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bittersweet and evocative
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 Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:18 am
Boldie, I am addressing you in your own post, and I'll add a second comment after this one.
I am not going to tell you how strong you are. I am not going to tell you the cliche that 'you'll be fine.' Instead, I am going to tell you this: thank you. Thank you for sharing here your troubles, your imperfections, what you're going through. Thank you for the fact you have given me so much and taken so little since we started talking. Thank you that you have given me hope that I can live a normal life (What ever normal is!), even if that life be accompanied by a life's supply of pain. You may feel terrible at the moment, and truthfully, Boldie, that's ok. It's hypocritical of me to write this, because my technique over the past 4 years has been 'if I ignore it, it won't exist. If I smile, people will believe I'm ok, and in turn I may also believe that. If I put on a brave face, what's happening to my body is not occurring.' The fact that you came in here Boldie, and wrote all that, *pauses* I don't even know how to word it. So thank you.
And that black hole? It's engulfing me as we speak. Drowning out the noise around me, so much so that I find it hard to focus. Everyone around me is continuing their lives as per usual, but I've come to a road block. I can't move forwards. I can't move anywhere. So instead I'm being left behind. My family has given up on the chances of me improving, and they've pushed me to the side. As have my doctors, my friends. I don't know what to do. So I understand how you're feeling in regards to your husband. Well, I don't know, I can never know, what it's like for you, but I can darn well try!
But Boldie, the least of your worries is posting here, ok? If you're sore, don't spend the energy typing. Please? I worry about you, and I'm praying that you're ok and that the medication kicks in soon. Or that the doctors change you onto something that will actually works. I love you so much, Boldie. xox 
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:26 am
Ok, now for the other messages ><
Effie says hi to everyone!! Oh, and waves. (She told me off because I didn't write that she was waving...)
Wolf, the hospital knows me veeeeery well! How is your knee doing? You've been in my thoughts, and I hope that you (and your horse) are doing ok. Don't worry about short posts - it's awesome that you were here ><
Madralyn, exams have indeed been keeping me busy, but I'm so glad that my last one was this morning. Relieved that they're over, but I have run out of spoons. I think I may be in debt. I went off to my singing lesson this afternoon after my exam, and then went to my mum's work to help with the parent teacher interviews and have only just got home. And my body isn't letting me off that easy. You know how pain always feels a heck of a lot worse when you've had a break, no matter how short, when you weren't thinking about it, or letting it take over your life? Well, I'm in that situation now. And I wish I wasn't. I hope you got some rest tonight, also!
as8b, I'm so excited about my letter!! lol I'm already planning my one for you >< and yep, I have more doctors than I have fingers. It's rather impressive, but you get so used to being introduced to new doctors, you soon forget about it. I used to be able to name all the doctors I've ever seen. Now I meet a few more every time I go into hospital. I lost count about two years ago!
I'm off to try and get some much needed rest, before physio tomorrow morning. No matter how many times people tell me it's good for me to be moving my leg at physio, the pain never allows me to believe it. xox sleep well everyone!! xox
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:34 am
boldie: Yes, I agree with Ailsa. Thank you! ^-^
And don't even try to type if it's too much. 3nodding
Ailsa: My knee is better! (It's one of those off and on things... and sometimes I get a warning that it doesn't want to respond anytime soon, and sometimes I don't) My horse is better too, like I said, he's still young and has plenty of time to heal. It turns out that it was just a twist! YAY! At least it's better than a break or sprain!
Oh wow... This is one short post! @.@
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:06 pm
I want this to be fair and square for the 6 girls. So you girls get 1/6 chances to win.
AND THE WINNER FOR HUG SOFT, LOVE STRONG - PAGE 10 IS:     just won 100 gold !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood generated a random number between
1 and 6 ...
6!
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:19 pm
boldie! That was so cute!
Just finished dinner and stopping by to say hello!!!
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 5:02 pm
It seems in the last 45 minutes, that's all I've been doing is typing and making posts. I want to thank EVERYONE who was concerned for me. The black hole is getting smaller each and every minute I'm on Gaia. I talked to my doctor--actually lemme just go get the other post and paste it in here--it'll be so much easier....... hold on....... *think of the Jeopardy tune while I go get it.....okay back......... here we go...
