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 Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 4:10 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:55 pm
Hey everybody, How are you guys?
Yesterday was one of the worst days in months... It was awful... I had my first iv treatment, and the magnesium in the fluid hurt my arm and hand so badly... They finally slowed the drip down, but then it took 4 hours instead of 2 hours. Sitting in the chair made a previously bad crick in my neck even worse so that I could not move my head in any direction... My mom gave me heavy muscle relaxers that made me so tired I actually went to sleep before 11, but I woke up still sleepier than normal... Sorry for rambling on and venting to you guys. sweatdrop
Are any of you ready for Christmas? I have no idea what I am getting anybody except for my boyfriend and my niece and nephews. I don't like getting only things that are on their wishlist because then it is like I put no thought into it, you know? So I am at a loss. cry I usually make crafts, but I couldn't find any good ones in enough time to be ready. confused
Accomplishment: Went to brunch with my mom and her circle group, then went to the circle meeting and helped them make crafts.
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Posted: Thu Dec 10, 2009 7:07 pm
AliciaLeone Hey everybody, How are you guys?
Yesterday was one of the worst days in months... It was awful... I had my first iv treatment, and the magnesium in the fluid hurt my arm and hand so badly... They finally slowed the drip down, but then it took 4 hours instead of 2 hours. Sitting in the chair made a previously bad crick in my neck even worse so that I could not move my head in any direction... My mom gave me heavy muscle relaxers that made me so tired I actually went to sleep before 11, but I woke up still sleepier than normal... Sorry for rambling on and venting to you guys. sweatdrop
Are any of you ready for Christmas? I have no idea what I am getting anybody except for my boyfriend and my niece and nephews. I don't like getting only things that are on their wishlist because then it is like I put no thought into it, you know? So I am at a loss. cry I usually make crafts, but I couldn't find any good ones in enough time to be ready. confused
Accomplishment: Went to brunch with my mom and her circle group, then went to the circle meeting and helped them make crafts.
~XxX~Accomplish: Got my hair washed.
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Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 2:03 pm
wow so sorry you had to go through all that Alicia
well my dad is home but not sure what we will be able to do no one wants to take the time for my dad it is really sad it drives me crazy he did for all of us now that he can't do no more for my brother he is no good to him it hurts me so much i am trying to figure out something
i have not finished my shopping yet oh boy hate crowds makes it hard to shop got my new meds went to the doctor wed. and have to start the new meds today so i am praying it works i have just been so depressed just wish i could get out of the black whole i don't want to make it bad for everyone else for Christmas well i hope everyone else is doing better good luck to all of you and thank you so much for being here it really helps a lot
soft hugs
sorry for going on and on as i do all the time
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Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 2:06 pm
i wish like you og lolo that i had someone to do crafts with now a days i seem to just be in the house all the time doing nothing well i hope you find someone to do crafts with
soft hugs
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Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 11:23 pm
Ok, I'm going to try and make this a longer message than I have for the past few comments. I feel awful - my presence has been sparse, and honestly, quite pathetic. I hope you can all forgive me! School finished yesterday, and for me that's the last time I'll ever go to school. It's a weird feeling. Since I fell ill (fell seems like a terrible pun in that sentence, as this all did begin with a fall), school has been so difficult, with teachers and students alike making things harder than usual and school itself ended up being so much more work than it was supposed to be. Does this make much sense? I don't know how to explain it - in short, school has sucked. But now that it's over, I have such mixed feelings. It's weird.
Alicia, I'm so sorry about your treatment. It's ones like that that make you doubt the health system, and all the "cures" or "reliefs" they offer us. But the one thing I have learnt through all of this is that you have to keep going through it, and hold onto the hope that the next treatment might work better. I feel in a way hypocritical saying that you need to hold onto hope, where I myself struggle so much with that exact same thing, but I think it would be even more hypocritical if someone who had NO experience with this sort of thing was telling you the same piece of advice. But Alicia, please feel free to PM me or simply leave a comment here if you need to talk, because I'm always here for you ok? I'm here for ALL of you, so please do talk to me if you want.
