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 Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 6:01 pm
Supermassive textwall warning. I just... sort of had to get it all out somewhere.
I think I may have had what qualified as the worst weekend of my life. But at the same time, there were still some good things that came out of it.
Saturday morning, I went to my grandmother's house to pick up her old car that she was giving to me (she couldn't get much money for it anyhow, it's a pretty beat-up '98 Civic). And Saturday morning and afternoon were mostly okay until my mom showed up and started complaining about how I'm not feminine enough, and how I should have a boyfriend by this point, and so on and so forth, with a few comments about the Army thrown in for good measure. Eventually, I decided to drive back to campus Saturday night instead of Sunday because I couldn't take it any more. So I did.
Now, I've got what's called a provisional parking permit. I haven't been assigned a permanent permit yet, so I get to deal with the nonsense that is temporary parking. Temp parking is all insanely far from where I live, probably around a mile and a half, and by the time I got back, it was dark and much of the route back isn't very well-lit. Since I got yelled at last weekend for walking around at night by myself, I got my friend Tim to walk back from the parking lot with me so that I don't get myself demerits for being subordinate or some such nonsense.
That's where things started going wrong. We were in front of Rudder Tower when we saw a police car pull up to a parked car and turn its lights on, and then heard "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" being shouted. Tim, being in a somewhat protective mood or something, moved to sort of nudge me over to one side. I jumped. I don't like people touching me, I don't like sudden movements, or any of that. But we crossed the street, and the same car pulled up on the opposite side (the side we were now walking on), and again he went to sort of pull me away from the decidedly suspicious car, and again I flinched.
It started a line of questions and my night quickly went downhill from there.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Do you think I'm going to hurt you?"
"No."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes."
"You always try to act like a Vulcan, everything always has to be logical for you. If you trust me and don't think I'm going to hurt you, why do you always freak out if I touch you?"
"I wish I could be logical about everything. But there are some things I just can't be."
He stopped walking at that point, and turned around to look at me. "Gabrielle. Why can't you be logical about this, then?"
"I just can't."
"Why not?"
"I can't."
"Did someone hurt you?"
"I... no."
"Did someone hurt you?"
"No."
"Are you lying to me?"
"..."
"I asked, are you lying to me?"
I was. But I was too freaked out to say anything. I just stood there on the sidewalk in front of Rudder Tower, cringing on the inside. Without saying anything, he started walking back in the direction of where we live, but stopped by the benches in front of a steam building (I actually don't know what it's called), and when he told me to sit down, I was too freaked out by the whole situation to do anything but sit. He'd asked me before, was the only person who'd never just accepted my fear as another of my quirks, but both other times he'd been half asleep, and telling him I was fine had been enough.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're lying."
"No."
"Gabrielle, you're shaking. You can't expect me to believe that nothing's wrong."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're lying. What happened to you?"
"Nothing."
"Do you not trust me enough to tell me?"
"I do."
"Then what's wrong?"
"I can't... I don't want to talk about it."
We spent maybe twenty minutes on that bench, or maybe only two, the questions going around in circles, always coming back to me being too terrified to say anything. I thought he was angry. I thought he believed that I didn't trust him. I thought that my fear had somehow hurt him. He walked me back to my dorm, and as soon as I was in the door, I practically sprinted to my room and just lay there on the floor crying. You ever hear the phrase worried sick? It was literal that night. I got maybe a half hour of sleep, but woke up from a nightmare and never managed to get back to sleep. In the morning I couldn't eat, and I went to church feeling like my body didn't belong to me any more, like I was a zombie.
I called him a little after noon and told him I was ready to talk. I wasn't. I don't think there is such a thing as ready. But I had been telling the truth when I said I trusted him. So we met in one of the quieter areas of the Commons basement, on a couch where there was no one around to hear or see.
"I..." When I get extremely nervous, my ability to speak disappears.
"It's okay."
"I... um..."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
"I do. Um... want to."
"Really, you don't have to. I wouldn't expect you to. If it makes you this nervous..."
"You... you were right. Last night. When you asked... um..."
"Someone hurt you?"
"... Yes." I don't know how he even heard my answer. I could hardly force the word out, it was barely even a whisper.
"Physically?"
"... Yes."
