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 Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 12:17 pm
Shame.
Ainra, very much an innocent, was still aware that her actions with the God were possibly not the best course of action. What had she been thinking? Was it really worth it? Was it really worth putting herself through the shame of having that male...
She paused, caught herself against a rock and let herself crumple to the ground. A sob broke free from her maw, shuddering through her body. She had done it for the right reasons, right? She'd done it to help her sister. But what if, even after spending the night with him, she wasn't pregnant? What if she just felt dirty for no reason. Please, please let her be pregnant. Don't let this awful feeling be for nothing.
And yet, despite the fact that she knew her sister wouldn't be mad, it was three days before she was ready to return. Maybe it was her desire, or maybe it was the fact that the God was now far away. Either way, the colour he had dyed her fur with had gone, leaving her coat it's normal brown shade. But she'd never wanted her normal colour more than she did now.
She didn't want to remember!
So, down and miserable, she headed back towards Shisi's den, hoping that she hadn't off and left, thinking her dead.
Shisi was curled up outside of the den, her eyes upon the horizon, with the sound of playing cubs drifting out from the depths of the den behind her. As it was, she had been worried sick over her sister's disappearance, and had cursed herself for not being able to leave her cubs behind to go and search for Ainra. She had sent the leopardess out as long as she dared to search for her, but she needed her protection with Ainra gone, and the short searches ended up being useless.
As it was, with her eyes concentrated upon the world around her, Shisi saw her sister as she came into view. Her heart sped up the closer the female got, and once she was sure that it was indeed Ainra, a slow breath of relief passed her maw. She pushed herself to her feet and took a few steps away from the den, though her brow furrowed at the sight of her sister. She seemed worn, broken if you could call her that, but right now the only concern Shisi had was that she was finally home.
"Ainra," she called out, her tail lashing behind her in her impatience to have her sister back in the safety of her den. Ainra was her weakness, and with her back home, her mind could be put to more useful things. With her gone, she had been a useless fool.
Her sister's voice! Oh, she hadn't left! She was here after all, waiting! And of course she would be. She couldn't leave with all her cubs! Even still, Ainra felt a wash of relief and joy suffues her. Shisi's appearance had broken a little way through her grief, revealing hope behind.
And though the shame remained and the memory was like a sharp stab in the back of her mind, she felt that given time she'd be okay. Besides, she had done it for her sister and not only her, for those who would need protecting in the future.
"Oh, Sis!" She stumbled towards her and all but fell against her. "I'm sorry I was gone so long! Something happened, sis, something...and I...I couldn't come back, not straight away." Though already she was wondering why. She felt one hundred times better with Shisi beside her.
"I'm sorry." She blinekd up tearfully.
Shisi frowned at her sister's apologies, her brows furrowing as she tried to decide what was going on. She stood there for a few moments in silence, simply watching Ainra, unable to decide what she really needed to say to her. She didn't know what had happened, and the wrong thing could likely set her sister off. "It's alright," she said finally, her tail flickering, "you are grown, Ainra, and I am not your keeper. Whatever you do, you do because you feel it is right." She knew her sister looked up to her, did things for her, but Ainra did need to understand that she could think for herself at times. She needed guidance, but she didn't need a babysitter.
"So don't apologize, I'm sure that for whatever reason you were gone, you did it because you felt you had to. There is no shame in that," she said quietly, sitting down, nodding her head to invite her sister to sit at her side.
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:20 pm
She drew in a deep, shaky breath and after Shisi had finished speaking the story came blurting from her mouth, the words spilling so fast that she didn't even stop for breath.
"I went to find food. For you and the cubs. I went further than normal because I couldn't find anything and then I saw this hare and chased it but...it got away. So I looked up and then he was there, looking at me! He was just laying there like an everyday normal creature. I couldn't believe it! I thought maybe he was related to your God so I went up to him and then got caught up in a conversation. And then...then..." She faltered, looked up. "I wanted to help you sis, help you and the cubs and us...us to help people. I wanted to be more than just a huntress. I wanted to help properly for a change. I didn't mean it to happen though. He offered...he..." She swallowed.
Then after a second tears overflowed. "Oh, Shisi, I'm scared! Tiruan will be so mad. He told me that I had to choose a nice male. How can I go back if...if...if what I did with him made me pregnant!" Okay so the explanation was a bit jarbled, but it was pretty clear what had happened.
Shisi sat patiently as her sister expained her jarbled story, picking out the details that Ainra was tossing at her and trying to make sense of them. Related to her god? Shisi's brows furrowed at this as she tried to figure it out, but as the tears started to flow she took a deep breath, especially at the last words, as she realized just what had happened. Ainra had found her god after all.
On some level, she cursed herself for not preparing her sister for this more properly, for not explaining to her how the world worked. She could only assume that Ainra was ashamed because of what had happened, and given Ainra's innocent nature, that was not so surprising. She and Ainra were very different - she had known more or less what to expect, and there was not so much innocence left to her.
"Ainra, shh," she said quietly, in as much of a soothing tone as she could muster. "Tiruan can not be mad at you for your own choice. The world is not a land of fairy tales, there are not as many nice males as one would think. If you are pregnant, I will be here, and you will raise your cubs with my own and we will be all the family that they ever need." She nodded at her sister, leaning to nudge her cheek with her forehead. She had to be strong, she had to give Ainra strength. She could not do this if her sister broke down.
