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 Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:44 pm
LabTech Kestin Foam-Dome I highly doubt that you could offend me that badly, Kestin. XD (Do you accept the challenge? Y/N) Even if you did turn out to be one of the few people on earth who wouldn't be offended by what I want to say...I'm more concerned with the fact that I could never say something like this in public, whereas the other "side" is being posted in the form of threads which have tens of supportive replies. It's just not fair. *gripes* Well, it would be helpful to know what these "sides" are so I can know whether I agree with you or not. o3o
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:47 pm
cave_dweller_candy Jedi Sasquatch cave_dweller_candy Jedi Sasquatch I didn't want to say this to anyone, but I feel like I have to. You may not want to read this. I don't know why, but all I can think of doing today is cutting. I'm already planning to do it tomorrow. I can't find my knife anywhere so I'm going to use one of the kitchen knives.
I don't know why I hate myself so much right now, but all I want to do is cut myself and bleed.
They don't leave scars, just little marks sometimes - so it takes away the stress of having to hide scars from cutting. I'm pro. xD
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. But I haven't taken my own life because the good moments in life are worth putting up with the bad. =)
My problem is that I don't like a lot of things about who I am. And I can't even pinpoint what those things are. I just basically hate myself, and I want to punish myself for being such a screwup.
Or something. I don't know. I'm not a psychologist.
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:00 pm
Jedi Sasquatch Well, it's not that I feel like the bad moments outweigh the good. I mean, from an objective standpoint, my life is going fine right now. I have friends, a loving family, internet, lots of games, and I don't even have to deal with the stress of work or school.
My problem is that I don't like a lot of things about who I am. And I can't even pinpoint what those things are. I just basically hate myself, and I want to punish myself for being such a screwup.
Or something. I don't know. I'm not a psychologist. XD The thing about that is, punishing yourself won't fix what you don't like about yourself. If you genuinely don't like who you are, you have to put effort into changing yourself for the better. You're a smart guy, so I'm sure you already realize that, but I'm still stating it just in case.
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:10 pm
I might have been wrong about what I said. I've had theories on why I've been so depressed and I think some of them are wrong. It's just... Damn it, I feel so alone all the time...
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:32 pm
Jedi Sasquatch I might have been wrong about what I said. I've had theories on why I've been so depressed and I think some of them are wrong. It's just... Damn it, I feel so alone all the time... So do I. Every day, in fact. But I don't think, "Well, I should go cut myself." I think, "Things will change for the better somewhere down the road."
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:34 pm
Loneliness isn't the only thing I feel.
Damn it, I'm done trying to explain this.
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:34 pm
Definitely tl;dr and more of a few thoughts than actual secrets. I just feel awkward making a journal entry or a thread about it. I'm far too thoughtful when I'm stressed. What makes it worse is I'm thoughtful about everything, but the subject that I need to focus on.
--
Could my life have been better if I were to have been born earlier? Perhaps of the opposite gender as I've always wanted?
I think about this and realize several factors that might be problematic if the above were true:
-My life would possibly be more dependent on my the station of my family. There's no telling if I could be worse off than middle class.
-I would most definitely not be tolerated with regards to sexual preference if I were a male at an early time period. Hell, even if I were a male now, I'd probably face a whole lot of persecution. Possibility that if I were born too early, if I acted on preference for males, I could be breaking the law.
Then I wonder another thing: what if I were born at a later time? Would my life be any better?
In ways, it might be. But as I watch the education system crumble all about me and the price for information of the educative sort rise, I can't say I favour the possibility of being a 21st century kid, let alone any century after.
I think and think, weighing the past, present, and future possibilities and realise one thing:
Despite my dissastisfaction with life as it is right now, as my whole being is tense with stress from twin looming deadlines, which I must meet within the next 12 hours, I probably wouldn't want to be anyone else.
I have a family that is open-minded enough and cares for me, a mother that will bail be out at worse. I have enough money from the government to spend on trivial things. I live and am a citizen in a country where I can start over at any time. I have a roof over my head and friends that would be more than willing to allow me temporary residence under their roofs if anything were to happen. I enough clothes on my back. I am in the middle of living out one of my dreams: studying in England and at one of their top universities.
