Man, I hate suicidal people. Yeah, their lives are pointless, they'll never be happy, no one understands them, so what? They're so selfish. I mean, what do you want to bet that they don't even THINK about all the people whose lives they could make better, all the people that they could make happier, they could fight in a war, save lives, and then eventually die. I mean, everyone dies eventually, what's the damn rush? But no, they just want to die because they're not happy.
I have nothing to live for. You won't believe me when I say these things, you'll believe that I somehow have a future, that I have something going for me. Yeah, bullshit buddy, bullshit. But hey, whatever keeps you sleeping at night. I'm sure all you need to do is look at your wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, give them a pretty kiss, and tell yourself that everyone will eventually get theirs, and, I don't know, maybe that God exists and that one guy that never will get a girlfriend was just plain crazy.
I've fallen in love with women before, yeah, it sucks. But most women are absolute jokes, self-absorbed, pitiful, lifeless beings that only care about the bad, dangerous boys out of some sick, psychotic plesure. Maybe they just love mocking the nice guys senselessly, because they've sure as hell tortured me to the edge of sanity itself because of it. But at least girls are happy, which is something I actually care about.
I was with a girl in class for about 8 weeks. I'll continue to be in that class with her after this break I have is over. She's tragically really popular because she, yay, so happens to be the prettiest girl in the school.
Most girls don't understand me. Any girl that would read this post would make up some excuse to treat me badly, hell, she might not even make up an excuse, she'd just treat me like Hitler. I'd place a bet with anyone that if a girl read this and replied, she'd be mean, but I'm a good person and don't have the intention of stealing anyone's money.
This girl, well, at first glance I couldn't have cared less about her. She just seemed like another pretty little doll that I could have a crush and to keep me alive and pretend like I could ever have a girlfriend. The usual. But I began to notice that she was actually nice to me...more than once. It didn't make much sense at first. I thought "How could a girl be nice to me?". Tried to do the math, didn't come up with anything at first. But she was always nice to me, and she didn't understand me like every other girl, but that just makes her even more amazing.
After a few weeks, I listened to everything she would say to her friends. She really was special, an actual girl. I was begining to have doubts that they existed. I started to love everything about her. I loved how she changed her hair every day, I loved how she admitted her flaws and made the best of them, I loved her eyes and her smile, I loved listening to her, I loved every word she said. I ******** loved her. Oh, and by the way, she has an amazing singing voice.
Once the 9 weeks of school was starting to end, I wasn't sure what to do. She had a boyfriend(of course), but I didn't know if he was a nice guy, a dickhead, if she loved him, if they started dating two weeks ago, or if they would ever stop dating. All I knew was that I needed to admit how I felt about her, even if it would just mean the possibility of her realizing that she was a magical person.
So I admitted how I felt. Don't ask me how, just realize that I did what I needed to do. I told her everything I loved about her, I told her that I just wanted her to be happy,....kinda left out the part that I adored her even though I implied it because, well, she does have a boyfriend.
And after that, she never said anything to me or looked at me again. I have to admit, it was about time. It's the rule of life, all girls must hate me. It's part of growing up for them, and this girl was just a little slow.
I just find it kinda funny that there's much worst guys out there than me, that do much worst things to women, and they still end up together, they still fall in love. All I wanted to do was be nice to a girl, fall in love, and get away with it. I knew I was asking for too much, but I denied it at the time.
Now, I'm emotionally destroyed. Most people, probably including you, are completely and utterly incapable of understanding me, that you'll give me advice, say that I'm just a teenager.(As if there are other teenagers that care about women as much as I do.), and that I'm supposed to move on as if there's something to move on to.
It simply amazes me how mean most guys are to girls, and it amazes me even more that most girls like guys that way. (I'm ******** living proof that they could never like anything otherwise.), but those guys are probably better off. Once they're 30, they'll start to actually care about girls, and girls, who've slightly matured, will just forgive them instantly for all their years of cruelty and they'll all marry and live happily ever after because they're older and can take love seriously. And hear I am. I'm nothing to girls, I'm nothing at all. Never will be.
Deep down, a part of me always knew that I'd never get a girlfriend. In kindergarten and first grade when boys and girls hated eachother, a part of me knew I'd never be lucky enough to be with a girl, it was just a sense, but I didn't give up. Now I don't even want a girlfriend because I know for a fact that I could never love a girl as much as I loved this girl. Never, not once. But society expects me to go out with and marry a girl that I don't love anyway. Maybe that's what most people do. It'd at least explain why most marraiges end up sucking.
It's probably a good idea to never fall in love with someone unless you're going out with them. That way, you won't notice the person you really WOULD be happy with.
But I'm not going to be with a girl I don't love like other guys. I'd rather not be with a girl at all, which I guess is what will happen. I'm never getting a girlfriend, and thus, I'll never be happy, because after all these years, I've never once trully been happy because I've never had a girlfriend. But maybe that's life, and I'm just supposed to except it.
The simple truth is, I should've never been born. I'm one of those people that really should die. My life has never been, nor will it ever be, worth living. But I do like chicken sandwhiches and listening to my ipod. So hey, there's that.
I guess what I want to do now is try to help other people. Make a difference in someone's life, make someone happier, do something that someone would remember me for. I want to die now, but I can continue to live by knowing that I'll die eventually. Death isn't just something that you should cheat and get instantly, death is a prize, a gift, you have to earn death. At least when I do die, I can tell myself that I did some good things, and really went through the true troubles of reality and I won't have to feel the pain anymore, and the people that commit suicide won't be able to say that to themselves.
Thoughts, anyone?
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