She sniffled, feeling all the more stronger for Shisi's support. It didn't take away the shame. That'd would probably always linger in her heart, always tug at her. Children or no children, the time with the God would not go away.
She snuggled against her sister's side, drawing comfort from the contact. They were very different, these two, but maybe that's why they got on so well.
"You're right. It's not like I'd be alone...I have you and you have me...we'll love the cubs more than any stupid boy could." She sniffled again.
Even still, a part of her hoped that she wasn't pregnant. She wasn't ready! She hadn't been thinking straight! She could hunt for Shisi but she couldn't do all the other things. She could play, yes, but what about everything else? She blinked back another prickle of tears and sighed.
"I wish life was a fairy tale, you know?" She murmured softly. "Then I could find a handsome, kindly boy who liked to play proper games like tag and we could be happy." She sighed. "But that won't happen, ever." She blinked.
"You know, I thought Gods were magical, that they were perfect. I don't think they are Shisi. I think they're worse than us. The only good thing about Gods is that they made saviours just like your little cubs."
The one good thing in this world.
The children born from mortal and deity.
"Men are meant to be strong, powerful, they are meant to take care of us. It is hard to find a man that can do that and still be morally intact. With power often comes a wicked taste for more of it." She flickered her tail, eyeing her sister slowly. She wasn't sure she liked her sister's ideal characteristics in a male, but at this point she wasn't sure it truly mattered so much.
"Whatever happens, I am here, Ainra," she said quietly, "as is Alfa. She may not be your sister, but she is here to help with our cause and is dedicated." She glanced around, wondering how long it would take the leopardess to get back from her hunt, but shrugged it off as she thought over her sister's predicament. She had no idea who this god was, this god that had brought such trouble to her sister's heart, but she could not hate him for it. God's did no wrong.
"You may feel ashamed of what happened Ainra, but always remember that gods are what guide us. They may falter, but they are never worse than us. We would perish at their paws if they so wished it. There would be nothing without them." She nudged her sister's cheek again, smiling weakly, "what they do for us, in the end, is for the best, even if we do not think so at the time."
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:12 pm
"Power..." She nodded. It made sense, everything her sister made sense. But even still, even though she wanted to have faith in the Gods to do what was right...after what had happened she was not so sure.
They messed with lives of those without wings, they played with them as if they were little cubs with no minds of their own. She wasn't mature or wise but she certainly wasn't a cub. At the very least she could hunt quite well.
But, these mistrusting thoughts would fade. They would fade the moment she gave birth and stared into the faces of her own cubs.
Not a God's cubs, but her cubs.
And, eventually she would come to realise that maybe some things were blessings in disguise.
"I think your God is probably better than the one I met, Shisi." She replied. "If I were to meet another, I'd like to meet him."
She smiled. "You guide me more than a God does, Shisi, but no matter what happens, I'll never leave you, nor Alfa either. I want to help you, more than anything."
She smiled at the thought of Dath being better than the god Ainra had met. She shrugged her shoulders lightly, turning her eyes to look upon Ainra. "I can't judge for myself, that's not my right, but if it is his wish one day to meet you then I am sure he will. He is strange in his wishes, though."
She smiled, flicking her tail, "I will always be here, Ainra. You will see, when the cubs are grown, we will be one big family. Nothing will come between us, and we will be everything any of us ever needed." She glanced up at the horizon, a smirk on her maw. "You will see, Ainra, I promise."
And Ainra had no doubt.
She would follow her sister to the end of the world if necessary. It was clear that through thick and thin she'd be there. Ainra was not smart nor strong but she was loyal and she had a fiercely loving heart. And there was no one more than Shisi and the cubs that took higher priority in her heart.
It would always be that way and Shisi would always come first.
Ainra wanted to help and so she would.
So, with a nod, the girl followed her sister's line of sight to the horizon.
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:32 pm
"One day," Shisi said quietly, her eyes concentrated upon the horizon, "you will see that everything was worth it. Right now, the horizon may be cloudy, the future may be shrouded in mist, but one day it will all become clear and I will show you that what we've done is what needed to be done." She narrowed her eyes, as if she could see something, "all we need is a little time."
She pushed herself slowly to her feet, glancing down to her sister, offering a weak smile. "Perhaps you should rest, I am sure you have come a long way, and your nephews and nieces all miss you terribly besides." She nodded her head towards the den for emphasis, her tail flickering behind her.
She didn't truly understand what Shisi was saying. Maybe she never would. All she knew was that she trusted her completely.
She rose onto her paws and turned towards the den, peering into the gloom. "Rest sounds good." She smiled. "I missed them too." And with a nod, she slipped gratefully into the den.
And somehow she knew she'd sleep easier with her family all around her. Protecting her.
Shisi took a moment to glance over her shoulder at the horizon once more, studying it as if it held the answers to their future, or perhaps could show her the face of the second god that had touched their family. Their lives were progressing so quickly, soon it would be time to begin their journies. With a soft smirk, she shook her head and made her way into the darkness after her sister, to the comfort of her family.
Soon, it would all begin soon.
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