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 Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:12 pm
Exxos Sammirah Exxos Permission to freak out, curl up in a little ball, and have a panicked cry-fit. gonk Permission granted! *hugs* Wanna talk it out? Hope the wedding is smooth sailing from here for you. I am having problems putting it all into words. I am so overwhelmed by it all. I am freaking out about everything going on. Performance anxiety. I am getting this constant feedback that I am a slob, look awful, and shameful. That I can't behave right. I can't do anything right. Why was I asked to be a best man? Why the hell was I even invited? They obviously know who I am! It's not like I can just stop being a horrible, imcomplete, lost person overnight. Then there are all the things just building on my poor self-esteem and self-hatred beyond that... I am surrounded by all these normal, functional people with futures and here I am, just a worthless schmuck. And they discuss all these things... And I am lost... I am immature... an idiot manchild. cry And they talk about having kids... That just hurts. They're so happy, so perfectly matched, have so much ahead of them. Sorry... this just comes out as petty bitching and emoness. I am not even handling what is knocking around in my head, just babbling through it and taking surface thoughts. So why do you need to own their words? Even if they are your family and friends, screw 'em. Prove them wrong. Just be who you want to be. Don't hold yourself up to what makes them happy.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:37 pm
OOOH I SOLD SOMETHING ELSE!!!! SO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS??? MORE MONEYS FOR YOUS!!!!! SWING BY MY CONTESTS AND TAKE A CHANCE!
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:59 pm
Sammirah Exxos Sammirah Exxos Permission to freak out, curl up in a little ball, and have a panicked cry-fit. gonk Permission granted! *hugs* Wanna talk it out? Hope the wedding is smooth sailing from here for you. I am having problems putting it all into words. I am so overwhelmed by it all. I am freaking out about everything going on. Performance anxiety. I am getting this constant feedback that I am a slob, look awful, and shameful. That I can't behave right. I can't do anything right. Why was I asked to be a best man? Why the hell was I even invited? They obviously know who I am! It's not like I can just stop being a horrible, imcomplete, lost person overnight. Then there are all the things just building on my poor self-esteem and self-hatred beyond that... I am surrounded by all these normal, functional people with futures and here I am, just a worthless schmuck. And they discuss all these things... And I am lost... I am immature... an idiot manchild. cry And they talk about having kids... That just hurts. They're so happy, so perfectly matched, have so much ahead of them. Sorry... this just comes out as petty bitching and emoness. I am not even handling what is knocking around in my head, just babbling through it and taking surface thoughts. So why do you need to own their words? Even if they are your family and friends, screw 'em. Prove them wrong. Just be who you want to be. Don't hold yourself up to what makes them happy. I want their approval. I want to be a better person for them. Problem is, that person is not someone I could ever be. So it is difficult. Also, nothing much makes me happy, so if I can make them happy, it is something more than nothing. I think the only things that touch my heart truly in a happy way are praise and acceptance, I'll do anything for that. I also admit that, just to come out here and fail as miserably as I have, I basically destroyed a decade's progress and damned a large chunk of my future.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:09 pm
Exxos Sammirah Exxos Sammirah Exxos Permission to freak out, curl up in a little ball, and have a panicked cry-fit. gonk Permission granted! *hugs* Wanna talk it out? Hope the wedding is smooth sailing from here for you. I am having problems putting it all into words. I am so overwhelmed by it all. I am freaking out about everything going on. Performance anxiety. I am getting this constant feedback that I am a slob, look awful, and shameful. That I can't behave right. I can't do anything right. Why was I asked to be a best man? Why the hell was I even invited? They obviously know who I am! It's not like I can just stop being a horrible, imcomplete, lost person overnight. Then there are all the things just building on my poor self-esteem and self-hatred beyond that... I am surrounded by all these normal, functional people with futures and here I am, just a worthless schmuck. And they discuss all these things... And I am lost... I am immature... an idiot manchild. cry And they talk about having kids... That just hurts. They're so happy, so perfectly matched, have so much ahead of