The Anti-Guide

How do you try to improve your writing?

I try to avoid old, stupid things.	17.5%	[ 2370 ]
I add new things.	14.7%	[ 1993 ]
A combination of both (if one more than the other, pick it).	67.8%	[ 9169 ]
Total Votes:			[ 13532 ]

[ImplosionTheory]

The main character is so perfect, they don't even have to pee. Ever. eek

[Slorfae Lafyre]

Gut feelings are always right. People never get a vague and eerie feeling that something is amiss without something actually being amiss. No false alarms, those are no fun.

It's always good if no one believes the person with that gut feeling, but then said person ends up being right about it and everyone readily admits it.

Also, it doesn't matter if someone is right fifty times in a row, people still won't believe him when he makes a conjecture.

[La Belle Peche]

Every hero has got to have an animal sidekick; however there are a few rules:

1. Said animal sidekick must be cute and fuzzy. They can never be ugly. Ever. The only exemption to this rule is if it's a uber-cool animal like a wolf.

2. Said animal sidekick must have a sweet disposition. We do not want the animal sidekick to bite any good guys.

3. The only time the animal sidekick is allowed to bite/claw/hiss/sting/attack is if the villian is within the area. Other than that, it must always be sweet and adorable.

4. Names: No common names like Spot, Max, or Lady. They have to be interesting names like Anubis, Symphony, or Tsdjfdjwsi.

[Slorfae Lafyre]

Make sure you DO include in your writing all the bodily functions that have been talked about here. Because your reader totally wants to read about it.

((Seriously. If it's not important to the story, please don't tell me every time someone farts or pees or has a period or anything like that. I mean, come on. I don't want to know about it. xp ))

[Budgie_820]

Slorfe

Make sure you DO include in your writing all the bodily functions that have been talked about here. Because your reader totally wants to read about it.

((Seriously. If it's not important to the story, please don't tell me every time someone farts or pees or has a period or anything like that. I mean, come on. I don't want to know about it. xp ))

((Darn it. I'm included in that list, oh well)).

Yeah, in fact you should write down everytime your character takes a breath or blinks.

Johnny(breath) walks(blink, breath) to(blink) the (breath, breath again) store.

[the hidden ghost]

Chicken_Waltz_820

Slorfe

Make sure you DO include in your writing all the bodily functions that have been talked about here. Because your reader totally wants to read about it.

((Seriously. If it's not important to the story, please don't tell me every time someone farts or pees or has a period or anything like that. I mean, come on. I don't want to know about it. xp ))

((Darn it. I'm included in that list, oh well)).

Yeah, in fact you should write down everytime your character takes a breath or blinks.

Johnny(breath) walks(blink, breath) to(blink) the (breath, breath again) store.

((Oh god, could you imagine a whole story like that?))

While including all the breathing and blinking, don't mention any other actions.

Your character can be absolutely naked one moment, and within seconds be covered in armour (which would normally take hours to put on) with a huge friggen sword in their hands. Your reader will understand how they got from one point to another without you telling them.

[Gaerc Eornum]

Insects never bite the hero(ine), and if they do, it never itches or bleeds.

[Slorfae Lafyre]

Gaerc Eornum

Insects never bite the hero(ine), and if they do, it never itches or bleeds.

Unless they're going to turn you into a superhero or mutant of some kind. They can do that, the pesky critters.

[xevilgummywormzx]

Write a fantasy novel. Fantasy is the greatest genre EVER. Nevermind those half-assed idiots who keeps trying to tell you the genre fantasy died upon its creation with the Lord of the Rings trilogy. They are WRONG! DRAGONS AND SWORDS RULE!!!!!!!!!!

[blackribbons]

Always include your main character’s birthday. Something significant MUST happen too. It can’t be a normal birthday. The story must either start on the characters birthday or something tragic must happen.

Everyone celebrates Christmas unless they’re an awesome vampire/demon character. Or an atheist. Speaking of atheists, the only real reason ANYONE is an atheist is because “God didn’t listen to them.”

Halloween is evil. All horror stories must take place on Halloween (or Friday the 13th). All stories including vampires must involve Halloween. It is not just a time for children to dress up and get candy. Halloween is evil. End of story.