I really wish there was some sort of international conference or camp that was held for people with chronic pain. Maybe there is, but in NZ there's NOTHING and I literally mean, nothing. I'm currently thinking next year I'm going to attempt to organise something, but if anyone is interested please let me know, so that I can work in a group. The reason why I mention this is because a number of you have mentioned doing crafts in a group, and that's what I really want to be able to do. I do embroidery on good days, and on the bad days I sit wishing I could do something, or talk to someone who understood. I just feel that if a group of us could meet up, and be able to talk, and do crafts, and just be in each other's company, that that would certainly lift my spirits, and give me that feeling that I'm not alone. Because even though I know that I'm not entirely alone, physically, I'm in NZ, which is far away from where any one else I talk to, lives. It's just so hard. I wake up every morning, and cry because the pain is still here, and everyone else isn't here. I'm struggling to find the light, any light, and every day it gets harder, and I slip further. Anyway, I'm really sorry for this long ramble. I did say at the beginning that this was going to be a long message, but I'm sorry that it's so boring!
I love you all so much, and I'm sorry that I can't take your pain away. Just remember that if I could, I would take it, from each and every one of you. I would rather feel it, and be just one sufferer, than see you all suffer, too.
Love, Ailsa xx
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:00 am
Hey guys. Sorry I havn't been posting. Been stressed.
Ailsa:: Well, school being gone should give some time to work things out, right?
Wow, you guys! You are soooo festive with your text colors! <3 LOOOOVE IT
TTFN (Tah Tah For Now)
--"L"
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 5:22 pm
bittersweet and evocative Ok, I'm going to try and make this a longer message than I have for the past few comments. I feel awful - my presence has been sparse, and honestly, quite pathetic. I hope you can all forgive me! School finished yesterday, and for me that's the last time I'll ever go to school. It's a weird feeling. Since I fell ill (fell seems like a terrible pun in that sentence, as this all did begin with a fall), school has been so difficult, with teachers and students alike making things harder than usual and school itself ended up being so much more work than it was supposed to be. Does this make much sense? I don't know how to explain it - in short, school has sucked. But now that it's over, I have such mixed feelings. It's weird.
Alicia, I'm so sorry about your treatment. It's ones like that that make you doubt the health system, and all the "cures" or "reliefs" they offer us. But the one thing I have learnt through all of this is that you have to keep going through it, and hold onto the hope that the next treatment might work better. I feel in a way hypocritical saying that you need to hold onto hope, where I myself struggle so much with that exact same thing, but I think it would be even more hypocritical if someone who had NO experience with this sort of thing was telling you the same piece of advice. But Alicia, please feel free to PM me or simply leave a comment here if you need to talk, because I'm always here for you ok? I'm here for ALL of you, so please do talk to me if you want.
I really wish there was some sort of international conference or camp that was held for people with chronic pain. Maybe there is, but in NZ there's NOTHING and I literally mean, nothing. I'm currently thinking next year I'm going to attempt to organise something, but if anyone is interested please let me know, so that I can work in a group. The reason why I mention this is because a number of you have mentioned doing crafts in a group, and that's what I really want to be able to do. I do embroidery on good days, and on the bad days I sit wishing I could do something, or talk to someone who understood. I just feel that if a group of us could meet up, and be able to talk, and do crafts, and just be in each other's company, that that would certainly lift my spirits, and give me that feeling that I'm not alone. Because even though I know that I'm not entirely alone, physically, I'm in NZ, which is far away from where any one else I talk to, lives. It's just so hard. I wake up every morning, and cry because the pain is still here, and everyone else isn't here. I'm struggling to find the light, any light, and every day it gets harder, and I slip further. Anyway, I'm really sorry for this long ramble. I did say at the beginning that this was going to be a long message, but I'm sorry that it's so boring!
I love you all so much, and I'm sorry that I can't take your pain away. Just remember that if I could, I would take it, from each and every one of you. I would rather feel it, and be just one sufferer, than see you all suffer, too.
Love, Ailsa xx
~XxX~
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:42 pm
OGLoLo ~ I love your house idea!! I have always wanted an old victorian mansion where each room was a different theme. I always wanted to have one room where the walls were fish and shark tanks.
Ailsa ~ I understand what you mean, and I don't find it hypocritical, because I know each and every one of us wants to find that piece of hope to hang onto, even if we don't have it yet. None of us want the hand we have been dealt. Ugh, I still have until May to be finished with high school... But then I have to go to college.
Lindsy ~ We miss you! What have you been stressed about? That is why we are here. 3nodding
Godsbabybear ~ I am keeping you in my prayers. We have that same situation in my family except it is with my Grandma who has alzheimer's. All of my mom's sisters (3) who live near my Grandma don't want to take care of her, but we live too far away and so does my uncle (my mom's brother).
