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 Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 6:17 pm
Kitty’s Journal
I found Makenna not to long ago he was…is in a tree house some where in the woods with an older boy named A’Hallei, I have only met him once and I’m not a hundred percent sure how I feel about Kenna being up there all the time but he refuses to come home. He won’t even come home for Christmas and that is a disappointment I know the boy’s miss him, as do I. We started decorating the house a little over a week ago Gave went out and got us a real tree. I’ve never had a real tree before. But that’s not the point I want to spend this Christmas with all my boys, but I wont force him. If he feels more comfortable with his friend then he can have Christmas with his friend. I just hope he comes and visits some time; his room has become rather empty as his pillows and comforter are missing I can only guess that he has them with him.
I hope he’s eating all right and that he’s not cold. Winter is here and the snow has started to fall regularly now. What kind of heat would a tree house have? Does it have any? I don’t know why I’m so worried I got to seem a couple days ago and he looked fine better then fine really he was smiling and he looked happy. And it’s all because of his friend; I can’t make him feel that way so I have to let go and let him do what he wants. Though he’ll be missed on Christmas he’ll be even happier to be with A’Hallei on that day so I’ll let him.
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Posted: Wed Dec 21, 2005 7:20 pm
Dear Log.
I have decorated the tree house with A�Hallei�s help and I know that were ready for the holidays to come. I�m almost finished my present for him I just have to shade and then finish up the other picture I started for him. I was originally only going to do one picture but it didn�t seem like enough so I�ve made him three. One of him sleeping, and another of him sitting on the roof, and one of us together. I hope that he likes them. I know I�m not the best artist but I tried and I think they look all right. I have decided that I�ll go to Kitty�s and gather some food for the next couple of weeks. With the snow here now it�ll keep things cool and fresh which means I can get some meats to cook.
Four days from now it�ll be time for me to give my present to him and I cant help but think he�d like something else. I wont let my doubt stop me from giving it to him though after all I made them for him. Over the last few days I�ve noticed that my apatite has diminished greatly, food has very little appeal to me and I�m not sure why. I have tired to keep eating three meals a day but it�s left me feeling ill, I�ll just have to wait and see what happens. I�ve also grown more and more frustrated as I try and remember parts of my past thing that I should no like birthdays and my favorite food but I always come up blank. Will it always be like this? Will I always be left with a mind full of dark spots?
That�s something I cant answer because I don�t know if my memories will return to me.
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Posted: Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:45 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 10:41 pm
Dear log Jan 31/06
Well not much has happened lately what can I say I�m a boring guy. Naw I�m not boring there just isn�t much to do in the winter. Any way I went to Kitty�s for a couple days though she wasn�t home something about a vacation, she left a note knowing that I�d come by if I noticed the house was quite. Every one was gone not that I minded I looked around the house not much had changed; they seem to have gotten a DVD player and some tapes I like these tapes. Carmen Electra aerobics striptease.
You can say that I was more then a little interested in learning how to do this so after a few minutes I figured out how to use the DVD player. Pushing pause I went to my old room and found something that would be good for my work out and then returned to the living room. Hitting the play button I got to work. The moves weren�t all that hard and when I was finished the first routine I had so much energy I started on the next one.
I worked on the aerobics for a little more then two hours. Feeling sweaty and gross I headed upstairs for a shower, grabbing the radio in the hall as I went. I love music, all music if it has a beat I like it. I turned the shower on so that it was burning hot and the steam filled the room. I pressed play letting the music fill the room. I didn�t no the name of the song but it didn�t matter. Stripping out of the sweaty clothes, I got into the shower humming along with the music. Grabbing the soap I washed my skin. Letting the words in the song wash over me like the water that caressed my skin.
Behind those eyes lies the truth and grief
Behind those beautiful smiles I've seen tragedy
The flawless skin hides the secrets within
Silent forces that secretly ignite your sins
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They haunt you
The Lucifer's Angels
Never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
The Lucifer's Angel
A content sigh came from my parted lips as I rain may nails through my hair as the shampoo rinsed out. It wasn�t strong smelling which made me glad no it smelt more like breeze or a summer rain something like that maybe I�ve been living in the wild too long? No I don�t want to leave the tree house though I cant help thinking that one day we�ll be to big for it. What would we do then? Will we still be together or will he be gone like my memory of the past?
Beyond these clouds you can hide all your tears
Beyond this world you'll be safe from their wicked fears
And in their hearts they fear your demands
You know their minds won't accept you, they'll never understand
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They haunt you
The Lucifer's Angels
Never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
The Lucifer's Angel
Will he fade away into the darkness and be forgotten? No I could never forget that. I cup the water in my hands and smiled a small smile. Opening my hands I let the water fall to the bottom of the shower. I look at the familiar red strip that attracts a far amount of attention, so many ask about it got annoying. But it�s a part of me how it got there who knows as for it being a birth mark�pretty weird birth mark.
Trailing a finger over the mark I shivered�apparently I�m ticklish to. But that doesn�t matter. Letting my head fall back and the water soak into my skin I let out a happy sigh. I listen to the words as the song goes to a stop.
