The Colosseum V [Duelling Grounds]

[Lovers Never Tell]

calviness

Adimurti

"It has been three years, one month and twelve days since the first time I saw you naked - since the night your ripped off your shirt, shoved your boobs in my face and said "Touch them!". I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar..."

heart

stare
well, that puts my brain in an interesting place as I judge ya'lls poetry.

Do you both want crit?


Also: I like your grocery list, Zero, but I am left wondering - have you lost your mind?

I'd personally like one. =3

[Adimurti]

calviness

Adimurti

"It has been three years, one month and twelve days since the first time I saw you naked - since the night your ripped off your shirt, shoved your boobs in my face and said "Touch them!". I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar..."

heart

stare
well, that puts my brain in an interesting place as I judge ya'lls poetry.

Do you both want crit?


Also: I like your grocery list, Zero, but I am left wondering - have you lost your mind?

Well, I didn't want to bump with just anything.

And yes, crit plox (if you have time). =]

[calviness]

********. a. duck.
I am an idiot. I had the whole crit and judgement all written out. But, silly me, I didn't save it, and when the bloody computer logged me out for taking too long to make the post - it was gone.

so, when I am less angry, I will retype and post the results. sorry for the delay.

[Adimurti]

[********. a. duck.
I am an idiot. I had the whole crit and judgement all written out. But, silly me, I didn't save it, and when the bloody computer logged me out for taking too long to make the post - it was gone.

so, when I am less angry, I will retype and post the results. sorry for the delay.
Awh, that's alright. I think that's happened to a lot of us. ><

[Lovers Never Tell]

[********. a. duck.
I am an idiot. I had the whole crit and judgement all written out. But, silly me, I didn't save it, and when the bloody computer logged me out for taking too long to make the post - it was gone.

so, when I am less angry, I will retype and post the results. sorry for the delay.
Awh, that's alright. I think that's happened to a lot of us. ><

indeed. Now I must wait longer to know for sure that I failed. stressed

[calviness]

Let's try this again... (although the crit is definitely not going to be up to my usual par - sorry you two)
edit: oh, and there were a couple of commas/punctuation in both that I didn't catch this time around.

Quote:

Lo! Judgement!

Defender Name: Adimurti
Challenger Name: Lovers Never Tell
Judge: calviness
Duel Type: Regular Duel
Form: Free-Verse
Context: Religion
The Bet: 3,000 gold

Quote:

Trees reached out: A dash would seem more fitting with the reaching image than the blunt colon
their leaves like peeling skin on sunburnt fingertips
raised in a gasping prayer to God Because of the earlier image of fingers, my brain insists on reading this line as "grasping prayer." xd
as clouds strolled over the horizon "strolled over" seems a sharp juxtaposition against the earlier images. It also seems to include a contradictory inclusion of motion both with direction (over) and without (strolling), which takes a long time to settle into a distinct image.
like monks with their throats filled with thunder
that rumbles across holy halls. grammatically these two lines are sort of run-on - just too many prepositions together. This could be resolved by either shortening the lines, adding an "a" for emphasis before "thunder" or adding a comma after thunder and changing "that rumbles" to "rumbling". I would personally go with the second option, as I like the rhythm you have here, and it wouldn't disrupt that.
We meandered between the trunks,
willing the rain to fall like lashes - I assume you mean eye-lashes, but I have a really hard time picturing this image - which leaves this whole line vague. Which is sad, since I like the rhyme/rhythm that it makes with the next one.
to grant the wishes of countless branches
that had stayed strong through centuries of the same hymn. I have a hard time bringing this all together as well - partially from grammatical ambiguity - but it is unclear if it is the wishes or the branches that are "staying strong." This makes it hard to formulate a good understanding of the connotation you want to go with "hymn" - whether it is a prayer-like song, or more like a chant that the branches have to bear up under.