them. Sorry... this just comes out as petty bitching and emoness. I am not even handling what is knocking around in my head, just babbling through it and taking surface thoughts. So why do you need to own their words? Even if they are your family and friends, screw 'em. Prove them wrong. Just be who you want to be. Don't hold yourself up to what makes them happy. I want their approval. I want to be a better person for them. Problem is, that person is not someone I could ever be. So it is difficult. Also, nothing much makes me happy, so if I can make them happy, it is something more than nothing. I think the only things that touch my heart truly in a happy way are praise and acceptance, I'll do anything for that. I also admit that, just to come out here and fail as miserably as I have, I basically destroyed a decade's progress and damned a large chunk of my future. But the real tragedy of living for other people's approval means you can never be happy. Even if you get that praise and make someone happy it's only fleeting. Besides, they are responsible for their own happiness - don't put that burden on yourself. As far as acceptance goes in the crowd you're currently in.. you have to remember that at weddings the dominant crowd is going to be family members not your friends. Family (especially extended family) is notorious for making people feel like they haven't lived up to expectations - certainly not all family members but a big group of family is a mixed bag. It's not the same as being surrounded by friends who will accept and love you for who you are. So your life takes a different path than theirs. Maybe they've been luckier in their circumstances and have no freaking clue what you've had to go through in your life. Screw them! They aren't better than you and they don't have any right to judge. As I said before - special occasions like weddings are weird for everyone involved. Just grit your teeth and get through it. It's not just you that finds these kinds of things to be an ordeal. I think you are simply a lot more sensitive to it given your troubles. When all is said and done, you will have done something nice for your friends by being there for them. Everything else doesn't matter.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:34 pm
Camwen But the real tragedy of living for other people's approval means you can never be happy. Even if you get that praise and make someone happy it's only fleeting. Besides, they are responsible for their own happiness - don't put that burden on yourself. I don't know what to do with myself otherwise though. I admit that I have no reason to live otherwise. I have searched a lot for meaning and purpose, but those are the only things that I come back to time and again that bring me some happiness. I don't want to be hitched to anyone, I just have yet to find some other bliss. Camwen As far as acceptance goes in the crowd you're currently in.. you have to remember that at weddings the dominant crowd is going to be family members not your friends. Family (especially extended family) is notorious for making people feel like they haven't lived up to expectations - certainly not all family members but a big group of family is a mixed bag. It's not the same as being surrounded by friends who will accept and love you for who you are. . Yeah, I have no illusions that any of their friends or family will approve of me - they are quite vocal about how much they do not. It's the disapproval of my friends that is hurting. I am trying really hard, jumping through hoops, making changes and doing things that I find not just difficult, but repulsive. My only expectation is some understanding that even if I am failing left and right, I AM TRYING. I know trying is not good enough, I do not expect things to be okayed away, just that they understand. Camwen So your life takes a different path than theirs. Maybe they've been luckier in their circumstances and have no freaking clue what you've had to go through in your life. Screw them! They aren't better than you and they don't have any right to judge. . THing is, they know EXACTLY what I have been through, these two know me better than anyone in my life ever besides myself (and probably on a lot of fronts better than myself). They've had hard lives and I should shut up, but it still hurts that they can judge and know that what they are saying is impossible. Camwen As I said before - special occasions like weddings are weird for everyone involved. Just grit your teeth and get through it. It's not just you that finds these kinds of things to be an ordeal. I think you are simply a lot more sensitive to it given your troubles. When all is said and done, you will have done something nice for your friends by being there for them. Everything else doesn't matter. Yes, I know. And I know they feel they can act this way because they know I will weather whatever is thrown at me. I am the safe target in this stressful time, I am the one that they know is not going anywhere and will support them no matter how huge a douche they decide to be.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:55 pm
