The Colosseum V [Duelling Grounds]

[Adimurti]

omgChe

Haha, it's all gravy. One day more of us will realize how petty some of the things we fight for are. Still, don't let the fight die.



Anywho,

I'll start writing for our duel after this round of Aehlae's contest.

Anyone would think you imagine us struggling to sleep at night, Che. ><

I think most of us realise we're hardly going to change the world by complaining on Gaia. It doesn't stop us having our little peeves though, no matter how petty they are.

When's the current round over? I'll try me best to get something ready for then. =]

[Zeo]

The duel:

Quote:

Defender Name: AlambiqueCiel
Challenger Name: TheFirstDodoBirdToDie
Judge: Zeo
Duel Type: Regular Duel
Form: Free Verse
Context: Sex
The Bet: 10,000 gold

The crits:

TheFirstDodoBirdToDie

A Stomach-Churning Shift In The Way The Land Lies I love this title.
I suspend The line break feels a little awkward here.
my body above you. Straining Same here.
muscles as my breath
flits apprehensively down your neck.
I watch it twirl through
gelid air onto your body with I'm not a big fan of ending a line on a preposition.
whispers that echo like moans
against your velvet skin.
I follow its trail
down mountains of lush flesh Bit of a tongue twister.
as my tongue climbs
to lofty peaks -
circling them in floods
of ecstasy.

My hands glide down your body -
following the air, and Weak line break.
riding your hips as if Here again.
they were the waves of rapture
crashing over your body,
until my outstretched fingers
reach and penetrate your petite frame,
gliding up and down the tides,
before pressing through your heavy pink swell.
The first break
in the surf. I like the metaphor here. The poem up to this point has been very blatant and literal, so this is a nice breath of fresh air.

My body flows
like a soft mist - poised
as it unfolds down your supple curves
until I kneel before your starved sun -
its heat radiating down
upon my lips as I lean in.
My tongue pulls it in - dousing
it with my cooling love as Weak line break.
whirlpools envelope all your light
and all your heat -
extinguished.

Once again I float above you -
carried on waves of incandescent heat
given off by your body's tentative glow.
You're ready to burst.
I slide into you with ease -
rivers of pleasure trickling
from every pore as your release nears
Rushing now
down your arms
and legs - their mighty waters
soothing you.

Susurrations shiver through the air - dancing
with two left feet as they drift
down my ear canal.
I return your gratitude
with shaky sighs of my own before
blanketing you in my cooling, calm dominance
and pulling the sheets to our shoulders.

The early morning is beginning to break through the window, and it douses (As this word has been used once before, it stands out to me here.) me in its glowing sunrise as You press your head into my chest and my hands hold you close by the small of your hips. Your voice slips through the silence narrowly undetected by my vigilant ears, and a smile sneaks its way across both our faces before our lips press softly against eachother. We sleep there. (This sentence...lacks poetic weight.) Lips mere millimeters away with daybreak's dew appearing on my brow. (Sentence fragment.) How I'll explain this to my girlfriend, I'll never know. (Haha. Although it breaks the poetic tone you had, it's a humorous ending.)

I'll start with the technical issues: things I highlighted in red are quick typos. The biggest thing I saw overall was poor choice of line breaks. You have some great, strong ones in there, but you have a few weak ones where the rhythm is broken awkwardly, the ending word is a preposition or conjunction, etc. Try to end on strong words. Think of each line break as being the end of a chapter: you want the reader to be compelled to read the next chapter. Ending on a dull note won't push the reader forward.

Now for content. The stuff colored in green was highlighted because these are words I see a lot, over and over, in sex poetry. Actually, there are a million more that get way overused like "body," "hips," "breath," "tongue," "lips," "curves" and so on, but I didn't highlight them because although they appear in just about every poem I've read about sex around here, the way they are used are more important than that they're used. The ones I highlighted were ones I felt were shortcuts: quick words one can enter to let the reader know we are talking about a general, universal experience. What does ecstasy even mean then? It's so subjective and so vague it means little in this context. Show us ecstasy. Describe the moans. Make us feel the pleasure. The poem did a good job overall of painting this picture and pulling the reader in, but those are some spots to consider developing.