Heaven opened,
blessing the sky with a rainbow halo I feel like these two lines are weaker than those around it. You need something solid, a stronger image/verb/something to give it the umph the beginning of a stanza should have.
as I held you like a Martyr holding scriptures
that could crumble like autumnal leaves
under filthy fingers. The word "filthy" adds little to the image, other than giving me a strange image of a Martyr in my head - rhythmically it makes sense, but a different adjective might work better

The rustling harmonies of pit-pat apologies faded around us the sounds of rustling and pit-pat seem incongruous together, one or the other would give a stronger sense.
as they refused to part with the [d]earth, and because you haven't used this construction earlier in the poem, I would just go with one. Dearth would be my pick, as earth is already connotated in the phrasing
and our hands loosened from their praying pose and this image seems incongruous with the scene we have already been given - one of you clutching "them."
as we traced the evening shadows,
drowned in the hope of one more spring together. Grammatically, you need to add either a "we" to the beginning of this line, or make it "drowning"

And for the general critique: You start out on a very strong, specific image, but I feel like you lose that a little through the poem. Part of that might be due to the frequent use of generic connectors such as "like," "as" and "that." In moderation the words are good, but they crop up a little too often, and combined with slightly generic images, leave the reader a little confused about what feeling the poem is conveying. We get a feeling that great time is passing, with a summer like heat, followed by autumnal leaves, followed by a spring - but juxtaposed through a single rain-shower. Either this is brilliance, (in which case I would like to see some idea paralleling this in religion), or it could do with a simplification or time. This poem could definitely benefit from some specifics in the images - what Martyr, what kind of Monks, what sort of trees? This will help a lot to resolve another issue that I see. I feel like the poem was meant to weave religion and this rainfall together, so that both complemented and lent meaning to the other. Instead, we wind up with two separate stories, with the connecting words simply signifying switches between which story is being told.

Quote:

In the torrent of hands clutching clothes
she exhaled smoke through her nose.
The embers licking my thoughts
set me ablaze - the lighting bugs filtering other than fire, I am not sure of the connection between the lighting bugs and embers, and less so with smoke - the image here goes rapidly from one that is vivid and clear, to one that does not.
her gaze. Trailblazing back alleys
I palmed her two cents to torch I am not sure how one "torches" themselves someplace (unless you are lighting yourself on fire? the same with palming the 2 cents - in connection with later lines, and this phrasing, you seem to be using it to mean "palming off" or pawning, rather than "palming" something into your hand to hide it.
me to ways a little more common. There is an incongruity here between the earlier word "trailblazing" - which usually connotates a willingness to continue in the chosen direction, with you "torching" yourself somewhere else - so were you trailblazing happily, or not?
Though I left my heart in the hole
of the soul I pawned the hole where the soul was? Or does the soul itself have a hole. And that soul is the 2 cents, right?
for a ride in her hand basket, so here we get that incongruity again. You pawned her 2 cents (soul/advice) in order to ride her madness? But you left your heart in her pawned soul, right?
I soap boxed for lost books
in demand of censored answers. Again, the connection between these lines and the earlier parts of the poem, totally beyond me. Also, the verb "demand" is appropriate with soap-boxing (btw, I do love that used as a verb), asking for something like answers and books does not seem to be in character of a usual soap-box rant (in which case you would sadly need a different verb)
(As if fortunes were won
preaching purity Grammatical ambiguity here - is this preaching purity meant as a commentary on your actions on the soap box, or is it supposed to be the answers that you are searching for?
while slipping blistered hands why blistered?
in for cookies.) She read
constellations upside-down as I gleamed
out the iris of her mind, though I preferred these three lines just add more questions, without clarifying anything. Also, why are you picking out the iris of her mind? And should this mean something in the context of constellations, or is this just more reference to her insanity?
sitting on her tongue to pitch Eden
to slither between inhales. Again, grammatical ambiguity - do you prefer sitting on her tongue so that you can pitch Eden, rather than slithering between inhales, or do you prefer sitting on her tongue rather than pitching Eden to slither - either way, this sentence makes no sense at all.
Secluded behind her pearly whites
I'd willingly go blind to a graying word you need some punctuation here as if her thumbs pressing in
spelled out transcendent intimacy again here- punctuation
like some diamond in the roughness
of Jerusalem speaking Tongues great image until the speaking in Tongues (and you do need that "in" wink What does the addition of speaking in tongues add to that image of a diamond in the roughness of Jerusalem?
on the bed's edge
naked like the truth should be.

