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 Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:42 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety
45. I will keep my hair under control and my fingernails trimmed. Long, loose hair is much too convenient a handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails let me press The Button myself.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:45 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-one
46. I will identify any phobias or nervous habits I have and undergo therapy until I can overcome them. It would be Just Too Vexing to be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:46 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-two
47. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:49 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-three
48. The internet is my friend. Using body doubles, I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress.boudoir. live.com, fear with www.EvilEmpress.pit-of-despair.live.com, and utter slavish obedience with www.EvilEmpress.strict-discipline.live.com. I can also sell t-shirts and other Evil Empress [tm] merchandise.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:06 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-four
49. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:07 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-five
50. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware of advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:09 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-six
51. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:12 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-seven
Notes on Fortress Construction:
52. Start with a sound building. Broken windows and decrepit construction may be picturesque, but a computerized operation can't tolerate the inevitable dust, bugs, and rain; and besides, they're hell on your heating and cooling bills.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:14 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-eight
53. Instead of building a huge flashy Fortress of Evil, consider renting an anonymous warehouse, an empty office block, or a strip mall or industrial park that's fallen on hard times. It'll save money, be harder to spot, and will already have utility hookups.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:16 pm
Nudge six hundred and ninety-nine
54. Also consider filling unneeded space in your lab with incomprehensible but powerful-looking surplus computer equipment -- superannuated vaxen and the like, bought cheap -- to keep your minions properly cowed.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:18 pm
Nudge seven hundred
55. A stock of mysterious old equipment is also useful for chasing off intruders. Studies have shown that most secret agents will flee as soon as a few large and imposing items begin to emit sparks and smoke. An additional "it's about to blow" warning siren will cause more than 90% of international counterintelligence agents to run out the nearest exit without checking to see whether the smoking equipment is part of the evil plot they were trying to foil.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:20 pm
Nudge seven hundred and one
56. Self-destruct mechanisms should only be triggerable from the heart of your device/ship/fortress, and should implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:22 pm
Nudge seven hundred and two
57. Your Command Center should have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100-story subterranean shaft that contains a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external links, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair, near the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' that's accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:23 pm
Nudge seven hundred and three
58. In an unobtrusive spot outside your fortress, plant a remotely-controlled boom box with a tape recording of a sports car speeding away. If the hero breaks in, just step into a broom closet, cue the boom box, and wait calmly while he goes off on a wild goose chase. Then come out and get back to work.
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:25 pm
Nudge seven hundred and four
59. If possible, no exhaust ports should lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports should have closeable reinforced blast doors at every other level, and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.
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