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 Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 6:42 pm
by Matt Pierce
I'd like to start this blog off with a bang, but I don't have any pictures of Mystique, so that bad one-liner will have to do. (It's gonna get a lot worse, folks! Send the children to bed early, and make sure pregnant women don't read this! It might damage the baby...you know, too much kick-assery entering the brain and all.) Before you start wondering what this blog is doing here, let me explain. EEW thought it would be a good idea to get an indy wrestler's perspective on their product. I'm not as marky as a fan, and I don't have corporate's d**k firmly rammed up my a** like someone on the contracted roster would. Or Chris Chaos. (Score: Matt 2, Guys Under Contract 0) Oh yeah, I'm keeping score now. Anyway, you're probably wondering who I am. I wrestle in New England under the name Matt Seraph (former heayvweight champion of my promotion, by the way), and I have been for four years. I've been in enough matches to know when I see a good one, and when I see a s**t one. The difference is, when The Inquisition's in it, it's s**t. (Matt 3, Guys Under Contract 0) I'm not gonna lie, I was chosen for this because I'm good friends with a relative of one of the Burn wrestlers. However, I'd like to point out that the fact that I have connections does not mean I suck. I mean, that's the case with Jed, but I'm the exception, not the rule. (Matt 4, Guys Under Contract 0)
Anyway, now on to the brand split. I didn't actually see One Night Stand, because like any college-age guy with a life, I was out actually having one. But I did see the brand split video on YouTube, so here's my impression. Now, apart from some stupid switch-the-last-letter-with-the-first-two-and-you-have-this-other-product's-name thing, we have Raw and Smackdown. Yeah. I said it. I'm not even going to call them Burn and Drown. They're Raw and Smackdown (SD because I'm lazy). We are officially WWE. Now all we need is a world champion who blows the boss's d**k. Oh, wait... (Matt 5, Guys Under Contract 0) So anyway, they wasted a great return. Daniel Cross, the freakin' Hollywood Hit Man, returns fighting bodyguards? The guy was dead for nine months! At least bring him back in a world title match, you asshelmets! Hell, I should GM Raw for a while. All the s**t would be off that show. I'd just trade the vixens to Smackdown! I've just stopped keeping score, because I'm that ******** awesome. But in all seriousness, I think we need more vixens who can wrestle matches. Tristianna and Mystique are great, and Damita's not too bad, but other than that, EEW's vixens division is a bit lacking in good talent. Just put Cartwright in there, he's missing his Y chromosome anyway. (Matt 6, Guys Under Contract 0)
In Conclusion:
- We're pretty much WWE now
- Smackdown got raped in the draft (just like WWE)
- The world champ is a homo (just like WWE)
- I'm ******** awesome (not like WWE)
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:56 pm
Dear Matt,
You're so full of yourself and you haven't even had a match in EEW yet! I hope EEWs wrestlers kick your a**! You're just some indy nobody whereas wrestlers like Chris Chaos and Jed are on the highest level going!
You suck!
From
Christopher Styles
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:48 pm
Dear Douchebag Who Will Never Acheive My Level Of Success And Overall Greatness And Should Be Thankful I Am Acknowledging His Existance:
If I were to wrestle in EEW, I'd do so well that all your heads would explode, so I'm considering your safety and well-being and that's why I'm blogging instead of winning gold. If you saw Smackdown this past week, then you saw a good friend and former tag team partner of mine, Alex James, debut under the name Christian Ray. We won five tag team titles in New England, and I have no doubt we'd win (at least) five more on Smackdown.
As for your claim that I "suck" (how original, I bet you heard that watching a Jarel match)[Matt 7, Guys Under Contract 0] I was a world champion at 17 years old. Where were Chris Chaos and Jed at 17? Probably whacking it to pitcures of cattle or whatever it is you losers do. I'd give you a bit more insight into just how great I am, but if I did your heart would stop. Oh, and by the way, if I sucked, you'd lose your night job, wouldn't you?
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Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 7:04 pm
Dear wannabe
In case you haven't realised it yet there's already a wrestler in EEW who goes by "Rated M" and that's drown's own Minion. My question is: ARE YOU THAT PATHETIC THAT YOU HAVE TO COPY MINION?! WTF WERE YOU THINKING?
Terry Jackson
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:46 am
Dear Terry Jackoff:
Minion's a p***y, and if I were to go to Smackdown for one night, well, I'd say I'd ******** his a** up, but he'd hear "********" and "a**" and get excited. (Matt 8, Guys Under Contract 0) Who the hell would want a minion as pathetic as that, anyway? France? Yeah, probably France.
Oh, and by the way, smartass, my original title for this blog was Rated-MF, but EEW.com objected to that being on the front page, so get your facts straight before you ******** with me.
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:21 pm
Dear Matt,
I'm a big Indy fan and I have watched you from the start with interest. I'm not going to insult you like the other two "fans", they can shove-off.
My questions are, is there anybody in EEW you respect? If not why are you doing a blog for them?
And similarly, who do you respect on the Indy circuit?
From
Melinda Hazel
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Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:56 pm
Dear Prince Bear in a Bra: So let me get this straight. You think Jed Doesn't suck? Quote: I'm not gonna lie, I was chosen for this because I'm good friends with a relative of one of the Burn wrestlers. However, I'd like to point out that the fact that I have connections does not mean I suck. I mean, that's the case with Jed, but I'm the exception, not the rule. I Think that Heel Should rotten in Hell. His gimmick Blows. I can't wait for you to come and finally kick his a**. From A Guy Under Contract.
