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 Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:11 pm
Jedi Sasquatch Tasn Zheng Jedi Sasquatch I've been trying not to talk about my feelings, but whenever I hold it in I just get more and more depressed. But whenever I bring it up people just get upset. So, I guess I'll talk about it here. Nobody's going to listen and nobody's going to care, but oh well.
I look at everyone's posts in here and in the zCB, and I feel like the world is just fine without me. Like everyone's just going on their lives, and whenever I try to be part of the world instead of an outsider I just ******** things up. I just make things worse.
I know I'm not the only one suffering from depression. But I never see other people struggle with it, I never see other people making everyone upset because of their feelings. That's why I feel like it's all my fault, like I should just die and make the world a happier place without me.
I know I shouldn't bring up suicide anymore, but I don't know where else to go. My counselor's office was closed today. I'm sorry, everyone.
You're right, zCB will go on with or without you, but the same could be said for a lot of people that post here. It's a community, but people come and leave.
I haven't been following what has been going on, so I don't know how you are pissing people off. It might be that people just don't want to hear about it or if people aren't responding, it's because they don't know what to say that wouldn't sound unfeeling or cruel. That is my opinion based off experience, but not yours, of course.
By the way, I don't think you've made any enemies here as far as I can tell. You're an active poster and people are respectful towards your opinions and people do like you. If they didn't, why would they respond to your threads? If people thought you were just an annoying nobody, there is always the ignore button. *shrugs*
I won't be able to give much advice as I have never been good at it. However, if you ever need to just vent, my PM box is open. I might not reply, but you can always check your outbox to see that I've read it at the very least. If I don't respond, it's probably because I don't know what to say.
But thanks. I appreciate your insight.
EDIT: Also, I know all that stuff about 'learning from my mistakes.' It's just that I'm 18 years old, and I've been trying to learn from my mistakes my entire life. By this point I just feel like I'm a screwup.
I get you on that, but you are still young. While according to modern society, 18 means you're an adult, I find that most 18 year olds aren't extremely accomplished and are still very much lost about life. Hell, I'm almost 21 and I still have doubts about what I'm going to do with my life and ******** up all the time.
Screwing up is part of life and no one ever learns completely from all their mistakes. People repeat mistakes because they forget, etc. The only reason others might not be perceived as screwups is because they simply don't act like they are or don't believe themselves to be, despite all their faults.
Try thinking of the things you do right rather than the things you do wrong. I know it's hard when you're depressed to think optimistically, but it can help if you can manage it. Focusing on the negative only makes you more depressed, after all.
I'm sure I didn't address all the issues you raised adequately and I apologize. Everyone has their own unique experiences and it also applies to depression and the methods to get out of it.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:21 pm
How do you thank someone for the best sleep you've had in ages? For being able to wake up without screaming, crying or shaking uncontrollably? Incidentally, the last time I slept nightmare-free was also when this person sang me to sleep... But I'd feel bad if I asked him to sing more. >.< Because I never get to do anything for him. Or it never occurs to me because I'm actually happy ._.
He does so much for me and I never do anything for him...
@Jedi: On the contrary, I do read what you have to say (in this thread, anyway. I rarely read anything else). I never responded to your posts because I didn't know what to say. (Shameful excuse, there... ._.)
I am going through what you're going through right now. Well, for the past 4-5 years and present. It's really difficult, and some people never get through it at all...
You have to have hope. And find things that you enjoy doing - you mentioned your blog, which is fantastic! My mom did the same thing about a year or two ago and it really helped her out of most of her depression. Just keep at it.
And if it helps to get your feelings out - do it. Post a long textwall. Often it helps just to type it out.
Please feel better. I'm not the best person for insight, but I can try to provide comfort.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:40 pm
Maris Pallitax How do you thank someone for the best sleep you've had in ages? For being able to wake up without screaming, crying or shaking uncontrollably? Incidentally, the last time I slept nightmare-free was also when this person sang me to sleep... But I'd feel bad if I asked him to sing more. >.< Because I never get to do anything for him. Or it never occurs to me because I'm actually happy ._.
He does so much for me and I never do anything for him...@Jedi: On the contrary, I do read what you have to say (in this thread, anyway. I rarely read anything else). I never responded to your posts because I didn't know what to say. (Shameful excuse, there... ._.)
I am going through what you're going through right now. Well, for the past 4-5 years and present. It's really difficult, and some people never get through it at all...
You have to have hope. And find things that you enjoy doing - you mentioned your blog, which is fantastic! My mom did the same thing about a year or two ago and it really helped her out of most of her depression. Just keep at it.
And if it helps to get your feelings out - do it. Post a long textwall. Often it helps just to type it out.
