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 Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 10:46 pm
I wrote this a little bit ago, be honest with what you think =]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I won't.
I will always miss you, but I will never again catch myself caught up on you.
I won't.
Never again will I wonder what life will be like without you.
I won't.
Never again will I hear your name and immeditaly think about you.
I won't.
Never again will I see your face in my dreams.
I won't.
Never again will I see you in crowds of people, and immediately notice you.
I won't.
Never again will I be reminded of you.
I won't.
Never again will you take over my life.
I won't.
Never again will I concentrate on you, and only you.
I won't.
Never again will I sit, bored in class thinking about you.
I won't.
Never again will you be the only thing on my mind.
I won't.
Nope.
No way.
Never again.
I won't.
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Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 8:10 pm
Pretty good =)
Although it's just a tad "generically heartbroken" for my liking, I like the repetative theme running throughout, and the way you make it sound as if she really wants to be doing these things, but knows that they're hurting her so she can't do it to herself anymore.
Almost like she's faced with a final decision of him over her and she's chosen herself.
(Of course, I'm just assuming the persona in the poem is a female to make things easier to type without a million theys and he/shes.)
Just a couple of tiny points!
"I will always miss you, but I will never again catch myself caught up on you."
'Catch' and 'caught' in the same sentence sounds a little clumsy to read, you might want to change it to 'find myself caught up on you' or something like that.
Also, there's a spelling mistake in the third, "Never again" line - Immediately. =)
Finally, I really, really like the line "Never again will you take over my life". I think it would have more impact upon the reader if that line was swapped with "Never again will you be the only thing on my mind" so that the last repetative gesture is something really harsh and forward.
It's a great poem, keep up the good work!
<3
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