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 Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 9:17 pm
He was staring up at the stars, slowly twinkling. Damn, how could this happen? How could his sister could have died, over a small pendon?
'He' was a Lieutenant of the police force. Lieutenant Pigzy, but people in the station called him 'The Pig'. A very stereotypical name, but nonetheless, he learned to live with it.
A bell slowly ringing in the Museum of Natural History in New York, in the Ancient Egyptian section, showed that somebody broke in and stole something. Sandra Pigzy was wearing her security badge, pointing the barrel at a stranger in black.
"Don't move," she said, the man in black with his hands up. "Who are you?" she went on, and somebody in the skylight with a sniper killed her.
"Those bastards!" he screamed, looking down from the stars in the skylight, and looking down at his dead sister's body. "I will hunt every last one down, and murder them!"
(What do you think?)
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 3:49 pm
This is a bit of a long one, so pay close attention to what I wrote you First, I can't tell where is the begining or ending of a paragraph, you need to either make a space between each paragraph or start it with a bit of space from the beginning of the first line in the paragraph, i mean like these examples example 1 - space between paragraphs Paragraph 1 paragraph 2 example 2 - space from the begining of the first line (blank space)Paragraph 1 rest of the paragraph (blank space)Paragraph 2 rest of the paragraph Second, the way you wrote how the guy looked at his sister kinda sounds like he was the one to kill her, you said the killer was from the skylight, her brother was looking from the skylight as well, a change of location for her brother would fit better, and where did he suddenly show up from? Third, you made a mistake at the part where the girl says "don't move",that should be connected with the paragraph from above because both are related to the same subject, how she died. Fourth, you had several mistakes that I can't sayin words because I have to correct it, compared what Im showing you to the original one hideyyo He was staring up looking at the stars, slowly twinkling. Damn, how could this happen? How could his sister could have died, die over a small pendon? 'He' was a lieutenant of the police force. Lieutenant Pigzy, but people in the station called him 'The Pig'. A very stereotypical name, but nonetheless, he learned to live with it. A bell slowly ringing in the Museum of Natural History in New York, in at the Ancient Egyptian section, showed showing that somebody broke in and stole something. Sandra Pigzy was wearing her security badge, pointing the barrel at a stranger in black. "Don't move," she said . The man in black was with his hands up. "Who are you?" she went on, and somebody in the skylight with a sniper killed her. "Those bastards!" he screamed, looking down from the stars in the skylight , and looking down at his dead sister's body. "I will hunt every last one down, and murder them!"
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Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007 10:15 pm
He was staring up at the stars, which were slowly twinkling. Damn, How could this happen? How could his sister could have died, over a small pendant?
He was a lieutenant of the police force. Lieutenant Pigzy, but people in the station called him 'The Pig'. A very stereotypical name, but nonetheless, he learned to live with it.
A bell slowly rang in the Museum of Natural History in New York. In the Ancient Egyptian section, showed that somebody broke in and stole something. Sandra Pigzy was wearing wore her security badge, pointed the barrel at a stranger in black.
"Don't move," she said, the man in black with his hands up. "Who are you?" she went on, and somebody in the skylight with a sniper killed her.
"Those bastards!" he screamed, looking down from the stars in the skylight, and looking down at his dead sister's body. "I will hunt every last one down, and murder them!"
[Try talking from one perspective, it looks like its mostly third person. The stereotypical nickname is odd. Pig is a derogatory term to cops. Why would others in the station call him a pig, unless he was a pig for other reasons besides his name. The tenses seem to change as well, it looks like its mostly past tense. It seems really short and you need to describe it more. I didn't even know her brother was in the museum until the end. And how does he know "them" or who the killer is.]
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Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 9:56 pm
Are you a native speaker of english? Because if you're not, then this is forgiveable. Or if you're not out of middle school yet. Anyway, moving on...
Aside from what's been said, try to keep your plot in line. You start off with a description of this NYPD liutenant, written in past tense and offering a view into the poor man's thoughts. This makes him the subject, and the main point from which the story should radiate. You then move on to describe the death of his sister in the same past tense. You should switch into the past perfect (had done instead of did, for example) to show that the action isn't actually taking place in the museum, it's just a memory of an action.
You should also try to build more sympathy for Pigzy. He's simply too vague for a reader to care about him, much less about his sister. His little outburst near the end seems a little unrealistic. If he's NYPD, then he's probably there with half an army of CSI's and detectives. If he's not, then he's also broken into the museum, meaning that he is either a criminal or grossly incompetent as he was unable to aprehend his sister's killer while he or she was still in the museum.
The language you use is a little silly. It sounds like you're trying to sound smart, and failing magnificently. Stick to things you know. Also, if she's going to point a barrel at something, make sure we know she's holding a gun first. Which she wouldn't be, because she's a museum guard, not a cop.
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