My real issue with this piece is that it felt...generic. It didn't really go any further than exploring the physical sensations of sex, all in a highly idealized fashion. Not that all sex needs to be portrayed as gritty or awkward, but there's a point when the descriptions start feeling a little...unrealistic? This might be a matter of personal opinion, though. Some people really prefer that.

I mentioned earlier in the piece that I liked the metaphor and felt you should explore that more throughout. I might even suggest stepping away from plainly (albeit beautifully) describing the sex act and making it more metaphorical or figurative. Explore the sex act in a much deeper way. Sex is such a deep, endlessly fascinating topic. The problem is that most people are content to look at it in the same way, and that's what I felt this piece did. I didn't feel anything new or interesting being said about the experience.

AlambiqueCiel

Your skin is dry
so I weave my words into your freckles, This is an interesting image. smile
and dewdrops appear at the nape of your neck.


I feel your fingertips
slip beneath the lace hanging lightly
on my hips.
My skin flames
as your palms lay like leaves
on my lower back.
The wind rushes from my mouth,
flutters past your ear,
and fondles your tree bark hair.

You lace your tongue between my ample, apple lips--
sweet nectar cascades into the haven of your body,
and I'm ignited from the waist down.

We nest inside the bed,
plum sheets intertwine I love the fruit motif throughout.
with our legs.
Your ocean wave breath
splashes my chest,
and I hum in soprano.

A brillant light pierces through us. SP
It's a sun made from the oceans rolling along our skin Unless this is a continuation of the "ocean wave breath" idea, it feels a little redundant here.
and nectar sweetening in the air,
and we revolve around it. These two lines read together feel awkward, starting with the same word (a weak one, no less).

The imagery is very pleasant in this piece, and the whole thing just feels very sweet. The motif, the description of the act, the relationship. It's all very short and sweet.

I saw a bit of what I mentioned in Dodo's critique, mainly the use of standard, conventional sexualized body areas. Used like this, it starts to feel like shorthand for "everyone knows this is an erogenous zone so I don't have to explain it." I'd like to see other areas of the body or other senses take place in a description of sex more often. Too often it's the same body parts, the same sounds, the same sights and textures. That would be my only hangup about this piece--while the imagery is unique and beautiful, the underlying idea and much of the way it is conveyed is still fairly standard to most sex poetry. I'd like to see the idea be taken a step further and be a little less obvious, I guess is what I'm trying to say.


The judgment:

Both of you employed good use of language, imagery, and poetic description of sex. Both pieces were beautiful and inspiring. Both were a pleasure to read. I'm going to give this one to AlambiqueCiel for brevity, clarity, and for exploring some more unique imagery in the piece. It was lovely to judge for you both! smile

[Adimurti]

You have been warned...

[calviness]

Hey - adi or LNT, could you send me a link/quote your duel, I can't find it to post your Enguarde...

Also, because I am too lazy to post the Enguarde in here as well - Enguarde on Che's and Adi's duel. Just waiting for ya'lls entry.

[calviness]

Also

Probably Zero

Hold on, princess....it's nothing personal.
I do show up, from time to time.

Oh, come on, just a little banter back and forth?
I mean, it's not like I can be serious, as I am leaving in 3 weeks.

[Zero is an Integer]

calviness

Also

Probably Zero

Hold on, princess....it's nothing personal.
I do show up, from time to time.

Oh, come on, just a little banter back and forth?
I mean, it's not like I can be serious, as I am leaving in 3 weeks.

Well, s**t....That officially leaves me with not a soul to speak to.
All things end, I suppose.

