|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 11:48 am
Whilst upon no lips have the words been spoken
within every fibre of my being do I know the truth,
That every soul and every life I touch has been broken,
I have been cursed a Midas in my youth.
The very essence of my own life is every other's bane,
I might sell my soul to my creator to let this power wane.
Standing out proud under the sun is a tree of a hundred years,
the great oak of lichens, gnarled in pain and of beauty
but under my very hand spreads the curse of glittering mirrors,
and the mahogany of health falls to the death of sooty.
Just as unstoppable as the spreading death of ropes
my knowlege and acceptance dashes my hopes.
Yet as my body inevitably ages and my mind matures,
The waking sorrow of my life falls to new pleasures
the shoes of my expecations is filled as I rise to meet new statures,
as it is the amount of death, not life my worth measures.
For it is my duty every winter to ensure all plants are lost,
to blanket the land in snow and assist the Jack Frost.
I am the months of November, December, and January
I bring the winds bitter cold that burn to the bone,
I am the one who yearly gives the bodies to a mortuary,
and through my purpose I am solely alone.
For who hails the one to bring death to the crop?
I am never missed, and schoolchildren pray for my stop.
It is a futile effort on my part to try and be nice.
I am the frozen and silent death, the king of ice.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Mar 04, 2007 10:47 pm
Chegrin:
Apparently, I am disgusting. Normally when I hear that comment, I shrug and pass it off as an opinion belonging to an ignorant a** of a human, a being not worth fretting over because he felt fit to judge me. But when that person is a good friend of mine, I start to wonder.
And, it starts to hurt.
It didn't seem like much at the time. A brief, what I thought humorous discussion of whom my friend could take to the prom, because he insisted he really, really wanted to. I haven't been to his school in two years, all I know now is what he tells me, so at first I answer, maybe he should take his friend Sandra. After all, it seemed to me she liked him, and would be the best candidate to say yes.
He'd mentioned to me before about his girl troubles. I always thought you know, he was chasing after the ones he knew subconsciously he could not have, and snubbed those who might say yes. It's the same with me, I believe I'll always fall in love with the man I can never in my dreams hope to have, because we always want what we can't have, and because I'm trying to protect myself. Because if I say yes, and he says yes, no one can stop us. No one at all.
But he doesn't want to be stopped, he wants to proceed forward post-haste, even though he is young yet. He said he felt forgotten, and I knew if he got turned down again, his mood would only get worse, so I suggest Sandra.
No deal.
Not knowing anyone else, I jokingly suggest my good friend Adrian. Adrian and he are friends, and Adrian is gay. But the more I think about it, the more I think about how adorable they would be together, and less about his feelings, his still present resentment of homosexuality. It's a short miracle he likes me this much as it is. But he's straight, and I know that. What I didn't know, was that he was taking me dead serious.
"Chegrin," He said, as I continued to laugh to myself,
"You're disgusting."
Ouch.
My laughter dies in my throat when I realize he's not kidding. He voiced for once what I'm now sure was there the whole time. And I stepped over the line, by daring suggest he go to his prom with a man. I brought it out on myself, by ignoring the clues.
Now, it's time I confessed a little bit to you all. I'm a transvestite. Yep, I partake in crossdressing on more than the odd occasion. Now, I know as a young gay man, the highest number of hate crimes are against those who don't fit into the preconceived gender boundaries. More often than not, we are loathed both by the straight community, for being fags, queers, sissies, what have you, but also by the gay community for being different. The greatest divisive factor in society, and a large part of everyone's lives are notions of sex and gender. It is at the core of all animal kind, before race or species, before social class and status. Though for reasons I don't know why, transvestites have hardly any allies at all. I can say with honesty, that most of society at large hates me on principle, everything I stand for, for being who I am, which is a freak, and believes I'm better off dead. I'm probably going to corrupt some children just by being alive, an abomination of the natural order of nature.
Or some s**t like that.
As much trash as it is, it's never fun to be reminded that so many people wish you would just die, or be killed, and it is reciprocated even in those who claim to be your friends. My sense of humour, while never excessively morbid, or detrimental lies on the fringes of society, somewhere above I'd imagine those people who joke about bestiality but are secretly serious. On some base level, I disgust him also. It's the realization that hurts; and I know I hurt him too.
Just as I stepped on his feelings, he turned around and stepped on mine. But I had one little clinging hope that I wasn't as much at fault, because I was joking, and he was not.
For a minute or two, I blinked back tears, shocked. Then, we switched the subject to a convention we had both attended the year before, and the moment was broken. The mood was still dour, and some part of our friendship had just been etched at, like an engraving in stone.
"You're disgusting."
I think it will take me a while to rub it out. I've been a fool.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007 4:21 am
I spent several hours today, discussing with my friend a statement of his:
“Without light, there can be no darkness.”
We proved that immediately to be false, so he changed his tune to another quote.
“Light and Darkness are eternal. Therefore, there can be no darkness without light.”
We of course were speaking metaphorically, that the world can neither be bathed in pure light, nor drenched in pure darkness. In the world he referenced, the good and evil in everyone was personified by two deities, one, the darkness, was attempting to destroy the light, because without one, the other could not exist. If he succeeded, the universe would be destroyed entirely. Why? Because it was what he was compelled to do.
I argued that in his fictional world, it was true, but the universe in reality could not hang by such a fragile thread as human good and evil. There is no way to prove it, because of right now, we have no way to either purge humanity of all temptations, or divest everyone of all shred of morals. All these arguments also hinge on the negating of the neutral. If everyone just did their own thing, with no alternate interest, whether good or bad in mind, is it light, dark, or neither?
We moved into the scientific. Darkness is defined as the absence of light. Easy enough it seemed to prove, that of COURSE there could be darkness without light, it is the very definition of what darkness was. But that is a theoretical darkness. I was convinced that if I explained it enough, he would understand the concept, while missing a vital piece of information. I discovered light is not just the visible spectrum, but actually waves of energy. The faster the wave, the higher the energy, and when it moves into a certain range, it is emitted as light. Lower ranges are heat, which can be felt, but not seen, and radiation such as radio. That said, there is nowhere we know of that does not contain some energy. Energy can be absorbed, but never destroyed Every atom has an electron, and moves in some way, creating heat through friction. So in a way, he was right—there is no darkness without light.
The truth is, there are no absolutes in anything. If the universe really ever becomes a big mess of emptiness, there perhaps can be absolute darkness, but there needs to be primarily a lack of something, anything else for that to occur. A single atom ruins perfect darkness. I never thought to make the parallel to absolute zero, where there are molecules, but they are not moving at all. Because there can never be no energy, there is never no heat, therefore atoms can never stay perfectly still. That alone would have blown my whole argument out of the water.
But, this revelation proved my point, although in the opposite way I had intended. True scientific darkness by this argument does not exist at all. Therefore, there can be light without darkness, but no darkness without light. He is more correct than I was, and I admitted it, but I was pleased to learn I had been mistaken. But…The universe we live in is not in perfect light either. Objects absorb and block light, and thus, there are always little pockets of darkness in the light, but never an area of complete darkness. In the sense of the visible spectrum, I was correct, but when looking at the big picture, gazing out into eternity, he proved to be more farsighted than I. And not even five billion forevers could change that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
