We do what we must because we can
for the good of all of us
except the ones who are dead
But there's no sense crying over every mistake...
Cookies make everything better.
But, this retarded crack-story makes everything worse xD
It all started when our protagonist, Sakura, woke up in a moor. It was the fifth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly displeased, Sakura attacked a mitten, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly, she realized that her beloved shiny thing was missing! Immediately she called her slave, Taro. Sakura had known Taro for (plus or minus) 200 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Taro was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... oafish. Sakura called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Taro picked up to a very sad Sakura. Taro calmly assured her that most capybaras belch before mating, yet giraffes usually flamboyantly shudder after mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Sakura. Why was Taro trying to distract Sakura? Because he had snuck out from Sakura's with the shiny thing only five days prior. It was a enchanting little shiny thing... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Sakura got back to the subject at hand: her shiny thing. Taro yawned. Relunctantly, Taro invited her over, assuring her they'd find the shiny thing. Sakura grabbed her couch and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Taro realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the shiny thing and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if Sakura took the '82 Corolla, he had take at least eight minutes before Sakura would get there. But if she took the Magic Box? Then Taro would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Taro was interrupted by six dimwitted squirrels that were lured by his shiny thing. Taro sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he randomly reached for his stapler and carefully poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Magic Box rolling up. It was Sakura.
----o0o----
As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of paper clips, so she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Sakura was out of the Magic Box and went sassily jaunting toward Taro's front door. Meanwhile inside, Taro was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the shiny thing into a box of oven mitts and then slid the box behind his desk. Taro was frustrated but at least the shiny thing was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Taro called. With a deft push, Sakura opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish a** in a Pontiac Aztec,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Taro assured her. Sakura took a seat right next to where Taro had hidden the shiny thing. Taro grimaced trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Sakura was distracted. Subsequently, Taro noticed a clueless look on Sakura's face. Sakura slowly opened her mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Taro felt a stabbing pain in his back when Sakura asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the shiny thing right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Sakura's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's mittens from when she used to have pet capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Sakura nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Taro could react, Sakura aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The shiny thing was plainly in view.
Sakura stared at Taro for what what must've been six microseconds. Without warning, Taro groped scandalously in Sakura's direction, clearly desperate. Sakura grabbed the shiny thing and bolted for the door. It was locked. Taro let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Sakura,' he rebuked. Taro always had been a little pestering, so Sakura knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Taro did something crazy, like... start chucking forks at her or something. Rather abruptly, she gripped her shiny thing tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Taro looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Sakura. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Sakura. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Taro walked over to the window and looked down. Sakura was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Sakura was struggling to make her way through the cornfield behind Taro's place. Sakura had severely hurt her back during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral squirrels suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the shiny thing. One by one they latched on to Sakura. Already weakened from her injury, Sakura yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of squirrels running off with her shiny thing.
But then "God" came down with His easygoing smile and restored Sakura's shiny thing. Feeling displeased, God (who was actually Atemu, pretending to be God) smote the squirrels for their injustice. Then He got in His truck and dashed away with the fortitude of 550,000 kittens running from a shrunken pack of bunnies. Sakura squealed with joy when she saw this. Her shiny thing was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes Taro's least-favorite TV show, Hannah Montana, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When hamsters meet unborn fetus') and she was determined to make him watch it. Sakura was giddy. And so, everyone except Taro and a few malaria-toting koalas lived blissfully happy, forever after.
I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart and killed me