Exxos Camwen But the real tragedy of living for other people's approval means you can never be happy. Even if you get that praise and make someone happy it's only fleeting. Besides, they are responsible for their own happiness - don't put that burden on yourself. I don't know what to do with myself otherwise though. I admit that I have no reason to live otherwise. I have searched a lot for meaning and purpose, but those are the only things that I come back to time and again that bring me some happiness. I don't want to be hitched to anyone, I just have yet to find some other bliss. Camwen As far as acceptance goes in the crowd you're currently in.. you have to remember that at weddings the dominant crowd is going to be family members not your friends. Family (especially extended family) is notorious for making people feel like they haven't lived up to expectations - certainly not all family members but a big group of family is a mixed bag. It's not the same as being surrounded by friends who will accept and love you for who you are. . Yeah, I have no illusions that any of their friends or family will approve of me - they are quite vocal about how much they do not. It's the disapproval of my friends that is hurting. I am trying really hard, jumping through hoops, making changes and doing things that I find not just difficult, but repulsive. My only expectation is some understanding that even if I am failing left and right, I AM TRYING. I know trying is not good enough, I do not expect things to be okayed away, just that they understand. Camwen So your life takes a different path than theirs. Maybe they've been luckier in their circumstances and have no freaking clue what you've had to go through in your life. Screw them! They aren't better than you and they don't have any right to judge. . THing is, they know EXACTLY what I have been through, these two know me better than anyone in my life ever besides myself (and probably on a lot of fronts better than myself). They've had hard lives and I should shut up, but it still hurts that they can judge and know that what they are saying is impossible. Camwen As I said before - special occasions like weddings are weird for everyone involved. Just grit your teeth and get through it. It's not just you that finds these kinds of things to be an ordeal. I think you are simply a lot more sensitive to it given your troubles. When all is said and done, you will have done something nice for your friends by being there for them. Everything else doesn't matter. Yes, I know. And I know they feel they can act this way because they know I will weather whatever is thrown at me. I am the safe target in this stressful time, I am the one that they know is not going anywhere and will support them no matter how huge a douche they decide to be. I think you're completely right when you say that you are the safe target. It's because out of all the people that are stressing them out right now, they probably trust you not to make them feel judged (which I know is not fair because they are making you feel like crap right now). Just remember they are the center of attention and are getting it from all sides. Looking back at my own wedding, even though it was a much smaller affair, I feel a little guilty for not letting certain people know just how grateful I was for all they did. I was just so darn distracted and worried that everything was going to run smoothly. They are your friends though and I believe they will realize, when things calm down again, how much you put up with to support them on their special day. Doing nice things for other people IS a worthwhile purpose. I guess what I'm trying to get at is you can't always rely on how much you will be appreciated for it. If you can let go some of the need for praise and enjoy helping out just for the sake of helping...? And here's a little praise anyway ( wink ) I personally think you are an awesome person for going out there, knowing what you would have to go through, and supporting your friends anyway. Staying there through all the crap and putting up with the judgement makes you a better person than a lot of us would be. You are a rare true friend and that is something to be proud of.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 5:07 pm
