Welcome to Gaia! ::

I think what is getting to me the most is the feeling of helpless loneliness. So many things are going in directions that... well... it's moving towards a world I don't think I can be in much less thrive in.

I am more worried about the deaths from the response to it. They have reached already over 500% of the dubious covid death numbers. Even the UN is starting to realize the response is going to cause more famine and general disease outbreaks over the coming years due to supply chain breakdowns alone. Some of the numbers I am seeing place the estimated malaria death spike upwards of an additional million, starvation up to 10 million... And who knows how much civil unrest this might create on top of it.

So it's like... Everything is being made worse, lives are being destroyed, fascism is being celebrated, and it's going to kill a lot more people. There isn't a benefit. It's not like we are going through this for a good reason. Saving one life here visibly is not worth more than 200 lives across the world dying from a six degrees of separation obfuscation.

And then i looks around and I just... Don't know what to do. There are so many bad decisions being made, so many choices to make things worse, to make this a less livable world, to crush human potential.

I have known for almost 20 years now that the world was not going to go in a direction I could thrive in, but in the last few months? It's like almost everyone I meet wants a world I can't live in. Where do you go when there are millions, perhaps billions, of people that want a world that is anathema to your very being? I already spent days in a hospital on suicide watch this year and I get put through a system with law enforcement and harassment and made to feel worse — I am not insane, I just want a chance to be happy.

I am sorry for bringing it up. I know that I should be trying to keep it together and not bring this toxic crud into what should be a safe space for us. Let the world run roughshod out there, but let the AGA be a place where we get four seconds without clenching teeth until the crack.

My best friend's sister is moving out. The house belongs to my best friend and the rent pays the mortgage. He offered the house to me. My boyfriend has offered to move with me. If I don't do this, a lot of people will be disappointed in me and my best friend will probably have the house taken by the bank.

I don't want to do it. I don't even think I have it in me to do it. I don't want to go to Florida. But I feel like I HAVE TO do it. I know I am not happy and dying here, I know that if I want to commit suicide, I should just throw it all away on this chance... But it's not a chance I like the look of.

Sorry for the worry, I have not been able to log-in to gaia since later the night I posted that.

It's a lot of things. I don't like the climate in Florida and it's a fairly remote place — five miles to a market, twelve to "town," fifteen to functional town. So for someone with my mobility problems, not great. Then there is the money side of it, I have gotten a trust payment coming in now, but it's $1,600 to $32,000 per year and with the money mostly coming from rents and drugstore operations with Covid, the payments are even dodgier, I don't have the financial security even if I cut into my savings. If my boyfriend goes with me, he can get a job easier than I can (he is a professional baker), but I don't want to be in a position where I dragged him into oblivion if I can't make the cut — I know that financial bullshit is part of a relationship, but I am of the mindset that you have a solid relationship before finances go to s**t, not drag one or the other into it from the start. I am also concerned my best friend would push me too hard, that I would put everything into this, throw away all of my progress of the last 10 years, crash and burn out there from the sheer volume of stress and upheaval and then he'd be on my case to push for every possible everything — he's far from having anything given to him, but he has been lucky to be the type that could force anything to happen for him, so he thinks anyone can do it. Hell, he still does not get that a HUGE reason I probably will never drive is that I have blackouts multiple times per day and next to no peripheral vision.

You and Gemstone are the ones who have felt they were legitimate. It makes me feel a lot less insane.

He is livid at me and immensely depressed in general. So I should have seized on it regardless of my own destruction just to spare that.

Sometimes I wonder if he's too good to be true. Then I just figure karma is balancing the scales — everything else is s**t, but awesome boyfriend. xp

If the area had started development 10 years ago, or this offer 10 years from now, it would likely be a far different situation.

We're looking into various aspects. Some money aside for traveling. Though he is laid off at the moment, so his funds are going into survival. Once covid subsides, hopefully we can have just enough stability to scout. He wants to go to the SF bay area and I am opposed to going back to CA. Anchorage, Colorado Springs, and coastal Oregon are on his short list. Eastern Montana, Colorado Springs, Anchorage, and New Hampshire are on mine. So we have some overlaps to check first. We've also both considered leaving the US, but it does not seem too feasible apart from maybe Canada.

But yeah, it's openly under consideration. We're just at a point where we want to scout a little and have some nest egg set aside before trying. The pandemic is less of a "not a good time" and more of a "well, that's adding 4 months or more lag onto our plans."