[calviness]

Probably Zero

Well, s**t....That officially leaves me with not a soul to speak to.
All things end, I suppose.

oh, come on. Don't I even get an "all good things.."?

And I'll miss you too.

[Adimurti]

calviness

Enguarde!

Defender Name: Adimurti
Challenger Name: Lovers Never Tell
Judge: calviness
Duel Type: Regular Duel
Form: Free-Verse
Context: Religion
The Bet: 3,000 gold

Trees reached out:
their leaves like peeling skin on sunburnt fingertips
raised in a gasping prayer to God
as clouds strolled over the horizon
like monks with their throats filled with thunder
that rumbles across holy halls.
We meandered between the trunks,
willing the rain to fall like lashes -
to grant the wishes of countless branches
that had stayed strong through centuries of the same hymn.

Heaven opened,
blessing the sky with a rainbow halo
as I held you like a Martyr holding scriptures
that could crumble like autumnal leaves
under filthy fingers.

The rustling harmonies of pit-pat apologies faded around us
as they refused to part with the [d]earth,
and our hands loosened from their praying pose
as we traced the evening shadows,
drowned in the hope of one more spring together.

[Lovers Never Tell]

gonk Just give him my gold. I'm so not up to par lately.



In the torrent of hands clutching clothes
she exhaled smoke through her nose.
The embers licking my thoughts
set me ablaze - the lighting bugs filtering
her gaze. Trailblazing back alleys
I palmed her two cents to torch
me to ways a little more common.
Though I left my heart in the hole
of the soul I pawned
for a ride in her hand basket,
I soap boxed for lost books
in demand of censored answers.
(As if fortunes were won
preaching purity
while slipping blistered hands
in for cookies.) She read
constellations upside-down as I gleamed
out the iris of her mind, though I preferred
sitting on her tongue to pitch Eden
to slither between inhales.
Secluded behind her pearly whites
I'd willing go blind to a graying word
as if her thumbs pressing in
spelled out transcendent intimacy
like some diamond in the roughness
of Jerusalem speaking Tongues
on the bed's edge
naked like the truth should be.

[Mahayr]

Probably Zero

calviness

Also

Probably Zero

Hold on, princess....it's nothing personal.
I do show up, from time to time.

Oh, come on, just a little banter back and forth?
I mean, it's not like I can be serious, as I am leaving in 3 weeks.

Well, s**t....That officially leaves me with not a soul to speak to.
All things end, I suppose.

You can talk to this Ghost Woman from time to time... but will you!

[Adimurti]

Lovers Never Tell

gonk Just give him my gold. I'm so not up to par lately.

Oh, don't be so ridiculous. rolleyes

[Adimurti]

"It has been three years, one month and twelve days since the first time I saw you naked - since the night your ripped off your shirt, shoved your boobs in my face and said "Touch them!". I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar..."

heart

[Lovers Never Tell]

Adimurti

"It has been three years, one month and twelve days since the first time I saw you naked - since the night your ripped off your shirt, shoved your boobs in my face and said "Touch them!". I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar..."

heart

Gwah! whee

[Zero is an Integer]

calviness

Probably Zero

Well, s**t....That officially leaves me with not a soul to speak to.
All things end, I suppose.

oh, come on. Don't I even get an "all good things.."?

And I'll miss you too.

Yeah, yeah.

Ramen noodles.
Cupcakes.
Milk.
Eggs. (jumbo)
Canned fruit.
Fabric softener.
A Jumbone.
Cantalope.


s**t....
I completely forgot my purpose for this...
Clearly, I should be doing something else.

[calviness]

Adimurti

"It has been three years, one month and twelve days since the first time I saw you naked - since the night your ripped off your shirt, shoved your boobs in my face and said "Touch them!". I touched them like a diabetic third grader opening a Snickers bar..."

heart

stare
well, that puts my brain in an interesting place as I judge ya'lls poetry.

Do you both want crit?


Also: I like your grocery list, Zero, but I am left wondering - have you lost your mind?