The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[upwoueruwrwhjl]

No,no! the BEST way to get an editor to notice you is to publish your novel on bright pink paper with text 2 shades darker! Or better yet, white paper with pale yellow text! If the editor cant read it, they'll assume its awesome and publish it!

[DarknessofHeavenandDreams]

Sergeant Sargent

You should only send in hand written manuscripts. The writing should be in fancy cursive with long loops and written on paper with an aged look to it, use a quill and a bottle of ink, even if you don't know how, because if your work looks traditional they'll know you're seriously dedicated to writing.

If you're going for this approach, staples are a big no-no. Tie your manuscript together with string woven from goat's hair.

PLEASE, PLEASE REMEMBER TO INCLUDE A DIGITAL PHOTO OF YOURSELF IN KINKY UNDERWEAR AND COVERED IN WHIPPED CREAM INSIDE THE MANUSCRIPT! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

And your S.O. and your dog. These days publishers want to choose.

[Lady Snoogin]

Purple eyes are comonplace. Nine out of ten people are born with purple, violet, lavendar, or similar shade of eyes, so make sure your MC has purple eyes.

[Spatterdash]

Lady Snoogin

Purple eyes are comonplace. Nine out of ten people are born with purple, violet, lavendar, or similar shade of eyes, so make sure your MC has purple eyes.

And be sure to describe those eyes at every possible opportunity. Eyes are the most important, distinctive and emotive parts of the body, so mention them whenever you can. Oh, but don't call them 'eyes'. That's BORING. Call them 'limpid pools', or 'gleaming gems', or, best of all 'orbs'. Everyone loves orbs.

[Minion Ripley]

Spatterdash

Lady Snoogin

Purple eyes are comonplace. Nine out of ten people are born with purple, violet, lavendar, or similar shade of eyes, so make sure your MC has purple eyes.

And be sure to describe those eyes at every possible opportunity. Eyes are the most important, distinctive and emotive parts of the body, so mention them whenever you can. Oh, but don't call them 'eyes'. That's BORING. Call them 'limpid pools', or 'gleaming gems', or, best of all 'orbs'. Everyone loves orbs.

In fact, never refer to anything by its actual name. For example, it's not a "leg", it's an "elegant, slim limb covered with the smoothest of skin, capable of the most graceful of dances".

[Fidei Defensor]

You see that noun? That little word that everybody says looks rather nice in its place in the story? They're wrong -- it's lonely indeed. Count the words, then multiply that number by ten. Not only have you made them seem like much more of a deal than they actually are, but you let your reader know every time that they didn't just stub their toe, they thought rashly without checking the ground for clearance and their foot collided with the surface at such a speed and trajectory as to warrant a sudden impact and a subsequent jolt of pain through their leg and into their brain, to which they then react with a shriek and, later, a collapse onto the cold, wet earth, clutching their foot in pain.

See? Doesn't that look more filling? Try it -- I promise you won't receive a death threat or two from your angered delighted readers.

[Ezza Girl]

When writing fanfiction, this is the most perfect form you can get it in.

Ultimate Fanfiction

Sary

It was a dark night Legolas was walking in the forrest that was next to a tree

Legolas heard sound

from the bushes and go see what it was there was a girl child elf

who had lovely blond hair that was long her face was slender round and she was eight years old Legolas fell in love with her

immediadly when he met her and took her to live with him after five years Sary was round faced slender eyed 13 year old whose blond hair touched the ground Legolas decided to tell Sary she was chosen to destroy the dark lord sauron becouse she was the child of gods

Legolas had gone to the library four years ago and read it from a book and immeadly realized that the child was Sary the book had a prophecy it went like this In the coming dark years a Child will be found from the forrest who will destroy the dark lord sauron with her godly innnocence that she got as a present from the gods who her parents will be the Child will be blond haired and slender round faced and will be found in the forrest when she’s eight

Legolas told Sary Sary said it can’t be true i am your relative you told me so pretty one

Legolas said sorry but I lied my love you are the descendant of gods you have to go to Frodo

and take the ring from him Sary said well I’ll go are you coming Legolas said I’m afraid I can’t becouse I’m dying and then Legolas died

Sary yelled NOOOOOOOOOO!! My love you will have the last kiss Sary kissed Legolas and then she went to find Frodo

only Legolas’s bow with her that she got from Legolas

when she arrived to Frodo’s cabin

Frodo pulled her in and raped her

and hit her with a sword but then the door opened and Aragon

stepped in and killed Frodo

and took Sary and headded for home

(Chapter two, supposably)

Aragon took Sary. To his home Aragon put her in.