No matter what the stress, no matter what s**t I have to deal with, my life is still pretty damned good compared to others. I've worked so hard this far, it's about time I got over my trivial depression over what others might consider trifles compared to their problems.
Who cares if my family has its issues? It's still more or less together. Who cares if I have a certain injury that makes it impossible for me to drive and work strenuous jobs? I am perfectly capable and have enough endurance to find any other job that doesn't require heavy lifting. I just need to stop being a goddamned lazy, depressed, useless scholar for once.
I think in some part of my recent history, I started living and longing for a past that probably was never mine even if reincarnation existed and stopped living in the present and adapting to the present situations and society. My imagination and love for the past centuries engulfed my life before I knew it and I retreated further as I slowly became more and more disillusioned with my current studies and watched the life of others expire or slowly fall apart all about me.
The reformer within me is stirring, but before I ever venture out once more as a somewhat reticent leader against all that I think wrong in society, perhaps it is best I start reforming my own life until at least I am in control once more.
I'm not a positive thinker, but I despise living in self-made misery and disillusionment. Things don't change if you don't want to change or if you think you're incapable of changing. One of the many unpleasant, queer little aspects of life is that no matter who you are, you as an individual are more likely to find joy and satisfaction in more moments in life if you make the effort to tweak what is wrong than wait for others to do so for you.
God, I love humanity and all its contradictions.
Now I need to heed my own thoughts and actually go work on my essay.
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:02 pm
Foam-Dome LabTech Kestin Foam-Dome I highly doubt that you could offend me that badly, Kestin. XD (Do you accept the challenge? Y/N) Even if you did turn out to be one of the few people on earth who wouldn't be offended by what I want to say...I'm more concerned with the fact that I could never say something like this in public, whereas the other "side" is being posted in the form of threads which have tens of supportive replies. It's just not fair. *gripes* Well, it would be helpful to know what these "sides" are so I can know whether I agree with you or not. o3o Well then remind me to PM you later, right now I'm too busy a) trying to fall asleep and b) pondering an ancient, confuddled on-off friendship. ^^;
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:46 pm
Foam-Dome cave_dweller_candy Jedi Sasquatch I didn't want to say this to anyone, but I feel like I have to. You may not want to read this. I don't know why, but all I can think of doing today is cutting. I'm already planning to do it tomorrow. I can't find my knife anywhere so I'm going to use one of the kitchen knives.
I don't know why I hate myself so much right now, but all I want to do is cut myself and bleed.That's exactly what my friend would do, actually. It's an acceptable alternative that doesn't inflict any permanent damage. I was told Ice (The frozen water) would do the same. It didn't work with me, but it might for you Jedi.
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:40 pm
Jedi Sasquatch Loneliness isn't the only thing I feel.
Damn it, I'm done trying to explain this. Well, no matter what your explanation is, chances are my response is going to be the same. LabTech Kestin Foam-Dome LabTech Kestin Foam-Dome I highly doubt that you could offend me that badly, Kestin. XD (Do you accept the challenge? Y/N) Even if you did turn out to be one of the few people on earth who wouldn't be offended by what I want to say...I'm more concerned with the fact that I could never say something like this in public, whereas the other "side" is being posted in the form of threads which have tens of supportive replies. It's just not fair. *gripes* Well, it would be helpful to know what these "sides" are so I can know whether I agree with you or not. o3o Well then remind me to PM you later, right now I'm too busy a) trying to fall asleep and b) pondering an ancient, confuddled on-off friendship. ^^; I can do that. XD
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:40 am
So very scared and anxious right now.
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:43 am
3 Years of university. Only one of them I felt I wanted to be at uni.
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:46 am
@ Tasn, apply to work in one of the Apple stores in London. the only people who need to do heavy lifting there are the back of house guys *nods sagely*
As for the other stuff, I'm here if you ever need to chat. Since that's really all I can say
Aren't I an epic fail when it comes to cheering people up/helping with problems *sigh*
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:11 am
Song is now in a relationship amazingly. Song is happy now.
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Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 5:18 am
Song Riter227 Song is now in a relationship amazingly. Song is happy now. Good job. =] Who is she?
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