|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 5:41 pm
I keep wanting to say how I've been feeling about this upcoming holiday, but it seemed that whenever my resolve comes...it goes away even faster I don't want to burden my already troubled parents with this so I thought maybe saying online how I've been feeling lately will help.
This year I will celebrating Chanukah without my older brother and grandfather for the first time in 22 years. it;s not because my brother moved away either I wish that were the case but sadly it isn't . My Brother was found dead in his apartment September 25 2007, what makes it worse it that I nor any member of my family was allowed to see him because of the decay, and possibly the worse of it all I have no clue how he died. His funeral alone was a nightmare, the autopsy people wouldn't release the body nor could they forensically identify him as my brother, my dad had to fight to get his body released, and we buried him in New York, Long Island but getting him there was a problem they wouldn't let him on the plain cause he was starting to smell, they drove him over night to New York.
What I'm trying to say is, this was my brother's favorite holiday, and it right now trying to be happy makes me feel so empty inside and I really want to cry when I think about not seeing my stupid big brother coming into the house asking for his presents...
Telling my parents this they just say it's all right and get upset and I don't want to do that to them, it far worse for them then me.
My mother the worst this year alone she lost on her birthday her uncle and two weeks later her father (my only grandfather) It's hurt to trouble them
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:08 am
Okay I'm new here. And I said I'd lurk. But I can't shut my big mouth. Sorry! (Predictable, I suppose.)
First things first.... you need some guilt-free, good quality support. Please contact either your physician, your rabbi or, if you don't have either one, look up your local hospital. In either case, call them up and ask to be put in touch with a local grief/loss support group. Every decent hospital has one, because, like it or not, people are dying every day, and those left in the world have a hard time of it. Those groups are almost always free. The grief/loss support groups are staffed by people who know how to give you healthy coping tools, and help you connect with others who are dealing with similar issues at the same time so that you don't feel so alone. (And you are not alone.) My understanding is that age is not a barrier. PLEASE DO THIS. It's important. You clearly love your brother. Do it for the sake of his memory, so that it can become a blessing for you. I am sure the good people of this forum will do all they can for you to help you, but it is no substitute for getting quality help specifically designed to meet your needs.
As for dealing with the immediate situation of chanukah... well, I lost my grandfather 10 years ago this January. He acted as my father, so my grief was and is great. I miss him deeply, but I have learned to cope with it. And I regularly (actually daily, come to think of it) do things in honor of him. It sometimes brings me pain, but more often than not, it brings me joy. Because I think of it as him still having a hand in the healing of the world because I do things in his memory. I guess that sounds cheesy. I dunno. But you will find ways ... some little, some big ... to make sure your brother and your grandfather's good influence remains potent in this world, as long as you act in their memory. Lighting the candles is a mitzvah. Rack it up for them. Maybe buy a present for your brother (if it is not too painful) and donate it to charity in his honor - the merit will be shared by the two of you, linking you once again. And maybe it is still too soon, and that is okay too. These ideas will keep for another year.
I hope that helps you, although I realize fully it may not, or may seem like a pittance.
You have my sincere sympathy.
Fido
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 6:59 am
Fido
I do appreciate the advice and maybe finding support is what I should do, I'm just so unsure of what to do, my head is so jumbled theres grief support at my work place maybe when I go in tomorrow I'll look it up instead of ignoring it. this morning alone I just realized I went through a whole box of tissues from all my crying, I don't want to cry anymore.
I don't think I'm strong enough to buy a present in his name, not yet at least, my Father donated his car to a needy family in his name and the company that he works for brought in Israel a whole forest of trees pretty much in Danny's *My brother* name and even my Mother's co-worker brought a circle of Trees in his honor. That seems to tiny to anything I would do, maybe I'll make myself a new tradition and next year buy a tree in Israel. The sad thing is we were never close he made is hard to do that, he wasn't always the nicest or honest person you'd ever met, he stole from everyone in the family myself included and is pretty much most of my memory of him and it saddens me too that he never learned a valuable lesion in life.
Rabbit-Chan
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 8:07 am
I'm going to second the finding support suggestion. I can't say as I know you well enough to give any advice beyond that, since we all grieve differently. Good luck, though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:01 am
I give look into it at work
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 3:08 pm
Go to the community forum, and look up the one I wrote that says "Caution, May cause depression."
Yep, I've been down that road too... I don't like going into details too much, but I can offer this for a suggestion.
Find Closure.
You need to find a way to say goodbye, or else, you will become like me.
Haunted by the past.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 6:55 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 6:05 am
I cannot even imagine the depth of pain you must be feeling. I am so very, very sorry for this horrible loss for you and the rest of your family. The advice that others have given thus far is exactly what I'd have suggested doing, so I won't repeat what they've already said so well.
I would add, though, that there is another resource for you, as a Jew. Have you considered approaching your rabbi and asking his/her help in saying the kaddish for your brother? While this prayer never specifically mentions death, it is considered to be said in the merit of the deceased, counting towards their good deeds as well as yours, because they have inspired you to learn the prayer and to say it with a community. Community is what you should have right now, and will get, if you go to synagogue and say the mourner's kaddish. Everyone there will know that you've lost someone, and they'll be inclined to support you, speak with you, let you express your grief and talk about the brother that you loved so much. It's very healing, to go through the kaddish-saying process and to receive the support of your community.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Eloquent Conversationalist
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 7:11 pm
I've tried to seek help...but so far I really feel empty still, tomorrow is the first night. I haven't found any closer. Maybe if I knew how he died it would feel something, but right now maybe I'm not meant to feel joy this year
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 11:56 am
I usually find music as my source of health and healing when I deal with the past.
Flogging Molly is a good start
I've always liked "If I ever leave this world alive." It makes me think of her, but in a good way. look yup the song on Youtube.
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll thank for all the things you did in my life.
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll come back down and sit beside your feet tonight.
Wherever I am you'll always be
More than just a memory
If I ever leave this world alive
If I ever leave this world alive
I'll take on all the sadness that I left behind
If I ever leave this world alive
The madness that you feel will soon subside
So in a word don't shed a tear
I'll be here when it all gets weird
If I ever leave this world alive
So when in doubt just call my name
Just before you go insane
If I ever leave this world
Hey I may never leave this world
But if I ever leave this world alive
She says
I'm okay; I'm alright,
Though you have gone from my life
You said that it would,
Now everything should be all right
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 1:44 pm
You will not see instantaneous results from seeking help. It will take months at the least for that to kick in. But think of it this way... those months will pass whether you seek help or not, and so you might as well put in the time and effort to seek help, so that in the end you have something to show for the passage of time. The fact that you have taken that first step is a good thing - and that righteous act of self-help should be celebrated even if you cannot celebrate any progress on your feelings.
You may need to come to accept that this year is a wash. That's okay. There will be other years. But I do like the advice that the Dear Abby column has been dishing out lately. She says that if you are feeling blue this holiday season, arrange to spend some time doing charity work. Not only will you be doing a good deed (in your brother's name as well as your own), but you will also be given the opportunity to interact with others in a positive way, and finally it can help you to appreciate the good things in your life that you do still have. Stay embedded in the world, and do good things.
I will think of you as I light the candles tonight.
Stay well,
Fido
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
