Kyle's dimension

[bloodclaw_anthony]

I'll just post whatever I feel like here, probably what I feel like at that particular moment or whatever when I feel like writing something.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

I'm feeling really lonely right now for some reason. I'm not sure why though, I have amazing friends and I know they all love me (I love you guys too) but still I feel it. I feel so lost right now, like a bland man dropped in the middle of an ever changing labyrinth. I'm not sure about anything in my life right now and it's really taking a toll on my mind. I can't find the energy to do anything in school, and I'm not even sure I really want to be in school. I'll keep going of course, I have no choice, I just feel trapped and lost. Hopefully things will get better soon, I'm hoping that I won't be alone for much longer. I really wish I could just wander the world with a few people I would never get tired of being with, and that was it. I wish the world wasn't there to plague me with it's problems and impending doom feeling. I've been wondering about my life a lot, and I'm just not sure I like the way it is. I want someone I can hold in my arms and know that they love me, but I doubt myself and everyone else at every turn. Oh well, I know none of this really matters and it'll all be sorted out eventually, I'll wait for that moment as patiently as I can.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Today was actually alright, kind of all over the place though. Sort of starting to stress out about my final projects. Probably going to end up doing them all this weekend and this next week. However, I've actually had a fairly good day, despite not sleeping very well last night. Class was really fun and I had time at the end to chill and get a start on one of my projects. Not feeling too great though, had to drink way too much mountain dew just to stay awake and alertish. Otherwise today has been alright, haven't really done a whole lot to be honest. Really dreading school tomorrow night, it's probably my least favorite class. It isn't the material, so much as the teacher is really boring and doesn't really know how to teach. Oh well, only two more classes and I'm done.

I've come to a decision of sorts, I'm going to try and write here at least once every few days or so if I can. Hopefully I'll be able to do it every day. I'm sort of hoping that it'll help me to work through my problems if I can write them down. Hopefully it'll make them seem like not so big of a deal.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Today I'm feeling a little conflicted. I'm slightly happy and energetic, but I'm also a bit lethargic and lonely. I suppose that last one is really a constant thing in my life but it still sucks. I'm kind of starting to stress about my final projects for school, I'm probably going to be working on those all of this weekend as I mentioned before. I'm really not looking forward to it though, it's not that I hate doing the work, it's more that I'm really not interested in any of the things they're on. I'm really glad right now that I transferred out of the the law enforcement program. The more I think about it the more I realize I'm not cut out for it. My own personal views cut me off from doing it, because I don't really care about people enough to want to protect them or to deal with stupid s**t.


I've been reflecting on love lately, mainly because I'm wondering if I'm in love with someone or not. Even though I say that it's just a case of dependence and attraction mixing together, and I do believe that on some level, but I'm not really sure. I just can't seem to make up my mind, I hate how muddled my own feelings are to me. I like to think that I'm rather in touch with my emotions but I'm just not sure in this case. Love is such a silly emotion yet everyone seeks it out, it's like some kind of fabled animal that once you find it, it's not what you thought it was. I just really wish I had a list sometimes to check off signs if I was or not. I really want to be sure this time before I say anything. I don't want to screw things up this time, I really don't. I know that I would move on from it, but I really don't want to. I can't decide if that's love though. I know she's right for me in a lot of ways, and that sometimes we aren't compatible, but that's good for me. I would hate to have someone be absolutely perfect for me because it wouldn't seem real. I think I'm going to wrap this up now. There really isn't a solution at the end, but that's how life works sometimes. Even if I did figure it out, I probably wouldn't declare it on here. ^.^  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Today I find that I'm really lonely. I long for someone to hold in my arms and to kiss. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore except the fiction I hope to start writing tomorrow since I don't have class. However, I'm just feeling like I'm incomplete and I just really wish I had someone here with me. I feel like I'm hollow. It'd be nice just to know that someone was there for me, I know my friends always will be but it just isn't the same thing. I love my friends and I would do anything for them, and I know they feel the same way about me, but like I said it just isn't the same thing. I don't know, maybe I should just be happy to know that I have people that love and care for me. It just doesn't feel the same as when I have someone, even if I'm not in love with them.

I'm still not sure if I love her, but I think I'm getting closer to an answer. I want to see her, and I want to hold her, and I love talking to her. I just feel like sometimes I annoy her, and I know I don't, so I have to hate my brain sometimes.

