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Descriptive Writing - Nightmare World

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TheCoolestNerdd

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 8:18 am


Pillars of fire are all around me, causing sweat to weigh down on my brow then fizzle into whisps of foul smelling steam; rising into the air and through the clouds of night black soot above me, like souls escaping their damnation.... How I wish to join them.

My ear drums are assaulted with a foul screech as a beast of unimaginable proportions lumbers into veiw. Its skin is rough to the touch but weak as it flakes away to reveal rotting muscles and cartilidge, all of which tumble out of the fragile casing and onto me.

As if hit by a brick wall I collapse, the grotesque morsels forcing their way down my throat. The taste is horrible, every flavour in the world is uncomparable to this. I roll onto my stomach and look at the floor. The deep ped hue suddenly reverts to a sparkling blue and blinds me. The light of the fire been reflected by a thousand mirrors as the ground becomes an ocean and yet again I am drowning... dying.

The water is a stark contrast to the land, freesing cold, slowly numbing away my senses. I barely feel the water rolling, twisting and pulling as if it is alive... I began to rise, my soul suddenly seperating from its home. My body looks lonley as it drifts down to join the other corpses, who seem to take no pleasure in its company.

My senses are magnified as I rise out of the water,just to hear the beasts final cry and thousands of chattering ants destroy it, ripping it limb from limb. The sound of millions of chattering teeth reminds me of my school days, thousands of shoes hitting the cold, wooden floor in quick succesion.

As I rise futher I gaze into the void above me. I feel incredibly lonely as my senses give way to the nothingness and my ghostly form deconstructs peice by miserable peice. My final sights are that of a lonley star hitting the ocean. Another soul claimed by the nightmarish world. As my vision dissipates my soul gliters and falls like the snow of my world....


©2009-2010 ~Pokemaniac1993


What do you guys think?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 11:55 pm


I like your writing style! Very nice! heart
But I feel compelled to fix your spelling mistakes -eye twitch-

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 3:01 am


Once again I'll say how I like this piece, or did I not actually say that before? *strikes thinking pose*
PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 9:06 am


I'm always compelled to change it xD I always forget though... thanks very much (and you said it before Moon)

TheCoolestNerdd

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 12:43 pm


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Not bad, but there are some issues.

Unlike a lot of people I don't care too much for any spelling errors, I'm horrible at correcting them in my own work lol

But one thing that stands out strongly to me is your use of metaphor to set up the scene. It may sound odd but I feel you're trying too hard with them, don't be afraid to just write something simply, not everything needs a complex description. A steady stream of descriptions guides the reader, but in bulk it assaults them.

Not to say they were all bad however, I really liked this line "My body looks lonely as it drifts down to join the other corpses, who seem to take no pleasure in its company."

All in all, keep practicing you're writing :3
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