On your own I know you can make it
Truth or bone. I know you can shake it
Survive alone I know you can take it
Fly away, fly away
From the torch of blame
They haunt you
Lucifer's Angels
You never lived, you never died
Your life has been denied
They call you
Lucifer's Angel
Fly away, fly away
Run away, run away
Hide away, hide away
Lucifer's Angel
Turning the tap off I grab my towel and dry off, taking the radio back out into the hall I go back for clothes before going to my room to change the last bit of the song stuck in my head. �Lucifer�s Angel� I think the title for the song fits the lyrics. I hum the song all the way back to the tree house and while I make us something to eat. It�s catchy and I will most likely be humming it for days.
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 12:03 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Sun Feb 26, 2006 1:05 pm
Dear Log.
It�s been a few days and I can feel myself slipping back inside myself. I don�t know why I just feel the need to protect myself from whatever is going to happen. I haven�t been eating as much and have trouble sleeping, so most of the time I just lay there till morning. Leaving me with dark circles around my dark eyes that have only grown darker and held more shadows. Its like they have dulled and lost the twinkle that was once there, I wonder where it when and if I�d ever get it back.
Sleep has slowly become a burden I don�t want. I used to think that I wanted to know my past but when I sleep the dreams start. Dreams that look so familiar but yet so different, things in them seem so real but I don�t want to believe them. So I�ve pushed sleep to the back of my mind. Though even I know one cant function without sleep, so I push my body to its limits time in an again. I have started to do to school to even if it�s only for a little while each day; I find that I cant think straight in a normal school to many people, to many eyes looking at me. I have also noticed that they don�t think before they act I�ve found myself hiding a bruise or making up and excuses for busted up lips.
And believe bruises are one thing to cover up but a busted lip when you live with someone who takes the time to actually looks at you is a little harder to explain especially because he knows he wasn�t the one to put it there, not that he would. But I wont let those who think they can scare me away with the fists win after all I like live alittle rough. Even though I don�t hit back; and I end up suffering for the rest of the day. But unlike the rest of them I don�t go home and sulk no I go and work a couple hours at this little coffee shop then go home and make dinner for myself and A�Hallei. Now don�t think that I do it because I have to because I don�t, I do it because I like to and even if I don�t eat it I know that A�Hallei does and will remain strong and healthy.
I have let myself fall into a routine. Get up, make breakfast, kiss A�Hallei goodbye then go off to school. I leave school at lunch and work at the caf� for a couple of hours before going home. Once im home I do homework and make dinner, finish off homework and wash up, then I pretend to go to bed but I just lay there till the next morning where I start all over again. You�d think I�d be tired but I think my body has gotten used to what little sleep it gets now. To cover up the circles under my eyes I invested in some cover up and wear it almost every day along with the red eye shadow that adores my eyes.
School is easier then I though it would be, other then the ones who have decided its okay to push me around. I have an art class and am easily going to pass it, while the class learns to draw still life I draw something else. Why do something I�ve been doing for what feels like years. Besides I don�t exactly have my inspiration in class with me.
The other class I have is math it�s not bad but I don�t really like it, nor the students in it. The girls look at me like im from a different planet�or they ask were I got my clothes. The boys threaten to beat me up or they do beat me up. Which is fine as long as all marks can be hidden. I go through it every day like clockwork im so used to it that sometimes I just stand there and wait for the blow. And then lunch time come and im off to work.
Sometimes I wonder why I let myself go through this everyday. Why I just don�t sleep the days away and let the dreams wash over me. But I push those thoughts away and continue with my life, who needs to live in the past when you can have the future even if sometimes it looks just as bad as the past you�ve forgotten.
And it�s those moments that I know when I lost that easy smile and the happy twinkle in my eyes, it�s also when I realize if I want to be like that again I have to get through with letting my past seep back into that empty part of me. Even if I see and remember things, that are going to hurt and probably make me more distant.
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Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2006 2:34 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 4:03 pm
Dear Log:
So I�ve been feeling alittle down lately. I got fired from the little restaurant and I don�t even know why. Deciding that I wanted someone to talk to I went to see Kitty. It still surprises me that ever time I see her she just smiles gives me a hug and ushers me into the house, makes us tea to drink with the cookies and other snakes she�s laid out.
We talked for a while as we drank tea and munched on a few cookies, but then we went shopping, I tried to refuse at first because I didn�t want to spend what money I had left from work, and considering im jobless now I wanted to keep what I had left. But Kitty told me rather firmly that it was her treat since she�s my guardian and we don�t get to spend much time together�which is my fault.
At the end of the shopping trip I ended up with a couple new skirts, some new shirts and pants. An awesome pair of knee-high boots and the necessities. After her buying me all that stuff I took us out to lunch. I didn�t eat much since I still had to eat supper later and didn�t want to over due it, making sure Kitty was full I walked her home and stayed alittle longer to see everyone else. I�m happy to say no one is mad that I left to live in the tree house with A�Hallei.
