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Welcome to Delmor, For Better or For Worse
By Derrick Wrightspot

Delmor: A quiet seaside village of wholesome people and warm ocean breezes.
Delmor: A place to relax, kick back, and forget the sorrows of the world.
Delmor: Heaven on earth.

Too bad the flyers at the Delmor Visitor’s Center don’t tell the whole story. It’s true, Delmor is a seaside village of sometimes warm ocean breezes, but as with most tourist traps in New England the flyers usually miss the big picture. So, I guess it’s my job to tell you the truth.

Bluntly, Delmor is a tiny Islandinsula off the coast of New England. It doesn’t matter what state because, quite frankly, they are all the same. We call it an “islandinsula” because it is an island sometimes attached to the mainland by a sand bar. This, of course, makes getting on and off the island difficult. If you have a good enough vehicle you can drive off during low tide. If you don’t or it’s not low tide, you have to take the ferry to the far side of the island and drive up the cliffs from the boat.

The climate is hot in the summer and freezing in the winter, but luckily not to the extent of other places because of its location in the middle of the freaking ocean. In the winter everyone goes crazy because it’s too cold to fish and too icy to cross the bar. Plus, the weather is often too bad to run the ferry on the unprotected side of the island. Not to mention everyone off the island likes to call us "Delmorons".

Under the surface of all those facts is a seemingly normal population. I say “seemingly” because tourists never stick around long enough to find such local treasures as the Duck Farm run by Ted Nugget that coincidentally also has chickens and a few alpacas. In the middle of a residential neighborhood! Go figure! And then there's Back Ali's, run by a very shady person, doing dealings with very shady people out the back of a pastry store! Yeah, nothing to see here folks...

And don’t even get me started on all the masked avengers running around nowadays! The underworld keeps getting darker and the costumes keep getting weirder… Yeah, I wish Delmor were as normal as all those tourists think it is! I feel oh so much safer at night knowing that some creep in a costume is there should I scream for help in some dark alleyway!

Given that crime is down recently, I guess I ought to give some credit where credit is due. But you know, with less crime comes more tourists, and those nighttime vigilantes are almost more than I can take. Where are the police? Nowhere else in the world is a citizen allowed to take justice into their own hands. Nowhere but Delmor. Our own quiet little whacko basket. It’s enough to make me believe that the police may even be in league with these weirdoes!

Watch out Delmor, the freaks have come to play.


Reprinted with permission from the Delmor Daily Dispatch. June 5, 2008.





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