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 Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:23 am
I'm exhausted, and I only worked two hours today. Now I get half an hour to relax and maybe eat, and then I have to go to school for 5 & 1/2 hours. And then I have a calc test tomorrow, and tonight after I get home (at 7:30) is like the only time I have to study. My teacher is letting our class fall soooo far behind. I don't have time to teach myself everything! T_____T
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:13 pm
Textwall ahead! This is apparently what happens when I start getting super sleep-deprived and stop taking notes in my ecology class and have too much on my mind that doesn't relate at all to what my professor is going on about.
A Letter to Tim, may you never find this.
I wish you'd quit giving me such a hard time. It would be so much easier if you weren't so freaking nice to me. I don't deserve it, I cause nothing but trouble and know that I freak out when I get too close to people. Or when they get too close to me. You say you're introverted, but you're outgoing and friendly and everything that I'm not. I can hardly bring myself to speak at times, while you have no trouble; you're on recruiting for a reason.
I go to sleep at night with all the things I never said fluttering around inside my head, all the words I couldn't force out of my mouth haunting me in my sleep. You'd never know how many times I've held my tongue around you, desperate to say something but unable to. Because I can be absentminded, but I'm not an idiot. I know what the chain of command is and respect it, and for that reason I cannot speak my mind; not here, not now, possibly not ever.
Your old lady says you could never get a girl, but that's a lie. You already have one, even if you don't know it, it's just a matter of when and if you can accept me without compromising your position, and if I can quit being such a coward. Because I accepted you for who you are a long time since. We might be as different as could be sometimes, but I don't care about that, and haven't in some time. You're a wonderful, beautiful person inside, even if other people seem to rarely see it. You laugh and joke, and for a short time I can't help but smile, both inside and out. You brighten a place when you enter, all the goodness in you that you refuse to show shining through nonetheless. It's impossible to hide who you really are, I saw through you some time ago. I can't see everything though, and I wish I could. I wish that I could know you more than I do now, because you're worth knowing.
But, I guess, my own bad luck seems to haunt me once again. You see me but look straight past, thankfully blind to the feelings which I can't give voice to. I am mute and you are blind, and the two together impede communication. But I'm glad, in some ways, because I'm terrified of what would happen if you knew. I worry about what I would even say if you or anyone else asked how I felt. Every combination of possible responses, I can think of some way for it to go horribly, horribly awry. I am a coward, and fear all possibilities, and I'm not sure which of them I fear the most.
So I hide myself in layers of lies. I go out to Military Walk at night not because it's beautiful (though it is), but because it's quiet and empty, and I can sit on my bench and curse myself for a fool with nobody to see. I told you that the reason I looked unhappy when you saw me at Midnight Yell was that I was tired, but in reality it's because I saw you standing on the field and knew that I could never stand there with you.
And I know I'm an idiot, that I need to shake off these pointless feelings, but they stick in my mind with barbed hooks that I can't dislodge. You're an amazing person, and letting go is all but impossible.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:31 pm
I know you guys keep saying that he's a jerk but normally he's just the nerdy nice-guy type. He used to try to make everyone happy and would rather be hurt himself than hurt anyone else.
I'm just refusing to talk to him right now, and blatantly ignoring him. He's being a complete idiot and won't admit that he's wrong.
Everyone says that they're seen their relationship coming on for months.. but the thing is he broke up with his old girlfriend about two weeks ago. I mean... really? She's on facebook and can see all the comments like "I totally saw this coming... for possibly months now... XD" and "SUPER LIKE. ITS ABOUT FREAKING TIME"
I feel so bad for her, and I am not a fan of this chick.
I just feel so hurt. But yeah I do have other friends that I hang out with, I have a feeling I'll be getting closer to them in the coming weeks.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:35 pm
Calling Shenanigans I know you guys keep saying that he's a jerk but normally he's just the nerdy nice-guy type. He used to try to make everyone happy and would rather be hurt himself than hurt anyone else.
I'm just refusing to talk to him right now, and blatantly ignoring him. He's being a complete idiot and won't admit that he's wrong.
Everyone says that they're seen their relationship coming on for months.. but the thing is he broke up with his old girlfriend about two weeks ago. I mean... really? She's on facebook and can see all the comments like "I totally saw this coming... for possibly months now... XD" and "SUPER LIKE. ITS ABOUT FREAKING TIME"
I feel so bad for her, and I am not a fan of this chick.
I just feel so hurt. But yeah I do have other friends that I hang out with, I have a feeling I'll be getting closer to them in the coming weeks. thats good you have others to go to, I know saying hes a jerk s a bit harsh its just when you said he kissed you while he was in a nother relationship with someone is heh =/ isnt right sorry
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:40 pm
Kamilio Calling Shenanigans I know you guys keep saying that he's a jerk but normally he's just the nerdy nice-guy type. He used to try to make everyone happy and would rather be hurt himself than hurt anyone else.
I'm just refusing to talk to him right now, and blatantly ignoring him. He's being a complete idiot and won't admit that he's wrong.
Everyone says that they're seen their relationship coming on for months.. but the thing is he broke up with his old girlfriend about two weeks ago. I mean... really? She's on facebook and can see all the comments like "I totally saw this coming... for possibly months now... XD" and "SUPER LIKE. ITS ABOUT FREAKING TIME"
I feel so bad for her, and I am not a fan of this chick.
I just feel so hurt. But yeah I do have other friends that I hang out with, I have a feeling I'll be getting closer to them in the coming weeks. thats good you have others to go to, I know saying hes a jerk s a bit harsh its just when you said he kissed you while he was in a nother relationship with someone is heh =/ isnt right sorry Oh god, I felt so horrible after that happened. And I had to tell him to stay with his girlfriend because I knew we couldn't be together. It hurt so much. I've made so many sacrifices in order to keep my friends together and happy. It sucks that they don't want to do the same for me.