Please feel better. I'm not the best person for insight, but I can try to provide comfort. @Tasn: I actually think you did cover everything I said, or at least most of it. I really appreciate it. I think I'm gonna post here more often.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:03 pm
I've had this feeling that something bad is going to happen all day.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 5:41 pm
I want to die right now. Really badly.
At the beginning of January I remember thinking to myself, "You know what? I bet I could be Member of the Month for this month. Easy."
Now I'm sitting here, holding my breath. Even though I know I'm not going to get it. The truth is that I don't deserve it. I've ******** up here way too many times to deserve anything.
It was just wishful thinking, me thinking I could come off as a respectable human being. I wish I were dead.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:11 pm
Jedi Sasquatch I want to die right now. Really badly.
At the beginning of January I remember thinking to myself, "You know what? I bet I could be Member of the Month for this month. Easy."
Now I'm sitting here, holding my breath. Even though I know I'm not going to get it. The truth is that I don't deserve it. I've ******** up here way too many times to deserve anything.
It was just wishful thinking, me thinking I could come off as a respectable human being. I wish I were dead.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:24 pm
Won't stop. It won't stop. Never stops. Make it stop. Make it stop make it stop makeitstop stopit stop it stopit pleasejustmake it stop nevernever stops and I have to makeitstop I havetomakeit kill me killmenowplease please kill me please killl me pleasekillmeplease please just make it stop
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:29 pm
People who expect you to do all the work in a friendship/relationship/whatever aren't worth keeping. Then why do I feel horrible when I see the people I gave up on? They were hurtful, negative people and they're out of my life for a reason. They refused to believe they did anything wrong and made no effort to change. Doing the right thing shouldn't hurt even long after it was done.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:32 pm
LabTech Kestin Won't stop. It won't stop. Never stops. Make it stop. Make it stop make it stop makeitstop stopit stop it stopit pleasejustmake it stop nevernever stops and I have to makeitstop I havetomakeit kill me killmenowplease please kill me please killl me pleasekillmeplease please just make it stop Wh-wh-what's wrong? ;3; *worried*
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:45 pm
*inhale* *exhale*
I've been in a terrible mood all day today. I don't know why, but I feel like crying. I've tried using my stress relievers, but they really didn't help. I'm trying to start on this math homework, and as the minutes pass, I'm getting more and more frustrated. This workbook they gave me really doesn't help at all. There's hardly any instructions or examples in the sections, and there's not enough room to write definitions and/or solve problems. We're supposed to look up some videos along with solving the problems, but what I'm working on isn't there. I'd look in the text book, but I don't have it yet. In fact, none of the books that I've ordered are here. I ordered them a little over two weeks ago. I knew I'd have a hard time without them. I'm already behind in my other math class. And if I don't get them by tomorrow? Then I might be in a lot of trouble. I'll do as much of this math homework as I can for the next hour, but this is seriously throwing me off.
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Posted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:49 pm
Foam-Dome Jedi Sasquatch I want to die right now. Really badly.
At the beginning of January I remember thinking to myself, "You know what? I bet I could be Member of the Month for this month. Easy."
Now I'm sitting here, holding my breath. Even though I know I'm not going to get it. The truth is that I don't deserve it. I've ******** up here way too many times to deserve anything.
It was just wishful thinking, me thinking I could come off as a respectable human being. I wish I were dead.
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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:43 am
SO MANY GOOD THINGS HAPPENING TODAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
(Don't highlight if you're one of those people who gets all jealous and will end up hating me XD)
I get a snowday today! It's like the ONE time I get to sleep in (I have to wake up early either for school or work everyyyy day) since I knew last night I wouldn't have school. If only I knew if my homework was still due Friday, I could relax even moooore! I'm hanging out in my pajamas and don't even have to wear a bra! XD
And my mom bought a few video games for me and my brother for no reason! She just saw the kinds of games we were playing (Karaoke Revolution and Mario Party) and ordered some more without telling us! And since we both have a snowday today, we get to stay home and play them! =D
I also found out that my parents had money set aside to pay for my college. They already paid for community college for me (which I thought was all they were doing), and I already have a student loan paying for this semester and last semester, but she said I can use that money for next year! AND since my brother isn't going to college, she said that my other brother and I can split up his college money! And since I already have almost enough McDonald's money to pay off my loan when the time comes, I'm pretty much set o___O
Yesterday was so suckish with all the horrible weather and everything, but today is awesoooome!!! @___@ <33333333
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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:42 am
I am so damn happy that presentation went okay. I was worried I'd just look corny as hell. Even if that's a bit of a BS class I don't like doing badly on projects. Ever.
I lul'd when people were surprised I drew the people in that though. The outlines didn't look realistic at all. >,>;
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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:51 am
is participating in 4 month stock experiment and is in first place, with a gain of 75,000 dollars in 5 days.
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