I think that's all for tonight, I'm feeling really tired and out of it.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Well, it seems I skipped a few days. I guess I'll just do a recap now and write about this day later. Well, the two days I skipped went pretty well actually, I was in a good mood for most of the days. I also got a new game, which didn't help me to get my projects done lol. I kind of stopped worrying about them all together actually. I'll get my project that's due next week done later tonight or tomorrow and work on the others this coming weekend probably. Well, I'm really looking forward to the new quarter starting. I think my new schedule will help things run more smoothly and my classes sound more fun. I just hope my teachers are better next quarter because I honestly don't like two of them. Okay, one of them isn't that bad but she seems to be obsessed with a particular case and she's misinterpreted the meaning of stuff in our class before. She also seems like one of the teachers that would come up to you and say "I'm really disappointed that you didn't do better in my class" which is really not something that should be done in college, or even high school. I think teachers need to remain impartial and semiprofessional in their job. It's alright to be friends with students and to tell jokes and things like that because it helps people to learn. However that doesn't mean you should start talking like you're the students parent or something like that, because you aren't (in most cases lol). Okay, well, I think that's enough of that for now.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Okay, today was actually pretty good. I'm feeling pretty well, I kind of don't want to rant about feelings because nothing stands out today. I am slightly fed up with the modern life style though. I really just want to wander around for awhile and really relax and enjoy myself. I was also struck today by the fact that I'm almost resentful of civilization. I know that it's given me a lot, including all of my friends and all the wonderful video games that I love, but still. We were driving on the freeway and for awhile it was just peaceful nature, and I felt a little more at peace while watching it. Then there started to be a few buildings, most of them warehouses (the ugly square shaped ones), then we came into a city. My first thought was that I wished all those ugly buildings would go away and that nature would move back in. It's something that's always kind of troubled me. I'm not sure if I'd be able to survive without modern civilization, I have no doubts about that. Still, I wish that the majority of the population would just kind of, go away and not return. I wish it was just me and my friends and that we would just wander around and have fun for the rest of our lives. I know it'll never come true and part of me wishes it wouldn't, but another part does. Well, that's really all I have to say for now, hope you've had a good day, or at least decent.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Today I find myself feeling very lonely. I'm not sure what brought it on but it's here again. At least some good things happened today, but still I find that I feel very lonely. I almost feel like an island, with many people close to the shore but none of them being able to approach. Only a few people have come close, but I've always gotten rid of them before they were truly with me. I know that no one will ever share my inner thoughts, and I don't want them to, that's not what I mean. I'm hoping for someone that understands me and accepts me for what I am, on the inside and outside. It's been a few days since I've really had much contact with the person closest to me now, and I find that I miss her more than anyone else. Still, I'm not even sure that having someone on my "island" with me would solve my loneliness. I think I'm always doomed to feel this way at times. Well, I think I'll stop here for tonight, thanks to my readers for putting up with me.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Again I have neglected writing in here, however you'll have to excuse me, this week was finals and I had major projects to do. I barely did anything except homework, it wasn't exactly fun. True I also hung out with friends and that was fun. Oh well, I've been doing alright, little stressed out understandably but also been having a pretty good time. I'd say right now that despite being very tired, things are going very well. I have not a clue what the future holds, but as soon as I know you'll know. ^.^

Thanks to anyone who's bothered checking up on this, sorry again for not posting. I'm going to try getting back into it in my two weeks off and also into my little fiction project.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Well today was very good despite not getting a lot of sleep and having to unload hay. I had a great time at before and after dinner. I'm just realizing that on days that I'm happy, I don't have a whole lot to write about in here. Well, I suppose I'm a little closer to my answer that I was wondering about before. I'm not totally sure, but it feels a lot like love, or at least I think it does. My past history with these things isn't exactly great.

