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 Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:28 pm
Well my simple response... why is life worth living? Out of the billions or even trillions of sperm cells, mine was fertized w/ my mother's egg. So I'll be sure as hell to get through life that the rest of my "bretheren/sisteren(?) have not been able to receive. I don't know what's down the road, but I'm willing to find out. I'll attempt to find a happy life as I can as I go, since going for a singular path/career doesn't seem possible for me (as part of the words from Raine in Tales of Symphonia "As time goes by, months, years even decades change is inevitable"). My current goal is to reach for computer engineering, but since I'm at an undefined major, my career choice may be altered a bit. I met doctors that wanted to be journalists and lawyers that wanted to be doctors but couldn't memorize all the medical information. EDIT: I just remembered my English Teacher. She WAS an X-ray technician making loads of money, but that didn't make her happy. She didn't like it much because it was dull, and decided to use her teacher's degree since she liked being around teens much more.
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:39 pm
My neck, it's killing me.*Tries to massage it.*
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:11 pm
Jer0nim0 I watched the Valentine's episode for Glee, where people got mono from making out. I apparently tested positive for mono. I am asexual as hell and have never so much as hugged people of my own accord, let alone kissed anyone. "Sharing pillows, straws, toothbrushes, or food from the same plate can also spread mono." <- I have not done any of that either. Going to school next week is going to be horrible because of that Glee episode. /headdesks repeatedly. =[ *hugs*
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Posted: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:51 pm
Ignore me please - I just need to get this out and there is nobody I can really talk to online atm. ^^;
OH MY GOD.
I have never. EVER. Been so effing pissed off in my life.
I was shaking for a good 30-40 minutes because of you.
No. I have not met her in "real life."
Does that make her any less my best friend? No.
No. I did not meet him in "real life."
Does that mean I did not love him, and am not upset that he left me? No.
If you hated me and her so much,
for so long,
why didn't you grow a pair and tell us?
You obviously never cared about how we felt.
I don't get it.
My god.
I can't believe I ever cared about you,
or even considered you my friend.
----
lmao, right as I post that the person I wanted to talk to got online. xDDD
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 3:07 am
I don't really think this needs white text but anyway;
I am not pleased with this update. There, I said it. It's just going to double the amount of notices ;.; . That being said, I am, however, happy that Gaia is finally taking some notice of guilds. o;
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:26 am
Okay, so I'm dead serious when I say - Don't read this if you want to think of me as a sane person. Like, really. Once you read this, you're going to think I'm clinically insane.
My heart's pounding right now. I only took one pill. My ears are throbbing and I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. Well, that's what you get for swallowing a panadol without water, I guess. Even though I'm sure it went down fine. I'm shivering right now, aching to remember everything I just wrote in my mind. I can feel it slipping away. I need to remember it. I need to have it typed out, so I know these thoughts are real.
I always write things in my head. Thoughts, poems, entire stories or essays or speeches. And they're fantastic. But when I go to write or type them, I can never remember word for word and it ends up beeing worse than my "draft" in my head. .
Okay, I can't remember exactly what I wrote or the structure of it, so this is going to be choppy and unordered.
I can't go back. I can't be who I was again, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try. I was amazing. Ew, ego strikes again. Just bear with me, I know what I mean. I don't know what happenned. I'm struggling with the simplest bit of homework. I can't focus, I can't concentrate at all. Everyone expects me to keep up my academic standards, everything my life was, everything they still see me as. I wonder if the paint of that picture is beginning to fade, if the corners of the paper are starting to curl, if they're able to see past their own blindness and feel the hurt I'm constantly feeling.
No one would suspect that I have scars on my wrist, that I have a knife under my pillow, that I'm the one who cries herself to sleep often, wishing she could end it all. No one sees past the mask, and that's an extraordinary thing.
There's another tear rolling down my cheek. And it doesn't feel out of place. I'm not happy. But I know that I could be in just an instant. I don't think it would be real happiness, though. Maybe it's something I've developed from hiding behind that cheery mask for so long.
I don't like who or what I've become. And even if I switch to old, happy me mode, I'll just feel bad afterwards anyway.
Sometimes I'll stare at the little container of elliptical, scarlet pills sitting prettily on the shelf and imagine what it would be like if I took just a few extra, if I let it all go. Would it be peaceful? Would it hurt? Would I be in bliss? Do the dead have stress?
