Light blue.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:31 am
 .::Friends::.
::Erik::
Erik is my everything friend. We have been friends since forever, maybe even before we were even born. I just love him so much, in a friendly way of course. Yeah we have done things, not it, but things before, but we are strictly friends. Friends forever I say. Nothing will come between us! Nothing! I'm just happy to have Erik as my friend. He has always been by my side through everything. Ups and Downs. Left and Right. I just don't know how to express how much I appreciate him. <3
::Van::
What to say about this strange and weak boy. Van just amuses me to no end. He is so clumsy and amusing. He is seriously the nicest guy in the house. So caring and hard-working and hard to anger. Van has a true heart of gold. Though, sometimes it worries me about how kind he is. How he is open to everyone. I'm just worried it might bite him in the butt one day and he will get seriously hurt by his own kindness and openness.
....I love Van's cooking...SO good..
::Melinda::
She gave me a Swiss Roll. That is friendship enough! <3
We did have some small talk once or twice though.
::Turk::
This kid never ceases to amaze me. I mean one day he was so innocent. I let him out to go meet new people and he comes home telling me about drugs, sex and talking about a balloon which I know he was refereeing to a condom. He is still Turk though no matter how dirty minded he gets. He is like a little brother to me. I'm so freakin protective of this kid. Always babying him and taking care of him...
.::Acquaintances
::.
::Meth::
He is naked...pink...has a nice top hat....he is NAKED! Does a sash eve count as clothing?
::Herzer::
This kid freaks me out...
He tried to get in my pants to see my package! I mean, no privacy in this world anymore I guess. No restrictions. I wonder if I will ever run in to this kid again. If so I have to stay on my toes and protect myself.
He is cute though. Can't deny that. Cute, but evil and tainted...
::Julep::
She's a weird drunk that pops out during weird times and randomly.
.::Enemies::.
::Noah::
We have had some fights here and there…well, not Noah exactly, but his other side self…person. I don’t know.
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:33 am
.: razz ast Lovers::.
Lover number 1:
Jazz's first relationship was with a girl named Lilah. She was beautiful in Jazz's eyes. Long flowing lightish brown hair that sparkled. Her hair was as soft as the petal of a flower. She had nicely natural tanned skin and beautiful blue green eyes. She was just perfect in his eyes, though he knew everyone had their flaws no matter their looks, but he did not mind hers. Yes, she had a temper at time and was a wee bit clingy when they were around other girls, but he thought it was cute.
Things went well. Days turned in to weeks, weeks to months, months to a year. During that time not once did Jazz comment on her beauty, say he loved her or do anything besides small kisses on the cheek and hugs. It was then that Lilah confronted Jazz about it. Jazz did nothing but say he didn't know, but he did know. He was scared, scared that maybe she didn't really love him, that he could not please her and that even if he said such things, his words would be empty to her. He had tried to say those words to her, but whenever he tried his mind would wonder back to his father and how he wasn't good enough and could not please anyone.
In the end things ended between them and that was the end of Lilah. Months past, and Lilah died in a car crash, but Jazz had found someone new by then.
Lover 2:
Jazz did not know why he ran to Nate. Let alone why he would run to a guy...
One simple thing, Jazz just had to face that maybe he was gay, yet he never knew it, which meant he was Bi.
Jazz didn't think about it much though. His head was grieving from his lose of Lilah and Nate was his new comfort zone whether he liked it or not. He did whatever the man asked, all but doing it of course. He let Nate hold him, kiss him, at times touch him though Jazz was uncomfortable with it. He let Nate show him off like a trophy, treat him like some kind of pet. He let the "lover" yell at him, hit him, abuse him. Nothing mattered to Jazz. If he could make someone happy, if he could please them, it didn't matter then.
Like Lilah, Nate ended up leaving Jazz. He had grown tired of the boy and his refusal of not letting them do it. Last Jazz heard Nate had been murdered, but Jazz shed no tears for the guy.
After Math:
Jazz ended up running in to Erik after Nate left. Worried, Erik took the shattered boy in and took care of him. He sheltered him, gave him comfort and did what he could for Jazz. Luckily, it all worked out and slowly Jazz walked back in to the light.
Relations
Jazz's regret between Lilah and Nate have something is common. He regrets never saying anything. He regrets never saying he Loved Lilah, that he cared about her and he wanted to stay with her forever. He regrets never telling Nate to ******** off and leave him alone. He regrets never taking his chances as running away or saying anything to anyone about what was going on.
The regrets are linked to his need to please and fear of never pleasing anyone and opening hsi mouth to say anything.
Jazz made a promise to always say what he feels in fear of losing someone.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:34 am
.::Lies::.
Yes, everyone tells lies, even Jazz.
::Lovers::
Jazz never talks of Lilah, EVER. He does not Acknowelde her for the pure fear he will spiral back in to his black hole. For this reason he only says he has one past lover.
::Nate::
Yes, you may hear of Nate, but you will never hear the true side of the story. Jazz may say things were all good and they were in love, but wrong, it is a lie. Jazz does not want people to know what really happened.
::Family::
Yep, no, he did not have good relations with his parents, save maybe his brother and God Father.
