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 Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:25 am
I was wondering if it'd be ok if I (and others) posted some of out pagan jokes on here.
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:27 am
Faey I was wondering if it'd be ok if I (and others) posted some of out pagan jokes on here.
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:37 am
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~Two. One to change it, one not to change it.
How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~None. The universe changes the light bulb & the Zen Master gets out of the way
How many Garnerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
~~~~~~~Can't say. It's oathbound.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Gardnerian?
~~~~~~~None, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
How many Alexandrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
~~~~~~~They ask the the Gardnerians.
How many ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~One; he stands still with the bulb, and the universe revolves around him.
How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~None. Crowley never wrote a book about it.
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb???
~~~~~~-None. they call the electrician who's also pagan and keeps the money in THEIR community.
How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~ None -- if a candle was good enough for Grandma, it's good enough for me!"
How many Dianics does it take to change a lightbulb?
~~~~~~~That's W-Y-M-Y-N and that's not funny!!!!
How many Dianacs does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~Only one, but that bulb has really got to want to change.
How many Asaratu does it take to change a lightbulb?
~~~~~~~None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient.
How many Druids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
~~~~~~~They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in stone circles.
How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
~~~~~~~Thirteen; one to hold the bulb, and twelve to drink enough to make the room spin.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician?
~~~~~Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian?
~~~~~~Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.
Q. What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A. Self-Cleaning Coven
Q. What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A. They worship the ground you walk on...
Q. What kind of furniture does a Goddess worshipper prefer?
A. Wicker
Q. Why did the Wiccan novitiate give up pork?
A. She thought the Rede said, "Chew what you will, but ham?--none."
Q. What's the difference between New Age and Pagan?
A. About $500.00 a weekend.
Q: What is a witch's favorite snack?
A: PAN pizza
Q: What's a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: SPELLing.
Q. What is one thing you never have to worry about?
A. Your airplane being hijacked by a group of radical Unitarians .
Q. How do you scare a UU (Unitarian Universalist) our of your neighborhood?
A. Burn a Question Mark on their lawn!
Q. How do you get a nun pregant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy.
Q: What do you call a dating club for unattached Wiccans?
A: Craft singles!
Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their macaroni plants to Israel?
Now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"
Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open!
Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!
The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework.
Please hold. All muses are busy right now, but your inspiration is important to us...
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."
The bumper sticker 'Dyslexics of the world Untie" -- it works
Please don't squeeze the shaman!
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk and Horny!
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"
A sign with a dagger on it in a bookstore: "Shoplifters will be merrily hacked to pieces!"
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
"I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to"
"Jesus is coming. Look Busy!"
"God Please save me from your followers"
"I have the body of a god: Buddha"
"Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely"
WASP...We Are Sexy Pagans
Witches do it in the moonlight
Practice safe hex
We're gardnerians...off with your clothes!
I'm doin my part to piss off the religious right.....r u??
Ankh if you love Isis!!
Did you hear, Easter is canceled this year........yeah, they found the body.
Another Catholic School joke: Sex is evil. Evil is sin. Sin is forgiven. So, sex is in.
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Jesus saves...but Gretsky catches the rebound! He shoots! HE SCOOORES!
Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!
A child's version of Easter: easter is when they crucified jesus, and put him in a cave. Three days later he rose again on easter sunday. When he came out of the cave, he got scared by his shadow, went back in, and they had 3 more months of winter!
"Mine eyes of seen the glory of the commin of the Lord he was ridin down the freeway in a red and yellow Ford with one hand on the throttle and the other on a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.
The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:38 am
Edit: Looks like some of these may have been posted by Ivy already, but I think there are some here that aren't.
Bumper Stickers With A Decidedly Pagan Flair
1. Get a taste for religion, Lick a Witch!
2. Best thing about Pagan friends? They worship the ground you walk on!
3. The Goddess is alive and she ate my homework.
4. The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living conservatives."
5. If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
6. Sign in a Wiccan Bookstore: "No Shoplifting! Offenders will be Possessed! Second-time Offenders will be Re-Possessed!"
7. Definition of Irish Diplomacy: The art of telling a man to go to hell, so that he actually looks forward to the trip.
8. Carpe Nocturnum: 'We get more done after 2 a.m. than most people do all day'
9. Sign posted at an Artist Cooperative shop: WARNING! Unattended children may be eaten by starving artists!
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
12. Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
13. I had my car's alignment checked. It's chaotic evil!
14. " I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures "
15. "Jesus is coming. Quick! Look busy!"
16. "God, please save me from your followers"
17. "I have the body of a god: Buddha"
18. "Jesus saves! By using double coupons & shopping wisely"
19. Sign on the wall at the Abyss in Easthampton, Mass., "Unattended children will be sold as slaves."
20. WASP: We Are Sexy Pagans
21. Witches do it in the moonlight
22. Practice safe hex
23. We're Gardnerians - Off with your clothes!!!
24. I'm doin my part to piss off the religious right.....R U??
25. Ankh if you love Isis!!
26. Did you hear? Easter is canceled this year - Yeah, they found the body!
27. "He is YOUR god - They are YOUR rules. YOU burn in Hell!"
28. "Sorry I wasn't in church last Sunday. I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian"
29. "I'm Pro-choice and I shoot back"
30. That was Zen; this is Tao.
31. Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:39 am
Signs that you may be a TechnoPagan:
* If your athame has a SCSI interface ...
* If your OBE's begin with a netsplit ...
* If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector ...
* If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95 ...
* If your altar has a keyboard ...