I face a deep, emotional battle everyday. A moral war inside my own head Do I deserve what I'm capable of? Destruction and harmony all in one. Death seems like a pretty fair deal. The fight is always there, sometimes the pain can be more dormant, but it's always there. I spend precious minutes thinking of all the ways I could silence the beast that roars inside my head, one longing for freedom. Iron overdose would be easy. Bleeding out would be tedious. A jump off a bridge into rough seas would be cold, to say the least.
I still haven't posted the most insane part of all this. The part I really need noted down. The part that will make you all go "What the fu**?".
I have stages of my. . . depression? Withdrawl? There's no word for it.
Dark stage of life --> "false remission" --> progress --> withdrawl/hopelessness --> real happiness --> knocked back dwon in life --> get back up --> pure happiness/best part of life --> rinse and repeat. Mostly.
Oh God, I still haven't written down the weirdest part(s). Maybe because they're recurring things I know I'll remember because of one thing or another. But congratulations, you now know some of my deepest and darkest secrets! Note I said "some of".
I'm not seeking comfort, nor a happy message of support you feel obliged to write, I just needed it down and this seems like a good place.
Now that I've cleared my head by 0.000000000000000000000000001%, I'm going to go back to that homework and see if I can do it.
EDIT: Adding in some things I forgot and other stuff. e.e;
One of the hardest parts about this is right now, I'm in the "depressed" stage. I was 'clean' for a long while, but things kept getting me down and I had to get 'sick' to be able to get 'better'. I'm not going to tell you how I do it, that's one of the "OMG YOU'RE ******** INSANE" parts. The only thing I can look to for comfort right now is that I know it'll all be over soon. It goes in a cycle. I need to remember all this because this is only my second time and I'm basing everything on personal assumptions.
Another thing I can't believe I left out is the remembering part.
My memory's. . . you just never know what to expect. And I can't remember what I was going to write for this. So never mind.
And I finished''' that homework. Turns out letting some of this all out did help. Notice how I sound different here to how I did before? Like, the upper paragraphs of this post? That's because that was all dreamy emotional formal mind stuff, whereas this is more logical thinking straight srsbsns stuff.
>>
<<
You can go now.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:02 am
Jedi Sasquatch
EDIT: If you read this, can you please respond? You don't need to give advice or whatever, I just want to know that somebody out there is actually reading this.I read it ;3 And I understand what you mean ;3
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:02 am
can someone tell me what mono is and what it does and on another note, my future is condemned D: I'm gonna end up livin in a cardboard box....a boxen...cuz I'm struggling in school and I can't seem to excel no matter how hard I try, I think there's somethin in mah subconscious that's keeping me from excelling D:
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:05 am
AstralStorm can someone tell me what mono is and what it does and on another note, my future is condemned D: I'm gonna end up livin in a cardboard box....a boxen...cuz I'm struggling in school and I can't seem to excel no matter how hard I try, I think there's somethin in mah subconscious that's keeping me from excelling D: Infectious Mononucleosis .....Glandular Fever. owo It's an illness whch makes your tonsils and your lymph nodes swell up and gives you a sore throat and makes you tired and can be diagnosed from one little blood test. :3
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:07 am
cave_dweller_candy AstralStorm can someone tell me what mono is and what it does and on another note, my future is condemned D: I'm gonna end up livin in a cardboard box....a boxen...cuz I'm struggling in school and I can't seem to excel no matter how hard I try, I think there's somethin in mah subconscious that's keeping me from excelling D: Infectious Mononucleosis .....Glandular Fever. owo It's an illness whch makes your tonsils and your lymph nodes swell up and gives you a sore throat and makes you tired and can be diagnosed from one little blood test. :3 ah. glad I had my tonsils removed sweatdrop is curable right?
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 7:46 am
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:03 am
cave_dweller_candy Okay, so I'm dead serious when I say - Don't read this if you want to think of me as a sane person. Like, really. Once you read this, you're going to think I'm clinically insane.
My heart's pounding right now. I only took one pill. My ears are throbbing and I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. Well, that's what you get for swallowing a panadol without water, I guess. Even though I'm sure it went down fine. I'm shivering right now, aching to remember everything I just wrote in my mind. I can feel it slipping away. I need to remember it. I need to have it typed out, so I know these thoughts are real.
I always write things in my head. Thoughts, poems, entire stories or essays or speeches. And they're fantastic. But when I go to write or type them, I can never remember word for word and it ends up beeing worse than my "draft" in my head. .
Okay, I can't remember exactly what I wrote or the structure of it, so this is going to be choppy and unordered.
