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 Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:55 pm
Nudge five hundred and eleven
111. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:56 pm
Nudge five hundred and twelve
112. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 3:59 pm
Nudge five hundred and thirteen
113. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:02 pm
Nudge five hundred and fourteen
114. During ritual sacrifices, it's considered bad form to take bits home "for later".
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:05 pm
Nudge five hundred and fifteen
115. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:07 pm
Nudge five hundred and sixteen
116. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:09 pm
Nudge five hundred and seventeen
117. Never play strip Tarot.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:11 pm
Nudge five hundred and eighteen
118. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:13 pm
Nudge five hundred and nineteen
119. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is right out. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:17 pm
Nudge five hundred and twenty
120. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:22 pm
Nudge five hundred and twenty-one
121. Register the copyrights on your chants, so you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:26 pm
Nudge five hundred and twelve (I jumped ten posts by accident!!! I'm not going to go back and fix all of them, but from now on I will go by the Correct numbers by jove!)
122. Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:30 pm
Nudge five hundred and thirteen
Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage
123. Inoculate before invasion. heart
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:32 pm
Nudge five hundred and fourteen
124. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
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Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 4:34 pm
Nudge five hundred and fifteen
125. No matter how pretty the girl is, leave her alone. It's almost guaranteed that your anatomies (not to mention your biologies) are incompatible.
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