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 Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:13 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:39 pm
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Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:57 pm
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Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 12:52 pm
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Posted: Sun May 03, 2009 1:49 am
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Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 7:26 pm
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Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 12:33 pm
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Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 9:45 pm
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 12:22 am
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Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 3:03 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 1:00 am
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Report Cards & Police Comments
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the
plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should
sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have
to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created
this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely
dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder
than the one you just went through..'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because
they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll
make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I
guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift
supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O..K, I'm warning
you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you
had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used
to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is
a personal friend of yours.. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't. Sign here.'
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 7:40 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 4:36 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2009 4:42 pm
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A Gift for my Wife
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that
a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with
a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-b***h, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8
feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparrently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm
offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
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