* If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation ...
* If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area ...
* If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number ...
* If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR) ...
* If you do cord magick with ethernet ...
* If you ritually down your server for Samhain ...
* If your altar cloth is a mouse pad ...
* If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in ...
* If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks ...
* If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float) ...
* If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over ...
* If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group ...
* If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command ...
* If your search for truth involves regular expressions ...
* If your familiar is a mouse ...
* If you draw down the moon using a light-pen ...
* If your cone of power has a surge suppressor ...
* If your tarot cards multi-task ...
* If your daemons collect news for you ...
* If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control ...
* If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone ...
* If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape ...
* If your favorite deity has a homepage ...
* If the address of your covenstead begins with http:// ...
* ... and finally, if your circle is a token ring ...
Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:42 am
This is something I grabbed of a mailing list at one point. Not exactly a joke, but humourous.
"I have a little tidbit of my own pagan humor to share from last december. I grew up in Jamaica and moved to canada when iwas a teenager. I also come from a long line of wiccans. Well last christmas my favorite aunt decided to come to canada for a visit and as my mother had recently passed she decided to bring me the family broom which is over 2hundred years old. As you can imagine she had a bit of difficulty in getting it onto the plane and when she was asked to store it under the plae with the rest of the luggage. She smiled at the person and told them that with the recent terrorist attacks she had to bring it on the plane with her in case she needed an alternate form of transportation in case the plane went down.
i smile every time just thinking about the crews reaction when they heard why she brought a broom onto the plane."
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 12:55 am
A young witch was sitting on a swing in her garden. She was favored by the Goddess, and had many conversations with her. On that bright and cheerful day, she said to the Goddess: "Dear beautiful and gracious Goddess, I have a silly question to ask of you. In your perspective, how long is a thousand years?" she asked. The goddess, who was completely surprised at this simple question considered it and then answered. "Well, in my perspective, a thousand years is a second." The young witch was completely baffled. "Wow, that is amazing. Well Goddess, in your perspective, how much is a penny?" Again the Goddess thought and then replied: "In my perspective, a penny is a million dollars." The young witch was taken aback by this answer. "That is a lot. Ummm....Goddess, can I borrow a penny?" she asked. "Sure! just a second!!"
More Jokes
Q & A's
Q: How many Asatruar "Nordic pagans" does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, the light from the burning monestaries is quite enough.
Q: How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I can't say. It's oathbound.
Q: How many (hereditary) witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None ... if a candle was good enough for Gramma, it's good enough for me!
Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A: They worship the ground you walk on.
Q: Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall.
Q: Why was the witch thrown out of school?
A: She couldn't learn to spell.
Q: What's a cold, evil candle called?
A: The wicked wick of the north.
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
A: You hear the broom boom.
Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
A: By witchful thinking.
Bumper stickers and other one-liners
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
God, protect me from your followers!
SAINT: a dead liberal worshipped by living conservatives.
***ERROR #666 HARD DRIVE POSESSED! Load EXOR.SYS (Y/N)***
Religious freedom means ANY religion (Pentacle)
Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind
My other car is a broom (Broom w/Stars)
Witches do it in circles
Druids do it in Stone Circles
God is Coming AND IS SHE EVER PISSED!
Where's The Messiah When You Need HER?
(Nativity Scene) IT'S A GIRL!
Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!
Howl To Hecate
I drink from Cerridwen's Cauldron
My God's Is Always Horny
Have you confused a Christian today?
Halloween, a pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Association
"You gotta love this place. Every day's like Halloween." - Mulder
On the Nature of the Universe
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Ten Ways To Piss Off A Pagan
1.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
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Posted: Mon Aug 02, 2004 9:37 pm
lol ....
Ten Ways To Piss Off A Pagan
1.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!) lol
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look. I hate that, my friends do that
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife. My dad trys to do that
6.Witness to them about the "true religion". My brother does that
7.Untie the knots in their cord. lol... that would just suck
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look. lol...I think people are afriad to come near me because I bite
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards. Muahahahaha, my mom hate me for that, well she would but she wont even let me see her deck
10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers. ugh
11. put pages from a satanic bible in there BOS...hehehhehe
12. tell them magic is not real
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Posted: Thu Aug 12, 2004 9:09 pm
lolz whee whee sooo funny!
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Posted: Sat Dec 18, 2004 5:15 pm
i know this is old but i remembered my fav. religious joke of all time
ok here goes:
a plane is about to crash and theres one less parachute than passagers, so they draw straws, and A women (we'll call her bonnie) gets the short one
the last guy off the plane says" tuff luck kid, try praying"
so he leaves and she sits down and says" you know Buhdda, i know i haven't been a very good Buhdist, but i promise if you save me now, i'll be better"
so she hears this voice all around her saying " trust me! JUMP"
so she does, and instead of dying, she lands in a giant green hand
she shouts " Thank God"
and the hand flips over dumping her
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'
sry
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Posted: Fri Dec 24, 2004 8:56 am
hahaha I like that one. xd
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 3:45 pm
oh gosh, ya guys are horrible ^_^ lol xd
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2004 5:13 pm
lonewolfeyes oh gosh, ya guys are horrible ^_^ lol xd
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 4:36 pm
Ivy_tsuki lonewolfeyes oh gosh, ya guys are horrible ^_^ lol xd Always a good thing.
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2004 4:57 pm
DramaticaBrightside Ivy_tsuki lonewolfeyes oh gosh, ya guys are horrible ^_^ lol xd Always a good thing.
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