His bed and said. Frodo had been posessed by Sauron that’s why.

He must have gone crazy. But why. Legolas didn’t tell me. About the new taker of the ring. Who will also. Destroy Sauron Sary woke up.

Happily and said. Hello Aragon I have a gift for you. Here it is a new sword. That gods have blessed.

You can even kill. Sauron with it. It is so powerful.

Now we’re going to Rivandall. To see elf Eldorna

he can bring Legolas. Back to life.

So they left towards Rivandall on their way. To Rivandall Aragon said. Why did Legolas die Sary said.

He died of shock. When he found out what. I am Aragon said. Well what. Are you Sary said. I am GOD!!!!

Why don’t you believe. Me do you believe me. Or shall I damonstrate.

My power Aragon said. That’s not necessary. Becouse I think I have fallen in love. With you I have fallen in love with you too Aragon. Said Sary.

They had sex for the rest of the night.

The next morning. They arrived to Rivandall Eldorna

was waiting there. For them. Sary took Legolas’s body. From her back.

And Eldornna said. Legolas is dead.

But I will bring him. Back to life. Eldorna said MUISTMOMM

and Legolas was alive again.

And said. Hello Sary. And kissed her Aragon said. Tsk tsk Legolas.

Sary loves me. Legolas said. We have to have a DUEL!!!!!!!

They started fighting. There.

But Suddenly they both flew.

Along the ground with force.

Then Sary came and said. I love. You both that’s why I stopped your fight.

They all had passionaty sex all night...

(Chapter three.)

The nest morning when they had stopped having sex. A monkey appeared

on the window! “Legolas said” YIKES A MONKEY IS BEHIND OUR WINDOW

SARY KILL IT!! “Sary said”

IT IS A GIFT FROM GODS TO US IT IS A MIRACLE MONKEY IT CAN HELP US!!

Legolas opened the window and let the monkey in! The monkey attacked Aragon and digged his brains out!

“Legolas said” WONDEFUL COME HERE MONKEY!! Monkey went to Legolas and Legolas humped the monkey!

Sary got mad and “said” I’M GOING ALONE YOU p***k!! Sary went to Sauron’s castle and arrived to it’s gate! Sauron opened the gate and threw Sary in jail.

After a month Legolas wondered where Sary was.

His wife Mr Monkey

“said” SHE WENT TO SAURON’S CASTLE!! Legolas went near Sauron’s castle but orcs appeared there! Legolas killed them

and went on towards the prison and saw Sary there and let her out but at the same moment Sauron

came there and started beating up Legolas suddenly “Sary yelled” I WILL STOP YOU EVIL SAURON I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU!!!

“Sauron said” JUST TRY YOU LITTLE SLUT!!

At the same moment Sary used her power

and hit Sauron on the head with it but Sauron just laughed and “said” HAHAHAHAHAHAAA YOU CANNOT KILL ME!!

Sauron started beating Sary but suddenly Sary heard a voice inside her head

that “said” MY DAUGHTER USE YOU GODLY INNOCENCE

BY CONCENTRATING HARD!! Sary concentrated and destroyed Sauron’s head

and the went back home with Legolas. Mr Monkey and Legolas adopted Sary and they all lived happily ever after

((Not sure if this is a troll attempt or not, but OH DEAR GOD! Notice that the author's grammar changes between chapters - chapter two has multitudes of full stops while chapter one has none. And chapter three actually uses inverted comma's, though it's actually easier to read the first two chapters without them.

This is not the form I found this fic in - it actually had other people's comments throughout the piece, which is the cause for random spaces (though it wouldn't surprise me if it was similiar to that originally). The way I found it is quite funny, and I can PM the original with comments to anyone who requests it.))