I wish we lived near enough (all of us) to where we could have an arts and crafts time every week, I think that would be wonderful!
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 8:49 pm
Hi hope all is having not as much pain today wow i got out and went shopping it was fun and my pain was not to bad thank god thank you all for just being there
soft hugs
love Darlene
P.S. if anyone needs to talk i am here most of the time so feel free to write me thanks
Hope You Have A Very Merry Christmas!!!
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Posted: Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:33 pm
Godsbabybear Hi hope all is having not as much pain today wow i got out and went shopping it was fun and my pain was not to bad thank god thank you all for just being there soft hugs love Darlene P.S. if anyone needs to talk i am here most of the time so feel free to write me thanks Hope You Have A Very Merry Christmas!!!
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:02 am
Ailsa, you were talking about how you struggle for the light. I, too, have been trying to do the same thing. The reason I haven't been on the guild lately is because I myself have been going through my own demons. And lately, they've been wicked, and they strike without no warning, and it's constant, and I keep fighting, but really, to no avail. My husband is getting 100% fed up with me, because I'm not the "wife" he married. Well, when you mix that with Oxycontin, Lortab, Valium, Celebrex, Cymbalta, flexeril, Fentanyl Patches, Lidoderm Patches, ..... things tend to be not the same. And I'm fighting for that "boldie" to come back. Where is she? Where did she go? Yesterday, I promised Godsbabybear I would be on HSLS, but I couldn't, because I fell going up the stairs into our house. I'm yelling, sobbing, can't move my leg,.... and he quick comes out, takes me underneath my arms, and drags me back inside the house, and "throws" me on the couch. Meanwhile saying, no bullshit, what do you need right now!? (How is that helping? He told me he was so sick and tired of me being accident prone. How in the hell can one person be like this? I, through sobs, told him, I didn't mean to fall. It wasn't like I fell to get attention..... OMG! What a dumb-a** stupid thing to say to me! Lately, he's been saying he's done with the marriage. Just completely done, because he's sick and tired of taking care of me. Do you know how that hurt? What the Fu** is his problem? (Sorry, about the cussing) Do I plan things like this? Did I plan to fall off the deck 5-1/2 years ago? Did I plan this pain to be so damn excruciating that I need constant care?
You know, I got to thinking. He had a mother who was in a wheel chair, and he had to take care of her, and now it's happening all over again. And I think that's what he's going through, thinking bad thoughts about me, and relating me to his mother. Damn! I didn't choose this life! I didn't "WANT" or "NEED" to be this way? Life happens, and there's nothing you can do about it, but try to be aware of your surroundings, and watch where and how you walk. (I was outside with my slippers on, and they're alittle old, so they don't really have a rubber sole on them.) I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for the air I use up when we're in the same room together! Geez,.... What did I do to deserve such treatment-coming from a GROWN MAN who should KNOW what to do, and SWORE through thick and through thin, he'd be by my side no matter what. Well, the crossroad is here. Here and now.... And I guess he has to make a decision. We're so struggling for help monetarily because neither one of us is working, and for those who don't know, my husband has retroperitoneal fibrosis. Look it up. Also known as Ormond's Disease, and is in almost stage 3 of kidney disease. I took care of him for so many years, and worked at least on an average about 39 hours a week every week for how long? how many years? And this is the payment I get back? *sighs and shakes head. It's preposterous. What am I suppose to do? Run back home to Mommy and Daddy in Wisconsin and pray they'll take me in and he can do whatever the hell he wants to do? No,.... it's not going to be that easy. I took vows, and I meant them. Last night, I slept on the couch, because of my leg, and I could hear him talking in his sleep last night about "that b***h". I'm assuming he means me, but can't be certain. I know that's what he wants to tell me, I'm sure. I can't do this all alone. I know this for a fact. I'm surprised all our utilities haven't been turned off by now. And who has to "run" and do all the errands? I DO!!!!!!!! And believe me, it's not easy. Oh, yeah, he comes to the truck when I'm home, and helps bring in what has to be brought in, (groceries, what have you) so I don't have to carry them, but still..... And the one minute I'm not there right at that very second "HE" comes home from somewhere, he goes off the handle, cussing, swearing, bumping me so I get out of the way..... It hurts to be treated this way. Why can't he remember our vows? He's not a SOB, but yeah, there, lately, are more times he is than not. Make sense? What am I suppose to do? My leg swelled up pretty good last night, and it's really nothing more than a deep scrape, but still, the muscles leading up to my thigh is really what hurts, not the