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:42 am
.::Stuff and Toy Box::.
::His Room::
-enter Image Here-
::Favorite Place in Namiah Main Building::
-enter Image Here-
::Favorite Outfits::
-enter image here-
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:43 am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.::July 15th::.::She's Gone and Dead:: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One year, one regret, and I lose her for good. I knew at the time it was a mistake to tell Lilah that I had no idea why I never said those words to her. 3 simple words should be easy enough to say, but not for me. I try to say them, but each time I do I think of that man.
I shouldn't like those words to him. I shouldn't even bethinking about him at all. He's gone from y life. I don't live with him anymore. I don't see him anymore. I do still fear him and what he has done to me though. Even after running from him he still owns my mind even when it comes to my love.
Because of him I lost her. Because of my fear she is gone. She walked away and I didn't stop her. I didn't run after her. I didn't look at her or say I word. I just left her slip through my fingers like sand and it hurts.
It feels like my heart just shattered after she said it was done, over, broken up. It was like she just stomped on my heart and tossed it at my face. I know I should just move on, but I can't. I can't stop thinking bout her, about those words.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop grieving.
I should of told her how beautiful she is. How much I loved her. How I want to be with her forever and never let her go.
Now I can't and I will never get that chance...
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:13 am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.::September 21st::.::I'm as good as dead:: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I'm as good as dead." was my final thought about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I haven't though much or done much since the day Nate beat my one final time and left. Ha, good riddance. I never liked the jerk anyway. His words and "Love" were hollow to me anyway and so were mine to him.
I would have died. I should have died, but I didn't. I was found my Erik. He said I was lying in an alley way or something when he found me. Apparently I was lying in my own blood and it was raining. Oh, how ironic and dramatic. Like some kind of novel or movie scene.
Well. ever since then I have been living with Erik while he takes care of me. He is doing his best to get me to do...well anything. I haven just been lying in this bed and staring in to space and sleeping.
How pathetic.
I think I will make my comfort zone everything friend happy by getting out of bed and giving him an hug~
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Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:09 pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
.::Feb. 14th, 2008::.
::Such a Strange Boy He is::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is Valentine's Day. Not my most favorite holiday. I don't like all the mushy stuff and the need to 'love and share'. Love and share my a**. You can do that any day of the year, so why make a holiday out of it? Whay you going to show a person how much you love them today then ignore them the other 364 days of the year? Bull s**t to that.
At least something interesting happened today as I was dragged to the V-Day party. I might as well have made the best of it if I was being dragged there. Anyway, I met an interesting guy. He was very...how do I put it...energetic and happy. Not to mention he was cery cute. We talked a bit and danced. Then went out for cake. That was very random.
I don't know if I will ever see him again, but I hope so...maybe one day. I don't know.
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:24 pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.::June 23rd, 2008::.::~You Make Me Happy~:: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Just as I had hoped all that time ago. I ran in to Niraj again. Well, I "Found" him hiding from me and he was drunk, though he claimed to be sober and I guess I will believe him since he didn't seem drunk. Either that or he had a bad headache and a stumbling problem.
Whatever I was just happy to run in to him again. I have to admit it though, he was cute, even if he was drunk or sober.
We talked bout some random and deep stuff; Life, destiny, out me holding his hand made is seem like we are going out. That one, wasn't too sure about, but it was amusing.
I swear I am just so happy I got the chance to see him again. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he did brighten my day. He is just so energetic and amusing. Niraj is just...different in such a good way.
<3
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Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:23 am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.::July 15th, 2008::.::Just why?:: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I don't know why I can't let go of her or my thoughts of her. The day of our break up is coming and I am being so depressed and mope and I feel terrible about it when I am around Niraj. I want to let go. I really do, but I don't know how. I mean she was my first real true love who I hold guilt and regrets towards, but I have Niraj now and he makes me so happy. I mean, he puts me above and beyond cloud nine and the stars. I don't want to let my past get in the way of what I have now, so I'm going to have to find a way to let go for good. I just hope my depression doesn't get in the way of Niraj and I.
::Sometime around Midnight or 2 in the morning::
Went to a new bar today with Kevin and some new girl. It was alright until Erik shoved me in to a table and busted my head open. I'm still pissed at him even if it was an accident. A drunk accident which makes it worse.
Luckily Niraj came with two other people and fixd me up. Things turned a hard right when I saw the scars on his wrists. I didn't know what to say. I mean, what is there to say when you see something like that? I'm no mad, I'm a bit worried and scared, but I still love him all the same. The past is the past, right?
::Even Later::
"Sometimes even if your eyes are open you still can't see."
Oh damn my God Father for telling me that. I can't stop thinking about that line! What the heck does it mean and why am I even thinking about it!? I asked Van and Noah about it and they both told me the same effn thing!
"You are trying to look for something that has been sitting in front of you the whole time, but you are so blinded and distracted that you can't see it."
and
"It means that, even if your eyes are "Open" thay are really "Closed" to what is around you which is why you can't see what is around you. You are only looking at the surface things and you need to dig deeper to find what you want. You have to find a new way of "Looking" "
Oh someone just shoot me already...
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High-functioning Hellraiser
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