[Astarael--Banisher]

When your main character is a skilled thief/assassin/plumber/whatever that has retired and is so good at their job that they are coerced into working for their government, they will be repeatedly shot with tranquilizers as they are moved from place to place. They will suffer none of the usual side-effects usually present from constant exposure to powerful tranquilizers and will be able to perform their thieving/assassinating/plumbing/whatever without any problems.

[Lady Snoogin]

Ezza Girl

((Not sure if this is a troll attempt or not, but OH DEAR GOD! Notice that the author's grammar changes between chapters - chapter two has multitudes of full stops while chapter one has none. And chapter three actually uses inverted comma's, though it's actually easier to read the first two chapters without them.

This is not the form I found this fic in - it actually had other people's comments throughout the piece, which is the cause for random spaces (though it wouldn't surprise me if it was similiar to that originally). The way I found it is quite funny, and I can PM the original with comments to anyone who requests it.))

((OMG That was hilarious! But I think my appendix exploded with the line "They all had passionatey sex all night . . ." wink )

[~snow_white_blood_red~]

Sesshoru

Your character must never be over the age of 17! In fact, make them as young as possible, thereby magnifying their awesome abilities!

oooops. Lol, i write characters my age or younger (maybe a year or two older).

[I am The Compendium]

Ezza Girl

When writing fanfiction, this is the most perfect form you can get it in.

Ultimate Fanfiction

Sary

It was a dark night Legolas was walking in the forrest that was next to a tree

Legolas heard sound

from the bushes and go see what it was there was a girl child elf

who had lovely blond hair that was long her face was slender round and she was eight years old Legolas fell in love with her

immediadly when he met her and took her to live with him after five years Sary was round faced slender eyed 13 year old whose blond hair touched the ground Legolas decided to tell Sary she was chosen to destroy the dark lord sauron becouse she was the child of gods

Legolas had gone to the library four years ago and read it from a book and immeadly realized that the child was Sary the book had a prophecy it went like this In the coming dark years a Child will be found from the forrest who will destroy the dark lord sauron with her godly innnocence that she got as a present from the gods who her parents will be the Child will be blond haired and slender round faced and will be found in the forrest when she’s eight

Legolas told Sary Sary said it can’t be true i am your relative you told me so pretty one

Legolas said sorry but I lied my love you are the descendant of gods you have to go to Frodo

and take the ring from him Sary said well I’ll go are you coming Legolas said I’m afraid I can’t becouse I’m dying and then Legolas died

Sary yelled NOOOOOOOOOO!! My love you will have the last kiss Sary kissed Legolas and then she went to find Frodo

only Legolas’s bow with her that she got from Legolas

when she arrived to Frodo’s cabin

Frodo pulled her in and raped her

and hit her with a sword but then the door opened and Aragon

stepped in and killed Frodo

and took Sary and headded for home

(Chapter two, supposably)

Aragon took Sary. To his home Aragon put her in.

His bed and said. Frodo had been posessed by Sauron that’s why.

He must have gone crazy. But why. Legolas didn’t tell me. About the new taker of the ring. Who will also. Destroy Sauron Sary woke up.

Happily and said. Hello Aragon I have a gift for you. Here it is a new sword. That gods have blessed.

You can even kill. Sauron with it. It is so powerful.

Now we’re going to Rivandall. To see elf Eldorna

he can bring Legolas. Back to life.

So they left towards Rivandall on their way. To Rivandall Aragon said. Why did Legolas die Sary said.

He died of shock. When he found out what. I am Aragon said. Well what. Are you Sary said. I am GOD!!!!

Why don’t you believe. Me do you believe me. Or shall I damonstrate.

My power Aragon said. That’s not necessary. Becouse I think I have fallen in love. With you I have fallen in love with you too Aragon. Said Sary.

They had sex for the rest of the night.

The next morning. They arrived to Rivandall Eldorna

was waiting there. For them. Sary took Legolas’s body. From her back.

And Eldornna said. Legolas is dead.

But I will bring him. Back to life. Eldorna said MUISTMOMM

and Legolas was alive again.

And said. Hello Sary. And kissed her Aragon said. Tsk tsk Legolas.

Sary loves me. Legolas said. We have to have a DUEL!!!!!!!