knee itself. Two toes hurt, too, cuz one slipper came off. I imagine that's how I fell. I tripped over my slippers. And he so hates me being here on Gaia every day. But what can I say? This is my only outlet. Hey, look..... I know I'm blabbing on and telling more than what I probably should with my marriage, because some people reading this might say, yep--thought her marriage isn't as strong as so-in-so's. I have a s**t life right now! I'm serious. (Did you see I deleted something right here? Yip, sure did. Don't want to stir the pot up, so-to-speak) Anyways, I need to get rid of this anger somehow, because, I don't like feeling this way. Two days ago, I got my hair done, like I've always wanted it to be done, and I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good after that. I felt like a million bucks, and all he could say was "Merry Xmas". Whatever....... Yeah, and he's tired of me saying that to him, too. What the hell else am I suppose to say? Sometimes, I just say, yeah I know,... you're right and I'm wrong. (sarcastically)
Geez..... I'm sorry guys... Well, that's the reason why I haven't been on. I'm stressed and over the top with pain. And for that, I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry you have to read this... lol Boy, that didn't make sense? / I'm sure. rolleyes
Please forgive my rantings. Ailsa, you keep supporting people. Looks like you're on the road to success finally. I know we all go in streaks, and in ways that none of us can explain. Is it all in our heads? NO!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm going to stop this and just try to cope. More from me later. And I'm sorry I haven't been on to support other people. I'm in my own cocoon right now.
Love Always......
boldie
OH!, P.S., I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up on everyone's life. I used to, but I'm sorry. In all honesty, I haven't these past 2 weeks. So forgive me that I haven't been.
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boldie64 generated a random number between
1 and 9 ...
4!
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:13 am
Guess what? I totally missed Page 30. Why didn't someone say something to me? Dangit, I'm sorry guys. I'll do it right now, so no one can fuss.
FOR PAGE 30, THE PARTICIPANTS ARE:
D Integrity
Ailsa
Kira
As8B
boldie
Lindsy
Og LoLo
Godsbabybear
Suze_Sapphire
Ok that makes 9 people. Good luck!
So, the winner for page 30 is.........AS8B!
CONGRATULATIONS AUNTIESOCIAL 8B for winning Page 30. You just won 30 gold! I'll be sending out a trade for you very soon...
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 2:59 pm
wow i am so sorry you are going through that all but my hubby does that sometimes so i know if i am in to much pain he gets mad but he gets over it and we talk as much as we can he works i don't but we took vows too and believe that we should stay together forever i will pray for you that it all gets better that must be very hard the both of you sick wow i am here for you boldie soft hugs sweetheart hang in there
Alicia so sorry you are having the same problem i hate that my brothers can't help my daddy but my older brother helps out his wife's mother good for her but not for my dad he tells me all the time that my brother never called him it is so sad wow i had a good day yesterday but oh boy today i hurt big time and so tired but i hope it will go away i am at the ending of changing my pain meds to oxycontin and getting off ms contin and thank god they started me back on xanaxokay hope every one is in less pain
soft hugs
love Darlene
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Posted: Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:07 pm
boldie64 Ailsa, you were talking about how you struggle for the light. I, too, have been trying to do the same thing. The reason I haven't been on the guild lately is because I myself have been going through my own demons. And lately, they've been wicked, and they strike without no warning, and it's constant, and I keep fighting, but really, to no avail. My husband is getting 100% fed up with me, because I'm not the "wife" he married. Well, when you mix that with Oxycontin, Lortab, Valium, Celebrex, Cymbalta, flexeril, Fentanyl Patches, Lidoderm Patches, ..... things tend to be not the same. And I'm fighting for that "boldie" to come back. Where is she? Where did she go? Yesterday, I promised Godsbabybear I would be on HSLS, but I couldn't, because I fell going up the stairs into our house. I'm yelling, sobbing, can't move my leg,.... and he quick comes out, takes me underneath my arms, and drags me back inside the house, and "throws" me on the couch. Meanwhile saying, no bullshit, what do you need right now!? (How is that helping? He told me he was so sick and tired of me being accident prone. How in the hell can one person be like this? I, through sobs, told him, I didn't mean to fall. It wasn't like I fell to get attention..... OMG! What a dumb-a** stupid thing to say to me! Lately, he's been saying he's done with the marriage. Just completely done, because he's sick and tired of taking care of me. Do you know how that hurt? What the Fu** is his problem? (Sorry, about the cussing) Do I plan things like this? Did I plan to fall off the deck 5-1/2 years ago? Did I plan this pain to be so damn excruciating that I need constant care?