And bleh, all week I'm going to have to deal with "Aww, you have a boy friend? Who is it? When did you start dating?" Or "I knew this was going to happen! You two are so cute together"
*barfbarfbarf*
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:45 pm
Calling Shenanigans Kamilio Calling Shenanigans I know you guys keep saying that he's a jerk but normally he's just the nerdy nice-guy type. He used to try to make everyone happy and would rather be hurt himself than hurt anyone else.
I'm just refusing to talk to him right now, and blatantly ignoring him. He's being a complete idiot and won't admit that he's wrong.
Everyone says that they're seen their relationship coming on for months.. but the thing is he broke up with his old girlfriend about two weeks ago. I mean... really? She's on facebook and can see all the comments like "I totally saw this coming... for possibly months now... XD" and "SUPER LIKE. ITS ABOUT FREAKING TIME"
I feel so bad for her, and I am not a fan of this chick.
I just feel so hurt. But yeah I do have other friends that I hang out with, I have a feeling I'll be getting closer to them in the coming weeks. thats good you have others to go to, I know saying hes a jerk s a bit harsh its just when you said he kissed you while he was in a nother relationship with someone is heh =/ isnt right sorry Oh god, I felt so horrible after that happened. And I had to tell him to stay with his girlfriend because I knew we couldn't be together. It hurt so much. I've made so many sacrifices in order to keep my friends together and happy. It sucks that they don't want to do the same for me.
And bleh, all week I'm going to have to deal with "Aww, you have a boy friend? Who is it? When did you start dating?" Or "I knew this was going to happen! You two are so cute together"
*barfbarfbarf* *hugs* sometimes people do silly things even friends, maybe just say your happy for them and stuff, as for the friendship you dont always have to be around them and I m sorry for this but I dont really think the guy knows what he wants from what your saying heh =/ and that the relationship hes having with your friend might not last very long heh you can do it, just hang in there *hugs* and you ll meet someone great eventually =D
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 2:59 pm
At this point I'm not sure what would break those two up. If he continues to be a jerk to me she might break up with him because (she says) I'm still before him, but that would probably be the only reason =/
But thanks, Kam, you've helped so much in making me feel better about all of this. Same goes for everyone else. Coming home and reading those responses made me feel like I can get through this.
And I have told a few of my friends the whole story, because for once I have my own gossip/drama and I want my friends to know what the hell is going on.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:02 pm
Calling Shenanigans At this point I'm not sure what would break those two up. If he continues to be a jerk to me she might break up with him because (she says) I'm still before him, but that would probably be the only reason =/
But thanks, Kam, you've helped so much in making me feel better about all of this. Same goes for everyone else. Coming home and reading those responses made me feel like I can get through this.
And I have told a few of my friends the whole story, because for once I have my own gossip/drama and I want my friend to know what the hell is going on. Well any time/your welcome I hope everything goes well and take care of yourself =]
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:27 pm
I've felt like crying all day but the tears just won't come.. I feel so guilty even when there's nothing for me to worry about... I just.. don't particularly like myself at the moment.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:30 pm
Kuroyanagika I've felt like crying all day but the tears just won't come.. I feel so guilty even when there's nothing for me to worry about... I just.. don't particularly like myself at the moment.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:39 pm
Kuroyanagika I've felt like crying all day but the tears just won't come.. I feel so guilty even when there's nothing for me to worry about... I just.. don't particularly like myself at the moment. why not?=/ whats wrong confused
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 3:39 pm
Hormones suck, and idk how to handle 'em (emotions).
Alright, so there's this new girl in my band class, she seems nice and has trouble with her math homework. I felt like making new friends so I got to know her a bit of how she liked anime as I did. One day she decided to go up to a guy in class *J* since I was sleepy aka boring. Seems they were friends, and I was happy for her. Strangely in a few days and the next week they got closer. Was I jealous? Nah I didn't have feelings harbored for her *gotta admit she's adorable, d'awe*. Today since she asked J to back off from bothering her I decided to sit next to her and watch over her homework so she wouldn't falter. Few minutse later J's friend D came over and signaled to J that I'm in the seat he left, so I noticed and scurried away.
Somehow I get the feeling that I'm in the way... and that the guys are getting the feeling I might have a crush on her, which I don't. But I am kinda hurt of the whole "what shot does he have? lol loser XD". Started to re awaken hurting memories... ugh this is bad. Is something wrong with me?
I think I am just too paranoid as of now, but I really do have a close hunch after what I heard >.>;
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 5:38 pm
I'm not going to kill him I'm not going to kill him I'm not going to kill him I'm not going to kill him I'm not going to kill him I'm not going to kill him I'm going to kill him I'm going to kill him.
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:07 pm
I feel like such a failure, I went to sleep and all i could think about was every single one of them, it was like a flash back and I couldn't do anything to save or help anyone and its been bothering and poking at my mind since this morning and I cant cry and I cant face or accept that I ve broken 4 promises so far Its as if everyone who I make a promise to dies, I hate it
I hate this feeling I hate the way I cant do anything I hate it soo much I hate myself that I just cant when I m a friend I should be able to I should be able to protect the ones i Love and care about
Heh I m just useless and pathetic and I have no right to call myself a friend I can't be there when they really need me
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Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:09 pm
Kamilio and you ll meet someone great eventually =D *puts his arm around Shena* Hey bby, what's your sign~? ;D *shot* Don't worry, I'm sure you can make it through. XD Yer a toughie. *administers hugs to you and Tabi* ;3; You're both awesome, y'know that? I'm positive that you two can succeed in your endeavors.
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