Well, since I can't think of anything to write about anymore I'd like to ask my readers (are there two of you, or just one?) to comment a topic for me to give my opinion on or for me to talk about in my next post. Good night everyone, happy spring!  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Well, it seems that I forgot to write in here again last night, but I've decided to do it a bit earlier tonight. I've really not been doing anything today. Just sitting around and chilling, talking to people over IMs. I've really been seized by a restless spirit though, I want to get out into nature and do some camping or something. I've really been cooped up inside for quite sometime, but even when the weather is nice I don't go outside. It's mainly because the only thing to do outside is to work or something like that. There aren't many places that I'm aware of that I could go hiking or anything like that around here. Sometimes I just wish that all the cities would just disappear, I'd love to just live off the land if I could. Just go out into a forest and make my life there. I know it'd be hard, far harder than my romanticism of it makes it sound, but that idea just sounds really appealing to me. Sometimes I just get so sick of the concrete and drywall that I want to burn it all to the ground. I think maybe a lot of people have lost sight of the important things in life. While having a good job and prestige aren't bad things, they were originally a means to an end. They weren't done just so you could have them and brag about them, they were done to take care of yourself and the people that matter to you. I know I couldn't live without all of the things I've grown accustomed to and take advantage of, but that picture I have in my head of a perfect world still looks great to me.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Today has been pretty good, again I didn't really do anything. I've been really out of it though, so I guess that's an excuse. I've been playing pokemon for the majority of the day, it really is quite a good game. It's really always been one of my favorite games and genre of games. There's something about it that just all comes together in a great way. I'm realizing that I have very little to write about. I am however still very excited about my new classes starting up soon, and now that I've had a few days to recover from my hectic final week I'm really ready to get back into the swing of things. I really hope that IT is my calling, and more specifically database administration. To be honest I kind of just chose this on a whim, but it does sound like something I'd like and it's apparently an area that's becoming very large. I've always really liked working with computers and I hope that I can turn this into my career. I really hope that I can keep up with this one...there have been so many things that have just fallen through because I wasn't able to put in the effort or just coasted through it. I'm hoping that this quarter I can really keep up with the things that I want to do. I want to get a job, I want to get into shape, and I want to keep my grades up. If I can accomplish those three things I'll be happy, and if I can find an answer to my own personal questions, I'll be ecstatic. Well, with that I am off to bed, g'night.  

[bloodclaw_anthony]

Firstly, I would like to wonder if anyone is even reading this anymore. Or if anyone is using this site at all. If not I'll probably just move to an online journal, not that I've posted all that much recently. Well, today I'm going to write reviews of basically anything zombie related I can think of. I'll also add in how I would have done it and also my ideal zombie game as well at some point. Well, let's kick this off old school, with the original Night of the Living Dead. Oh, btw, don't read any further if you haven't seen them and want to, I'll be spoiling a few things. So, SPOILER ALERT!!!



This is actually a fairly good zombie movie, at first glance at least. The characters are fairly decent, Ben being my favorite of course. He's really one of the only characters you can like in this movie, the rest are really flat and static. Ben tries to think logically in the situation, but boarding up the house is really just not realistic. He had a good idea with the gas pump, it's too bad it backfired on them. I'm not saying they should have all started walking. I certainly wouldn't want to be walking around unknown territory filled with zombies in the middle of the night. Barbara is comatose until the end of the movie where she sees her zombified brother and goes out to greet him. Now Harry you might think is my least favorite character, he's selfish, foolish, afraid, and arrogant. However he at least gets multiple things to describe him, the others (excluding Ben) can really only be described in one or two words. He probably has the most depth out of all of the characters. Bed you can call brave though it's only out of necessity, you can also call him somewhat logical, but that's about it. Harry, while not someone I would want covering my a**, I would certainly say he isn't a bad character. He's one of those people you've gotta love to hate. Sara is almost a flat character, but you can sympathize with her. Her daughter is hurt and her husband is a d**k who is keeping them trapped in someone's basement. Now the other three are really just worthless characters, Barbara really just sits around doing nothing till she dies, tom really just serves to bring another gun into the equation and mess up the gas run, and Judy just drives the truck in the gas run. Other than that Tom and Judy just board up the windows and act scared, the actors do a decent job of it though. The acting in the entire movie is fairly decent, though of course it's a movie from the late 60's so it's not exactly up to today's standards of special effects and editing and such. The ending was good, Ben being mistaken for a zombie and shot in the head from a ways off. Now there really isn't a whole lot I'd change about this movie, it was good, really I'd just have made the remake. Of course if it was me in the situation I would have just looted the house and moved on. I wouldn't have boarded it up and tried to spend the night. The noise of boarding it up would draw them to it, and there isn't a safe place to hide that has a decent exit if you needed it. It may have been a good idea to just head upstairs with as much food and water as you could get and destroy the stairs, or block them off somehow. Then you could escape through the windows upstairs if need be and still be somewhat protected. Still, unless the entire staircase could be removed I wouldn't want to risk it.

The remake is basically the same, except it shows more of how Ben panics by having Barbara be the cool character. It's still obvious that she's scared and slightly panicked but she's useful and doesn't just sit there. She's also the only one to survive, but I like the ending of this one the best. Ben is a zombie, so it makes sense to shoot him, and Barbara shoots Harry after she comes back with the search party to clear the house. They both sum things up but I like the 90's version better, it also has better effects and editing, and I do like the actors more in this one. Well, if I had to change one thing it would be the special effects. I think they're trying to get scares by showing a lot of gore, and it doesn't really look all that good. I think just a touch less would have made things better for this movie.