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 Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:12 am
DISCLAIMER! this story is a murder mystery of sorts. it has graphic violence and very intense language. anyone sensitive to these things should close this story now. now that we have that out of the way, and those of you with strong stomachs and mature vocabulary are left, let's continue on. i'm writing this story from an outline i've done a couple years ago. i attempted to write this back then, but it turned out horribly and i threw the original copy away. but the concept has continued to haunt me to this day. constructive criticizm is appreciated, but please bear in mind, this is my first actual story i've written and in all honesty, i'm not quite a master of vocabulary. and with the first two posts coming so close together, i must tell you that i am also posting this story in another guild i'm in.
all the areas depicted in this story are real. this is based in my home town of erie, pennsylvania. the events and storyline, however, are fictional yet possible. now that the introductions are over, enjoy the madness that is my mind.
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Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 4:13 am
chapter 1... Jane Doe
Ring Ring... Ring Ring. Robert Jacobs reached for the cellphone sitting on the nightstand by his bed, knocking it on the floor in the process. "Goddamnit," he said wearily as he fumbled around on the floor trying to find it before his hand wrapped around the vibrating and ringing phone. He flipped it open, held it to his ear and in a hoarse voice, answered it. "Detective Jacobs," he muttered, his voice filled with weariness. "Detective, this is Patrolman Johnson. We need you to come down to the Wintergreen Gorge cemetary right away. It's happened again," the voice on the other end of the phone replied. Still groggy, Robert swung his long legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. "What time is it?" he asked, stretching and rubbing his eyes. There was a short pause, then Johnson replied, "it's 3:30 am, sir." Detective Jacobs shook his head. Ever since these murders started happening, his sleep gets disrupted earlier and earlier with each body discovered. He sighed and said," give me 20 minutes," and flipped the phone shut. He stretched his tall muscular frame and picked up the clothes laying on the floor.
Twenty- seven minutes later, a cup of coffee in hand, Detective Robert Jacobs made his way through the barricade, flashing his Pennsylvania State Police badge at the officer guarding the crime scene. "What do we got?" Jacobs asked as he sipped the steaming beverage. Patrolman William Johnson, a rookie on the police force, walked up to him. His face looked pale. "Sir, it's the same pattern as the last two we've found. This one is a caucasian female, I'm guessing early twenties by her body. Her head and hands are both missing from her body and her abdomen is sliced wide open. Her organs are scattered all around her, all in the same pattern as the last victims," he said as he choked back the gagging sensation. Jacobs frowned. He's been working 18 hour days for the past month, trying to figure out where this monster is going to wind up next and is still no further than where he started. He walked over to the victim and lifted the sheet to peer under it. The bile climbed into the back of his throat but he swallowed it back. "Twenty-one ******** years on the force, and you never get used to this kind of s**t," he muttered under his breath. "We're gonna find this sonofabitch, and that's a promise," he said to the corpse.
"Who found her?" Jacobs asked the patrolman at the barricade, covering the victim again. "Three teenage boys," the cop replied to the detective. "We found marijuana on them and they're in custody as we speak." Jacobs sighed. "Things are so much different now than when I was a kid," he thought to himself with disgust. "I'm gonna go question them. You guys get the coroner here pronto. I don't want his brain dead assistant ******** up another autopsy. And scour the crime scene. This mother ******** has to leave something behind. Nobody is this meticulous with this kind of crime as to not leave a trace of himself. Find me something. A hair, a thread, even a ******** footprint! And for ******** sake, keep the press out of this one! The last thing we need is a widespread panic!" he belted out to the men standing around the crime scene as he walked back to his car.
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Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:51 pm
Gruesome!
I look forward to see where this is going. I was never very good at mysteries myself, but I enjoy reading them.