Camwen Exxos Camwen But the real tragedy of living for other people's approval means you can never be happy. Even if you get that praise and make someone happy it's only fleeting. Besides, they are responsible for their own happiness - don't put that burden on yourself. I don't know what to do with myself otherwise though. I admit that I have no reason to live otherwise. I have searched a lot for meaning and purpose, but those are the only things that I come back to time and again that bring me some happiness. I don't want to be hitched to anyone, I just have yet to find some other bliss. Camwen As far as acceptance goes in the crowd you're currently in.. you have to remember that at weddings the dominant crowd is going to be family members not your friends. Family (especially extended family) is notorious for making people feel like they haven't lived up to expectations - certainly not all family members but a big group of family is a mixed bag. It's not the same as being surrounded by friends who will accept and love you for who you are. . Yeah, I have no illusions that any of their friends or family will approve of me - they are quite vocal about how much they do not. It's the disapproval of my friends that is hurting. I am trying really hard, jumping through hoops, making changes and doing things that I find not just difficult, but repulsive. My only expectation is some understanding that even if I am failing left and right, I AM TRYING. I know trying is not good enough, I do not expect things to be okayed away, just that they understand. Camwen So your life takes a different path than theirs. Maybe they've been luckier in their circumstances and have no freaking clue what you've had to go through in your life. Screw them! They aren't better than you and they don't have any right to judge. . THing is, they know EXACTLY what I have been through, these two know me better than anyone in my life ever besides myself (and probably on a lot of fronts better than myself). They've had hard lives and I should shut up, but it still hurts that they can judge and know that what they are saying is impossible. Camwen As I said before - special occasions like weddings are weird for everyone involved. Just grit your teeth and get through it. It's not just you that finds these kinds of things to be an ordeal. I think you are simply a lot more sensitive to it given your troubles. When all is said and done, you will have done something nice for your friends by being there for them. Everything else doesn't matter. Yes, I know. And I know they feel they can act this way because they know I will weather whatever is thrown at me. I am the safe target in this stressful time, I am the one that they know is not going anywhere and will support them no matter how huge a douche they decide to be. I think you're completely right when you say that you are the safe target. It's because out of all the people that are stressing them out right now, they probably trust you not to make them feel judged (which I know is not fair because they are making you feel like crap right now). Just remember they are the center of attention and are getting it from all sides. Looking back at my own wedding, even though it was a much smaller affair, I feel a little guilty for not letting certain people know just how grateful I was for all they did. I was just so darn distracted and worried that everything was going to run smoothly. They are your friends though and I believe they will realize, when things calm down again, how much you put up with to support them on their special day. Doing nice things for other people IS a worthwhile purpose. I guess what I'm trying to get at is you can't always rely on how much you will be appreciated for it. If you can let go some of the need for praise and enjoy helping out just for the sake of helping...? And here's a little praise anyway ( wink ) I personally think you are an awesome person for going out there, knowing what you would have to go through, and supporting your friends anyway. Staying there through all the crap and putting up with the judgement makes you a better person than a lot of us would be. You are a rare true friend and that is something to be proud of. Exxos, sorry to be so blunt...but I totally agree with Sammairah...they have all these expectations for you...fu*ck'em! You can only be you, you can only live FOR YOU, and only YOU knows what's best for YOU. I mean, it's not like those people haven't messed up in their lives ever. Go at your own pace; and if it takes a month, a year or a couple of years to make it where YOU want to be, then so be it. I was/still am kinda where you are, in wanting to prove to people that I'm worth more then gum stuck to a person's shoe bottom. I've learned though through other people that I am actually worth something no matter how my family sees me...and dammit, you're worth something big too! You have a very good heart and I'm sure you're going to succeed at something and exceed people's views of you someday, all you have to do is take it one day at a time. I think the worse thing you could do to yourself is keep digging yourself a hole focusing on and trying to be what others want you to be. I mean, geez...you were made best man for obvious reasons; your sister sees something really good in you...and THATS what you should focus on and be damn proud! So case in point...for those other people...FU*CK'EM!