"Was it more than that?"
I couldn't even reply at that point, but I nodded, and for a minute he didn't say anything.
"I'm sorry. I thought maybe you... but I was worried about you. I hate seeing you so scared." He held out his hand towards me. "Take my hand. You trust me, right? You'll be able to let go if you want to. It'll make it easier."
So I did.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"You're lying again."
"I know. Sorry."
"... How old were you?"
"Sixteen."
"You trusted him, didn't you? And he betrayed that trust?"
"Yes."
"Gabrielle, do you believe that I would ever do anything to hurt you?"
"No."
"But you still don't completely trust me."
"No."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."
"It's fine. I... I wouldn't expect you to."
"Are you gonna be okay?"
"Yeah."
"Eventually?"
"Yeah, eventually."
"Did you sleep last night?"
"No, not really."
"You've said... you still have nightmares about it, don't you? That's why you complain about not sleeping some nights."
"Yeah."
"So what are you going to do now?"
"Find something to eat, I guess. I can't eat anything in the Commons, so probably bike to HEB."
"You mind if I come with you?"
"That's fine."
"Here, let me go get you a paper towel first so you can wash your face."
He stayed with me the rest of the day to make sure I was okay. The first thing I saw the next morning was a text asking me how I was doing. So yeah, it was a horrible, stressful weekend. First I found out that I've got gluten sensitivity and can't eat most of my favorite foods any more. And then... Telling him that was probably the most difficult things I've ever done.
But for all that went wrong, there was one thing that was good. Tim was a close friend before, but now I realize that he's the best sort of friend a person can possibly ask for. And I thank God for putting a person like him in my life.
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 6:14 pm
Little Miss Fortune Divine_Malevolence Little Miss Fortune I got a 25% on my test.
The guy in front of me got a 15, and the guy diagonally in front of me got a 10. The teacher said that about 1/3rd of the class got zeroes.
At least I know I'm not the only one who failed. But why doesn't the teacher seem to think there's a problem with this?
I found out I only need a 50% in the class to get a C, though, so I think I'm gonna tough it out and just go for the C instead of dropping. It'll ******** up my GPA, but at least I won't lose my scholarship.
I never realized how difficult it was to deal with my own problems. How was Alex able to deal with all of my s**t ON TOP OF his own for so long?!?! No wonder he wants to dump my a** xp To be fair, those problems would take forever with a computer. And were also very troublesome with their definition of square root.
Did you do all of them? XDOnly the ones that I showed ya.
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 7:04 pm
Damn it! I asked the girls on an advice board to read my guy situation. Their repsonse is "Oh tell him to slow down." I wanted you to say he didn't like me and I was overreacting! gonk
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:21 pm
GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:22 pm
Phoenixious GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T *hugs tightly*
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:28 pm
Shiori Miko Damn it! I asked the girls on an advice board to read my guy situation. Their repsonse is "Oh tell him to slow down." I wanted you to say he didn't like me and I was overreacting! gonk heh maybe they thought thats what you wanted to hear? =/
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:33 pm
Kamastr0 Phoenixious GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T *hugs tightly*
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:35 pm
Phoenixious Kamastr0 Phoenixious GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T *hugs tightly* /hugfest :C
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:42 pm
LifeSuxEatCake Phoenixious Kamastr0 Phoenixious GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T *hugs tightly* /hugfest :C T___T heart
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:45 pm
Phoenixious Kamastr0 Phoenixious GRRRRRAAWWWRRRRRRR! scream gonk T_____T *hugs tightly* anytime, if you want to talk or anything pm me okies? =]
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:47 pm
So kiss me softly...
For the love of God, Buddha, or whatever divinity you pray to: either stay or go, but stop being a ******** b***h about it!
It could be deadly...
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:50 pm
Yoru Kurosawa So kiss me softly...
For the love of God, Buddha, or whatever divinity you pray to: either stay or go, but stop being a ******** b***h about it!
It could be deadly...
*hugs* try to not let it get to you, sometimes its best to be happy and oblivious and ignore the bad juju, i know its hard.
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Nespin Fernagon Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 8:53 pm
Reminder: please keep in guild issues out of this thread. Send them a message or a comment if you want to say something to someone directly.
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