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:35 am
Dear Melinda,
Nice to see somebody appreciates my work. As a matter of fact, there are a few guys in EEW that I do respect. Christian Ray, for one. Former tag team partner of mine, good for him that he got a Smackdown contract. Of course, I respect legends like Daniel Cross and Kelly King 2.0 as well. Hell, I marked out at One Night Stand because they both came to EEW that night. Well, I marked out as much as you can when you're watching it on Youtube.
There's a lot of great indy wrestlers in New England. Some of them won't make it this far, but a couple no-doubters in my mind are Samantha Lemeiux/Lyon (well, obviously, look who she's related to), James Blackheart, and Taichi Fukuda (but only if he gets entrance music sung in English, and an easier-to-pronounce name, like Bob. Bob Fukuda. Sounds ********' awesome to me.) James is a tough ********; the guy used to be a Marine! And not a John Cena marine, either. The real deal. He even uses CQC and s**t in his matches. (That's close quarters combat for all you dumbshits reading this.) Fukuda would've been good in ECW. He knows what he's doing with a weapon; take it from a guy who took six chair shots from him in a match before!
And to answer your other contract, I do this blog for the money. Matter of fact, that last reply was so long I should get overtime from Heyman for it.
Your hero,
Matt
----
Dear Guy Under Contract,
It's pretty obvious you don't know how to read, because that's pretty clearly a shot at Jed. I mean, I've had more world titles than he's had p***y, and I've only held one. I should start calling him Jed Carell, because he's the real 40-year-old virgin. (Matt 9, Contracts 0)
*pause for uncontrollable laughter*
Jed's gimmick does blow. In fact, it blows more than Damita. (Matt 10, Contracts 0) At some point I will be in WWE-uh, sorry, EEW- and I'll wipe the mat with Jed. And everyone else on the roster, for that matter. EEW Champion Matt Pierce. Sounds good, doesn't it?
Future EEW Champ,
Matt
Stay tuned for my next update, when I will (hopefully) cover the ANGEL X promo, review Burn and Drown, and tell you what sucked and what didn't in the land of not-quite-as-good-as-I-am I like to call EEW.
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:23 pm
(your a name dropper. xd ..Shame when Mortic tried that. He was sent back to OVW. and his gimmick was changed.Damn him running his mouth.)
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 6:40 am
Dear Matt,
You listed Kelly King 2.0 as one of the guys you respect. What did you think when he got pinned to the mat for the three count? Also, do you hope for a rematch between him and Joshua Danielson?
Yours truely,
Jacob MF-ing Anderson
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:11 pm
Mr. Pierce,
How dare you attack me verbally on your little computer. I hate the fact that you are a little ignorant p***k, much like all of EEW's fans, who wants to once again make fun of my association with the "former" and notice I put FORMER C5 stable. Not just that, I also see you're putting down my mentor Daniel Cross. I have a little idea. Since you want to be a lil b***h on your little internet, how about you come to the EEW arena and I'll be proud to kick your a** all over the arena. Now I may hate the fans, but I can't stand little ignorant pricks like you making fun of the "so-called" heels of this business.
Sincerely,
Chris Chaos
P.S.: ******** you, you little piece of s**t.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 12:58 pm
Jacob MF-ing Anderson (who obviously wants to be me...he did steal my ring name after all): I'd love to see Danielson and 2.0 go at it again...chances are I'll need a piss break during the next event. (Matt 11, Contracts 0) In all seriousness, though, that'd be a good feud to watch. Kelly King is probably as close as we'll get to another Benoit, with the added bonus of not being a murderer.
Chris Chaos: You think you're so important that I'd write a blog just to bash you? If you hadn't noticed,I've bashed at least eight other wrestlers, including Joshua Danielson, Jarel, and The Inquisition, who are faces. In case you're too retarded to read, I'm a former heavyweight champion. Are you? Didn't think so.
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Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:35 pm
Pierce,
What kind of ******** World title reign do you have? I don't see any ******** championship reigns on ur resume! As for me, I may not have the EEW Championship, but I do have the SWA World ******** You,
Chris Chaos.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:34 am
Chris Chaos: Well, I could go on a lengthy tirade about how much SWA sucks and how you should learn to read, but instead I'm just going to insult your intelligence. You're probably reading this and trying to figure out how to pronounce 'tirade'...I'll give you a hint: It's not 'tih-RAH-dee'.
At least I passed high school,
Matt
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Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 6:01 am
It's been a little while since I updated this, so I figured I'd give you people a new standard for blogging...again.
This week's Smackdown actually accomplished something no other show without me on the card has: not failing miserably. Of course, having two actually competent individuals like Kelly King and Jonathan Riker main-eventing didn't hurt. It actually made up for that shitty Inquisition match (but when is one of their matches not shitty?). Raw was eactly what you'd expect, except for Casey and Danzig both trying to abandon their partner in the handicap match, resulting in something so bad that the only way it could be made worse would be if Diego Alva was in the match. (Matt 12, Contracts 0) I mean, it was even worse than the Paris Hilton sex tape. You know, the one where you couldn't see s**t because hte video was grainy? Actually, come to think of it, not being able to see might have saved the match.
I promised you my take on ANGEL X, so here it is. I think ANGEL X is just a promotional device created by management to keep people watching and possibly get more PPV buys. Even with my superior intellect, I can't figure out the clues, and therefore ANGEL X must not exist.
Also, a little bit of personal news: I signed contracts with EWS and M1PW, so faggots like Chris Chaos who don't appreciate my obvious mastery of wrestling will be able to see it firsthand.
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Reply