They started fighting. There.

But Suddenly they both flew.

Along the ground with force.

Then Sary came and said. I love. You both that’s why I stopped your fight.

They all had passionaty sex all night...

(Chapter three.)

The nest morning when they had stopped having sex. A monkey appeared

on the window! “Legolas said” YIKES A MONKEY IS BEHIND OUR WINDOW

SARY KILL IT!! “Sary said”

IT IS A GIFT FROM GODS TO US IT IS A MIRACLE MONKEY IT CAN HELP US!!

Legolas opened the window and let the monkey in! The monkey attacked Aragon and digged his brains out!

“Legolas said” WONDEFUL COME HERE MONKEY!! Monkey went to Legolas and Legolas humped the monkey!

Sary got mad and “said” I’M GOING ALONE YOU p***k!! Sary went to Sauron’s castle and arrived to it’s gate! Sauron opened the gate and threw Sary in jail.

After a month Legolas wondered where Sary was.

His wife Mr Monkey

“said” SHE WENT TO SAURON’S CASTLE!! Legolas went near Sauron’s castle but orcs appeared there! Legolas killed them

and went on towards the prison and saw Sary there and let her out but at the same moment Sauron

came there and started beating up Legolas suddenly “Sary yelled” I WILL STOP YOU EVIL SAURON I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU!!!

“Sauron said” JUST TRY YOU LITTLE SLUT!!

At the same moment Sary used her power

and hit Sauron on the head with it but Sauron just laughed and “said” HAHAHAHAHAHAAA YOU CANNOT KILL ME!!

Sauron started beating Sary but suddenly Sary heard a voice inside her head

that “said” MY DAUGHTER USE YOU GODLY INNOCENCE

BY CONCENTRATING HARD!! Sary concentrated and destroyed Sauron’s head

and the went back home with Legolas. Mr Monkey and Legolas adopted Sary and they all lived happily ever after

((requests))

Whenever you're stuck, describe something random or just have characters talk a lot. Make sure they reiterate how bad something is. Never talk about how good something is unless it's someon'es magic powers or love.

[Aubrey Nicole]

Ezza Girl

((Not sure if this is a troll attempt or not, but OH DEAR GOD! Notice that the author's grammar changes between chapters - chapter two has multitudes of full stops while chapter one has none. And chapter three actually uses inverted comma's, though it's actually easier to read the first two chapters without them.

This is not the form I found this fic in - it actually had other people's comments throughout the piece, which is the cause for random spaces (though it wouldn't surprise me if it was similiar to that originally). The way I found it is quite funny, and I can PM the original with comments to anyone who requests it.))

(((I would like to read it with the comments... please. )))


Regarding manuscripts - You ALWAYS want to make sure that you use the coolest font you can find. Times New Roman is for losers. YOU can use something much cooler. If the editor can't read it, that's their problem.

[Fidei Defensor]

dorkifiedchick

Ezza Girl

((Not sure if this is a troll attempt or not, but OH DEAR GOD! Notice that the author's grammar changes between chapters - chapter two has multitudes of full stops while chapter one has none. And chapter three actually uses inverted comma's, though it's actually easier to read the first two chapters without them.

This is not the form I found this fic in - it actually had other people's comments throughout the piece, which is the cause for random spaces (though it wouldn't surprise me if it was similiar to that originally). The way I found it is quite funny, and I can PM the original with comments to anyone who requests it.))

(((I would like to read it with the comments... please. )))


Regarding manuscripts - You ALWAYS want to make sure that you use the coolest font you can find. Times New Roman is for losers. YOU can use something much cooler. If the editor can't read it, that's their problem.

((Personally I'm rather partial to 10-point Courier New, but that's just me. *shrugs*))

Don't forget to turn on the line numbers -- that way we get to see just how many breaks you have in your manuscript that make it so much longer. In fact, make it display the line number with every successive line drop, because it makes it seem so much like poetry. I mean who cares if the publisher decides to change to a different paper size so your lines get messed up? You're the boss here.

And the real clincher? After making sure you emphasize the fact that your text covers over a thousand lines...forget the page numbers.

[upwoueruwrwhjl]

((I wanna read it!!))