I can't go back. I can't be who I was again, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try. I was amazing. Ew, ego strikes again. Just bear with me, I know what I mean. I don't know what happenned. I'm struggling with the simplest bit of homework. I can't focus, I can't concentrate at all. Everyone expects me to keep up my academic standards, everything my life was, everything they still see me as. I wonder if the paint of that picture is beginning to fade, if the corners of the paper are starting to curl, if they're able to see past their own blindness and feel the hurt I'm constantly feeling.
No one would suspect that I have scars on my wrist, that I have a knife under my pillow, that I'm the one who cries herself to sleep often, wishing she could end it all. No one sees past the mask, and that's an extraordinary thing.
There's another tear rolling down my cheek. And it doesn't feel out of place. I'm not happy. But I know that I could be in just an instant. I don't think it would be real happiness, though. Maybe it's something I've developed from hiding behind that cheery mask for so long.
I don't like who or what I've become. And even if I switch to old, happy me mode, I'll just feel bad afterwards anyway.
Sometimes I'll stare at the little container of elliptical, scarlet pills sitting prettily on the shelf and imagine what it would be like if I took just a few extra, if I let it all go. Would it be peaceful? Would it hurt? Would I be in bliss? Do the dead have stress?
I face a deep, emotional battle everyday. A moral war inside my own head Do I deserve what I'm capable of? Destruction and harmony all in one. Death seems like a pretty fair deal. The fight is always there, sometimes the pain can be more dormant, but it's always there. I spend precious minutes thinking of all the ways I could silence the beast that roars inside my head, one longing for freedom. Iron overdose would be easy. Bleeding out would be tedious. A jump off a bridge into rough seas would be cold, to say the least.
I still haven't posted the most insane part of all this. The part I really need noted down. The part that will make you all go "What the fu**?".
I have stages of my. . . depression? Withdrawl? There's no word for it.
Dark stage of life --> "false remission" --> progress --> withdrawl/hopelessness --> real happiness --> knocked back dwon in life --> get back up --> pure happiness/best part of life --> rinse and repeat. Mostly.
Oh God, I still haven't written down the weirdest part(s). Maybe because they're recurring things I know I'll remember because of one thing or another. But congratulations, you now know some of my deepest and darkest secrets! Note I said "some of".
I'm not seeking comfort, nor a happy message of support you feel obliged to write, I just needed it down and this seems like a good place.
Now that I've cleared my head by 0.000000000000000000000000001%, I'm going to go back to that homework and see if I can do it.
EDIT: Adding in some things I forgot and other stuff. e.e;
One of the hardest parts about this is right now, I'm in the "depressed" stage. I was 'clean' for a long while, but things kept getting me down and I had to get 'sick' to be able to get 'better'. I'm not going to tell you how I do it, that's one of the "OMG YOU'RE ******** INSANE" parts. The only thing I can look to for comfort right now is that I know it'll all be over soon. It goes in a cycle. I need to remember all this because this is only my second time and I'm basing everything on personal assumptions.
Another thing I can't believe I left out is the remembering part.
My memory's. . . you just never know what to expect. And I can't remember what I was going to write for this. So never mind.
And I finished''' that homework. Turns out letting some of this all out did help. Notice how I sound different here to how I did before? Like, the upper paragraphs of this post? That's because that was all dreamy emotional formal mind stuff, whereas this is more logical thinking straight srsbsns stuff.
>>
<<
You can go now.
Jedi Sasquatch
EDIT: If you read this, can you please respond? You don't need to give advice or whatever, I just want to know that somebody out there is actually reading this.EDIT : @ Astral, yes, mono is completely curable with a course of anti-biotics EDIT EDIT : as soon as I wrote biotics I thought about the biotics from the Mass Effect Universe... I need to be less nerdy
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:08 am
So the other day, I got an email from a school staff member asking me to meet with her, and I became worried that it was something bad, because while some of these meetings turn out to just be check-ins, there always seems to be something I did wrong that I didn't even know about. So I met with her yesterday and it was something bad, and apparently there's a "pattern" so I have to meet with her and one of my teachers to talk it through. This wouldn't be so bad if a) the only possible time we might be able to do it before next Wednesday is today, and I still haven't gotten the email on whether or not we can meet today, and b) the meeting determines whether or not to tell my parents. And there's only so much I can say about how that would make my life a living hell without making them suspicious. So if I make a mistake during the conversation, they'll be let in on the fact that I've been unintentionally "disruptive", and this would be a very bad thing. Not only would they be bitching at me for a week and on my case about it for months, but they would definitely revoke their decision to let me move out this summer, and most likely keep me here next year as well. So my life is about to be utterly ruined, at least for the next twenty months, because the staff at my school find my behavior "abnormal". And even if I get lucky this time, there will undoubtedly be a next time, because I can't just change my instinctive behavior with a snap of my fingers, especially if I'm barely even aware of it...and I highly doubt there will be an "if" when it happens again. My parents will know, whether it be today, next Wednesday, or in a month or so, and there's essentially nothing I can do about it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:33 am
cave_dweller_candy Okay, so I'm dead serious when I say - Don't read this if you want to think of me as a sane person. Like, really. Once you read this, you're going to think I'm clinically insane.
