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 Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 5:49 pm
Okay, I am now sufficiently pissed at myself. All I ever do is get in my own way and hold myself back. I want to ******** bloom and show people just how epic I am...and what do I do? I do nothing, fearing how others will react.*Bangs head against a wall.* Just like any chance I have at talking to a cute girl I find interesting...not a single word passes my lips.
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:01 pm
I know my sclero is active. My Rheuma knows it's active. But my Derma is being a ******** idiot "Oh there's no color so it's inactive." ******** THE COLOR! My skin is tightening, my hand is freezing in position and starting to ******** hurt whenever I use it, which is a ******** lot since I'm right handed, and that doesn't count cause there's no color? If I was still on the hell chemo meds you probably would put me back on but since I want the experimental drug you're digging in your heels while I know neither my Derma or Rheuma has used this meds on a Sclero patient and I'm still saying "I'm okay with being a guinea pig. I'm okay with using IV treatments. I'm okay with the side affect. Start the ******** experiment."
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 6:18 pm
You want to live a dream...
I'm not certain what this is... I'm not certain at all...
Fall asleep and never wake up...
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 9:59 pm
Alright, let's get these things straightened out.
1. I hope you fall on your face and something bad happens to you. Nothing like wanting to say that to someone that's supposedly been your friend for 12 years right? Awkward. Nevertheless, I still hope fall in that pit of lies you've dug around yourself and learn how to tell the truth once in a while. Ugh. I don't trust you. You lie so easily to others and you expect everyone to just go around pretending that you didn't lie? Will you ever stop? Hahaha what a silly question. Once you've started, you can't stop anymore can you? You keep separating your friends into groups. "Band friends" here, "gay friends" there, another batch of pot heads over in this corner, and least we forget the goody-two-shoes over here... It's not called "expanding your horizon" and "getting to know a lot of new people." It's called "you're lying to everyone's face and you don't give a damn about who gets hurt. To one group, you say "ohhhh, I wish I could go with you, but my dad..." then the next day to a different group "oh yeah, we'll have so much fun having a party on blah blah blah day." Have you yet to see that some people actually overlap and aren't set in a particular group that you've laid out for them? Usually, these overlapping people are called "friends" not "I can lie to their face and trust that they won't tell the others." Guess where I fall in your group? In many places. I look back and wonder why I've even trusted you for 12 years.
2. Get your head out of your a** and take a few minutes and realize that you're not the center of the universe. You are not better than everyone. You don't need to brag to everyone. Quit being a brown-noser. Please realize quickly that you are a jerk and should change. Again, you are not better than everyone. When someone says "stop" it means "stop." Not "oh, it's fine, just keep going, I'm just saying 'stop' so I can make some polite conversation..." Quit being disgusting. Seriously. Not everyone shares the same enthusiasm as you for singing praise for an extremely sensitive topic. I mean, seriously? Where is your head? Oh right, please take it out of your a**. Where is Thomas Paine when you need him to shove common sense through another's head?
3. Calm. The. ********. Down. (refer to #2)
4. I'm losing interest in all things except for one thing. And that grows stronger each day. I need to become a better person... I hope that's possible.
5. I hate ranting off on a tangent because then I start thinking and that leads to more thinking and solving ideas in my head which ultimately results in anger that's once again suppressed.
6. To keep telling myself that I'm not a failure in life. I'm only afraid of change. And I can control that change and move it in the direction that I please. I can do this... I hope.
7. My anger always simmers down into sadness. Wat dis.
8. I need to find something away from the house to occupy my mind. my hands. But I'd also like a dash of time to go with that. Need more time.
9. Why do I even stay up so late? =/ I left at 10:30pm, then proceeded to talk to my dad for 2 hours. I hate how I can't talk to him at all anymore. And he wonders why I hole up in my room all the time. There's a reason. -__- I can talk to him every other time after 9pm. But even then, he's busy or just falls asleep while talking to me. But I need help. ugh. I mean, I like that he's there for me... except it's only 30% of the time. laskhdfal;sih
10. I feel listless. Don't know what to do; can't think straight. Maybe some sleep will help...
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 11:58 pm
When people say they hate Filipinos, I really hope they mean just the ignorant ones who love to flaunt their pride. Sure, my culture can get out of hand when it comes to pride; sure my country is poor and corrupted; but really?