I must admit that I had a lot of fun with Kitty; more fun then I thought I would. We even scheduled time to see each other again, which makes me happy. Giving her a hug I made it back to the tree house just in time to start dinner. Which I did while I thought of a way to tell A�Hallei that I was fired, and probably wouldn�t be able to get another job for a while. It makes me feel useless, not being able to earn some money to help us get by, but I just don�t think it�s far to have A�Hallei bring in all the money.
Kitty�s Post
I was alittle surprised to see Makenna on my doorstep. Surprised but happy, ushering him inside I made us some tea and pulled out some cookies he looked way to thin for my liking but what could I do? He was so upset he was fired�I didn�t know he was working but he was fired that�s hard on anyone. So I did what anyone would do I took him shopping.
Bought him some new clothes and a few accessories, I wasn�t expecting him to take me out to lunch after but it was nice. I noticed that he didn�t eat much and that made me worry. Getting home I bagged up some homemade cookies to send home with him
I watched as he said hellos to the other kids and then he got ready to head back to the tree house.
I hope everything is okay with him, I worry about him and having seen him and the weight he�s lost I�m going to worry all the more. The only thing I can do is make sure he knows that my door is always open.
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Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 3:33 pm
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Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 5:35 pm
Dear Log:
Secrets, there a challenging thing aren�t they. But everyone has one right? Some people have more then others, some people can keep a secret while other people cant. Well I bet your all-wondering why im spouting off about secrets right?
Well it�s because I have a secret, on that will have to come out soon, and when it does nothing will be the same again. Things have already changed and now I have this secret too. I don�t regret what the secrets about no not at all; I couldn�t not now, not ever.
I just can�t help but wonder what will happen when my secret is found out, for one I don�t even know what is going on. Maybe I should stay quite I don�t have to say anything and then know one will get hurt.
But then when you have a secret sometimes it eats away at you. And this is a big secret one that I cant risk writing down in my journal for fear that someone will read it then everything will go wrong. So I sit here writing about how secrets always come back and bite you in the arse. I�m happy to say only one other person knows my secret and he wont tell anyone either.
Well that�s enough about secrets im starting to get depressed. So I�ll talk about other new things like Kitty and I went and got our belly button�s pierced mines is a glittery red, Kitty got a green one. It hurts when I have to clean it but I do it anyway. I also got theses red and black scarfs that I tie to the belt loops on my bondage pants, it looks awesome when I dance, and I�ve continued to wear my tank top, I like it and its easy to move in.
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Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 7:29 pm
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Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 7:45 pm
Dear Log:
Today I had my first dance recital It went okay, but I don�t think I�ll make a habit out of it. I much prefer to dance on my own as something to do for fun but then you don�t get that thrill either. I like to dance, and Kitty�s redone the base ment so I have a place to work out and practice there, but I don�t think im ready for any compations just yet. I�ll keep working on it and keep going to recital�s and then we�ll see how I feel after all this did just start off as a hobby and it might stay that way. Kitty will understand because she likes to dance too, sometimes we dance together.
I have decided that next year I�ll be doing school at home instead of going in the morning, Kitty has talked to my school and has arranged it already, they�ve all agreed that it�ll be better for me if im not around certain students and teachers who think it�s okay to beat up or hit on. I agree your supposed to feel safe in school or so they say but I don�t so im pretty happy that after this year I wont be going back.
In other news I got a fish his name is bubbles�Yes bubbles. Why you ask, because he makes bubbles. I like him he�s pretty cool looking�I think he�s a guppy since he�s small like one, hmm maybe I�ll get him a girl guppy so that they can fall in love and have gupplets. And they shall all have odd names and live to be old and wrinkly�can fish wrinkle? Any way it�s time to switch my laundry I�ll keep you updated.
Tata
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 7:40 pm
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Posted: Mon Jun 19, 2006 5:56 pm
So Kitty has decided that we move into a smaller house down the street, though it�s not really smaller since this place has a basement and an attic, im going to miss the dance floor we put in our old basement, but Kitty said we can put on in this base ment too.
Good news my knee is all better doesn�t hurt at all anymore�okay it does when I do to much at one time. So I cant stay in the basement and dance all day anymore.
I�ve found that I like short skirts, particularly my green one, Kitty�s even jealous of me�well my legs anyway she said she wished she had legs like me. And I have to admit they are great, long and shapely and I like to show them off now, but only for people that I like. When we had everything into the house I got to pick my room which is in the attic, I have an air conditioner so that it doesn�t get to hot, you know the whole heat rises crap.
We painted it a pale green to match my new blankets and suck, I also go a new bed since I grew a bit more, though im still short. I don�t think im going to get over 5�6 though I am that tall when I wear my sandals. Anyway back to my room, it�s got lots of green in it, and a new double bed that�s so comfy. My thing�s are away and I�ve gone shopping with Kitty and got some new lingerie, sleep wear stuff, a couple black and red baby dolls (short night gown), and a couple tank and pant pajamas. They are so comfy.
I like them even if I have no one to wear them for, and when im in one of the baby dolls I tend to stay in my room, since Kitty�s friend Landon has been here a lot and well there see through. Well I have some unpacking to do and some other stuff�ta ta
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