My heart's pounding right now. I only took one pill. My ears are throbbing and I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. Well, that's what you get for swallowing a panadol without water, I guess. Even though I'm sure it went down fine. I'm shivering right now, aching to remember everything I just wrote in my mind. I can feel it slipping away. I need to remember it. I need to have it typed out, so I know these thoughts are real.
I always write things in my head. Thoughts, poems, entire stories or essays or speeches. And they're fantastic. But when I go to write or type them, I can never remember word for word and it ends up beeing worse than my "draft" in my head. .
Okay, I can't remember exactly what I wrote or the structure of it, so this is going to be choppy and unordered.
I can't go back. I can't be who I was again, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try. I was amazing. Ew, ego strikes again. Just bear with me, I know what I mean. I don't know what happenned. I'm struggling with the simplest bit of homework. I can't focus, I can't concentrate at all. Everyone expects me to keep up my academic standards, everything my life was, everything they still see me as. I wonder if the paint of that picture is beginning to fade, if the corners of the paper are starting to curl, if they're able to see past their own blindness and feel the hurt I'm constantly feeling.
No one would suspect that I have scars on my wrist, that I have a knife under my pillow, that I'm the one who cries herself to sleep often, wishing she could end it all. No one sees past the mask, and that's an extraordinary thing.
There's another tear rolling down my cheek. And it doesn't feel out of place. I'm not happy. But I know that I could be in just an instant. I don't think it would be real happiness, though. Maybe it's something I've developed from hiding behind that cheery mask for so long.
I don't like who or what I've become. And even if I switch to old, happy me mode, I'll just feel bad afterwards anyway.
Sometimes I'll stare at the little container of elliptical, scarlet pills sitting prettily on the shelf and imagine what it would be like if I took just a few extra, if I let it all go. Would it be peaceful? Would it hurt? Would I be in bliss? Do the dead have stress?
I face a deep, emotional battle everyday. A moral war inside my own head Do I deserve what I'm capable of? Destruction and harmony all in one. Death seems like a pretty fair deal. The fight is always there, sometimes the pain can be more dormant, but it's always there. I spend precious minutes thinking of all the ways I could silence the beast that roars inside my head, one longing for freedom. Iron overdose would be easy. Bleeding out would be tedious. A jump off a bridge into rough seas would be cold, to say the least.
I still haven't posted the most insane part of all this. The part I really need noted down. The part that will make you all go "What the fu**?".
I have stages of my. . . depression? Withdrawl? There's no word for it.
Dark stage of life --> "false remission" --> progress --> withdrawl/hopelessness --> real happiness --> knocked back dwon in life --> get back up --> pure happiness/best part of life --> rinse and repeat. Mostly.
Oh God, I still haven't written down the weirdest part(s). Maybe because they're recurring things I know I'll remember because of one thing or another. But congratulations, you now know some of my deepest and darkest secrets! Note I said "some of".
I'm not seeking comfort, nor a happy message of support you feel obliged to write, I just needed it down and this seems like a good place.
Now that I've cleared my head by 0.000000000000000000000000001%, I'm going to go back to that homework and see if I can do it.
EDIT: Adding in some things I forgot and other stuff. e.e;
Oneg I can look to for comfort right now is that I know it'll all be over soon. It goes of the hardest parts about this is right now, I'm in the "depressed" stage. I was 'clean' for a long while, but things kept getting me down and I had to get 'sick' to be able to get 'better'. I'm not going to tell you how I do it, that's one of the "OMG YOU'RE ******** INSANE" parts. The only thin in a cycle. I need to remember all this because this is only my second time and I'm basing everything on personal assumptions.
Another thing I can't believe I left out is the remembering part.
My memory's. . . you just never know what to expect. And I can't remember what I was going to write for this. So never mind.
And I finished''' that homework. Turns out letting some of this all out did help. Notice how I sound different here to how I did before? Like, the upper paragraphs of this post? That's because that was all dreamy emotional formal mind stuff, whereas this is more logical thinking straight srsbsns stuff.