We don't eat dogs, we're partially Asian, Islander and Spanish (longggg history, gaise). We're poor due to a corrupted government, we have a large population and we move out of our country for a better start.
I'm not that much into showing pride of my culture/country. Unlike my sister who has a jacker with the flag on it and yelling out "FILO PRIDE!" with her friends. I don't like my heavily brown skin due to easy burning in the sun and I don't like my dark eyes and I don't really like my home language a lot.
I love my culture; its food and its landmarks in the country; but what I dislike is the cocky pride some of us have. ejskghsl
Don't mind this. Just an unstable rant about idiots.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 5:08 am
Mickeymoot Alright, let's get these things straightened out.
1. I hope you fall on your face and something bad happens to you. Nothing like wanting to say that to someone that's supposedly been your friend for 12 years right? Awkward. Nevertheless, I still hope fall in that pit of lies you've dug around yourself and learn how to tell the truth once in a while. Ugh. I don't trust you. You lie so easily to others and you expect everyone to just go around pretending that you didn't lie? Will you ever stop? Hahaha what a silly question. Once you've started, you can't stop anymore can you? You keep separating your friends into groups. "Band friends" here, "gay friends" there, another batch of pot heads over in this corner, and least we forget the goody-two-shoes over here... It's not called "expanding your horizon" and "getting to know a lot of new people." It's called "you're lying to everyone's face and you don't give a damn about who gets hurt. To one group, you say "ohhhh, I wish I could go with you, but my dad..." then the next day to a different group "oh yeah, we'll have so much fun having a party on blah blah blah day." Have you yet to see that some people actually overlap and aren't set in a particular group that you've laid out for them? Usually, these overlapping people are called "friends" not "I can lie to their face and trust that they won't tell the others." Guess where I fall in your group? In many places. I look back and wonder why I've even trusted you for 12 years.
2. Get your head out of your a** and take a few minutes and realize that you're not the center of the universe. You are not better than everyone. You don't need to brag to everyone. Quit being a brown-noser. Please realize quickly that you are a jerk and should change. Again, you are not better than everyone. When someone says "stop" it means "stop." Not "oh, it's fine, just keep going, I'm just saying 'stop' so I can make some polite conversation..." Quit being disgusting. Seriously. Not everyone shares the same enthusiasm as you for singing praise for an extremely sensitive topic. I mean, seriously? Where is your head? Oh right, please take it out of your a**. Where is Thomas Paine when you need him to shove common sense through another's head?
3. Calm. The. ********. Down. (refer to #2)
4. I'm losing interest in all things except for one thing. And that grows stronger each day. I need to become a better person... I hope that's possible.
5. I hate ranting off on a tangent because then I start thinking and that leads to more thinking and solving ideas in my head which ultimately results in anger that's once again suppressed.
6. To keep telling myself that I'm not a failure in life. I'm only afraid of change. And I can control that change and move it in the direction that I please. I can do this... I hope.
7. My anger always simmers down into sadness. Wat dis.
8. I need to find something away from the house to occupy my mind. my hands. But I'd also like a dash of time to go with that. Need more time.
9. Why do I even stay up so late? =/ I left at 10:30pm, then proceeded to talk to my dad for 2 hours. I hate how I can't talk to him at all anymore. And he wonders why I hole up in my room all the time. There's a reason. -__- I can talk to him every other time after 9pm. But even then, he's busy or just falls asleep while talking to me. But I need help. ugh. I mean, I like that he's there for me... except it's only 30% of the time. laskhdfal;sih
10. I feel listless. Don't know what to do; can't think straight. Maybe some sleep will help...
Just ignore them?stop talking to them? heh sorry they don't really seem worth the hastle, theyve probably lied so much it would be hard for them not to lie heh
Most people will be jerk but are too dense or stuck up their own butts to realize stuff
*hugs tighter*
You should think one thing at a time heh and write things down to help you
things don't always need to change, You're not a failre XD I'm going to sit here and tell you everyday if I have too, its one thing you're not and thats a failure
Considering you were tired when I left you, I say sleep be good, you won't be able to straighten stuff out and could get cranky easily heh
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 5:10 am
waIlflower When people say they hate Filipinos, I really hope they mean just the ignorant ones who love to flaunt their pride. Sure, my culture can get out of hand when it comes to pride; sure my country is poor and corrupted; but really?