Hanukkah will be celebrated by the token Jewish character. None of their Christian friends will know what it is. That is because all Christians all close-minded. Remember that Hanukkah is the most important Jewish holiday. In fact, it is the ONLY Jewish holiday. Don’t let anyone fool you and tell you otherwise.

If a main character’s significant other leaves them it must be on Valentine’s Day. If one character confesses love for another character it should be on Valentine’s Day. Anything involving romance AT ALL should happen on Valentine’s Day. On the subject, anybody who dares to break up with your hero/heroine is evil. They didn’t break up with your character because it wasn’t working out. It was because they were evil. Oh, and the Japanese celebrate this holiday the EXACT same way Americans do.

[Budgie_820]

blackribbons

Always include your main character’s birthday. Something significant MUST happen too. It can’t be a normal birthday. The story must either start on the characters birthday or something tragic must happen.

Everyone celebrates Christmas unless they’re an awesome vampire/demon character. Or an atheist. Speaking of atheists, the only real reason ANYONE is an atheist is because “God didn’t listen to them.”

Halloween is evil. All horror stories must take place on Halloween (or Friday the 13th). All stories including vampires must involve Halloween. It is not just a time for children to dress up and get candy. Halloween is evil. End of story.

Hanukkah will be celebrated by the token Jewish character. None of their Christian friends will know what it is. That is because all Christians all close-minded. Remember that Hanukkah is the most important Jewish holiday. In fact, it is the ONLY Jewish holiday. Don’t let anyone fool you and tell you otherwise.

If a main character’s significant other leaves them it must be on Valentine’s Day. If one character confesses love for another character it should be on Valentine’s Day. Anything involving romance AT ALL should happen on Valentine’s Day. On the subject, anybody who dares to break up with your hero/heroine is evil. They didn’t break up with your character because it wasn’t working out. It was because they were evil. Oh, and the Japanese celebrate this holiday the EXACT same way Americans do.

Concerning the atheist, they always find God's love at the end of the story and become a dedicated Christian and join a Christian Rock band called the Goody Goody God Bunch(okay that's a bit extreme).
Religions not mentioned:
Muslim(unless they're terroists)
Buddhist
Hindu

[the hidden ghost]

Slorfe

Gaerc Eornum

Insects never bite the hero(ine), and if they do, it never itches or bleeds.

Unless they're going to turn you into a superhero or mutant of some kind. They can do that, the pesky critters.

They can bite the female love interest/female sidekick, because we like hearing her whine.

[Alea Facta Est]

When you're writing in a genre like drama, comedy, romance, etc., stick to it! Everyone knows that you can't shock your readers with, say, an infusion of humor in a serious story--or, even worse, a serious element in something that's supposed to be funny! It's like killing kittens. You just don't do it.

[Budgie_820]

the hidden ghost

Slorfe

Gaerc Eornum

Insects never bite the hero(ine), and if they do, it never itches or bleeds.

Unless they're going to turn you into a superhero or mutant of some kind. They can do that, the pesky critters.

They can bite the female love interest/female sidekick, because we like hearing her whine.

Or she can be allergic to the insect and have to be healed by healing sex by her male love interest((healing sex and farts. I'm a model of maturity aren't I? xd )

[Rid V]

Chicken_Waltz_820

the hidden ghost

Slorfe

Gaerc Eornum

Insects never bite the hero(ine), and if they do, it never itches or bleeds.

Unless they're going to turn you into a superhero or mutant of some kind. They can do that, the pesky critters.

They can bite the female love interest/female sidekick, because we like hearing her whine.

Or she can be allergic to the insect and have to be healed by healing sex by her male love interest((healing sex and farts. I'm a model of maturity aren't I? xd )

((Aren't we all?))

((That one about holidays and religions reminds me I should probably work a little harder on religious concerns in my stories. Being an atheist, I have trouble with that, but I try to be as open-minded and divers as I can about my characters, and that includes religious affiliation.))

There are only two kinds of ship/plane/car your main character(s) can have: (1): Less than a month old, high-tech as all get out, with stealth-systems, smart-missiles, and turbojet engines, or (2): broken down deathtraps that were obsolete fifty years ago, that periodically shed parts (which has little effect on performance) and has about one chance in three of staying together for the first hour the hero(s) use it, (and yet never actually fall apart, at least until its part of the mission is over.