One suggestion I'd make is to start a new paragraph when a different person starts a line of dialogue. It makes things easier to read
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:02 am
chapter 2... A Message for JacobsDetective Jacobs kicked open the door leading to the Crime Scene unit. He stood there, coffee in his right hand and a copy of the Erie Times folded under his left arm. "Alright, which of you knuckleheaded ******** leaked this to the news?" he bellowed as he set his coffee down and held up the paper. "This ******** story made front page news! Listen to this headline, 'Butcher Strikes Again!' Didn't I say keep the media out of this? Now I got all the local stations, CNN, AND the Associated Press calling my damn cell asking me questions. Good job, you bunch of half-witted assholes," he yelled as he threw the paper in the trash can next to a vacant desk. "Now, if I get any calls, tell them that I'm out for the day. Unless it's about the case, then for God's sake, get a trace on them. Anyone's a suspect! Ihave to prepare a statement for a press conference at 11, then i want to look over some of the evidence. Any word yet from the lab on the stuff you guys found?" he said as he started calming down, the veins in his massive neck starting to shrink back to normal. After a few minutes of akward silence, Jacobs said in an aggravated tone, "well?" A young officer by the name of Jonathan Williams looked up at the detective. He stammered for a moment, then cleared his throat and said, "nothing's come in yet, but this letter was sent to you earlier this morning. No return address, and the sending address is typed. We had it scanned and there's nothing malicious in it," he said. Jacobs smirked at the word 'malicious' and said, much louder than needed, "well.. at least someone is doing their job around here. Give me word as soon as the coroner calls or we get a call from the lab." He grabs the letter out of the young cop's hand and heads into his office, slamming the door behind him. As Detective Robert Jacobs sat in his chair by his desk, he put on rubber gloves and ripped open the envelope. In it was one page of computer paper with a short message on it written in red ink. He put on his reading glasses and read it aloud. Greetings Detective. Since you're reading this, it means that I've committed another murder. I bet you are no closer to finding me now than you were after the first one. It's just a matter of time until I can't control my urges and do it again. Jacobs took off his glasses and rubbed eyes. He stood up and opened the door. He looked at the officer that handed him the note and asked quietly," can i have an evidence bag? This is from the killer. I need it analyzed." Upon recieving the evidence bag, he put the letter and envelope in it and sealed it. "I'm gonna go interview those teenagers now. I'll deliver this to the lab on the way," he said to the few officers in the room. He walked through the rows of desks cluttered with various papers and pictures of different families, headed out the door and walked down the hall.
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:03 am
Headhunter Gruesome! I look forward to see where this is going. I was never very good at mysteries myself, but I enjoy reading them. One suggestion I'd make is to start a new paragraph when a different person starts a line of dialogue. It makes things easier to read thanks man. i'm still kinda new to the whole writing thing. i'll keep that in mind on the next chapter.
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 2:18 pm
I am loving it so far, Buick. :p It reminds me of a modern day Jack the Ripper case without the prostitutes, at least from what you have posted at this point obviously. Who knows how all the victims will be tied together in the end, assuming your murderer is not killing at random of course. For all we know as readers, it could be multiple perpetrators. sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:53 pm
Brief yet dead on (pun unintentional). I like it. Now I do say as a reader I'm curious if the letter is really from the killer or not-- given the murders have been publicized.
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Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:04 am
patience... we will get to that.... just give it time... still trying to work out some kinks for the next bit. look for it sometime later this week.
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 2:58 am
I like it! Anxiously awaiting to read more mrgreen
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Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 1:11 am
and i'd post more if it weren't for this damnable writer's block i have seemed to aquire.
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Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:06 pm
Super Buick and i'd post more if it weren't for this damnable writer's block i have seemed to aquire. It will come to you, most likely when you least expect it.
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:46 pm
Super Buick and i'd post more if it weren't for this damnable writer's block i have seemed to aquire. I hate writer's block. What helps me get over it is reading... Grab a new novel, and maybe that'll help?
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 9:04 am
EmilyScissorhands Super Buick and i'd post more if it weren't for this damnable writer's block i have seemed to aquire. I hate writer's block. What helps me get over it is reading... Grab a new novel, and maybe that'll help? i've been reading james patterson's alex cross novels. hopefully those will get the creative juices flowing again.
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