The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[g l o r r]

||that's a good book, though...

if the case arises in which our dainty female protagonist/a IS INDEED a dainty female, she will never menstruate. because in the Real World of Literature, women don't ever have womanly needs. (i.e. their breasts never hurt after being punched by a dragon.) also, this dainty female protagonist/a will be either

a) a complete feminist (albeit dainty), and one who never ever ever ever relies on others' help, especially male, and can do everything and anything on her own

or

b) a complete p***y (albeit protagonist), and one who always clings to the male side-kick (who is dashingly handsome and carries a large stick and is bare-chested and has long flowy hair which always finds itself fluttering in the non-existent wind) for help during battles, during which she squeals and hardly fulfills the role of protagonist/a.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Men can get pregnant. You don't need to EXPLAIN it. It really happens. And there's nothing gross about childbirth form any gender. That stuff's all made up to scare you into not having sex.

[g l o r r]

The Phoenix Rises Again

Men can get pregnant. You don't need to EXPLAIN it. It really happens. And there's nothing gross about childbirth form any gender. That stuff's all made up to scare you into not having sex.

which, of course, everybody does. with passionately beating hearts. and fervently glazed eyes. and lusty lusty lust.

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

remember, no one has sex without being in love. and rape isn't considered sex. You can't get STD's or pregnant from rape.

And the only way to rape someone is violently.

[BimboZombie]

Your character simply must be a goth Vampire!

You also will need about 10 pages to discribe every detail of your characters clothing and multi coloured hair, or your story just won't work!

In fact, screw English, you don't need it. I highly suggest falling head first from a 20 storey building before writing your story. Tiping lyk dis makes teh best storieeee!

It just won't make a good sentace with out 20 or more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or ...............................................

[Rid V]

((Whew, can you believe it? 201 pages gone by. Can’t wait for page 408. Till then …))

All really good love interests (especially female) if they aren’t pure and innocent princesses, or hard-headed, battle-loving, tomboy princesses, start out as spies working for the enemy. The antagonist will send her to join the hero, infiltrate their organization, and seduce them. Then they will fall in love. The truth must come out in the end, of course. And it must always be revealed by the villain at the worst possible moment. Anything else is insufficiently dramatic. However, by this point, the bonds of love between hero and love interest will be so strong that he will probably forgive her instantly.

All characters have perfect timing. That is, they always come into a scene at the precise moment that best suits the story, no matter how providential and unlikely their arrival is. No character should be left waiting around for the next plot event with nothing to do, just for something as boring, unhelpful, and unbelievable as “realism”, not even for a minute.

In battle-based fiction, there must always be a naïve kid who believes only in the “glory of battle” until he (it’s always a “he”) gets a taste of the real thing. Nobody (certainly nobody under thirty) could possibly work out that battle is a bloody, messy, stomach-churning nightmare without experiencing it for themselves.

And, on the subject of clichéd phrases:
-Saying that something is either the “smartest thing ever, or the stupidest.” For best effect, add “Or both” at the end.
-To point out the danger in something, and delaying explaining what it is, have one character who knows about it already say “Don’t ask” or “You don’t want to know”.
-"This (insert appropriate place name here) isn't big enough for the two of us" between antagonists.
-"At least it's over", "Nothing's going to go wrong", "What could be worse?", "At least it can't get any worse", or a hundred other similar phrases. May only be used to precede a major disaster.

One more for the Solemn Truthes:
-Everbody knoes reel spellnig is fo OMG!! L00ZRZ!!!! LOLZ!!!

((Typing that one actually caused me physical pain.))

((Happy new year, everybody!))

[moonfox6]

female villians are always either completely divorced from any femininity of they are evil hookers in black leather. no nurturing mothers are allowed to destroy the world, unless they are aliens. xd

[The Phoenix Rises Again]

Villains are exempt from paying child support.

[upwoueruwrwhjl]

Ink Scarf

||that's a good book, though...

if the case arises in which our dainty female protagonist/a IS INDEED a dainty female, she will never menstruate. because in the Real World of Literature, women don't ever have womanly needs.

UNLESS the woman has run away and is hanging out in the company of men (read: pretending to be one) Then she will menstruate with huuge streams of blood, because of course that ALWAYS happens in real life, and even though she had been around women for most of her life, she will have no idea whats going on for at least an hour.

[SkeletonRobots]

Of Course, in any situation, no matter what, your character can become a sex-slave to the opposite sex! Or the same sex!

They shall never like it, and their 'master' will love them in a very perverted way! And it's okay to never get pregnant or STD or HIV. It doesn't happen! It's stupid government conspiracy.

Slaves are never used for hard labor or chores, and your character has to be the prettiest slave EVAH!!!!1! And they either live in a cage or a plush room with satin sheets, because their master loves them soooo much, and isn't just using them!

Also, it's okay for your character to be 21 and look like a 15 year old. Big ANIME eyes are always welcome, and they always have boobs the size of small moons on their dainty chests!

And give them a pet white Siberian tiger! :3

[Storeage]

((Is that a Ronin Warriors reference I see?))

Your character must be a bajililon and three years old, but look like they're in their teens. Or maybe early twenties, if you want them to be really old. It's impossible for ancient beings to look any older that that. Aging, what's that?

[SkeletonRobots]

((What's Ronin Warriors? sweatdrop

I'm actually contradicting a story I gots... XD Unless seriously curious about it, don't ask...))

Also, Don't forget that your character can be 22 and STILL be in High school! But she won't be mentally-disabled, of course, she'll be a straight-A student, don't explain why! She entered Kindergarten when she was 4! Give her a weapon, too. And She's good at using it, too. Otherwise, it'd be a bad idea to give a retarded person a weapon.
(I actually READ a character like that! And her hair changed color on her mood, too. (She had the white Siberian tiger, too! Hidden in her room for five years from her abusive parents!))

Excuse me while I laugh uncontrollably at the thought.

[Storeage]

((Hm. Might've been a fanfic, then? Or maybe just a conincidence. Ronin Warriors is an 80s anime. Worst dub job ever.))

Or, conversley, you have your little eight year old character in college, because she's ohmaigawd so smart! Actually, your character should be in her teens, so she can flirt with the college guys. Because you need romance. Everyone loves romance! And there's something wrong with people who don't!

[SkeletonRobots]

AND your main villain has to be perverted in the worst way, ya know? They have to sexually harass your character a LOT!

Your character must love anime as much, if not more, than you do. They're best friend is an Inuyasha plushie, or Elric from FMA. Screw that they live in the middle ages, they came from the future with an iPod in hand!

((That Sue was actually in Fanfic... A Lord of the Rings Fanfic. So Boromir was a rapist, Sauron was after her, she treated the hobbits like children, she was Elven royalty, and, of course, Legolas LOVED her... It the single worst Sue I had ever seen... Her name was Rose, AKA Kat. She sang Evanescence for angst. And I know I'm missing parts of her story...

Voltron comes in close, I think. But Transformers rocked. ))

[[Ren The Ryoko]]

All dramatic fight scenes should take place in the rain. Rain always makes things more emotionally charged. But no mud. Never have them get muddy. Mud stains are a b***h to get out of the Silk fighting uniform.

All twins have the amazing ability to be exactly in tune with each other. They can even read each others minds, because twins are magical magical beings. Also, always hint at twincest. Always, no matter how evil one of them is, and one should always be evil.

No matter how incredibly heavy a weapon is, the main characters should never have any problem wielding them. Large swords, and very tightly strung bows should be able to be easily wielded by young adults with no prior battle training, because they are magical that way.

((This is WAY to much fun))