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2012 8:49 pm
Exxos Sammirah Exxos Sammirah Exxos Permission to freak out, curl up in a little ball, and have a panicked cry-fit. gonk Permission granted! *hugs* Wanna talk it out? Hope the wedding is smooth sailing from here for you. I am having problems putting it all into words. I am so overwhelmed by it all. I am freaking out about everything going on. Performance anxiety. I am getting this constant feedback that I am a slob, look awful, and shameful. That I can't behave right. I can't do anything right. Why was I asked to be a best man? Why the hell was I even invited? They obviously know who I am! It's not like I can just stop being a horrible, imcomplete, lost person overnight. Then there are all the things just building on my poor self-esteem and self-hatred beyond that... I am surrounded by all these normal, functional people with futures and here I am, just a worthless schmuck. And they discuss all these things... And I am lost... I am immature... an idiot manchild. cry And they talk about having kids... That just hurts. They're so happy, so perfectly matched, have so much ahead of them. Sorry... this just comes out as petty bitching and emoness. I am not even handling what is knocking around in my head, just babbling through it and taking surface thoughts. So why do you need to own their words? Even if they are your family and friends, screw 'em. Prove them wrong. Just be who you want to be. Don't hold yourself up to what makes them happy. I want their approval. I want to be a better person for them. Problem is, that person is not someone I could ever be. So it is difficult. Also, nothing much makes me happy, so if I can make them happy, it is something more than nothing. I think the only things that touch my heart truly in a happy way are praise and acceptance, I'll do anything for that. I also admit that, just to come out here and fail as miserably as I have, I basically destroyed a decade's progress and damned a large chunk of my future. I'm sorry, I'm just not going to jump in on the pity party. You're the one who's decided you want to "live up to" others' expectations. You're basically just giving yourself an excuse to avoid responsibility by saying it's their expectations that you can't fulfill, and that you can't control it. Well, guess what, you can. Stop making excuses.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:07 am
Sammirah Well, it's certainly very cool that he's a candidate! I've heard that Scandinavian countries are generally very gay-friendly. Would you say that's true? gaia_nitemareleft The atmosphere in Scandinavia is much more tolerant than in some part of the world, but I think there's always room for improvement. My country for example doesn't recognize gay marriage, but they can register their relationship that is almost the same. But, when you think that in Finland changed the law in the '70's that gayness is no longer considered as mental illness, I think we've come a long way. smile Still, like every country, we have our strict conservative idiots who would like that we would go back to the year 1700. rolleyes @Exxos: You are a great person, but you need to stop trying to live how you think other people might think you should live your life. It's breaking you apart. You do have a future, and some times that can be scary, but you can do it if you just give your self a permission to live your life as you want it. Edit: I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* gaia_angelright
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:46 am
Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool!
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:50 pm
Sammirah Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool! I was also happily surprised to see cheaply priced nice things! I snagged several of the new starter things.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:09 pm
Camwen Sammirah Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool! I was also happily surprised to see cheaply priced nice things! I snagged several of the new starter things. I bought everything I like, which is to say everything except the spacey things. Don't know what I'll do with any of them yet, but at 5g a pop who cares? razz
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:24 pm
Sammirah Camwen Sammirah Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool! I was also happily surprised to see cheaply priced nice things! I snagged several of the new starter things. I bought everything I like, which is to say everything except the spacey things. Don't know what I'll do with any of them yet, but at 5g a pop who cares? razz gaia_nitemareleft Thanks Sammirah! I had pretty much the same idea and bought a bunch of the new starter stuff. Luckily I managed to make an outfit with them. whee The recent starter items have been really well made. I wish they would make updates like this more often in the gold shops. gaia_angelright
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:58 pm
Lilygwen Sammirah Camwen Sammirah Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool! I was also happily surprised to see cheaply priced nice things! I snagged several of the new starter things. I bought everything I like, which is to say everything except the spacey things. Don't know what I'll do with any of them yet, but at 5g a pop who cares? razz gaia_nitemareleft Thanks Sammirah! I had pretty much the same idea and bought a bunch of the new starter stuff. Luckily I managed to make an outfit with them. whee The recent starter items have been really well made. I wish they would make updates like this more often in the gold shops. gaia_angelright I really like what you've done with them 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:11 pm
Lilygwen Sammirah Camwen Sammirah Lilygwen I love these new starter stuff! *twirls around in the new outfit* You look really cute! I kind of love starter items. There's a few good ones, and this new batch is really cool! I was also happily surprised to see cheaply priced nice things! I snagged several of the new starter things. I bought everything I like, which is to say everything except the spacey things. Don't know what I'll do with any of them yet, but at 5g a pop who cares? razz gaia_nitemareleft Thanks Sammirah! I had pretty much the same idea and bought a bunch of the new starter stuff. Luckily I managed to make an outfit with them. whee The recent starter items have been really well made. I wish they would make updates like this more often in the gold shops. gaia_angelright Me too! I love gold shop updates. I like affordable items that don't fluctuate in price and that I can get in two or three different colours.
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