You know, I got to thinking. He had a mother who was in a wheel chair, and he had to take care of her, and now it's happening all over again. And I think that's what he's going through, thinking bad thoughts about me, and relating me to his mother. Damn! I didn't choose this life! I didn't "WANT" or "NEED" to be this way? Life happens, and there's nothing you can do about it, but try to be aware of your surroundings, and watch where and how you walk. (I was outside with my slippers on, and they're alittle old, so they don't really have a rubber sole on them.) I'm sorry for everything I've done. I'm sorry for the air I use up when we're in the same room together! Geez,.... What did I do to deserve such treatment-coming from a GROWN MAN who should KNOW what to do, and SWORE through thick and through thin, he'd be by my side no matter what. Well, the crossroad is here. Here and now.... And I guess he has to make a decision. We're so struggling for help monetarily because neither one of us is working, and for those who don't know, my husband has retroperitoneal fibrosis. Look it up. Also known as Ormond's Disease, and is in almost stage 3 of kidney disease. I took care of him for so many years, and worked at least on an average about 39 hours a week every week for how long? how many years? And this is the payment I get back? *sighs and shakes head. It's preposterous. What am I suppose to do? Run back home to Mommy and Daddy in Wisconsin and pray they'll take me in and he can do whatever the hell he wants to do? No,.... it's not going to be that easy. I took vows, and I meant them. Last night, I slept on the couch, because of my leg, and I could hear him talking in his sleep last night about "that b***h". I'm assuming he means me, but can't be certain. I know that's what he wants to tell me, I'm sure. I can't do this all alone. I know this for a fact. I'm surprised all our utilities haven't been turned off by now. And who has to "run" and do all the errands? I DO!!!!!!!! And believe me, it's not easy. Oh, yeah, he comes to the truck when I'm home, and helps bring in what has to be brought in, (groceries, what have you) so I don't have to carry them, but still..... And the one minute I'm not there right at that very second "HE" comes home from somewhere, he goes off the handle, cussing, swearing, bumping me so I get out of the way..... It hurts to be treated this way. Why can't he remember our vows? He's not a SOB, but yeah, there, lately, are more times he is than not. Make sense? What am I suppose to do? My leg swelled up pretty good last night, and it's really nothing more than a deep scrape, but still, the muscles leading up to my thigh is really what hurts, not the knee itself. Two toes hurt, too, cuz one slipper came off. I imagine that's how I fell. I tripped over my slippers. And he so hates me being here on Gaia every day. But what can I say? This is my only outlet. Hey, look..... I know I'm blabbing on and telling more than what I probably should with my marriage, because some people reading this might say, yep--thought her marriage isn't as strong as so-in-so's. I have a s**t life right now! I'm serious. (Did you see I deleted something right here? Yip, sure did. Don't want to stir the pot up, so-to-speak) Anyways, I need to get rid of this anger somehow, because, I don't like feeling this way. Two days ago, I got my hair done, like I've always wanted it to be done, and I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good after that. I felt like a million bucks, and all he could say was "Merry Xmas". Whatever....... Yeah, and he's tired of me saying that to him, too. What the hell else am I suppose to say? Sometimes, I just say, yeah I know,... you're right and I'm wrong. (sarcastically)
Geez..... I'm sorry guys... Well, that's the reason why I haven't been on. I'm stressed and over the top with pain. And for that, I'm not sorry, but I'm sorry you have to read this... lol Boy, that didn't make sense? / I'm sure. rolleyes
Please forgive my rantings. Ailsa, you keep supporting people. Looks like you're on the road to success finally. I know we all go in streaks, and in ways that none of us can explain. Is it all in our heads? NO!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm going to stop this and just try to cope. More from me later. And I'm sorry I haven't been on to support other people. I'm in my own cocoon right now.
Love Always......
boldie
OH!, P.S., I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up on everyone's life. I used to, but I'm sorry. In all honesty, I haven't these past 2 weeks. So forgive me that I haven't been.
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Reply