I think talking to my doctor in person really helped. He told me suicide is another "word" for anger, which I did not know that. So, he made me tell him all the things/people I was angry at and it so helped. However, he told me as well, that I will always have this pain--for the rest of my life-how comforting (being sarcastic), and he changed my medication once again. Not for pain, but for depression. He added Seroquel 50 mg. So, we'll see how THIS works, starting tonight. I do feel alittle stronger in that I actually had someone's (doctor) FULL attention when I was telling him all that was wrong. So, maybe I'm not so much on the road to healing, but I'm on the road to accepting things alittle bit more. idk... But I DO appreciate all the love and support I have received throughout these last 2 weeks. Thank you everyone.
(and wouldn't you know........ even my graphics are in pink! lol)
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:51 pm
Yay boldie!!! Let's hope that this time it works!
Summer really seems to mess me up... All I do is sit around and go on the computer, read, watch TV, go on the computer... read... And all I wanna do is go outside. Go biking. And usually its fun, but only if I have friends with me. I mean, sometimes I do like the peace and quiet of going on the mountains alone with my doggies, but Summer gives me enough alone time, and I wanna be with my friends D:
Either they're at camp (And didn't tell me they were going/for how long) , on vacation, too lazy to pick up their phone, or they moved too far away to come and join me D:
And Summer makes me neglect things... like washing my face... and now I have a zit on my lip... HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!?
I need school back so that I can get back on schedule... you know... annoying the teachers... slamming kids against lockers... sitting with my few friends at the table in the corner at lunch... the good times!
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Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:21 pm
Boldie, it's so nice to hear your cheery voice again. Well, read it, but you know what I mean!! I think that it's about time a doctor gave you the attention you deserve. I'll thank God in my prayers that He provided you with a doctor who actually listened to you, and is trying to make things that bit easier.
New medication? Well, lets hope this one is more productive for you than the last. I like the sound of your doctor though, in regards to his ideas about suicide. I spoke for the first time to a friend the other night about what it really feels like for me on the days when the hole immerses me entirely. Lots of tears were shed that day. And she looks slightly uncomfortable in my presence now, so I'm torn being thinking that it was a good thing I talked about it and a disaster. I feel as if there is a black hole in my stomach, sucking me into it, and leaving nothing behind. It's like something bad is about to happen - I just don't know what it is yet.
My Grandma has just arrived home with my sister from Australia, so I'm putting on a brave face, a hopefully convincing smile, and am heading into the midst of socialising. Oh great. Love to you all, and Boldie, I am really happy that you're feeling better. That makes one of us ><
xx Ailsa xx
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bittersweet and evocative
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 2:47 pm
How is everyone? Today has been a lazy day D:
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:41 pm
Hey all,
Have been a university all weekend on a writing course - absolutely amazing!!! It's been so much fun. I've been working with New Zealand's most famous authors and poets, who have been critiquing my work and giving us tips for writing. But now I'm really paying for it. After 14 hours of constant work, mentally and physically, I'm absolutely shattered. My leg is reminding me of why I'm supposed to rest more than I do, and I'm getting really dizzy. So I will be off line shortly, to call my friend and rest up in bed, hoping and praying that I'll get a little bit of sleep. How are guys going though? I've been praying for each and everyone of you, for all different reasons but also for the fact you are such amazing friends to me.
xx love Ailsa xx
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bittersweet and evocative
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bittersweet and evocative
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Posted: Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:50 pm
This is a poem I wrote today, describing my experience of falling into a coma. I'm not sure if anyone actually wants to read it, but I was just thinking that it might help explain to people what it was like for me, and it links into the reasons as to why I get really low some times.
The Night
"And what perfect driving conditions we have tonight!"
I remember the fall, my ankles grabbed by the rose vines, dragging me into the carpet.
I remember the emptiness, my consciousness moving into a new home.
I remember the weights on my chest, detaining me from leaving the country.
I remember the noise, the unknown voices.
I remember nothing more.
I don't remember what was screening that night, which held you captive in the lounge.
I don't remember what drove you to come into my room.
I don't remember what you said. Did.
I don't remember the name of the operator, the drivers.
I don't remember how they tricked my heart into working again.
And I don't want to.
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Posted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 7:57 am
Ailsa, do get some sleep! My bf has been up 27 hours straight... now I have two people who need sleep! Gosh...
Well, nothing else much to say... gotta take the doggies for a walk...
P.S. Ailsa, great poem! I write "dark" poems about Wolves, and the teachers never put them in the schools Literary Magazine D: they used to... but not anymore.
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A_Wolf_Drowning_In_Blood Crew
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