Welcome to Gaia! ::

I think this is my first time trying to memorize a song in a language I don't know a word of. xd I've almost got the transliteration of the chorus down! Well, not memorized, but pronounced correctly...as in, I can sing along in my head with the lyrics in front of me. Almost.

I'm aware. I've also already been told that by my mom, my brothers, and my counselor. Not the exact wording, but yeah. I think at this point I'm not seriously considering it, but I constantly think about it, sort of like a song that's stuck in your head. Pretty much every morning I wake up and I think, "What's the point in getting up?" And every night I go to bed and I kind of wish that I wouldn't wake up the next morning.

It's not entirely that I think life is pointless in and of itself; it's more that I feel I don't deserve it.

Jesus, I must be sounding emo right now.

I...
uhh...
I feel broken
Academically, my grades have lowered by one full letter grade since last year
And I don't even want to know what I'm getting in spanish, probably the worst letter grade i've ever gotten (and it's going to get worse). I can't focus in class, can't think for some reason, no matter how hard I try. I study hard, but when it comes to retention, it's like trying to catch flies with a tennis racket.
Socially, still sucks. Don't have many good friends, no one talks to me (quite frankly, looking at facebook makes me feel worse. Maybe i should quit that). And, my gf has ditched me twice already, and even though i know she loves me, I'm not too sure anymore... And no one wants to talk to me either. Yay!
(maybe like 3 people? not including the guys here, you guys are awesome)
AND I think I have some mental problem. Or something wrong with me...
Oh well, that's probably me being self centered, vain, and delusional
:/
(But of course, suicide is never an option [well not really, if you're facing a fate worse like death, like {man i shouldn't bring this guy up} Hitler, then it's probably a better decision])

Well, guess it could be worse :/
I could be poor and not have enough food to eat and be abused daily :/
What am I to complain about

ALSO, if this is the secrets thread
Why color it white? (unless it's disturbing or something)
It's meant to be read here, and people reading here care, and they want to read it
I'm not trying to be disrespectful, just stating my mind. Like i shouldn't have done for the past infinite times of my life

I also seem to have a knack for being ignored in here
I don't know why, but the past few times i've posted here (over like a year?), no one even glanced at my post, or if they did, contributed nothing to help ease my woes.
It's kind of hurtful to see others being helped, yet you (or me in my case) being left on the pier alone

Yeah, I guess people have a hard time responding to stuff that's as personal as this. I can understand why. It's hard to think of something to say that doesn't sound generic, like "Hope you feel better," or "Just be confident" or whatever.

As far as mental problem goes, it very well could be a mental illness. The problem with mental illnesses and disorders is that for a lot of them it's impossible to tell if you have it just by looking at brain scans or whatever. Unlike physical illnesses and disorders, it's pretty much all up to subjective analysis, e.g. "So, do you feel down all the time? Are you feeling tired more often than usual? Do you feel that you're losing interest in activities that you normally like to do? If yes to all of these, then you probably have depression! Here's your prescription." The problem with that is that it's very hard trying to not be biased when answering those questions.

But still, it wouldn't hurt to see a doctor about that stuff. It certainly helped me. I was diagnosed with A.D.D. last year and got on medication for that, it helped me quite a bit through high school. Then the doctor had me gradually stop taking the medication when I went off to college, and I ended up failing, but that was for a number of reasons.

To be honest, this thread is filled with a lot of troubles that everyone has to get out. Sometimes just getting it out is just fine and that's the end of it. Other times, people are asking for help. Most of the time, I can't really tell the difference between the two. =/ But I know what each person really wants something or someone to make just one little note about their post(s). It's been this way since the previous secrets thread too, I believe. I know I don't really reply to stuff on here, sorry. But like I said, sometimes things on here are a bit difficult to read so I don't. Or I read a few posts, but don't have time to reply to any of them. Also, when I reply and someone is asking for help, I want to make sure that I relate to that certain situation before giving advice or help or what not. For example, Jedi. I've never really had those problems before and agree 100% with what Perfy said. Sorry. =/

But don't feel sad or discouraged because you didn't get a reply. I'm sure there's a lot of people like me who just don't know how to respond, what Jedi said, or just doesn't have enough time. And you're not the only one being "ignored." A lot of other people are too. I'm sure at least everyone who has posted has been "ignored."

I'm not really sure where I was going with this post. Something I just want to say I guess...

And irrelevent:
Her: "We're Asian, can you cut Asian hair?"'
The person just kind of looks at her crazy. I know I wasn't aware that Asian hair is so special that only certain people can cut it. >>;

So I completely poured out every thought going on in my mind to my IRL friends hoping they would help me. I added a joke at the end to lighten it up a bit. They paid attention to the joke....and nothing else. I know it was long, but I tried to keep my explanations short, I broke things up into small paragraphs to make it easier to read. I tried to make it clear as possible that I was confused and needed help. Earlier I said not to help me I wanted my thoughts to be my own and now I'm not sure if I can trust them. I said to them I thought my sub conscience was messing me up and they still said nothing.

They're supposed to be my best friends, my sisters. They always wondered why I would always pick my guy friends over them and I don't. I just pick the person who listens to me. I love my friends, I really do. They've showed me how much they care about me. I just wish we could stop joking for a second and actually listen to each other.

I'm just as confused as I was before I said anything to them. Now I'm hurt too.

Great things
I hate hospitals
I cant afford to stay in hospital for a week
I apparently heart stopped ticking =O
I hate being electrocuted

Other than the above
I love the fact
I m ALIVE!! >D
I nolonger have to smell vomit and chemical crud/farts