We don't eat dogs, we're partially Asian, Islander and Spanish (longggg history, gaise). We're poor due to a corrupted government, we have a large population and we move out of our country for a better start.
I'm not that much into showing pride of my culture/country. Unlike my sister who has a jacker with the flag on it and yelling out "FILO PRIDE!" with her friends. I don't like my heavily brown skin due to easy burning in the sun and I don't like my dark eyes and I don't really like my home language a lot.
I love my culture; its food and its landmarks in the country; but what I dislike is the cocky pride some of us have. ejskghsl
Don't mind this. Just an unstable rant about idiots.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 5:11 am
Yoru Kurosawa You want to live a dream...
I'm not certain what this is... I'm not certain at all...
Fall asleep and never wake up...
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 5:57 am
i feel bad about doing something although i feel i honestly don't have any other option that is likely to have an effect. i'm sure there will be consequences to pay tomorrow-today- a couple hours from now. *prepares for return of migrane*
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 9:55 am
kittycross i feel bad about doing something although i feel i honestly don't have any other option that is likely to have an effect. i'm sure there will be consequences to pay tomorrow-today- a couple hours from now. *prepares for return of migrane*
will you be ok?=[/why consequences to pay?if you don't have any other option I'm sure its understandable =[
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 10:30 am
I'm definitely self-destructing here. I've never been in this much pain before. I hate everything and everyone. Everything hurts.
I can't believe he isn't here anymore. The man I love more than life itself... the man I thought I would spend my entire life with... He's gone. He's really ******** gone. What do I do now? How did I ever think I could just move on with my life?
Everything feels hopeless. I just want to curl up and die T_______T
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 11:21 am
Kamok0 Yoru Kurosawa You want to live a dream...
I'm not certain what this is... I'm not certain at all...
Fall asleep and never wake up... You want to live a dream...
I have this friend... this very attractive friend. And I'm pretty sure that if he held up a hoop and said, "Jump," I'd jump through it. There's something about him that I want, but I don't know what it is. And I don't know if it's just "want" or "can't live without." I don't know if I've fallen for him, or if I'm just lusting after him... I'm so damn confused...
Fall asleep and never wake up...
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:22 pm
I'm many times more technically savvy, twice as large, and twice as rational.
Yet if I mind my own business in a way that irritates them in the slightest, gods only know why, they lose that rationality whilst attempting to use physical force and/or technical appliances in their favor.
Normally, if the people in question weren't related to me, I just wouldn't care. I wouldn't have to deal with them. I could just laugh at them like all the other dumbasses who try stupid s**t. But I have to deal with them.
'Course, if I played by their rules, I'd have about as much freedom as a guy on death row. If I step outside of those confines, they b***h to high hell and risk injuring themselves.
It's annoying being incapable of reasoning with or really even trusting family. Meeeeeeeeh.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:23 pm
Little Miss Fortune I'm definitely self-destructing here. I've never been in this much pain before. I hate everything and everyone. Everything hurts.
I can't believe he isn't here anymore. The man I love more than life itself... the man I thought I would spend my entire life with... He's gone. He's really ******** gone. What do I do now? How did I ever think I could just move on with my life?
Everything feels hopeless. I just want to curl up and die T_______T
A realm of infinite possibilities is there for the picking now.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:28 pm
Valheita Little Miss Fortune I'm definitely self-destructing here. I've never been in this much pain before. I hate everything and everyone. Everything hurts.
I can't believe he isn't here anymore. The man I love more than life itself... the man I thought I would spend my entire life with... He's gone. He's really ******** gone. What do I do now? How did I ever think I could just move on with my life?
Everything feels hopeless. I just want to curl up and die T_______T
A realm of infinite possibilities is there for the picking now.
That's how I've been looking at it for the last few days, but all of a sudden it hit me really hard today and I keep thinking all these thoughts like no one else could ever love me or what if I'm incapable of loving anyone else... I know what you're saying is true, but I'm having a hard time hammering it into my head at the moment... I just feel so emotional and upset and alone and... worthless. Like I wasn't good enough for him and I probably won't be good enough for anyone else either... I can't stop crying... I hate feeling like this... I miss him so much... I'd give anything to be in his arms right now... T_______T
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