And your generalized crit: You have a lot of really great ideas and word play in here, but we have no connection between most of them. We begin with a great image of tearing at clothes - without any explanation (and I was so wanting to know what the torrent was all about - was this grief, like in Judaism, or lust, or something else entirely?) And from there the images spin completely out of control. Without any connecting ideas between the different images/ideas, it leaves the reader with no clear images or ideas at all. Instead, like flipping through a hundred channels, you take away only fragments. Along with that, there are a couple of line breaks that seem unnatural, and yet I could not for the life of me find the double meaning/context change that such line breaks should lend (seriously, if the line break doesn't reinforce rhythm, it had better have a damn good ideological effect) Some examples are the lines ending in "filtering," "hole," and "preferred." I was also a little vague on the religious context of the poem, as there are a couple of religious/spiritual references, but it does not appear to be central (any more than anything other than her madness (oh, is religion her madness? If so, making that clearer would bring this piece together much better) is central.) to the piece itself. (sorry, that last sentence is probably a b***h to read.)

JUDGEMENT!
Okay, I have to say, both pieces were exceptionally strong auditorily. They were pleasant to read both quietly and aloud. Adi's piece, though a little generic in imagery, did maintain a continuous idea throughout the entire piece that built on itself through the poem. LNT's imagery was sharper and it proffered more ideas, unfortunately they were a little muddled together. SO: This one goes to Adi, for clarity and for adressing the topic more directly.
Good job you two. smile

[Lovers Never Tell]

I have A LOT of editing to do.

[Zero is an Integer]

calviness

Also: I like your grocery list, Zero, but I am left wondering - have you lost your mind?

Not that I'm aware of.

Though if I have to keep watching these two ferrets all by my lonesome, I just might start. They are quite the handful.

[calviness]

Probably Zero

Not that I'm aware of.

Though if I have to keep watching these two ferrets all by my lonesome, I just might start. They are quite the handful.

ferrets?

[Lovers Never Tell]

Probably Zero

calviness

Also: I like your grocery list, Zero, but I am left wondering - have you lost your mind?

Not that I'm aware of.

Though if I have to keep watching these two ferrets all by my lonesome, I just might start. They are quite the handful.

What happened to you puppies? sad

[Zero is an Integer]

calviness

Probably Zero

Not that I'm aware of.

Though if I have to keep watching these two ferrets all by my lonesome, I just might start. They are quite the handful.

ferrets?

Ferrets:

The ferret is a domesticated mammal of the type Mustela putorius furo. Ferrets are sexually dimorphic predators with males being substantially larger than females. They typically have brown, black, white, or mixed fur, have an average length of 20 inches (51 cm) including a 5 inch (13 cm) tail, weigh about 1.5–4 pounds (0.7–2 kg), and have a natural lifespan of 7 to 10 years.

So...There's that....


As for the puppies:

I have an 8 month old Pit. He's something else....
As for the other 2...
Well...that's a bit of a story.

[calviness]

rolleyes Let's try this again.

Probably Zero

Well...that's a bit of a story.

So, what's the story.

[Zero is an Integer]

calviness

rolleyes Let's try this again.

Probably Zero

Well...that's a bit of a story.

So, what's the story.

I don't have them anymore.

The end.

rofl rofl rofl

[omgChe]

Apparently nobody cares, but I haven't felt inspired enough to write anything lately. So, no duel entry yet.

[calviness]

Probably Zero

I don't have them anymore.

The end.

rofl rofl rofl

Does your cruelty know no bounds?

Che - have I posted the Enguarde?