>>
<<
You can go now.
*hugs* Doesn't sound insane to me =]
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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2011 9:37 am
Kamastr0 cave_dweller_candy Okay, so I'm dead serious when I say - Don't read this if you want to think of me as a sane person. Like, really. Once you read this, you're going to think I'm clinically insane.
My heart's pounding right now. I only took one pill. My ears are throbbing and I feel like there's something stuck in my throat. Well, that's what you get for swallowing a panadol without water, I guess. Even though I'm sure it went down fine. I'm shivering right now, aching to remember everything I just wrote in my mind. I can feel it slipping away. I need to remember it. I need to have it typed out, so I know these thoughts are real.
I always write things in my head. Thoughts, poems, entire stories or essays or speeches. And they're fantastic. But when I go to write or type them, I can never remember word for word and it ends up beeing worse than my "draft" in my head. .
Okay, I can't remember exactly what I wrote or the structure of it, so this is going to be choppy and unordered.
I can't go back. I can't be who I was again, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try. I was amazing. Ew, ego strikes again. Just bear with me, I know what I mean. I don't know what happenned. I'm struggling with the simplest bit of homework. I can't focus, I can't concentrate at all. Everyone expects me to keep up my academic standards, everything my life was, everything they still see me as. I wonder if the paint of that picture is beginning to fade, if the corners of the paper are starting to curl, if they're able to see past their own blindness and feel the hurt I'm constantly feeling.
No one would suspect that I have scars on my wrist, that I have a knife under my pillow, that I'm the one who cries herself to sleep often, wishing she could end it all. No one sees past the mask, and that's an extraordinary thing.
There's another tear rolling down my cheek. And it doesn't feel out of place. I'm not happy. But I know that I could be in just an instant. I don't think it would be real happiness, though. Maybe it's something I've developed from hiding behind that cheery mask for so long.
I don't like who or what I've become. And even if I switch to old, happy me mode, I'll just feel bad afterwards anyway.
Sometimes I'll stare at the little container of elliptical, scarlet pills sitting prettily on the shelf and imagine what it would be like if I took just a few extra, if I let it all go. Would it be peaceful? Would it hurt? Would I be in bliss? Do the dead have stress?
I face a deep, emotional battle everyday. A moral war inside my own head Do I deserve what I'm capable of? Destruction and harmony all in one. Death seems like a pretty fair deal. The fight is always there, sometimes the pain can be more dormant, but it's always there. I spend precious minutes thinking of all the ways I could silence the beast that roars inside my head, one longing for freedom. Iron overdose would be easy. Bleeding out would be tedious. A jump off a bridge into rough seas would be cold, to say the least.
I still haven't posted the most insane part of all this. The part I really need noted down. The part that will make you all go "What the fu**?".
I have stages of my. . . depression? Withdrawl? There's no word for it.
Dark stage of life --> "false remission" --> progress --> withdrawl/hopelessness --> real happiness --> knocked back dwon in life --> get back up --> pure happiness/best part of life --> rinse and repeat. Mostly.
Oh God, I still haven't written down the weirdest part(s). Maybe because they're recurring things I know I'll remember because of one thing or another. But congratulations, you now know some of my deepest and darkest secrets! Note I said "some of".
I'm not seeking comfort, nor a happy message of support you feel obliged to write, I just needed it down and this seems like a good place.
Now that I've cleared my head by 0.000000000000000000000000001%, I'm going to go back to that homework and see if I can do it.
EDIT: Adding in some things I forgot and other stuff. e.e;
Oneg I can look to for comfort right now is that I know it'll all be over soon. It goes of the hardest parts about this is right now, I'm in the "depressed" stage. I was 'clean' for a long while, but things kept getting me down and I had to get 'sick' to be able to get 'better'. I'm not going to tell you how I do it, that's one of the "OMG YOU'RE ******** INSANE" parts. The only thin in a cycle. I need to remember all this because this is only my second time and I'm basing everything on personal assumptions.
Another thing I can't believe I left out is the remembering part.
My memory's. . . you just never know what to expect. And I can't remember what I was going to write for this. So never mind.
And I finished''' that homework. Turns out letting some of this all out did help. Notice how I sound different here to how I did before? Like, the upper paragraphs of this post? That's because that was all dreamy emotional formal mind stuff, whereas this is more logical thinking straight srsbsns stuff.
>>
<<
You can go now.
*hugs* Doesn't sound insane to me =] ^ /huggggggs owo <3333
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